3.3.08

A Long Time Coming...

I've decided that this will be my final blog...or at least in the current fashion.

I'll still write something here and there, but it seems like a good time hang it up. I'll still write something occasionally, so if you want a head's up when I do decide to tell the world that I hate something, you can subscribe via myspace (www.myspace.com/imcfly) or just email me today and I'll add you to a distribution list (mcflyblogs@gmail.com).

But I figured I'd go out with some things that are overdue...

(And I'm a little bit wordy in this final installment, so I'll give you a quick table of contents in case you want to go piece by piece: I. A couple of links, II. McFly's Wedding Handbook, III. My attempt to be NotreDameus and IV. Thank Yous and dedications...)

You Get Paid for This??

I had the good fortune of running into my friend and former-classmate, Ben Shelton, on Friday night...and of course got to hear the tale of he and Erik Ankrim's latest flashes with greatness.

(Oh--and the last time I mentioned them, I said that they were R-list celebrities. That really wasn't fair---to the other R-listers I mean...)

Essentially---the Miami Heat (that's a basketball team, Anne) hired them to run around New Orleans over All-Star Weekend and act like complete asses so the few fans remaining at Heat games are entertained at timeouts. (Linked are clips one and two.)

(Oh--my personal favorite part was where they harassed Ernie Johnson. Just completely obnoxious and uncalled for.)

And Another Link...

My favorite commercial of 2006.

McFly's Guide to Wedding Planning

So it would seem...according my other writing...that "guys that really like weddings" would probably be right near the top of my list of "Guys to throw through a pane-glass-window" list.

But by way of being the 20th-closest friend of apparently every person I've ever come into contact with, I've spent more time at weddings over the past five years than Lindsay Lohan has over mirrors. I'm certain that I've forgotten one or two (no offense) but I estimate that number at about 32 since I graduated college. I've got a light load this year---only four that I know of...which is two less than I've had in five years.

With this frequent attendance at my buddy's funerals...er--weddings, I've written quite a bit about the subject as well. (Did you see what I did there by the way---I implied that my friends were dead after marriage---you know--because marriage is awful? Haha--PRICELESS!) So today I've compiled several of those writings in an attempt to offend the marrying parties of all four weddings I'm attending this summer. (Dates are noted for reprints...but here goes nothing...)

The Invite List

The most common complaint that I hear from couples that are about to be married is deciding who to put on that all-important list for their wedding.

-Family: Unfortunately for many, people's families generally expect to be invited. But here's the breakdown:
----Immediate family: Unless they're in prison (you'd be surprised!) you've got to invite them. Sorry.
----Non-immediate: There's really no rule here. Aunts are generally the only people that get offended, but if you have family that you just don't care for, and they don't care for you, is there really a reason to invite them? Unless of course you have an uncle who starts sweating profusely the moment he gets on the dance floor, but refuses to take his jacket off (see below)---you are required to invite him. If only for my entertainment.

-Friends: This is really the hard one. Let's say you're inviting 150 people. Between family, parents friends and neighbors, plus the "plus ones" of your wedding party---you're probably sitting in the 130-range. Which means ten friends per. And you know that the bride gets 18 of those...so:
----Guys: Your two friends who aren't going to offend anyone's parents.
----Girls: You have 18 invites, and beyond your wedding party, you have 10 friends you have to invite. 8 of them are married...which means that you have two pathetic, loathsome friends that you want to invite...and you do so saying, "Steve has a couple single friends that are coming" implying that those guys might be interested in them. They won't be. Nobody would be. Even though single girls at a wedding are like shooting baby seals in a barrel, no guy wants to be around a girl who can't even find a date for an event with an open-bar.

A Few Quick Suggestions

Some items have simple answers:

Booze: Beer and wine...liquor is going to cause problems. If you want problems, so be it...but the guy that complains that there is no liquor was probably on your "I guess I have to invite ___" list.

Dates: IF YOUR INVITATION (OH--YOU NEED AN INVITATION OR YOU'RE NOT INVITED) DOESN'T READ "Plus One" "and Guest" (or in Curtis' case "And torso") YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BRING A DATE.

Flowers: Okay---my gay-tendencies have limits. I'm not writing on flowers.

Dress: Rent it.

Vows: GIRL GOES FIRST! If I have to sit through one more wedding where the guy reads a personal letter before the girl and she is a weeping, sobbing, snot-ridden mess and takes 45 minutes to say "you complete me" I'm walking out. THAT IS A PROMISE!

Tuxes: Wear them. Anyone who gets married in an open white shirt better hang on to it, because they will be able to wear it for their second wedding as well. (Oh---I'm going to my first black-tie wedding this year. Can't say that I'm excited to buy a tux...but on the other hand, I'm very excited to OWN a tux.)

Music: Bands are charming---so long as you spend the money for a good one. Nothing worse than one of those terrible bands where every song from "Unchained Melody" to "Rock Your Body" comes out sounding like an AC/DC cover. (More on this to follow.)

Food: Buffets are fine...but if you're using a pre-set menu, please realize that just because you have a chance to be a food-snob and serve everyone fennel salad and faux gras, doesn't mean that you should.


Some Rules to Live By...

Life as an Attendant

Being invited to be in a wedding is a special thing. It's a VERY expensive thing, but it is a special thing. You get a chance to be an integral part of what---at the time---is the most significant day of a friend's life.

Don't screw it up.

Top Ten Things About Being in a Wedding Party (September 18, 2006)

10. Bootineer: I'm sure that is spelled incorrectly...but regardless, they're a great conversation piece. Girls keep coming up and touching your chest...now if you could reverse that situation, it would obviously be preferable--but I'll take it.

9. Fancy transportation: Limo or something...this one (I'm referring to my brother's wedding throughout this list) we had a trolley that drove us through the vineyards to the winery. And when I say that he drove through the vineyards, I mean he LITERALLY drove through the vineyards--knocking out a 4" PVC pipe and half a vine. Well done.

8. Scope the audience during the ceremony: You're facing everyone--a decided advantage when getting into a "I bet this is the first dude to puke" bet. But significantly harder when attempting to repeat the next-to-impossible feats of John Beckwith and Jeremy Gray.

7. First to be served: You've already eaten your dinner while most people are getting their salad. And why? Because you're more important.

6. Manicures/Pedicures: What? That isn't normal?

5. Rehearsal Dinner: Only thing that rivals a wedding on the fun-scale is a rehearsal dinner. I turned this week's into a roast--of EVERYONE--namely me in the end.

4. A "Get out of being 'That Guy' card": You can pretty much do anything short of public vomiting and get away with it. "WHO IS THAT GUY?" "That's McFly--he's the best man." "Oh...he's a real fun-loving guy, isn't he? Look how the vomit is coming out of his nose!"

3. "Bottle Service": "I'd like a bottle of sparkling wine please." "We can only give you a glass." "I'm in the wedding party." "Here you go."

2. Unsuspecting girls think you're classy: Odd...girls translate groomsmen as a safe, classy group that were selected based upon their loyalty and friendship to a groom they adore. In truth, you were selected because you and the groom have too much sh*t on each other for you to be too far away from him.

1. Other people using your camera: Wait...no. Everyone makes this mistake--"Could you snap some pictures while we're up there?" And they end up taking a bunch of shots of stupid stuff--like the parents and the first kiss and the ring-bearer..."Could we get a few shots of ME one time?!?!?!?"

HERE HERE!

Often tied to being in the wedding party is giving a toast. For some reason, they've been overshadowed over the course of time---but a bad one is remembered forever (see: #1.)

Top Ten Things not to do in a Wedding Toast (September 11, 2006)


10. Curse: Apparently George Costanza did in a toast, which almost makes it okay, but as a general rule--try to avoid the f-bomb as best you can.

9. Make Fun of the Wedding: I don't care if it is the napkin-rings, or the minister's bad toupee---DO NOT make fun of something that the bride/groom/parents worked HARD on, and are (hopefully) very proud of.

8. Mention Divorce: I don't care if you've been divorced 3 times...leave it out of the toast. "May your hopes and dreams come true, and may you avoid the imminent failure that better than 50% of marriages in the United States experience. To the Bride and Groom."

7. Insult Bride: Try to avoid mentioning that you don't see your best friend anymore...and maybe avoid the fact that you think that she is a fire-breathing whore...it may serve you well in EVER wanting to know your friend again.

6. Read the Bible: I'm not talking about quoting scripture, or citing a verse or two---that is actually a good thing after a religious ceremony. But standing there reading the Bible for a 24 minutes might not be my move.

5. Forget the Bride: This passive-insult is worse than just flat out insulting her. You're blessing a MARRIAGE, not celebrating a friend's life. Even if you say, "I'm proud of you, Joe...you've found a great match." that suffices if you barely know the bride. But there needs to be SOME mention.

4. Admit Groom's infidelity: Probably not the best time to mention that hooker in Scottsdale.

3. Announce your wedding/child: VERY tacky. The focus should be on the bride and groom in the PRESENT...you'll have your day in the future, so ZIP IT for the next 5 hours.

2. Be a Weeping, Sobbing Mess: Have you ever been to a wedding where the maid of honor can't even get her speech out because she's in complete tantrum-mode? The laughing, smiling, sniffling cry is healthy and expected...but utter-sobbing makes the audience feel like you're not happy for the bride, you're pissed that she got married first.

1. Mention ex-boyfriends/girlfriends: I went to a wedding where the groom's father (thrice divorced) was his best man. His speech GENUINELY started out, "Being here in such a great setting, with romance in the air brings back fond memories of (groom)'s first love...his girlfriend Becky..." NO, I'M NOT KIDDING. AND YES, I'VE FELT MORE UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT ONLY DURING A PHYSICAL.


FINALLY...

Music

I've mentioned the band thing...but band v. DJ isn't nearly as vital as the music you select for either to play.

These ten are non-negotiable. If any of the four marrying-parties plan to have these, let me know and I'll be happy to suggest some alternatives. (That will save me from getting in a screaming match with the DJ the way that I did at Bill's wedding.) (Yes, true story.) (I told him that he was worse at his job than any other person on Earth was at their job.)


Top Ten Songs that Should NEVER be Played at a Wedding (July 11, 2006)


It's wedding season, and, as I'm only here to serve the public, I thought I'd take an opportunity to help people out with their track-lists for their weddings, as there are certain songs that are so irritatingly unacceptable that they should be permanently removed from weddings, internationally.

10. Come to my Window: Unless it is a lesbian wedding.

9. Chicken Dance: This thing is so effing stupid. ARE YOU SERIOUS? What's next, oh Mighty Spin Doctor? The Electric Slide?

8. YMCA: I was wrong, the Electric Slide was bypassed for this homo-erotic piece of s***. The only positive of this song is watching the (aforementioned) sweaty uncle who refuses to take off his jacket or loosen his tie attempting to do the dance, but not quite figuring it out. Looks more like "T, infinity, end-parenthesis, O"...but he's having fun...screw it.

7. Any Dave Matthews Band Song: Hey--it's good music, no doubt. But it is A) UTTERLY undanceable. (The DMB Shoulder-rock is fine in concert, NOT on a dance-floor.) B) The songs are WAY too long. It's a neck and neck race between Ants Marching and the opera scene from Godfather III.

6. Summer Love: I realize that every girl's fantasy is singing this as a duet with their new husband, but I've got news for you. Yes, he knows most of the words (by circumstance) but if he sings it with you, he's going to leave you. FOR A DUDE.

5. Daytime Friends, Nighttime Lovers: A CLASSIC Kenny Rogers song...but generally, avoiding songs celebrating functional and accepted adultery are a "no-no" for weddings.

4. This One's For the Girls: You had a bachelorette party so your fat friends could feel like they're accepted...but there is nothing more unappealing that a group of women singing and dancing poorly. Oh wait...yes there is...a group of women singing and dancing poorly to this song.

3. Mony Mony: Unless you want to hear Grandma scream between choruses, "Hey everybody, get laid, get f***ed!"

2. La Bamba: Pardon me...this must have found its way over from the "Songs that should be played on repeat at weddings" blog.

1. Butterfly Kisses: Yes girls, it is a song about a father giving his daughter away...but it is so effing sappy, and SO OVERDONE! Just because that's what the song is about doesn't mean that you should dance to it...I don't go around killing eastcoast rappers every time I listen to Tupac "Hit 'em Up"!



But beyond those simple requests, congratulations and best wishes...you know-nothing bastards.


Last Will and Testament

Just a few points that I need to make as I leave my soapbox:

1. The University of Washington football program will never return to its status as a perrenial top-25 program until they rid themselves of the coaching-cancer that is Tyrone Willingham. He is a classy, intelligent man who served a purpose in cleaning up an out-of-control program. But his time has passed---and probably never should have began. Race was an issue when he was hired and has remained one after keeping his job at a time when any other coach in the country would have been fired. The superior is a tough position to take, as I don't know what the solution for UW is---I just know that it isn't Ty.

2. John Mayer is not a good musician, Dane Cook is not a good comedian, and Dazed and Confused is not a good movie. Let's move on...

3. Regardless as to who wins the Presidential Election, the country is doomed for another eight years of garbage, unless that person can find a way to 54 or so % of the popular vote. And that's not going to happen.

4. ESPN's next viewer-voted, tournament style competition will be the "Greatest Baseball Players of All-Time" which will be won by the 2006 Boise State Football Team.

5. There is nothing more pathetic than the new "friends" a woman makes after a divorce or break-up from a long-term relationship. Just a hint: it is better to be lonely than to hang out with chicks that say things like, "You go girl!"

6. I have a Q3-08 "BUY" Rating on Tattoo-Removal Clinics. This ridiculous fad is about the hump the shark and when it does, I'll be ready.

7. When deciding to eat healthy for a week, having Chinese for lunch is not a good start.

Oh No...I did it my (objectionable) way...

(Before I even get to my thank-you's...I have to write something. I love Bob Knight---but was I the only person annoyed after he retired when he kept saying, "My Way" was his favorite song and then citing that line that (in his mind) went: "Regrets---oh yeah, I've had some". Really Bob? It is your favorite song and you can't remember the four-word line, "I've had a few."??? SERIOUSLY?)

There are some people that I need to thank for their continued support during the course of my two-year blogging career.

First, my original subscribers (on myspace):

Anne, Marisa, Curtis (more on him to come), Kendra, My unnamed former-roommate, Sydney (one of my most-loyal despite not knowing her), Chamby (my blogging Yoda), Tiffany, Blings, McCaw, O-Town, Stefan, Neek, Mo, Bill III, Lindsay B, Brooke, Dave (my most-critical reader), Jayme, Lizzie, Dupounties, Ketchum, Alexis and Gay, South African Jacob.

Second: Everyone (and everything) else:
Michael Vick, idiots at bachelor parties, Tyrone Willingham's futility, Sato, Alaska Airlines, The University of Puget Sound, Dave Concepcion, Arvid from "Head of the Class", Pigs in Space, Santa Claus, Sir Mix-a-lot, Benedict Arnold, People at church who do the Celestial Benchpress during worship, Drederick Tatum, Dr. Richard Kimble, Erin Andrews, the entire cast of LOST, Pornography, Jodie Sweetin, Curtis' many faults, Fraternity Life, Endoplasmic Reticulum (or reticuli?), Brittany Buckner/Ben Shelton/Eric Ankrim/Ryan Homchick/Eli Swanson and any other UPS grad trying to "make it" in Hollywood, lesbians, crappy cover bands, Cocaine, Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice' closet-homosexuality, Frogger, The Golden Corral, Pucky, Satan, Jon Brockman, Canadians, Christmas, People who make crappy Evites, Mercury Morris, CORBALEY!, The City of Kent, Rick Neuheisal, People who drink Jager by choice, Redtube, Gangsta Rap, Joe Carter, Joe Carter, McCaw's first Christmas Party trip, Kanye, Shaquille O'Neal's manhood, Frosty The Snowman, Hien Dung, Country music, Keri Russell, Bob Loblaw's Law Blog, The Honkey Tonk Man, Guys with Jesus tattoos, All of the people at my gym--particularly "Crazy Neck-lift Guy" and "I Make my Wife do Power-Cleans Guy", The Caveman Show, People who confuse Obama with Odwalla, Tom Cruise's secret stash of Benadryl, The utter misery that is Sex and the City, Un-funny people who still talk about mullets, The courageous few who will actually cut their hair into one, Just For Men, Phil Mickelson, People who say that they were "cheated" by baseball players using the juice, juice, People who press the button to cross the street eleventy bajillion times, The adhesive notepad industry, World B. Free and Mary Christ, Love Potion #9, Dr. Pepper Drinkers, People who endorse Democratic economic policy, People who say that WSU is a "really good school", male cat lovers, and Arsenio Hall.




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Please email me or add my blog via myspace---I appreciate all of the time, energy and support.

Oh--and F the Lutes.

mcflyblogs@gmail.com

2.29.08

Happy Birthday!

To Michael Pollack, the kid who grew up down the street from me. He turns 7 today.

Awww...a little Social Retard...

I'm not much for sentimental, but a cute kid talking about Star Wars gets to me.

I'm Torn...

I thought that Talledega Nights was going to be awful and it was fantastic...so there is hope for this one, despite a horrendous trailer.

I heard Will Ferrell on "The Dan Patrick Show" the other day talking about how he thinks that the Lakers should do "Stray Cat and Dog Night" as a promotion. At halftime, they let out 1000 strays at halftime.

No cleanup.

Coaches, players and fans just have to adjust accordingly.

Brilliant.

Okay...now I'm LOST. (Get it? It's punny.)

If you are the uncommitted, DVRing type, stop reading and skip to the next section---AND STICK TO SOMETHING FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!

Alright. What the fart was that?

They follow the worst episode ever with the most-confusing episode ever. Suddenly, LOST has gone Quantum Leap on us, and we're left to try to figure out what the s is going on, despite being non-Science Fiction types.

HOWEVER...

Because it was based on Desmond I liked it.

Because it had MULTIPLE scenes with Penelope, so I LOVED it. Answer me this: after looking at her and hearing her voice, how could ANY male not be in love with Penelope? The show has had 78 episodes...she's been in FIVE of them. And if the show ever were to go into a slump, the chance of her coming on screen would be enough to pull me through. I haven't had a television crush like this since Stephanie Tanner and Winnie Cooper.

But back to Earth.

I hope that they get rid of this Science Fiction garbage and let us just enjoy the show. It is getting close to becoming too far-fetched.

Hmm...

Yesterday I asked for topics to write about...to no surprise, I received one subject suggestion.

From Skaw.

And to no surprise, it far too controversial to write about. Thus you're reading crap again.

Probably About Time

I haven't written much about college basketball this year...basically because Washington is awful. AW. FUL.

But this is about the time of year when people start paying attention. Why?

Because today is the last day of February. If they watch that big Lehigh game tonight, you can say, "I hate people that only watch in March."

So as a service for those of you who are just checking in, I thought I'd give you a run-down of the top teams in the country, so you do waste your time bandwagoning with the wrong ones.

I'll use ESPN's Bubble Watch as my barometer...anyone who is listed by Andy Glockner as "Should be in" will get a comment.

I'm going to go simple---I'll just give you each team's top-end finish in the NCAA tournament. This isn't necessarily where I think that they'll finish (that has too much to do with draw) but where I think that they can go...as there are good teams, and then there are teams that can win six games in a row against top-flight competition.

So here we go...by conference.

ACC

Locks:
Duke: Final Four
North Carolina: Final Game

Should be in:
Clemson: Regional Final

Big East

Locks:
UConn: Regional Final
Georgetown: National Championship
Notre Dame: Final Four
Louisville: Final Game
Marquette: Sweet Sixteen

Should be in:
Pitt: Sweet Sixteen

Big Ten

Locks:
Indiana: Regional Final
Michigan State: Sweet Sixteen
Wisconsin: Final Four
Purdue: Sweet Sixteen

Big Twelve:

Locks:
Texas: National Championship
Kansas: Final Four

(There were no "Should be ins"...but a couple of other teams I wanted to comment on)

Kansas State: Final Four
Texas A&M: Regional Final


Pac-10

Locks:
UCLA: National Championship
Stanford: National Championship

Should be in:
WSU: Second Round (Seriously...they have been VERY inconsistent against good teams.)
Arizona: Regional Final

Also:
USC: Final Four
Arizona State: Second Round
Oregon: Second Round
California: One and done.

SEC:

Locks:
Tennessee: National Championship
Vanderbilt: Vanderbilt

Should be in:
Mississippi State: Sweet Sixteen

Atlantic Ten

Xavier: Second Round (And they're a #2 seed in this week's Bracketology!)

Others:

Locks:
Memphis: National Championship
Butler: Sweet Sixteen
Dayton: Second Round

Should be in:
BYU: Second Round (Their second round game will be on a Sunday, so they'll forfeit.)
Kent State: (I'll skip the massacre joke) One and done.
Saint Mary's: Second Round (Most overrated team in the country.)
Gonzaga: Second Round (Forgive me...St. Mary's is the SECOND most overrated team in the country.)

So based on those ratings...the teams that I said could go all the way are:

Georgetown
Texas
UCLA
Stanford
Tennessee
Vanderbilt
Memphis

Pretty short list. My quick thoughts on each:

Georgetown: Not as good a team as last year---but when you have size (and their's doesn't stop at Hibbert) you have a chance in the NCAA Tournament. Figure out how to make some shots outside and you have a GREAT chance.

Texas: Hottest team in the country. And there have been MANY National Championship teams who are led by one small, slashing guard. (Mateen Cleeves, Khalid el-Ahmin, Tony Delk to name a few in the last dozen or so years.) (Of course based on those names, DJ Augustine may want to bow out in the Sweet Sixteen to ensure a successful NBA Career...)

UCLA: My pick at the beginning of the season and my pick now. Darren Collisen is getting back into shape, Russel Westbrook may quietly be the most NBA-ready guard in the country, and Kevin Love is absolutely unstoppable. If they can avoid a shooting slump, they're the best team, with the bast game-coach, and should go all the way.

Stanford: Nobody matches their size with the Lopez twins, but Mitch Johnson and Anthony Goods are the two that make the team go. They'd need somewhat of a perfect-storm...maybe an easy road to the Regional Final to build momentum. But if confident, they're SCARY.

Tennessee: I've never liked teams that rely heavily on one guy to make threes---and Chris Lofton is creeping up on being the all-time leader in that department. They proved that they could win on a huge stage on the road against Memphis...and promptly dumped one against Vandy. That said though---they rebound VERY well and (as of this morning) had six different guys averaging better than a steal a game (and another at .9). As with any team, it depends on draw, but if they can run and gun for 4 of their 6 games, they've got a shot.

Vanderbilt: No seriously. They were in the Sweet Sixteen a year ago. They have two studs in Foster and Ogilvy and they're in the SEC. Look at the NCAA Tournament over the past ten years---the team that wins the SEC Tournament has NOT fared poorly.

Memphis: They're a bit deflated after the Tennessee lost, but when you have that many good backcourt players and a solid rebounder (Joey Dorsey) you've got a fighting chance. I don't love them...but they're too talented not to mention.

If I had to rank them in likelihood, I'd say:
1. UCLA
2. Texas
3. Memphis
4. Georgetown
5. Tennessee
6. Vanderbilt
7. Stanford


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mcflyblogs@gmail.com

2.28.08

A Little Help?

I am just struggling for things to write about. UW is awful, but it is till a couple weeks early to write about the NCAA Tournament. The vice-presidential candidates won't be announced for months. And Paris Hilton hasn't ruined anyone's life recently...

And since nobody is sending me questions to answer, I offer some old Conan links...


Link 1:
An old clip of Conan and some "celebrities".

Link 2:
More Conan...he and Arnold previewing Friends.

Link 3:
And one with Donald Trump.


UPS Marketing

I was thinking Wednesday about how the mighty University of Puget Sound fails to receive the credit it deserves nationally...so I thought, "Hey McFly! Why don't you come up with some slogans that UPS can use in a national print-media campaign?!?"

Great idea...here we go.

The University of Puget Sound:
Got a spare $120k?

The University of Puget Sound:
You don't know friendship until you've shared 17 of the same girls.

The University of Puget Sound:
Had he completed a full regimen of liberal arts classes instead of dropping out, Ted Bundy would have had the wherewithal to kill hundreds of women!

The University of Puget Sound:
After Science in Context, grad school is f***ing joke!

The University of Puget Sound:
Where we've never had a police assault on hippie protesters---but we're working on it.

The University of Puget Sound:
There are no cats in Tacoma, and the streets are filled with cheese.

The University of Puget Sound:
Ever heard a bonch scream?

The University of Puget Sound:
The Honors House is the Northwest's version of Hef's grotto.

The University of Puget Sound:
Home of Curtis Patching (1994-2006).

The University of Puget Sound:
It's made Hien Dung a millionaire.

The University of Puget Sound:
Ever seen someone throw red paint on the milk man?

The University of Puget Sound:
Soothing red brick, luscious green ivy, shockingly white students.

The University of Puget Sound:
What fun is college without a campus masturbator?

The University of Puget Sound:
You didn't want to go to Stanford anyway.

The University of Puget Sound:
Resnick-Pierce free since 2003.

And my favorite...

The University of Puget Sound:
Think that "Loggers" is a funny nickname? At least we're not the F***ING LUTES!

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Let's get some questions in for tomorrow, kids!

mcflyblogs@gmail.com

2.27.08

Musical Highs and Lows...

High:
I have (as usual) lost interest in American Idol now that people are actually trying to...you know...succeed.

But I stumbled into it last night, and for the first hour and fourteen minutes I was tremendously underwhelmed. There has been so much hype about how this is "the most-talented" group in the show's history, but it was (as Simon Cowell would say) bad karaoke. (Particularly "David Cook" whom my friend Ian is calling--in classy form--"Corky".)

Then it all changed.

Seventeen year-old David Archuleta---who was already the clear-cut favorite---proved that he was the most-talented person on the show since Kelli Clarkson.

He may have peaked too early--and he may not win. But it doesn't matter.

The next ten years for this kid are going to be unimaginable.

He'll go octuple platinum in his first week, and in the game-department, he's going to be rivaling Tom Brady and even me! I mean---there were about 5,000 high school aged girls last night that were impregnated just by listening to that song last night!

And I know that man-crushes are the thing these days----is it creepy to have a man-crush on a seventeen-year-old, partially-effeminate boy? If that means I'm a pederast, than FINE! If I get 1 % of his lifetime earnings, pederast I am!

Low:

24 Hour Fitness isn't exactly known for phenomenal music selection...but today was a new low.

As I walked out of the locker room, I heard lyrics that I knew, but couldn't place.

Turns out that I (and all of the other gym-goers) were listening to a techno-cover of "She's Like the Wind" from Dirty Dancing.

I mean---at first it was odd, but when you have an Ecstasy-induced buzz going, that "She leads me through moonlight, only to burn me with the sun" line really gets your blood going.


And if that wasn't bad enough, they added doo-wop back-up singers to it in place of the solos.

Seriously?

Can you imagine the conversation at an...I don't know...music convention?

"Hi, how are you?"

"Good, how are you?"

"Good--so--are you an artist?"

"Yeah--I play drums for Coldplay."

"Wow--how did you get the gig?"

"Well---I knew the guy who did it previously. When he left, I got a tryout and it stuck."

"Wow, cool."

"Yeah--are you a performer?"

"I am, yeah."

"Really---who are you with?"

"Oh--I do doo-wop backup vocals for the guy who does techno covers to Patrick Swayze songs."

(Silence.)

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Sorry I've been half-assing it of late. Short on time...

mcflyblogs@gmail.com

2.26.08

NOW I remember...

You know these people that I'm always referring to that say things just because they think they're supposed to? You know---things like "I loved Dazed and Confused" or "Dude--that DAVE show was sooooo good. Did you see the way that they just jammed on 'Crush'--that was amazing." You know--that particular flavor of douche bag.

Anyway---I finally recalled where I knew them from. I knew that they were buried somewhere deep in my memory and I finally placed it...

They were the bed-pans that in junior high used to start conversations, "Man--I hate cops!"

Really?

You "hate" cops?

"Yeah man---we didn't do nothin and they keep ridin' me."

Okay--I'm sure you're right.

I'm sure a pack of 13 year-olds smoking cigarettes and loitering isn't a sign that a criminal act is about to take place---you're totally right.

To their credit though---I hated cops at that age too.

Although that probably had more to do with the fact that when I was 11, I was raped by McGruff the Crime Dog.

OKAY! I got it!

You guys can stop sending me Jimmy Kimmel's response to the "I'm _______ Matt Damon" video. I got it.


I Want my TV Back...

The networks have duped us.

They announced all of this garbage about the strike getting resolved and subliminally, we all said to ourselves, "Hey---I can start watching television again."

BUT NO.

We have still have six weeks of refried, par-boiled garbage to deal with.

So--I'm not exactly sure which shows are coming back on for a shortened spring season...but I'm going to predict they all are, so I can pick a bunch of them to write ridiculous predictions about.

So we'll go network-by-network. Here goes...

ABC

According to Jim: ABC puts millions behind a marketing campaign to advertise the pilot of this show...for the third time, not telling anyone that it has actually been on for several seasons despite nobody watching. Did you ever think you'd utter the phrase, "Man--I wish Step by Step was still on the air."

Cavemen: After a six month hiatus, the worst idea in television history returns with a bang. In the premeire--get this--the cavemen find themselves in a modern situation with the mentality of a caveman. I can't wait (and it won't be as funny as it was when it happened 20 years ago.)

Eli Stone: A show about a lawyer who spontaneously visualizes George Michael in odd situations and can see the future has a premeire episode where he flashes forward 60 minutes to see that his show is cancelled.

Oprah's Big Give: In a shocking turn of events, Oprah puts on a charitable event that inevitably turns into profit for her. (Much like that school in Africa that she built for $15 Million...and then promptly sold 700 million copies of her new book, "Why I built a school in Africa".)

Wife Swap: Wife Swap apparently will finally come through in the short spring season and finally find two husbands that swap wives for the right reasons.

NBC

American Gladiators: After news of a scandal revealing that Leila Ali has actually grown a penis, the show turns from an overdone-remake of a phenomenal game show into what it should be: a steroid-induced orgy.

ER: The show returns and then dramatically ends when people finally figure out that ER was meant to mean "endoplasmic reticulum" the entire time and the plots up until now have made absolutely no sense.

Las Vegas: In a new commitment to viewer-honesty, NBC starts showing a split screen to Mark-Paul Gosseler whispering the gangs' elaborate plans into their ear----because we all know that there is only one NBC actor in history capable of capers like this...

Saturday Night Live: Breaks a record for ratings when they release an episode that consists of nothing but cast-members sitting around a room doing their impersonation of Bryant Gumbel asking Pacman Jones, "Did...ya make it rain?"

CBS

The Big Bang Theory: The makers of "Laugh-track" finally go out of business when this show changes back to its original title, "The Gang Bang Theory."

CSI Miami: They announced last week that they'd be the first show back, as their writers are working extra hard to get out scripts. The first one---which I got an insider look at---isn't quite what you're probably used to. It is simply the gang solving a crime in five minutes, and then all of them getting drunk and talking about chicks they wanted to sleep with in college.

The New Adventures of Old Christine: It continues CBS's commitment to quality by remaining a sad, pathetic show.

The Unit: (Too easy.)


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2.25.07

A Few Quick Notes and a Link...

I found a youtube link that is so phenomenal that anything I write will fail to do it justice.

But a few quick notes since we spoke last:

-Forgot to mention LOST on Friday. Probably the worst episode in the show's four-year history, and absolutely the first episode that was completely predictable. And think about the falloff...in a week we went from the awesomeness of Sayid capping people in Europe to Kate in an unflattering orange jumpsuit. I mean--that's no fun...

-Tiger Woods is better at golf than I am at napping.

-The Sportscenter "Greatest Highlight" series is incredibly ironic. They're spending two minutes of every half hour determining which highlight is the best of the "ESPN-era". The irony is that their presentation, and the ridiculousness of the fan-bias has made this series the WORST two-minute segment in sports during the ESPN-era.

-Daniel Day Lewis won Best Actor last night, which made me happy. He deserved it...even though I didn't see a single other movie this year.

-Someone told me that Chalula was in bankruptcy before they announced the wooden-top. God bless the guy (or girl) who came up with that. (But let's be honest...it was a dude.)

and Finally...

-I got staff from the gym for the second time in three years. Anyone want to rub skin together?


Oh--and the link.

No introduction needed. Just watch it and forward it to everyone you know.

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2.22.08

Limericks...

I realized that I've never used my negligible Irish background to write limericks about current events.

So why not?

Ode to Calvin...

Sampson was Indy Coach,
The rules of the college he'd broach.
He called high school kids,
Watched live not on vids.
Has the character of a cockroach.


Ode to Castro...

Fidel was Cuba's dictator,
JFK stopped him as a trader.
Castro's beard it went gray,
Fewer opinions he'd sway.
And the Commie said "Peace, see ya later."

Ode to the Market...

Oh the NASDAQ and Dow's bumpy ride!
When the dot-coms went bust how we cried.
The commodities soar,
And real estate hits the floor,
My 401k just rolled over and died.

Ode to Terrible Sports Broadcasters...

You tell us who wins the game's prize,
When we can't see the score with our eyes.
For insights, your skills are picked,
But you always make me so ticked,
When you say things like, "YOU CAN'T TEACH SIZE!"

Ode to the Diesel...

Shaq is the king of the slam,
He's old, but he still gives a damn.
Shaq could get his fifth ring,
Make a short Canuck sing.
But still be the star of Kazaam.

Ode to the Academy...

The Oscars are two days away,
And interest invokes shades of gray.
The films weren't big money,
Though I hear Juno's funny.
But I'm rooting for ole' Daniel Day.

Ode to Willingham...

It's disdain for you that makes me write,
Your record it inspires fright.
You shouldn't have been hired,
I can't believe you weren't fired.
Being nice don't make you right.

Ode to the Pastime...

Baseball is here for the year,
Where there's sunshine, the players are near.
The Mets' staff is loaded,
The Tigers' bats bloated.
But "STEROIDS" is all we can hear.

Ode to Britney

Papparazzi: they swarm like pirhanna,
Yet she still does whatever she wanna.
Though her kids went away,
I'm still here to say,
She's one comeback from being Madonna.

Ode to the Enemy...

Another tourney trip for Gonzaga,
Though I tried to infect them with plague-a.
In the first round their hopes will die,
But "David" their fans will cry,
Though Few is Goliath of all fag-a.

Ode to a Confusing Trade...

Lebron needed players to lead,
So the Sonics' cap-room they freed.
The Bulls finally got rid of Ben,
He, Wally help Bron Bron win?
Three years ago I would have agreed.

Ode to my Blackberry Curve...

Oh! Your face how it glowed,
As pics and mail I load.
People reach me all day,
As I type and I sway,
And I drive my car off the road.

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