New Year's Eve Translator
I hope that everyone had a great Christmas. Mine was fine, but I picked up that cold that is going around.
And yes, THAT cold. There is only one strand.
So now, under a doctor's care, I prepare for New Year's Eve, like the rest of you. I've decided to alternate years between my Seattle crew and my San Francisco crew, in an effort to rid my liver of its foundation and its roof. (Of course next year I'm hoping to be hanging out with NEITHER group...) So this year is San Francisco, a place that a person with as little self-control as I have should never go--much less when he is feeling poorly.
But nonetheless, I feel the need to prepare for the night.
(Before I start though---product placement has become a little out-of-control. How much do you think Phil Knight dropped to have the Nike logo on Pakistani Opposition Leader Bhutto's casket?)
I don't have the ability to send pocket-manuals to all of you, so feel free to print this out and create your own New Year's Eve Pocket Translator.
Here goes:
You say:
"Happy New Year's!"
You mean:
"Happy New Year."
Interesting point here. In first grade, we learn that if you an "apostrophe+s" to a word, it gives it a possessive quality. So I'd ask--when you say, "Happy New Year's", WHAT THE FLYING F ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???
I swear, by the grace of God, that if any of you use that phrase again, without putting "eve", "day", or "poop" behind it, you will be struck by lightning where you stand, and instead of being electrocuted, you'll immediately contract syphilis.
So stop it.
You say:
"CHEERS!"
You mean:
"I have nothing to say to you and am going to medicate myself. Join me!"
You know that scenario in a bar, where a group of guys is standing talking to each other, but never really look each other in the eye, because their heads are on a constant swivel, trying to find someone better to talk to? It's like that, only 1,000 times amplified. I don't care who you meet in the four hours before midnight on Monday night--just promise me you won't judge them by what they do and do not say. It's a stressful time--cut them some slack.
You say:
"New Year's Eve is my favorite holiday."
You mean:
"I'm an absolute shmuck."
I'm just going to leave the fact that anything ending in "eve" is probably the predecessor to a holiday and not a holiday in and of itself.
But honestly--if you spend the whole year hoping and waiting for this one night, you are a disturbed and frightening individual, and I pray that your ankle bracelet keeps you away from the party I'm planning to attend.
You say:
"I love champagne."
You mean:
"I love cheap, carbonated wine."
This is an affront to humanity. Andre and Cooks are NOT champagne. The only greater affront are the half-wits who spend $45 on an actual bottle of champagne and then make mimosa out of it.
(Of course neither are the affront to humanity that Sonic's new Cheesecake Bites are. Dear Lord...)
You say:
"Thank God I'm single."
You mean:
"I would give $3,000,000 and a kidney for a girlfriend right now."
I've been given the authority to make these kind of decisions for the rest of the world, so don't fret: There is no night where it is worse to be single than New Year's Eve--Valentine's Day is a cake-walk in relative terms.
You say:
"Hi, I'm Joe."
You mean:
"I'm a little short on time--is there ANYTHING that I can say that will convince you to kiss me at midnight?"
Remember those parties in college where you showed up wearing red, yellow or green, based on your willingness to hook up that night? You're going to want people dressed-up for New Year's Eve---so I suggest just handing out signs with all three colors, so people like me don't waste their time talking to the girlfriend of someone at the party I don't know. That's like the hooking-up equivalent of those teachers who used to cancel tests, so you'd learn the material.
You say:
"THREE, TWO, ONE"
You mean:
"I'm either kissing this chick or nobody...hey--at least my sister's got good genes."
I think this one speaks for itself. "Happy New Year's."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
12.21.07
Merry Christmas.
In light of travel, family, and everything else---save my annual "I HATE NEW YEAR'S EVE" blog next Friday---this will be the last blog of the year. So be safe. Enjoy your family and relish the spirit of the season. Merry Christmas.
50 Things to Love about Christmas
1. Clark W. Griswald Jr.
2. Only time of the year it is okay to leave your socks out in the living room.
3. Celebrating a fat guy who invades people's homes.
4. Men wrapping presents.
5. The fact that I've been asking for video games for Christmas for 23 years.
6. The Poulan Weed-eater Bowl.
7. The fact that Roger Clemens family will be eating a free-range, non-injected turkey this year.
8. Decorating a house with big red balls.
9. Mistletoe--the Christian roofie.
10. Speaking out against Christmas Sweater Parties.
11. Families coming together pretending to like each other.
12. "DAD'S GONNA' KILL RALPHIE!"
13. My friend Dan taking the day off.
14. Black santa.
15. Christmas movies that don't recognize Rudolph.
16. Carol of the Bells.
17. ABC centering their programming around a suspected rapist.
18. The Christmas break where Jesse and I went on a 16-day bender where we had no less than 18 beers each day.
19. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!
20. Satsumas.
21. The ridiculous crap that we buy our dad every year.
22. Steve Martin's Wish.
23. Hop-a-long Boots.
24. Guys watching Love Actually.
25. Idiots who sign their Christmas card on their cat's behalf.
26. Kevin McCallister.
27. Thank you notes that are all exactly the same.
28. Mall Santas.
29. Linus' speech.
30. The Spears Family Christmas Special. (Yes, there was one a couple years ago.)
31. Drunk people at midnight Mass.
32. My brother wearing the robe he got when he was 9 down to open presents.
33. Jews decorating their houses blue and white.
34. Aaron Neville.
35. People spitting on environmentalists picketing at Rockefeller Center.
36. Pretending you aren't home when carolers come by.
37. Pretending to like the food at the office potluck.
38. The fact that Jesus was probably born in late summer.
39. Trying to read "A Christmas Carol" and imagining Scrooge to look like anything but a duck.
40. The amniotic-looking slime on the outside of a ham.
41. The fact that you've never actually finished a full-sized candy cane.
42. "MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU WONDERFUL OLD BUILDING AND LOAN YOU!"
43. Mr. Magoo's Christmas Special.
44. Celebrating a fat man who lives in isolation with his pack of elves.
45. Only a week away from people breaking their New Year's Resolutions.
46. People recognizing Kwanzaa as though it is an actual holiday.
47. Calendar stores.
48. "Yippee-kai-ay, mother f*****."
49. Erik's Christmas Party (and my attempt to recap it every year.)
50. THE GREATEST YOUTUBE CLIP OF ALL TIME!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Merry Christmas, every one.
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
In light of travel, family, and everything else---save my annual "I HATE NEW YEAR'S EVE" blog next Friday---this will be the last blog of the year. So be safe. Enjoy your family and relish the spirit of the season. Merry Christmas.
50 Things to Love about Christmas
1. Clark W. Griswald Jr.
2. Only time of the year it is okay to leave your socks out in the living room.
3. Celebrating a fat guy who invades people's homes.
4. Men wrapping presents.
5. The fact that I've been asking for video games for Christmas for 23 years.
6. The Poulan Weed-eater Bowl.
7. The fact that Roger Clemens family will be eating a free-range, non-injected turkey this year.
8. Decorating a house with big red balls.
9. Mistletoe--the Christian roofie.
10. Speaking out against Christmas Sweater Parties.
11. Families coming together pretending to like each other.
12. "DAD'S GONNA' KILL RALPHIE!"
13. My friend Dan taking the day off.
14. Black santa.
15. Christmas movies that don't recognize Rudolph.
16. Carol of the Bells.
17. ABC centering their programming around a suspected rapist.
18. The Christmas break where Jesse and I went on a 16-day bender where we had no less than 18 beers each day.
19. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!
20. Satsumas.
21. The ridiculous crap that we buy our dad every year.
22. Steve Martin's Wish.
23. Hop-a-long Boots.
24. Guys watching Love Actually.
25. Idiots who sign their Christmas card on their cat's behalf.
26. Kevin McCallister.
27. Thank you notes that are all exactly the same.
28. Mall Santas.
29. Linus' speech.
30. The Spears Family Christmas Special. (Yes, there was one a couple years ago.)
31. Drunk people at midnight Mass.
32. My brother wearing the robe he got when he was 9 down to open presents.
33. Jews decorating their houses blue and white.
34. Aaron Neville.
35. People spitting on environmentalists picketing at Rockefeller Center.
36. Pretending you aren't home when carolers come by.
37. Pretending to like the food at the office potluck.
38. The fact that Jesus was probably born in late summer.
39. Trying to read "A Christmas Carol" and imagining Scrooge to look like anything but a duck.
40. The amniotic-looking slime on the outside of a ham.
41. The fact that you've never actually finished a full-sized candy cane.
42. "MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU WONDERFUL OLD BUILDING AND LOAN YOU!"
43. Mr. Magoo's Christmas Special.
44. Celebrating a fat man who lives in isolation with his pack of elves.
45. Only a week away from people breaking their New Year's Resolutions.
46. People recognizing Kwanzaa as though it is an actual holiday.
47. Calendar stores.
48. "Yippee-kai-ay, mother f*****."
49. Erik's Christmas Party (and my attempt to recap it every year.)
50. THE GREATEST YOUTUBE CLIP OF ALL TIME!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Merry Christmas, every one.
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
12.20.07
Back to Basics
As I said--it is very quiet over here. I figure in an average day, I receive forty emails from clients, and speak to ten of them. Yesterday, I sent my normal amount of emails, made beyond my normal amount of calls and received exactly ZERO calls back, and exactly ONE email back...
Which means that once again, I have very little to write about...
So with that in mind, I decided to go back to my old ways...and with that in mind, I give you:
THE TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE YOUR CHRISTMAS MORE INTERESTING
10. Laxatives in Santa's Milk: Kids--want to know if the Big Guy exists? Just see if your parents spend an unusual amount of time on the porcelain throne Christmas morning.
9. Sing Christmas Carols in a Round: (You guys know what a round is, yes? Where everyone starts after different stanzas, and continues singing the song until everyone has completed it? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" is a favorite for this, as four groups can hit the "MERRILY MERRILY" part in succession.) ANYWAY--I want you to do this on all songs--not just the simple ones like "Jingle Bells"...and in all situations. Driving in the car with one friend? Echo their words ten seconds behind them. Church leading a song? Take the initiative to change up the arrangement. Walking through the mall? Get strangers to join you in a little "God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen."
8. Serve Horse at Christmas Dinner: But tell everyone that it is dog.
7. Give your Younger Sister a Gift Certificate to an Abortion Clinic: I was going to say "Note: This is Only for Britney Spears" but this is funny on its own...
6. Bring a Hooker to Your Office Party: See if anyone recognizes her...
5. Make Snowman Cookies: This doesn't seem weird at first---except that you're going to frost 10% of them to look like breasts.
4. Give Charitable Donations instead of Gifts: Just like George did--except you're also going to complain endlessly about how crappy the gifts your family gave you are.
3. Hire Friends to Stomp on the Roof: to convince your younger siblings or children that there is a Santa Claus----then call the police on them and pretend like you had nothing to do with it.
2. Start Wearing a Beret: Doesn't have much to do with Christmas--but is a really good idea.
1. Go to an Elementary School and tell all of the Kids that there is no Santa Claus: And when someone confronts you on it, respond, "It's okay--I'm a sex-offender!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
As I said--it is very quiet over here. I figure in an average day, I receive forty emails from clients, and speak to ten of them. Yesterday, I sent my normal amount of emails, made beyond my normal amount of calls and received exactly ZERO calls back, and exactly ONE email back...
Which means that once again, I have very little to write about...
So with that in mind, I decided to go back to my old ways...and with that in mind, I give you:
THE TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE YOUR CHRISTMAS MORE INTERESTING
10. Laxatives in Santa's Milk: Kids--want to know if the Big Guy exists? Just see if your parents spend an unusual amount of time on the porcelain throne Christmas morning.
9. Sing Christmas Carols in a Round: (You guys know what a round is, yes? Where everyone starts after different stanzas, and continues singing the song until everyone has completed it? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" is a favorite for this, as four groups can hit the "MERRILY MERRILY" part in succession.) ANYWAY--I want you to do this on all songs--not just the simple ones like "Jingle Bells"...and in all situations. Driving in the car with one friend? Echo their words ten seconds behind them. Church leading a song? Take the initiative to change up the arrangement. Walking through the mall? Get strangers to join you in a little "God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen."
8. Serve Horse at Christmas Dinner: But tell everyone that it is dog.
7. Give your Younger Sister a Gift Certificate to an Abortion Clinic: I was going to say "Note: This is Only for Britney Spears" but this is funny on its own...
6. Bring a Hooker to Your Office Party: See if anyone recognizes her...
5. Make Snowman Cookies: This doesn't seem weird at first---except that you're going to frost 10% of them to look like breasts.
4. Give Charitable Donations instead of Gifts: Just like George did--except you're also going to complain endlessly about how crappy the gifts your family gave you are.
3. Hire Friends to Stomp on the Roof: to convince your younger siblings or children that there is a Santa Claus----then call the police on them and pretend like you had nothing to do with it.
2. Start Wearing a Beret: Doesn't have much to do with Christmas--but is a really good idea.
1. Go to an Elementary School and tell all of the Kids that there is no Santa Claus: And when someone confronts you on it, respond, "It's okay--I'm a sex-offender!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
12.19.07
Realization
I don't think really attractive women like it when you repeatedly stare at them.
That just kind of hit me yesterday when a girl in my yoga class stayed in a 122 degree room about ten minutes longer than she had to so as to avoid me.
Then again...it may just be that really attractive women don't like it when you repeatedly stare at them when you have a bright red six-day beard and are sweating out of every pore on your body.
Stupid.
There are a lot of marketing-types in the Arnolds---do any of you do advertising for the sports department of a university?
If so, here is a clue:
NOBODY EFFING CARES ABOUT WOMEN'S SPORTS.
Just leave them out of the men's ads...it's like putting a guy having a heart-attack in a KFC ad.
And While You're at It...
Will someone tell Fox Sports that they're picture-in-picture replays are phenomenal. (And by "phenomenal" I mean "more nauseating than the teacups.")
A Constantly Changing List...
More than once I've said that I was going to do a service to the three people on Earth that are more behind-the-times on music than I am by giving "IPOD Essentials" here and there.
Well--I haven't done it.
HOWEVER...
When it comes to Christmas music, I tend to feel like I'm on top of things. SO--here are this year's five songs that you need on your IPOD (at least for the next week.)
(And NO--they aren't all new songs--but with only one month of play per year, it is tough to "play-out" a Christmas song...)
5. "Hark! The Herald Angel Sing" by Johnny Cash: Johnny Cash Christmas songs are priceless because he is so distinctively harsh and strung-out---and that is so contradictory to Christmas that it is absolutely beautiful.
4. "Christmas Day" by Dido: Another great thing about Christmas music--straight men are allowed to listen to artists that they'd be lynched for any other time during the year...
3. "Do They Know It's Christmas" by Band Aid: Perrennial non-mainstream classic...
2. "Christmas Canon" by The Transiberian Orchestra: Again--don't see them live, but they have some solid tracks.
1. "Prayer of the Children" by Kurt Bester: It's like a chamber choir meets Imogen Heap meets Steve Winwood. Best new track of the year.
AND...
If you're looking to keep yourself from suicide this holiday season, you may want to avoid these tracks:
5. "Jingle Bells" by the Singing Dogs: Okay--funny once. Terrible twice.
4. "Christmas with You is the Best (Let's Have a Non-Traditional, Non-Denominational Celebration)" by The Long Winters: I almost want you to download this song, just to hear how bad it is.
3. "Frosty the Snowman" by the Beach Boys
2. "The Man with all the Toys" by the Beach Boys
1. "Little Saint Nick" by the Beach Boys
So the basic story is this--the Beach Boys are the most-overrated band in the history of popular music. I absolutely hate myself for knowing a couple dozen of the songs. They are less-desirable than Riggins' roommate this season on Friday Night Lights.
Final Point:
As you can tell, the last couple days have been disjointed. There is virtually nothing going on at work, the gym is empty, and people seem to be avoiding pissing me off this week, so I've had to take a bunch of little things instead of one or two big ones...
But here is today's final point:
Ryan Appleby.
Everyone hates him. That's fine. But he's one of the top 2-3 shooters in the country, and mark my words:
He will play in the NBA.
He probably won't be drafted. He'll probably take a few seasons to get there, but he will play in the NBA.
Why do I think this?
Salim Stoudamire is in the NBA. Steve Kerr had a great career in the NBA. Friggen CRAIG HODGES played a few seasons in the league. There is absolutely a place for a guy who can shoot 50% from 3-point-range and can get a shot off in 1/4 of a second. If you didn't see the UW game last night, you missed an absolute spectacle. They were doubling him, face-guarding him, and completely changing their defense when he was on the floor...
AND HE WENT 7/11 FROM THREE POINT RANGE!!!!!!!!!
Watch him. The team sucks--but he is phenomenal.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
I don't think really attractive women like it when you repeatedly stare at them.
That just kind of hit me yesterday when a girl in my yoga class stayed in a 122 degree room about ten minutes longer than she had to so as to avoid me.
Then again...it may just be that really attractive women don't like it when you repeatedly stare at them when you have a bright red six-day beard and are sweating out of every pore on your body.
Stupid.
There are a lot of marketing-types in the Arnolds---do any of you do advertising for the sports department of a university?
If so, here is a clue:
NOBODY EFFING CARES ABOUT WOMEN'S SPORTS.
Just leave them out of the men's ads...it's like putting a guy having a heart-attack in a KFC ad.
And While You're at It...
Will someone tell Fox Sports that they're picture-in-picture replays are phenomenal. (And by "phenomenal" I mean "more nauseating than the teacups.")
A Constantly Changing List...
More than once I've said that I was going to do a service to the three people on Earth that are more behind-the-times on music than I am by giving "IPOD Essentials" here and there.
Well--I haven't done it.
HOWEVER...
When it comes to Christmas music, I tend to feel like I'm on top of things. SO--here are this year's five songs that you need on your IPOD (at least for the next week.)
(And NO--they aren't all new songs--but with only one month of play per year, it is tough to "play-out" a Christmas song...)
5. "Hark! The Herald Angel Sing" by Johnny Cash: Johnny Cash Christmas songs are priceless because he is so distinctively harsh and strung-out---and that is so contradictory to Christmas that it is absolutely beautiful.
4. "Christmas Day" by Dido: Another great thing about Christmas music--straight men are allowed to listen to artists that they'd be lynched for any other time during the year...
3. "Do They Know It's Christmas" by Band Aid: Perrennial non-mainstream classic...
2. "Christmas Canon" by The Transiberian Orchestra: Again--don't see them live, but they have some solid tracks.
1. "Prayer of the Children" by Kurt Bester: It's like a chamber choir meets Imogen Heap meets Steve Winwood. Best new track of the year.
AND...
If you're looking to keep yourself from suicide this holiday season, you may want to avoid these tracks:
5. "Jingle Bells" by the Singing Dogs: Okay--funny once. Terrible twice.
4. "Christmas with You is the Best (Let's Have a Non-Traditional, Non-Denominational Celebration)" by The Long Winters: I almost want you to download this song, just to hear how bad it is.
3. "Frosty the Snowman" by the Beach Boys
2. "The Man with all the Toys" by the Beach Boys
1. "Little Saint Nick" by the Beach Boys
So the basic story is this--the Beach Boys are the most-overrated band in the history of popular music. I absolutely hate myself for knowing a couple dozen of the songs. They are less-desirable than Riggins' roommate this season on Friday Night Lights.
Final Point:
As you can tell, the last couple days have been disjointed. There is virtually nothing going on at work, the gym is empty, and people seem to be avoiding pissing me off this week, so I've had to take a bunch of little things instead of one or two big ones...
But here is today's final point:
Ryan Appleby.
Everyone hates him. That's fine. But he's one of the top 2-3 shooters in the country, and mark my words:
He will play in the NBA.
He probably won't be drafted. He'll probably take a few seasons to get there, but he will play in the NBA.
Why do I think this?
Salim Stoudamire is in the NBA. Steve Kerr had a great career in the NBA. Friggen CRAIG HODGES played a few seasons in the league. There is absolutely a place for a guy who can shoot 50% from 3-point-range and can get a shot off in 1/4 of a second. If you didn't see the UW game last night, you missed an absolute spectacle. They were doubling him, face-guarding him, and completely changing their defense when he was on the floor...
AND HE WENT 7/11 FROM THREE POINT RANGE!!!!!!!!!
Watch him. The team sucks--but he is phenomenal.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
Monday, December 17, 2007
12.18.07
Go Figure??
So I've decided that I have terrible friends.
Just the worst.
I need to get new ones.
WHY YOU ASK???
Because my friends know that I love gangster movies.
And they know that I love the cocaine trade.
But until yesterday night, I hadn't seen Scarface.
WHO ARE THESE FRIENDS THAT ARE LETTING ME GET AWAY WITH THIS??? Not only was this one of the all-time great organized crime movies...not having seen it has been the only thing keeping me from being on Cribs!
I hate you all and will never forgive you.
Hope Restored
I took my garbage out Monday night to see my neighbor watching his five year old son riding his bike.
The kid, who is a bit of a talker, yells when he sees me, "HEY! LOOK! I can ride without training wheels! And watch, I can use the breaks! And watch, I can turn!"
His dad went on to explain to me that this was the second night that he'd ridden without training wheels.
So I watched for a minute or two, congratulated him on his accomplishment, telling him that I was 6 or 7 when I learned how to ride a two-wheeler...then I continued in walking to the garbage.
While walking I started thinking...this kid is five, and look at what he accomplished! And think about how many more of these milestones that this kid is going through. First day of school...first time reading...first date...
And I realized that my life has no further opportunities for firsts.
Accomplishments are done. From here on out nothing is new.
...
...
Then I realized I didn't know how to swim.
HOPE REVEALED!!!!!!!!
Creative Marketing...
I saw a preview on CBS last night for Frosty the Snowman that opened with, "Frosty the Snowman--everyone's favorite snowman!"
Really? As though we know any other snowmen?
Is ABC airing Grassy the Snowman that was Made when there wasn't Enough Snow to Make a Snowman??
Please Help the Writers...
Here is the state of television right now:
A) Jay Leno--someone who has never written a funny word in his life, is going to go on air without writers.
B) I've watched "The Big Bang Theory" for the past three weeks because there are no other new shows on TV. Have you seen this show yet? It's exactly like the Wonder Years, except for the lack of humor, nostalgia and generally tolerable characters.
Cheater?
I heard Dick Vitale on the radio Monday saying that he could no longer root for Andy Pettite because he was a "cheater".
Andy Pettite knowingly and admittedly took a substance that baseball had no official stance on.
Similar to Mark McGwire.
Similar to Barry Bonds.
But are they cheaters?
That's like pressing charges against someone for downloading music on Napster before it was made illegal...it just doesn't make sense.
So if you don't want to root for them, fine...but lay-off the "cheaters" comments. (Particularly if you're like Dick Vitale and can't even spell "Cheaters".)
Eureka!
I've been trying to figure out where I know "13" (the sneaky-hot new doctor on HOUSE) from...but last night, thanks to IMDB, I figured out that she used to be the SCORCHINGLY HOT lesbian ("Alex") on the OC.
Now I can sleep at night...
As Good an Excuse as Any...
Isaiah Thomas came out yesterday and said that his team (The New York/New Jersey Knickerbockers) was playing "without any heart."
So let's see here.
The team doesn't have a heart. The coach doesn't have a brain. The owner is timid.
Shame that they don't have Dana Carvey on contract...
(Yes, I've posted this link before, but it is a classic.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry for the disjointedness...send your questions/comment to mcflyblogs@gmail.com
So I've decided that I have terrible friends.
Just the worst.
I need to get new ones.
WHY YOU ASK???
Because my friends know that I love gangster movies.
And they know that I love the cocaine trade.
But until yesterday night, I hadn't seen Scarface.
WHO ARE THESE FRIENDS THAT ARE LETTING ME GET AWAY WITH THIS??? Not only was this one of the all-time great organized crime movies...not having seen it has been the only thing keeping me from being on Cribs!
I hate you all and will never forgive you.
Hope Restored
I took my garbage out Monday night to see my neighbor watching his five year old son riding his bike.
The kid, who is a bit of a talker, yells when he sees me, "HEY! LOOK! I can ride without training wheels! And watch, I can use the breaks! And watch, I can turn!"
His dad went on to explain to me that this was the second night that he'd ridden without training wheels.
So I watched for a minute or two, congratulated him on his accomplishment, telling him that I was 6 or 7 when I learned how to ride a two-wheeler...then I continued in walking to the garbage.
While walking I started thinking...this kid is five, and look at what he accomplished! And think about how many more of these milestones that this kid is going through. First day of school...first time reading...first date...
And I realized that my life has no further opportunities for firsts.
Accomplishments are done. From here on out nothing is new.
...
...
Then I realized I didn't know how to swim.
HOPE REVEALED!!!!!!!!
Creative Marketing...
I saw a preview on CBS last night for Frosty the Snowman that opened with, "Frosty the Snowman--everyone's favorite snowman!"
Really? As though we know any other snowmen?
Is ABC airing Grassy the Snowman that was Made when there wasn't Enough Snow to Make a Snowman??
Please Help the Writers...
Here is the state of television right now:
A) Jay Leno--someone who has never written a funny word in his life, is going to go on air without writers.
B) I've watched "The Big Bang Theory" for the past three weeks because there are no other new shows on TV. Have you seen this show yet? It's exactly like the Wonder Years, except for the lack of humor, nostalgia and generally tolerable characters.
Cheater?
I heard Dick Vitale on the radio Monday saying that he could no longer root for Andy Pettite because he was a "cheater".
Andy Pettite knowingly and admittedly took a substance that baseball had no official stance on.
Similar to Mark McGwire.
Similar to Barry Bonds.
But are they cheaters?
That's like pressing charges against someone for downloading music on Napster before it was made illegal...it just doesn't make sense.
So if you don't want to root for them, fine...but lay-off the "cheaters" comments. (Particularly if you're like Dick Vitale and can't even spell "Cheaters".)
Eureka!
I've been trying to figure out where I know "13" (the sneaky-hot new doctor on HOUSE) from...but last night, thanks to IMDB, I figured out that she used to be the SCORCHINGLY HOT lesbian ("Alex") on the OC.
Now I can sleep at night...
As Good an Excuse as Any...
Isaiah Thomas came out yesterday and said that his team (The New York/New Jersey Knickerbockers) was playing "without any heart."
So let's see here.
The team doesn't have a heart. The coach doesn't have a brain. The owner is timid.
Shame that they don't have Dana Carvey on contract...
(Yes, I've posted this link before, but it is a classic.)
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Sorry for the disjointedness...send your questions/comment to mcflyblogs@gmail.com
Sunday, December 16, 2007
12.17.07
Congratulations...
Two of the Arnolds got engaged this weekend. (Or--one and a half...not sure if the XY Chromosome'd of the two actually reads...)
I'll let the two of them (and myspace) get their message out, but it is rare that two people that you know independently end up together...so I'm very happy for both of them...
BUT...
Is it bad that when two people that I like get engaged that all I can think about is how badly my kids are going to kick the ass of their kids? Weird...
That's Not Fair...
Did you know that the short-buses get to high schools at like 6:45?? As if riding the short-bus isn't bad enough??
Holiday Update
I admire people who send Christmas cards. When I graduated college, I decided that it was going to be one the "way-too-much-effort" things that guys never do that I was going to make a point of doing...and five years later, there hasn't been a single picture of me in a Santa Hat...
HOWEVER...
Do we really need the Christmas letter? I have one friend who reads this occasionally who sent one--so my apologies--but it has to stop.
They're all pretty much the same---so last year I wrote one to my readers, that was pretty well received. Sunday, I started to write year two's version, but realized that like the Karate Kid--the first one is always the best.
So instead, I've reprinted last year's letters with a couple of minor changes and corrections. Merry Christmas---I hope you all enjoy...
____________________________________________________________________
Dear Family and Friends,
Has it been a year already?? Good golly…it feels like we just took down the Christmas lights from last year, and now we're scrambling through a pile of wrapping paper and fruitcakes trying to get ready for this year…HAHAHA!!!
It has been an exciting year at the Smith House. Dean and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary this summer with a wonderful trip to Bremerton! (And if any of you are looking to get away…the Motel 6 there is to DIE FOR! The pancakes at their continental breakfast are delicious—but get there early—the Shriners tend to clean them out by 8!) Dean is back working after 7 years on disability…he's managing the women's accessories department at GI Joe's (WE LOVE THE DISCOUNT!) I'm still plugging away at the reception desk at Dr. Stevens' office. (Of course it seems like there isn't a day that goes by where I don't see one of you coming in with colds and coughs and bumps on your rectum…it is so good to see my friends on a daily basis.)
I can't believe how the kids have grown.
Jeffrey is 25 now and is really making a name for himself at Target. He says that his new manager is "way cooler" (these kids! THE THINGS THAT THEY SAY!) and that he will probably be promoted to assistant manager of the electronics department in 2007 because of the extra time he's put in trying out the video games! We couldn't be more proud.
Lisa turned 21 this year to QUITE A PARTY!!! We had three booths full at Shari's as she and her friends laughed the night away. (And she'll probably be upset that I'm writing this…but the Smith's could be growing! She has a new boyfriend she met in a chat-room. His name is Paul, he's the President of General Electric and keeps trying to find a weekend where he can fly Lisa out to Arkansas and introduce her to his friends Brad Pitt and Derek Jeter. We can't WAIT to meet him!)
Devon just turned 19, and was so flattered that we had the whole family down to see him for his birthday. The phone-booths aren't quite as big at the state facilities, so he had to speak to us one at a time. And though he's really turning into a man, he still knows the way to his mother's heart…I showed up on his birthday, looked through the glass and saw a new tattoo across his neck. It was a crocodile eating Moses and there was a ribbon that said, "Love to Mom". He really likes his new cellmate, though he says that the top bunk is a little uncomfortable, so Jamal and he have been sharing the bottom-bunk. He says that he's finally found love (though I can't figure out with whom…they must have women come in to read stories or something?)
And of course little Angela turned 3 this year…and you know kids…they say the darnedest things trying to please their parents! She is an absolute crack-up and is really taking after her father. Just last night when I came home late from work, she stood up on her daddy's chair and yelled, "YOU GOT OFF OF WORK THREE HOURS AGO, YOU CHEATING WHORE!" I don't know where she gets it…she absolutely splits my sides.
Oh…and I've included our new address on the envelope. We were pretty disappointed to lose the house—but we're moving on. (If you're thinking of buying a home, don't use Wells Fargo—we told them to wait until the 5th to cash our check but they didn't. This happened a few times—and as someone who works in customer service, I've really been frustrated with their process. It is a terrible bank…that's why we've moved all of our money to Check-into-Cash. Cindy down there is such a SWEETHEART!) We look forward to your cards and letters!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Dean, Lori, Jeffrey, Lisa, Devon, Angela, Scraps, Snuggles, Snowball, Soymilk, and Sparky
Want to send me your Christmas letter??
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
Two of the Arnolds got engaged this weekend. (Or--one and a half...not sure if the XY Chromosome'd of the two actually reads...)
I'll let the two of them (and myspace) get their message out, but it is rare that two people that you know independently end up together...so I'm very happy for both of them...
BUT...
Is it bad that when two people that I like get engaged that all I can think about is how badly my kids are going to kick the ass of their kids? Weird...
That's Not Fair...
Did you know that the short-buses get to high schools at like 6:45?? As if riding the short-bus isn't bad enough??
Holiday Update
I admire people who send Christmas cards. When I graduated college, I decided that it was going to be one the "way-too-much-effort" things that guys never do that I was going to make a point of doing...and five years later, there hasn't been a single picture of me in a Santa Hat...
HOWEVER...
Do we really need the Christmas letter? I have one friend who reads this occasionally who sent one--so my apologies--but it has to stop.
They're all pretty much the same---so last year I wrote one to my readers, that was pretty well received. Sunday, I started to write year two's version, but realized that like the Karate Kid--the first one is always the best.
So instead, I've reprinted last year's letters with a couple of minor changes and corrections. Merry Christmas---I hope you all enjoy...
____________________________________________________________________
Dear Family and Friends,
Has it been a year already?? Good golly…it feels like we just took down the Christmas lights from last year, and now we're scrambling through a pile of wrapping paper and fruitcakes trying to get ready for this year…HAHAHA!!!
It has been an exciting year at the Smith House. Dean and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary this summer with a wonderful trip to Bremerton! (And if any of you are looking to get away…the Motel 6 there is to DIE FOR! The pancakes at their continental breakfast are delicious—but get there early—the Shriners tend to clean them out by 8!) Dean is back working after 7 years on disability…he's managing the women's accessories department at GI Joe's (WE LOVE THE DISCOUNT!) I'm still plugging away at the reception desk at Dr. Stevens' office. (Of course it seems like there isn't a day that goes by where I don't see one of you coming in with colds and coughs and bumps on your rectum…it is so good to see my friends on a daily basis.)
I can't believe how the kids have grown.
Jeffrey is 25 now and is really making a name for himself at Target. He says that his new manager is "way cooler" (these kids! THE THINGS THAT THEY SAY!) and that he will probably be promoted to assistant manager of the electronics department in 2007 because of the extra time he's put in trying out the video games! We couldn't be more proud.
Lisa turned 21 this year to QUITE A PARTY!!! We had three booths full at Shari's as she and her friends laughed the night away. (And she'll probably be upset that I'm writing this…but the Smith's could be growing! She has a new boyfriend she met in a chat-room. His name is Paul, he's the President of General Electric and keeps trying to find a weekend where he can fly Lisa out to Arkansas and introduce her to his friends Brad Pitt and Derek Jeter. We can't WAIT to meet him!)
Devon just turned 19, and was so flattered that we had the whole family down to see him for his birthday. The phone-booths aren't quite as big at the state facilities, so he had to speak to us one at a time. And though he's really turning into a man, he still knows the way to his mother's heart…I showed up on his birthday, looked through the glass and saw a new tattoo across his neck. It was a crocodile eating Moses and there was a ribbon that said, "Love to Mom". He really likes his new cellmate, though he says that the top bunk is a little uncomfortable, so Jamal and he have been sharing the bottom-bunk. He says that he's finally found love (though I can't figure out with whom…they must have women come in to read stories or something?)
And of course little Angela turned 3 this year…and you know kids…they say the darnedest things trying to please their parents! She is an absolute crack-up and is really taking after her father. Just last night when I came home late from work, she stood up on her daddy's chair and yelled, "YOU GOT OFF OF WORK THREE HOURS AGO, YOU CHEATING WHORE!" I don't know where she gets it…she absolutely splits my sides.
Oh…and I've included our new address on the envelope. We were pretty disappointed to lose the house—but we're moving on. (If you're thinking of buying a home, don't use Wells Fargo—we told them to wait until the 5th to cash our check but they didn't. This happened a few times—and as someone who works in customer service, I've really been frustrated with their process. It is a terrible bank…that's why we've moved all of our money to Check-into-Cash. Cindy down there is such a SWEETHEART!) We look forward to your cards and letters!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Dean, Lori, Jeffrey, Lisa, Devon, Angela, Scraps, Snuggles, Snowball, Soymilk, and Sparky
Want to send me your Christmas letter??
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
Thursday, December 13, 2007
12.14.07
Quick Prediction
After the Patriots slice the Jets in half on Sunday, Bill Belichick and Eric Mangini will have a longing stare at the middle of the field, as Belichick screams, "WE WERE BROTHERS! AND YOU BETRAYED ME! I LOVED YOU ANNIKAN!!!!!"
The Greatest of All-Time
In my warped mind...
The term "man-crush" is thrown around all of the time now when men portray the fan-player relationship in a manner that makes people think that it might go a touch beyond the playing-field.
But unless suspected homosexuals like Mike Greenberg and Curtis Patching are doing it, I really don't think it is man-crushing most of the time. In truth, there is a relationship between a fan and a player that really doesn't have a parallel in any other place in the world. (And if you don't believe that, you clearly haven't read Roger Maris and Me.) (Sorry--an odd link, but the more reader-friendly version is no longer on the web...)
Like every sports fan, I have had my share of favorite players. Different sports, different levels and for different reasons--but I have my favorites, and I've finally decided to put it together into a list of my favorite 50.
A couple of things to note before we begin:
-The list is not based on talent, presence or the amount of time that I was a fan of theirs...it is a completely arbitrary list that seemed to make sense to me when I did it. (And I probably forgot a player or two--hell--I forgot Tombstone when I did my top 100 movies...)
-You'll notice an inordinate number of Seattle athletes (17 of the top 50) but hey--I grew up there and when you're a kid, the fandom rings deep.
-The list is actually of "Sports Figures" not necessarily of athletes...there are four coaches on the list---none higher than #41.
-I realize that some of these players played for teams other than the one listed---I'm including the team that I remember them most-fondly with.
-It is a list built by me--therefore there are some ridiculous selections...I don't think any of them are in the top 20 though...
So let's proceed...
McFly's Fifty Favorite Sports Figures of All-Time
(All-time meaning "since 1980")
Honorable Mention (in alphabetical order by first name for some reason):
Barry Bonds, Christian Okoye, Dave Henderson, Dave Stewart, Derrick McKey, Don James, Ed McCaffrey, Herman Moore, Ickey Woods, Ink Aleaga, John Rocker, Kevin Garnett, Lenny Dykstra, Lou Whitaker, Matt Scarlett, Nate Robinson, Norm Charlton, Richard Thomas, Ricky Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Shaumbe Wright-Fair, Terrell Davis, Vlade Divac.
50. Brad Daugherty, Cleveland Cavaliers: The late-80s Cavs with him, Ehlo and Price, were like the modern Cincinnati Bengals without the crime. Just a ton of talent and virtually no success...however...I think it is fair to say that Brad Daugherty will go down in history as the only 7', black, senior in college who is picked first in the NBA Draft that (he may be the last of those--but also) becomes the head NASCAR analyst for ESPN. That's far less-likely than Ricky Rudd covering a Clippers-Warriors game...
49. Lorenzo Romar, Washington Basketball: How could I not love the guy who brought Husky Basketball to prominence. Right on the tails of Billy Donavon as the best recruiter in the country---follow-through hasn't been fantastic as of late, but unlike his football cohort, I have no doubt that it will be again soon.
48. Brian Bosworth, Seattle Seahawks: Okay--I was nine, living in Seattle and had a flat-top. You're telling me I'm not going to be enamored with this roid junkee??
47. Rick Neuheisel, Washington Football: I just don't blame him the way that everyone else does for the collapse of Washington Football. Barbara Hedges was the reason that Washington went on probation in the mid-90s, and the reason that the program lost institutional control in the early 2000s...not Neuheisal. I think in another environment, he could have been...
46. Pete Carroll, USC Football: Lately I've been hearing of a lot of people who hate Carroll. How?? Answer me this: You're a college player about to play the most important game of your life--who would you rather have pepping you up before a game?
45. Chris Webber, Michigan Basketball: The whole Fab Five really belongs here (Jalen Rose, Jimmy King, Juwan Howard and Ray Jackson) but what Webber did in two years at Michigan was mind-blowing. Two final games of the NCAA tournament, and absolutely staggering dominance. Sure--he was making $100k a year--but he was phenomenal.
44. Greg Maddux, Atlanta Braves: After yesterday's Mitchell Report, is he now considered the best pitcher of his time? I've personally thought it all along. In the mid-90s, Damon Berryhill (catcher for the Braves) did an interview with ESPN where he said that Maddux missed on one pitch a game. ONE.
43. Ryan Leaf, SuperCharger: No, I don't like Ryan Leaf. But have I ever mentioned how my father and I quarrel about all-things-sports? We could be looking at a picture with a guy with a helmet, a Yankees uniform and a bat in his hands, and one of us would argue that he is a football player---we just absolutely don't agree about sports. Well--our biggest argument ever came in the spring of 1998 when the football world on the whole was arguing who should be the first pick in the NFL Draft, Peyton Manning or Leaf. My dad was so adamant that Leaf would become a better quarterback than Manning that I'm pretty sure he bet my college education on it. Regardless...I'm pretty sure I won that one...
42. Ray Knight, New York Mets: How could I love the guy who scored to win game six of the 1986 World Series? He was (is) married to Nancy Lopez and more than once came into our house to use the telephone, as Nancy's caddie had become a friend of ours. If ANY professional athlete, particularly one of note, comes into your house when you're a kid, you pretty much start liking them.
Of course I'm pretty sure Steve Pelleur came into our house when I was a kid and for some reason that never caught on...
41. Lou Piniella, Seattle Mariners: Not only did he lead the Mariners during a phenomenal run that happened to coincide with my testicles dropping, he also once got in a fight with his own player (who happened to be Rob Dibble) while he was coaching for the Reds.
40. Joe Montana, San Francisco 49ers: Complete bandwagon move here. But who cares--I'll fight anyone to the death if they say John Elway is better than him...
39. Hakeem Olajuwon, Houston Rockets: Do you remember Hakeem? (Or Akeem for that matter?) He might be the second-best player of my lifetime (to Michael Jordan) and yet there are probably twenty players that get more hype than him. Completely ridiculous. He won the 1994 and 1995 NBA Championships BY HIMSELF.
38. Kyle Maloy, UPS Football: Some people will argue that Lawrence Taylor would have had better numbers than Kyle had he played in the NWC---but to my knowledge Lawrence Taylor never fought Mitch (F-ing) Williams...
37. Bret Boone, Seattle Mariners: My only commentary on the Mitchell Report: HOW IN THE NAME OF HOLY GOD DID BRET BOONE MANAGE TO AVOID THE LIST???
36. Lance Armstrong, Cycling: How could I leave off the person that has brought me more victories in arguments over the past five years than any other person? He is absolutely my least-favorite sports figure of all-time, and for good reason: He's a cheating, heartless, family-bastardizing, Dr. Pepper drinking sissy.
35. Billy Joe Hobart, Washington Football: I don't have time for research tonight---but I'm about 99% certain that he's the only quarterback in NCAA history with an undefeated record and a National Championship under his belt.
34. Billy Ripken, Baltimore Orioles: Want to make this list next time I publish it? Get a baseball card published with "F*CK FACE" on the end of your bat. (Except without editing.)
33. Laphonso Ellis, Denver Nuggets: NBA Live 95 forever changed the way that video games were played. It was the fastest, smoothest-running game that had ever been created for the Sega Genesis. I could beat anyone at this game at any time, and not because I was inherently more skilled at video games than anyone else--but instead because I had the knowledge that Laphonso Ellis was BY FAR the best player on that game. He was as fast as anyone, could shoot outside, and had a two-hand dunk inside of ten feet that couldn't be stopped---and not only that---he could play a full game. Once my friend Tobin and I played to see who would get shotgun for our ride home from a vacation. We had a full draft, assembling two teams of 12...but he got the first pick and took Laphonso because I'd dominated him with him so many times. Despite that, I was up by 30 points in the first quarter (off of ten or so threes by Reggie Miller and Rodney Rogers). Tobin somehow convinced me to switch teams and see if I could come back.
I was ahead by the end of the third quarter.
(I commend anyone who read that whole thing.)
32. Dennis Rodman, Chicago Bulls: When he wasn't shrooming, he was the best defensive player of my lifetime. He always claimed that if he got 40 rebounds in a game, he would leave the court naked and retire. I'm shocked he never pulled it off.
31. John Rocker, Atlanta Braves: Not only was he my pledge name, he also secured his place in Baseball Asshole Hell when the Mitchell Report came out yesterday...
30. Jim McMahon, Chicago Bears: When I was living in Denver, a friend of mine invited me to join him for a Kenny Rogers concert, and the party for the dedication to John Elway's Hall of Fame induction that preceded it. Walking around were Johnny Bench, Terrell Davis, Chris Berman, Elway and many others...my friend was absolutely STAR-STRUCK. I was relatively calm. Then Jim McMahon walked by. I lost it. I grabbed my buddy's camera, jammed it into his chest and said, "GET A PICTURE OF US!" So I walk over to McMahon, and trembling, say, "Mr. McMahon--I hate to interrupt, but you were my favorite player when I was a kid--could I trouble you to pose for a picture with me?" As he reached out his hand to shake mine, I spilled an iced tea all over his shirt.
Yeah.
Really.
Needless to say, I didn't get a picture.
29. Charles Barkley, Phoenix Suns: He's not only the most-likable color-man in the history of sports, he was also the best undersized forward in NBA history.
28. John Kruk, Philadelphia Phillies: Proof that out-of-shape white guys can be demigods.
27. Mark Duper, Miami Dolphins: During Monday Night Football, there were two traditions in the McFly Residence. One, "You Make the Call" was a forum for debate...and Two, my dad would play quarterback and my brother and I would take turns being Mark "Super" Duper while the other one covered them. My parents recently put hardwood in the family room, and my dad's first comment to my brother and I was, "Super Duper is going to hurt a lot more than it used to..."
26. Napoleon Kaufman, Washington Football: Best college running back I'd ever seen until #17. He ran a 4.19 40-yard-dash and could bench-press well over 500 lbs. Rumor has it, that his freshman year, when Washington won the National Championship in a tie with Miami, he tried to start a fight with the entire Miami team...WHILE IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
25-22. Enter the "I like these guys despite everyone else hating them because they're absolutely the best at what they do and despite being over-played, don't get enough credit..."
Peyton Manning
Derek Jeter
Randy Moss
Kobe Bryant
21. Randy Johnson, Seattle Mariners: I still tear-up when I see film of him coming out of the bullpen to win game 5 of the 1995 ALCS. The most dominant season by a pitcher in my lifetime...an absolute STUD.
20. Mark Brunell, Washington Football: Somehow he's one of only two UW quarterbacks who made the list--but he's the best leader I've ever seen at UW. People are setting ridiculous standards for Jake Locker right now...if he had a college (and pro) career as good as Mark Brunell, it would be fantastic.
19. Bill Buckner, Boston Red Sox: Pretty well coincides with #9, but when I was young, I used to copy my older brother--like every other younger brother in the world. Difference being that I wouldn't DIRECTLY copy him. With the Red Sox, he liked Jim Rice--so I liked Buckner. Check out his stats--it is an absolute sham that he isn't in the Hall of Fame. You're telling me that one slip-up by a player who had practically carried his team to the World Series that year is enough to keep him out of the Hall of Fame? Ridiculous.
18. Ron Gant, Atlanta Braves: I think everyone picked a player off of the 1991 Braves team...Gant was mine. A five-tool guy who turned into the 90s biggest disappearing act (save Britney's virginity...)
17. Reggie Bush, USC: The best college football player I've ever seen. (The Fresno State game his Junior year alone sealed that forever.) And now he is a substandard NFL running back...go figure?
16. Mario Bailey, Washington Football: Remember Desmond Howard? He is certainly the most-memorable Heisman winner of my lifetime...but an interesting fact: There was another wide receiver that year who had better statistics in every receiving statistic--and when their two teams played in the Rose Bowl, that player was so dominant that they tried to put Howard on him to cover him---and when he caught a touchdown pass over Howard's head, he did the Heisman pose in his face.
15. Brandon Roy, Washington Basketball: I think I've reached the point where I've run out of adjectives about my favorite players and have nothing for my absolute favorites. Oh well...I like Brandon Roy.
14. Shaquille O'Neal, Orlando Magic: Remember how cool Shaq was when he came into the league? He rapped, he danced, he made jokes---it was like he had this sublime confidence that he was going to be one of the ten or fifteen best players of all-time. But for some reason, he didn't make the Dream Team in 1992 because of...
13. Christian Laettner, Duke Basketball: The best college basketball player ever. Argue all you like...you won't win.
12. John Daly, Golf: How do you not love John Daly? He's like the Kruk-effect to the thousandth degree. He's been divorced a thousand times...he's a reformed drunk who has beers in public...and above all, he's won more Major Championships than Fred Couples, Jim Furyk, David Duval, Corey Pavin, Davis Love III, Ian Woosnam, Tom Kite, Mark Calcavecchia, Tom Lehman and many more. An unworldly talent.
11. Reggie Lewis, Boston Celtics: When he died, he was pretty even with Scottie Pippen as the best small forward in the game. I absolutely loved the guy and was just sobbingly crushed when he died. At thirteen or fourteen, I was probably too old to be weeping about someone I'd never met---but again--you have a hero and you have an attachment...
10. Steve Emtman, Washington Football: The best defensive college player I've ever seen. Remember when the Colts had the top two picks and took Emtman and Quentin Coryatt?? Hard to believe that a franchise could recover from that. (Of course, Tom will insist that it was Cornelius Bennett and not Coryatt--but he also insists that Chester A. Arthur wasn't a president.)
9. Lou Whitaker, Detroit Tigers: Again--copied my brother a bit on this, as he was an Alan Trammell fan. Have to give credit to a guy who forgot his jersey for the All-Star game and mark-a-lotted in a number one on the jersey he bought from the in-stadium vendor...
8. Jon Brockman, Washington Basketball: My brother and I have started to send text messages about Brockman, ala Bill Braskey. Most of them are completely idiotic--but the one good one I've come up with is, "BROCKMAN once resuscitated an entire litter of puppies back to life. For his accomplishment, his father bestowed upon him the 'Brockman Medal of Honor' which is actually just a mountain lion's heart covered in thumbtacks."
7. Bo Jackson, Los Angeles Raiders/Kansas City Royals: The best athlete I've ever seen...and his autobiography, "Bo Knows Bo" (with Dick Schaap) was the first time I ever saw the F-word in print---which was really a life-changing moment...
6. Reggie Williams, Washington Football: My friend Jesse once asked me as I was screaming at the TV while Williams was scoring a touchdown whether I would go gay for Reggie Williams. Three poor years in the NFL later, I probably wouldn't...but at the time...
5. Edgar Martinez, Seattle Mariners: A DH in the top five? Dude--the guy not only hit .571 in the 1995 ALDS, he can also make lamps out of baseball bats.
4. Fred Couples, Golf: In the fall of 1991 into the spring of 1992, he won virtually every tournament he entered, save Corey Pavin landing a ball in the hole at the Honda Classic, but most notably the Masters. He was the number one player in the world and here's the kicker--at the time, he knew me by name.
Now--in in 2005 I ran into him at Caesar's and he has apparently forgotten my name...which may have cost him the top 3...
3. Michael Jordan, Chicago Bulls: How could you be a kid in our era and not love Jordan? I mean--I guess I was 17 when he won his last title, which seems too old to be awe-struck...but he absolutely willed the Bulls to victories. The greatest competitor I've ever seen--how would you like to end up in a game of darts or pool with MJ?
2. Tiger Woods, Golf: People get ticked-off that I root for him because he is so dominant...but here is my question: HOW DO YOU NOT ROOT FOR HIM???
And to no surprise...
1. Ken Griffey Jr., Seattle Mariners: Were it not for a spat with his father that brought him to Cincinnati and a rash of injuries when he got there...the steroid era wouldn't have been nearly as painful because the best player of the generation wouldn't be under suspicion.
And you have to love the personality of a guy who is 37 but is still referred to as "The Kid."
Comments: mcflyblogs@gmail.com
After the Patriots slice the Jets in half on Sunday, Bill Belichick and Eric Mangini will have a longing stare at the middle of the field, as Belichick screams, "WE WERE BROTHERS! AND YOU BETRAYED ME! I LOVED YOU ANNIKAN!!!!!"
The Greatest of All-Time
In my warped mind...
The term "man-crush" is thrown around all of the time now when men portray the fan-player relationship in a manner that makes people think that it might go a touch beyond the playing-field.
But unless suspected homosexuals like Mike Greenberg and Curtis Patching are doing it, I really don't think it is man-crushing most of the time. In truth, there is a relationship between a fan and a player that really doesn't have a parallel in any other place in the world. (And if you don't believe that, you clearly haven't read Roger Maris and Me.) (Sorry--an odd link, but the more reader-friendly version is no longer on the web...)
Like every sports fan, I have had my share of favorite players. Different sports, different levels and for different reasons--but I have my favorites, and I've finally decided to put it together into a list of my favorite 50.
A couple of things to note before we begin:
-The list is not based on talent, presence or the amount of time that I was a fan of theirs...it is a completely arbitrary list that seemed to make sense to me when I did it. (And I probably forgot a player or two--hell--I forgot Tombstone when I did my top 100 movies...)
-You'll notice an inordinate number of Seattle athletes (17 of the top 50) but hey--I grew up there and when you're a kid, the fandom rings deep.
-The list is actually of "Sports Figures" not necessarily of athletes...there are four coaches on the list---none higher than #41.
-I realize that some of these players played for teams other than the one listed---I'm including the team that I remember them most-fondly with.
-It is a list built by me--therefore there are some ridiculous selections...I don't think any of them are in the top 20 though...
So let's proceed...
McFly's Fifty Favorite Sports Figures of All-Time
(All-time meaning "since 1980")
Honorable Mention (in alphabetical order by first name for some reason):
Barry Bonds, Christian Okoye, Dave Henderson, Dave Stewart, Derrick McKey, Don James, Ed McCaffrey, Herman Moore, Ickey Woods, Ink Aleaga, John Rocker, Kevin Garnett, Lenny Dykstra, Lou Whitaker, Matt Scarlett, Nate Robinson, Norm Charlton, Richard Thomas, Ricky Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Shaumbe Wright-Fair, Terrell Davis, Vlade Divac.
50. Brad Daugherty, Cleveland Cavaliers: The late-80s Cavs with him, Ehlo and Price, were like the modern Cincinnati Bengals without the crime. Just a ton of talent and virtually no success...however...I think it is fair to say that Brad Daugherty will go down in history as the only 7', black, senior in college who is picked first in the NBA Draft that (he may be the last of those--but also) becomes the head NASCAR analyst for ESPN. That's far less-likely than Ricky Rudd covering a Clippers-Warriors game...
49. Lorenzo Romar, Washington Basketball: How could I not love the guy who brought Husky Basketball to prominence. Right on the tails of Billy Donavon as the best recruiter in the country---follow-through hasn't been fantastic as of late, but unlike his football cohort, I have no doubt that it will be again soon.
48. Brian Bosworth, Seattle Seahawks: Okay--I was nine, living in Seattle and had a flat-top. You're telling me I'm not going to be enamored with this roid junkee??
47. Rick Neuheisel, Washington Football: I just don't blame him the way that everyone else does for the collapse of Washington Football. Barbara Hedges was the reason that Washington went on probation in the mid-90s, and the reason that the program lost institutional control in the early 2000s...not Neuheisal. I think in another environment, he could have been...
46. Pete Carroll, USC Football: Lately I've been hearing of a lot of people who hate Carroll. How?? Answer me this: You're a college player about to play the most important game of your life--who would you rather have pepping you up before a game?
45. Chris Webber, Michigan Basketball: The whole Fab Five really belongs here (Jalen Rose, Jimmy King, Juwan Howard and Ray Jackson) but what Webber did in two years at Michigan was mind-blowing. Two final games of the NCAA tournament, and absolutely staggering dominance. Sure--he was making $100k a year--but he was phenomenal.
44. Greg Maddux, Atlanta Braves: After yesterday's Mitchell Report, is he now considered the best pitcher of his time? I've personally thought it all along. In the mid-90s, Damon Berryhill (catcher for the Braves) did an interview with ESPN where he said that Maddux missed on one pitch a game. ONE.
43. Ryan Leaf, SuperCharger: No, I don't like Ryan Leaf. But have I ever mentioned how my father and I quarrel about all-things-sports? We could be looking at a picture with a guy with a helmet, a Yankees uniform and a bat in his hands, and one of us would argue that he is a football player---we just absolutely don't agree about sports. Well--our biggest argument ever came in the spring of 1998 when the football world on the whole was arguing who should be the first pick in the NFL Draft, Peyton Manning or Leaf. My dad was so adamant that Leaf would become a better quarterback than Manning that I'm pretty sure he bet my college education on it. Regardless...I'm pretty sure I won that one...
42. Ray Knight, New York Mets: How could I love the guy who scored to win game six of the 1986 World Series? He was (is) married to Nancy Lopez and more than once came into our house to use the telephone, as Nancy's caddie had become a friend of ours. If ANY professional athlete, particularly one of note, comes into your house when you're a kid, you pretty much start liking them.
Of course I'm pretty sure Steve Pelleur came into our house when I was a kid and for some reason that never caught on...
41. Lou Piniella, Seattle Mariners: Not only did he lead the Mariners during a phenomenal run that happened to coincide with my testicles dropping, he also once got in a fight with his own player (who happened to be Rob Dibble) while he was coaching for the Reds.
40. Joe Montana, San Francisco 49ers: Complete bandwagon move here. But who cares--I'll fight anyone to the death if they say John Elway is better than him...
39. Hakeem Olajuwon, Houston Rockets: Do you remember Hakeem? (Or Akeem for that matter?) He might be the second-best player of my lifetime (to Michael Jordan) and yet there are probably twenty players that get more hype than him. Completely ridiculous. He won the 1994 and 1995 NBA Championships BY HIMSELF.
38. Kyle Maloy, UPS Football: Some people will argue that Lawrence Taylor would have had better numbers than Kyle had he played in the NWC---but to my knowledge Lawrence Taylor never fought Mitch (F-ing) Williams...
37. Bret Boone, Seattle Mariners: My only commentary on the Mitchell Report: HOW IN THE NAME OF HOLY GOD DID BRET BOONE MANAGE TO AVOID THE LIST???
36. Lance Armstrong, Cycling: How could I leave off the person that has brought me more victories in arguments over the past five years than any other person? He is absolutely my least-favorite sports figure of all-time, and for good reason: He's a cheating, heartless, family-bastardizing, Dr. Pepper drinking sissy.
35. Billy Joe Hobart, Washington Football: I don't have time for research tonight---but I'm about 99% certain that he's the only quarterback in NCAA history with an undefeated record and a National Championship under his belt.
34. Billy Ripken, Baltimore Orioles: Want to make this list next time I publish it? Get a baseball card published with "F*CK FACE" on the end of your bat. (Except without editing.)
33. Laphonso Ellis, Denver Nuggets: NBA Live 95 forever changed the way that video games were played. It was the fastest, smoothest-running game that had ever been created for the Sega Genesis. I could beat anyone at this game at any time, and not because I was inherently more skilled at video games than anyone else--but instead because I had the knowledge that Laphonso Ellis was BY FAR the best player on that game. He was as fast as anyone, could shoot outside, and had a two-hand dunk inside of ten feet that couldn't be stopped---and not only that---he could play a full game. Once my friend Tobin and I played to see who would get shotgun for our ride home from a vacation. We had a full draft, assembling two teams of 12...but he got the first pick and took Laphonso because I'd dominated him with him so many times. Despite that, I was up by 30 points in the first quarter (off of ten or so threes by Reggie Miller and Rodney Rogers). Tobin somehow convinced me to switch teams and see if I could come back.
I was ahead by the end of the third quarter.
(I commend anyone who read that whole thing.)
32. Dennis Rodman, Chicago Bulls: When he wasn't shrooming, he was the best defensive player of my lifetime. He always claimed that if he got 40 rebounds in a game, he would leave the court naked and retire. I'm shocked he never pulled it off.
31. John Rocker, Atlanta Braves: Not only was he my pledge name, he also secured his place in Baseball Asshole Hell when the Mitchell Report came out yesterday...
30. Jim McMahon, Chicago Bears: When I was living in Denver, a friend of mine invited me to join him for a Kenny Rogers concert, and the party for the dedication to John Elway's Hall of Fame induction that preceded it. Walking around were Johnny Bench, Terrell Davis, Chris Berman, Elway and many others...my friend was absolutely STAR-STRUCK. I was relatively calm. Then Jim McMahon walked by. I lost it. I grabbed my buddy's camera, jammed it into his chest and said, "GET A PICTURE OF US!" So I walk over to McMahon, and trembling, say, "Mr. McMahon--I hate to interrupt, but you were my favorite player when I was a kid--could I trouble you to pose for a picture with me?" As he reached out his hand to shake mine, I spilled an iced tea all over his shirt.
Yeah.
Really.
Needless to say, I didn't get a picture.
29. Charles Barkley, Phoenix Suns: He's not only the most-likable color-man in the history of sports, he was also the best undersized forward in NBA history.
28. John Kruk, Philadelphia Phillies: Proof that out-of-shape white guys can be demigods.
27. Mark Duper, Miami Dolphins: During Monday Night Football, there were two traditions in the McFly Residence. One, "You Make the Call" was a forum for debate...and Two, my dad would play quarterback and my brother and I would take turns being Mark "Super" Duper while the other one covered them. My parents recently put hardwood in the family room, and my dad's first comment to my brother and I was, "Super Duper is going to hurt a lot more than it used to..."
26. Napoleon Kaufman, Washington Football: Best college running back I'd ever seen until #17. He ran a 4.19 40-yard-dash and could bench-press well over 500 lbs. Rumor has it, that his freshman year, when Washington won the National Championship in a tie with Miami, he tried to start a fight with the entire Miami team...WHILE IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
25-22. Enter the "I like these guys despite everyone else hating them because they're absolutely the best at what they do and despite being over-played, don't get enough credit..."
Peyton Manning
Derek Jeter
Randy Moss
Kobe Bryant
21. Randy Johnson, Seattle Mariners: I still tear-up when I see film of him coming out of the bullpen to win game 5 of the 1995 ALCS. The most dominant season by a pitcher in my lifetime...an absolute STUD.
20. Mark Brunell, Washington Football: Somehow he's one of only two UW quarterbacks who made the list--but he's the best leader I've ever seen at UW. People are setting ridiculous standards for Jake Locker right now...if he had a college (and pro) career as good as Mark Brunell, it would be fantastic.
19. Bill Buckner, Boston Red Sox: Pretty well coincides with #9, but when I was young, I used to copy my older brother--like every other younger brother in the world. Difference being that I wouldn't DIRECTLY copy him. With the Red Sox, he liked Jim Rice--so I liked Buckner. Check out his stats--it is an absolute sham that he isn't in the Hall of Fame. You're telling me that one slip-up by a player who had practically carried his team to the World Series that year is enough to keep him out of the Hall of Fame? Ridiculous.
18. Ron Gant, Atlanta Braves: I think everyone picked a player off of the 1991 Braves team...Gant was mine. A five-tool guy who turned into the 90s biggest disappearing act (save Britney's virginity...)
17. Reggie Bush, USC: The best college football player I've ever seen. (The Fresno State game his Junior year alone sealed that forever.) And now he is a substandard NFL running back...go figure?
16. Mario Bailey, Washington Football: Remember Desmond Howard? He is certainly the most-memorable Heisman winner of my lifetime...but an interesting fact: There was another wide receiver that year who had better statistics in every receiving statistic--and when their two teams played in the Rose Bowl, that player was so dominant that they tried to put Howard on him to cover him---and when he caught a touchdown pass over Howard's head, he did the Heisman pose in his face.
15. Brandon Roy, Washington Basketball: I think I've reached the point where I've run out of adjectives about my favorite players and have nothing for my absolute favorites. Oh well...I like Brandon Roy.
14. Shaquille O'Neal, Orlando Magic: Remember how cool Shaq was when he came into the league? He rapped, he danced, he made jokes---it was like he had this sublime confidence that he was going to be one of the ten or fifteen best players of all-time. But for some reason, he didn't make the Dream Team in 1992 because of...
13. Christian Laettner, Duke Basketball: The best college basketball player ever. Argue all you like...you won't win.
12. John Daly, Golf: How do you not love John Daly? He's like the Kruk-effect to the thousandth degree. He's been divorced a thousand times...he's a reformed drunk who has beers in public...and above all, he's won more Major Championships than Fred Couples, Jim Furyk, David Duval, Corey Pavin, Davis Love III, Ian Woosnam, Tom Kite, Mark Calcavecchia, Tom Lehman and many more. An unworldly talent.
11. Reggie Lewis, Boston Celtics: When he died, he was pretty even with Scottie Pippen as the best small forward in the game. I absolutely loved the guy and was just sobbingly crushed when he died. At thirteen or fourteen, I was probably too old to be weeping about someone I'd never met---but again--you have a hero and you have an attachment...
10. Steve Emtman, Washington Football: The best defensive college player I've ever seen. Remember when the Colts had the top two picks and took Emtman and Quentin Coryatt?? Hard to believe that a franchise could recover from that. (Of course, Tom will insist that it was Cornelius Bennett and not Coryatt--but he also insists that Chester A. Arthur wasn't a president.)
9. Lou Whitaker, Detroit Tigers: Again--copied my brother a bit on this, as he was an Alan Trammell fan. Have to give credit to a guy who forgot his jersey for the All-Star game and mark-a-lotted in a number one on the jersey he bought from the in-stadium vendor...
8. Jon Brockman, Washington Basketball: My brother and I have started to send text messages about Brockman, ala Bill Braskey. Most of them are completely idiotic--but the one good one I've come up with is, "BROCKMAN once resuscitated an entire litter of puppies back to life. For his accomplishment, his father bestowed upon him the 'Brockman Medal of Honor' which is actually just a mountain lion's heart covered in thumbtacks."
7. Bo Jackson, Los Angeles Raiders/Kansas City Royals: The best athlete I've ever seen...and his autobiography, "Bo Knows Bo" (with Dick Schaap) was the first time I ever saw the F-word in print---which was really a life-changing moment...
6. Reggie Williams, Washington Football: My friend Jesse once asked me as I was screaming at the TV while Williams was scoring a touchdown whether I would go gay for Reggie Williams. Three poor years in the NFL later, I probably wouldn't...but at the time...
5. Edgar Martinez, Seattle Mariners: A DH in the top five? Dude--the guy not only hit .571 in the 1995 ALDS, he can also make lamps out of baseball bats.
4. Fred Couples, Golf: In the fall of 1991 into the spring of 1992, he won virtually every tournament he entered, save Corey Pavin landing a ball in the hole at the Honda Classic, but most notably the Masters. He was the number one player in the world and here's the kicker--at the time, he knew me by name.
Now--in in 2005 I ran into him at Caesar's and he has apparently forgotten my name...which may have cost him the top 3...
3. Michael Jordan, Chicago Bulls: How could you be a kid in our era and not love Jordan? I mean--I guess I was 17 when he won his last title, which seems too old to be awe-struck...but he absolutely willed the Bulls to victories. The greatest competitor I've ever seen--how would you like to end up in a game of darts or pool with MJ?
2. Tiger Woods, Golf: People get ticked-off that I root for him because he is so dominant...but here is my question: HOW DO YOU NOT ROOT FOR HIM???
And to no surprise...
1. Ken Griffey Jr., Seattle Mariners: Were it not for a spat with his father that brought him to Cincinnati and a rash of injuries when he got there...the steroid era wouldn't have been nearly as painful because the best player of the generation wouldn't be under suspicion.
And you have to love the personality of a guy who is 37 but is still referred to as "The Kid."
Comments: mcflyblogs@gmail.com
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
12.13.07
Sometimes Words Don't Tell the Story...
But sometimes they do... (Note: this is not for people who don't like cursing.)
From the Arnolds...
McFly,
I'm decorating my house for Christmas for the first time and my wife is demanding lights...any suggestions?
Clark W. Griswald Jr.
Chicago, IL
Lights are a lost art. In the era of moving reindeer and inflatable snowmen, people have forgotten what it means to actually adorn your home with Edison's glowing invention...
Really easy though:
Step One:
Don't "hang" lights. Attach them. A staple gun and some sort of straight-edge are necessary to have a classy-looking layout. Loosely strewn lights hanging in different directions are like mowing your lawn without parallel-lines.
Step Two:
White lights. Do I need to repeat that?
WHITE. LIGHTS.
The multi-colored blinkers died out with disco, and the new trend to go monochromatic in green or red is ridiculous. All green and it looks like St. Patrick's Day...all red and you look like you're living at the Lucifer Residence.
(Sidebar--don't you love the Jewish families with senses of humor who go blue and white for December? Always kills me...)
So keep it simple--you'll do fine.
McFly,
Is it okay that I think I'm cooler than everyone else because I live in Washington but have a California Driver's License?
Sydney
La Center, WA
No--but if you lived in California and had a Washington license, you'd be one of the cooler people on Earth.
Why do we spend hours watching movies like "The Ringer" but won't take an hour to go get a new license?
That makes about as much sense as someone paying Marc Anthony to record "Auld lang Syne".
Oh wait...they did that...
McFly,
What city has the hottest chicks? My friends and I are always debating...
Hugh H.
Beverly Hills, CA
This is such a ridiculous debate. I've had a year-long argument with my friends in San Francisco as to who has better looking girls, SF or Orange County...
Just a wasted argument. How can you possibly quantify what city has better-looking women...or people for that matter? SF or Orange County? Iceland or Spain? Pittsburgh or Milwaukee?
And for that matter--do you remember college? "Dude--the chicks at our school are WAY hotter at our school than yours..." Really? How are you going to quantify that?
The fact is--you can't.
You can however create a system for giving a round-understanding as to how attractive the people in a particular area are. But you can't really base it all on looks.
So...I give to you...
The McFly Dateability Corollary
We start with the "Seinfeld factor". Jerry Seinfeld claimed in an episode I can't place right now that exactly ten percent of the population is dateable.
Therefore: S=10
(Important to note however--that in my experience, no city has a higher percentage than 17 or lower than 3. If other factors stretch a particular place's range beyond that, we'll assume that that city is a 3 or 17. Therefore...)
S=10 (With a range of 3 : 17).
Other factors are as follows:
Climate: Potential range: (-2 : 2)
Obviously--a little sunshine never hurt anyone. But it isn't nearly as big a spread as some people think. Example: Yuma does not have more-dateable people than Portland.
Education: Potential range: (-2 : 2)
Brains are sexy. Just ask the chick who has been trying to have sex with Steven Hawking for the past twenty years. Example: Washington DC has more-dateable people than Charleston
Fitness: Potential range: (-3 : 3)
Ugly people with great bodies are the reason that bars close at two instead of midnight. Example: Denver has more-dateable people than Milwaukee.
Young Population: Potential Range: (-1 : 1)
Younger people are more appealing than old--unless you're Anna Nicole Smith. Example: Boston has more-attractive people than Buffalo.
Metropolitanism: Potential Range: (-3 : 3)
Country girls aren't nearly as hot as people pretend they are--in fact, most of them look a lot like the horses they ride.
Often competing with...
Snobbery: Potential Range: (-1 : 1)
No--snobs are not dateable--even if they seem that way on The Hills.
Outdoorsyness: Potential Range: (-1 : 1)
Decidedly different from fitness. But for some reason, we all have a strange obsession with good-looking-hippies...
And finally...
Drunkenness: Potential Range: (-1 : 1)
What can I say? Beer-gogs never hurt anybody...
Here's the key: You can't have a number in your head before you start...you have to give an honest grade.
So let's have some fun and grade a city or two:
San Francisco
Climate: -1
Education: 2
Fitness: 0
Young Population: 1
Metropolitanism: 3
Snobbery: -1
Outdoorsyness: -1
Drunkenness: 1
Therefore:
SF= S10 + C-1 + E2 + F0 +YP1 + M3 + S-1 + O-1 + D1
San Francisco = 14
Seattle
Climate: -2
Education: 2
Fitness: -1
Young Population: 0
Metropolitanism: 1
Snobbery: 0
Outdoorsyness: 1
Drunkenness: 0
Sea= S10 + C-2 + E2 + F-1 + YP0 + M1 + S0 + O1 + D0
Seattle = 11
Milwaukee
Climate: -2
Education: -2
Fitness: -3
Young Population: -1
Metropolitanism: 0
Snobbery: 1
Outdoorsyness: -1
Drunkenness: 2
Mil= S10 + C-2 + E-2 + F-3 + YP-1 + M0 + S1 + O-1 + D2
Milwaukee = 4
But sometimes they do... (Note: this is not for people who don't like cursing.)
From the Arnolds...
McFly,
I'm decorating my house for Christmas for the first time and my wife is demanding lights...any suggestions?
Clark W. Griswald Jr.
Chicago, IL
Lights are a lost art. In the era of moving reindeer and inflatable snowmen, people have forgotten what it means to actually adorn your home with Edison's glowing invention...
Really easy though:
Step One:
Don't "hang" lights. Attach them. A staple gun and some sort of straight-edge are necessary to have a classy-looking layout. Loosely strewn lights hanging in different directions are like mowing your lawn without parallel-lines.
Step Two:
White lights. Do I need to repeat that?
WHITE. LIGHTS.
The multi-colored blinkers died out with disco, and the new trend to go monochromatic in green or red is ridiculous. All green and it looks like St. Patrick's Day...all red and you look like you're living at the Lucifer Residence.
(Sidebar--don't you love the Jewish families with senses of humor who go blue and white for December? Always kills me...)
So keep it simple--you'll do fine.
McFly,
Is it okay that I think I'm cooler than everyone else because I live in Washington but have a California Driver's License?
Sydney
La Center, WA
No--but if you lived in California and had a Washington license, you'd be one of the cooler people on Earth.
Why do we spend hours watching movies like "The Ringer" but won't take an hour to go get a new license?
That makes about as much sense as someone paying Marc Anthony to record "Auld lang Syne".
Oh wait...they did that...
McFly,
What city has the hottest chicks? My friends and I are always debating...
Hugh H.
Beverly Hills, CA
This is such a ridiculous debate. I've had a year-long argument with my friends in San Francisco as to who has better looking girls, SF or Orange County...
Just a wasted argument. How can you possibly quantify what city has better-looking women...or people for that matter? SF or Orange County? Iceland or Spain? Pittsburgh or Milwaukee?
And for that matter--do you remember college? "Dude--the chicks at our school are WAY hotter at our school than yours..." Really? How are you going to quantify that?
The fact is--you can't.
You can however create a system for giving a round-understanding as to how attractive the people in a particular area are. But you can't really base it all on looks.
So...I give to you...
The McFly Dateability Corollary
We start with the "Seinfeld factor". Jerry Seinfeld claimed in an episode I can't place right now that exactly ten percent of the population is dateable.
Therefore: S=10
(Important to note however--that in my experience, no city has a higher percentage than 17 or lower than 3. If other factors stretch a particular place's range beyond that, we'll assume that that city is a 3 or 17. Therefore...)
S=10 (With a range of 3 : 17).
Other factors are as follows:
Climate: Potential range: (-2 : 2)
Obviously--a little sunshine never hurt anyone. But it isn't nearly as big a spread as some people think. Example: Yuma does not have more-dateable people than Portland.
Education: Potential range: (-2 : 2)
Brains are sexy. Just ask the chick who has been trying to have sex with Steven Hawking for the past twenty years. Example: Washington DC has more-dateable people than Charleston
Fitness: Potential range: (-3 : 3)
Ugly people with great bodies are the reason that bars close at two instead of midnight. Example: Denver has more-dateable people than Milwaukee.
Young Population: Potential Range: (-1 : 1)
Younger people are more appealing than old--unless you're Anna Nicole Smith. Example: Boston has more-attractive people than Buffalo.
Metropolitanism: Potential Range: (-3 : 3)
Country girls aren't nearly as hot as people pretend they are--in fact, most of them look a lot like the horses they ride.
Often competing with...
Snobbery: Potential Range: (-1 : 1)
No--snobs are not dateable--even if they seem that way on The Hills.
Outdoorsyness: Potential Range: (-1 : 1)
Decidedly different from fitness. But for some reason, we all have a strange obsession with good-looking-hippies...
And finally...
Drunkenness: Potential Range: (-1 : 1)
What can I say? Beer-gogs never hurt anybody...
Here's the key: You can't have a number in your head before you start...you have to give an honest grade.
So let's have some fun and grade a city or two:
San Francisco
Climate: -1
Education: 2
Fitness: 0
Young Population: 1
Metropolitanism: 3
Snobbery: -1
Outdoorsyness: -1
Drunkenness: 1
Therefore:
SF= S10 + C-1 + E2 + F0 +YP1 + M3 + S-1 + O-1 + D1
San Francisco = 14
Seattle
Climate: -2
Education: 2
Fitness: -1
Young Population: 0
Metropolitanism: 1
Snobbery: 0
Outdoorsyness: 1
Drunkenness: 0
Sea= S10 + C-2 + E2 + F-1 + YP0 + M1 + S0 + O1 + D0
Seattle = 11
Milwaukee
Climate: -2
Education: -2
Fitness: -3
Young Population: -1
Metropolitanism: 0
Snobbery: 1
Outdoorsyness: -1
Drunkenness: 2
Mil= S10 + C-2 + E-2 + F-3 + YP-1 + M0 + S1 + O-1 + D2
Milwaukee = 4
The system can be used for colleges as well, with "Size of School" replacing "Education", but with a range of (-1 : 1). (Many would say that the age factor should be eliminated, but there needs to be a dropoff for commuter schools---people just aren't as attractive.)
SO...of course UPS has to be judged here--I mean--it's nickname is "Ugly People School"...I've always argued conversely, just saying that it was a tiny college in a crappy climate.
But here goes...
The University of Puget Sound
Climate: -2
Size of School: -1
Fitness: -2
Young Population: 1
Metropolitanism: 0
Snobbery: 1 (Seriously--the most self-efacing group I've ever been around.)
Outdoorsyness: 1
Drunkenness: 2 (Pretty much every college gets that...except for BYU...)
Therefore:
UPS = S10 + C-2 + Sch-1 + F-2 + YP1 + M0 + S1 + O1 + D2
University of Puget Sound = 10
So--despite what everyone says, UPS has a representative portion of the population that is dateable. Don't believe me? Do the math.
(Naturally, I'll do it for girls...)
2300 Undergrads
1300 Girls
X .10 (Dateability Factor)
=
130 Dateable Girls
/4 (Classes)
=
32.5 Dateable Girls per class. Honest to goodness--you're telling me that you can't come up with 32.5 girls in each class that you'd date (not including their reputation)?
Be realistic.
So in conclusion--I don't think I answered the question, but I absolutely hope that this becomes the macro version of the binary code system for rating individual people based on their looks...
More questions? mcflyblogs@gmail.com
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
12.12.07
Sorry to do this two days in a row...but I have nothing for you this morning because of time restaraints.
I have received some solid mailbag questions though---so if you have more, please fire them over and I'll get as many answered for tomorrow as possible...
THANKS
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
I have received some solid mailbag questions though---so if you have more, please fire them over and I'll get as many answered for tomorrow as possible...
THANKS
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
12.11.07
A Quick One...
I'm on the road and didn't have any time to write on Monday evening, so a quick blog this morning---just a few random points...
-I drove by "Renton Seafood Restaurant" this morning. Hmm...I know we're not supposed to judge books by their covers, but I think "Renton Seafood Resaurant" qualifies as a place you do not want to eat. "Renton Power Tools"? Fine. "Renton Paper Supplies"? Fine. "Renton Seafood Restaurant"? Not fine.
-Mike Vick got what he deserved, and maybe a little less. People keep saying that he got a harsh sentence because he was famous--I think it was the exact opposite...or should have been the exact opposite. For six years, Michael Vick not only financed dog fighting, but also publicized it (and thereby himself) as the great ghetto pastime. So--with this in mind--the judge having realized that he robbed these animals of their lives, he should have robbed Vick of his. I'm not saying he deserved the death penalty, or even life in prison--but he deserved a prison sentence long enough to keep him from ever playing football again...5-7 years. I think the NFL and the world could benefit from Vick never playing again...unfortunately we won't get the opportunity to see that positive benefit.
-I was at my old gym this morning, stretching, and a familiar trainer came over with a young woman who was obviously a new client. She was a little overweight--but a very pleasant person, seeming to not only be enjoying herself, but also seeming that she was dedicated to the proposition of getting in shape. Fantastic, right?
Well--the familiar trainer kind of screwed it up. The woman was doing a "plank" (laying in the pushup position, holding yourself up with only your elbows and toes) and the trainer started trying to motivate her. The conversation went like this:
Him: "Yeah. Good. Keep going."
(Pause...)
Him: "Okay--30 more seconds..."
(Pause...she lets out a little grunt of pain...)
Him: "Come on--keep doing this and you'll look like Fergie..."
Her: (Drops from the position to her knees and stares at him. "FERGIE?? SHE'S ATROCIOUS!"
I thought it was pretty funny...but it brings to point--Never mention Fergie when you want something positive to happen.
-Washington State hired Paul Wulff, former Eastern WA Coach, as their new head coach. He is young, a break from the norms of the big programs, and will cause a major shakeup at the University. I think this is a terrible mistake. I think that the Cougars should have taken the lead of the University of Washington and not changed anything. As the UW will tell you, change is bad and winning isn't everything. So shame on you, WSU, for trying to get better. You're a disgrace to football.
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
I'm on the road and didn't have any time to write on Monday evening, so a quick blog this morning---just a few random points...
-I drove by "Renton Seafood Restaurant" this morning. Hmm...I know we're not supposed to judge books by their covers, but I think "Renton Seafood Resaurant" qualifies as a place you do not want to eat. "Renton Power Tools"? Fine. "Renton Paper Supplies"? Fine. "Renton Seafood Restaurant"? Not fine.
-Mike Vick got what he deserved, and maybe a little less. People keep saying that he got a harsh sentence because he was famous--I think it was the exact opposite...or should have been the exact opposite. For six years, Michael Vick not only financed dog fighting, but also publicized it (and thereby himself) as the great ghetto pastime. So--with this in mind--the judge having realized that he robbed these animals of their lives, he should have robbed Vick of his. I'm not saying he deserved the death penalty, or even life in prison--but he deserved a prison sentence long enough to keep him from ever playing football again...5-7 years. I think the NFL and the world could benefit from Vick never playing again...unfortunately we won't get the opportunity to see that positive benefit.
-I was at my old gym this morning, stretching, and a familiar trainer came over with a young woman who was obviously a new client. She was a little overweight--but a very pleasant person, seeming to not only be enjoying herself, but also seeming that she was dedicated to the proposition of getting in shape. Fantastic, right?
Well--the familiar trainer kind of screwed it up. The woman was doing a "plank" (laying in the pushup position, holding yourself up with only your elbows and toes) and the trainer started trying to motivate her. The conversation went like this:
Him: "Yeah. Good. Keep going."
(Pause...)
Him: "Okay--30 more seconds..."
(Pause...she lets out a little grunt of pain...)
Him: "Come on--keep doing this and you'll look like Fergie..."
Her: (Drops from the position to her knees and stares at him. "FERGIE?? SHE'S ATROCIOUS!"
I thought it was pretty funny...but it brings to point--Never mention Fergie when you want something positive to happen.
-Washington State hired Paul Wulff, former Eastern WA Coach, as their new head coach. He is young, a break from the norms of the big programs, and will cause a major shakeup at the University. I think this is a terrible mistake. I think that the Cougars should have taken the lead of the University of Washington and not changed anything. As the UW will tell you, change is bad and winning isn't everything. So shame on you, WSU, for trying to get better. You're a disgrace to football.
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
Sunday, December 9, 2007
12.10.07
Reaching Desperation...
I realized half-way through church Sunday that despite my best efforts, I am absolutely not in the Christmas spirit...so I figured the best way to cure myself of that was to do a blow-by-blow review of one of the great Christmas movies of all-time...HOME ALONE.
12:08: Five notes before starting:
1. Yes, it is Sunday and I should be watching the NFL, but my fantasy team lost in the first round of the playoffs and I don't care about 3rd place...not to mention the fact that virtually every playoff spot is already determined.
2. I came home to find my roommate gone, but his phone here. He'll be back soon and question a) why I'm watching Home Alone and b) why I'm chronicling it. This will be fun.
3. I'm going to have to hit "Pause" to type and to eat...so the times will indicate that movie is much longer than you thought it was.
4. Yes, I've reviewed Home Alone before...but never on a minute-by-minute basis.
5. I use a Playstation 2 as my DVD player and it requires me to put in a code to watch movies beyond a certain rating...Home Alone is apparently not child-safe. It is a collector's edition---so maybe there is the missing Pesci-Culkin porno scene----we can only hope...
Here we go...
12:15--Kevin really endears himself to the audience in the first scene. Completely over-the-top, completely ridiculous. No kid really acts like this. In one stroke he talks like he's 35 and has the self-control of a 3-year-old. I think this is why child-actors are so troubled. It isn't the money, it isn't that they're thrust into an adult's world, it is that they have to play ridiculous roles like this.
12:17--Underrated, Kevin's cousin Heather. I need to IMDB her. (Long career---no pictures.)
12:18--Two great quotes to throw out to anyone with a brain from Kevin's conversation with his sister. A) "Kevin--you are what the French call 'les incompetante'." B) "You've got to sleep upstairs will Fuller---if he has something to drink, he's going to wet the bed." I mean--how solid would it be to end a meeting, "Well--that's it for today--except for you Richards--you've got to sleep upstairs with Fuller--if he has something to drink, he's going to wet the bed." How phenomenal would the response be?
12:20--I've always thought "Buzz" was a cheap ripoff of Wayne Arnold. To easy to make him the way he is---the complete bully older-brother. Always been the impostor weakest link of the group, like Luc Longley on the Bulls in the late-90s.
12:23--"LOOK WHAT YA DID, YOU LITTLE JERK!"
12:24--Pesci's smile with the shiny gold tooth to Kevin is one of the all-time great ominous meetings. Makes the "Orientation Scene" from Top Gun look like Candyland.
12:25--(I can't keep up this pace) but Kevin's two best lines of the movie come in the scene where his mom pulls him from the kitchen mess and takes him upstairs. Absolutely phenomenal writing: ("Go upstairs Kevin") "I am upstairs, DUMMY!" ("I don't want to see you for the rest of the night.") "I don't want to see you for the rest of my whole life!"
(Okay--the opening scene is over...going to relax a bit...)
12:28--So I lied. What are the odds that the power-outage took place directly in front of the McCallister's house and nobody woke up from the exploding transformer? First completely ridiculous scene of the movie. (Followed immediately by the basic premise of forgetting an 8-year-old child. Not possible.) Someone is sitting at their desk right now, thinking about this movie, wondering if they missed the part where Optimus Prime was in the front yard--yeah--different Transformer, geek-boy.
12:37--Am I the only person who has tried to buy "Angels with Filthy Souls" to see what it is actually about? Really? Yeah...turns out it isn't even a real movie...1, 2, 10. Keep the change, ya filthy animal...
12:40-- "KEVIN!!!!!!"
12:45--When the McCallister's reach Paris and get to the phone, Mrs. McCallister puts a quarter in a pay phone. How does that possibly make sense? And oddly enough, they're still in O'Hare...I hate to be a naysayer...but some of these little nuances need to be pointed out.
12:55--Despite what my friends say, Reduced Fat Nilla Wafers are superior to the original because they are crispier. I want no further arguments here.
12:55--The original Wet Bandits conversation, followed by Harry almost running over Kevin, then smiling at him---the reminder that Harry is evil. Big ups to Kevin here pretending to go into church instead of his house. At this point you start to wonder however why he isn't calling the police. If he's smart enough to hide in a manger scene, and smart enough to call the police at the end of the movie, why doesn't he do so now? I guess it would kind of kill the movie...but oh well.
12:59--The fake party scene has to be one of the best dekes in movie history. COMPLETELY improbable...but the Michael Jordan cutout on the train set is priceless. (If you pay attention closely--you'll notice that Buzz also has a Michael Jordan growth-chart where MJ is in the exact same pose...hmm...)
1:00--Subtle fact. In both Home Alones (the third one doesn't exist, are we clear?) they watch "It's a Wonderful Life" in another language. French here and Spanish in the second. These are the subtleties that you pick up when you see a movie two or three hundred times...
1:02--The "Angels with Filthy Souls"/Pizza Guy scene. Equally improbable to the party scene...but pretty hilarious.
1:07--Peter McCallister has SIX KIDS, lives in that ridiculous house, wears a Burberry peacoat that probably runs $2000 and seems to pay for Uncle Frank's family on every vacation...what kind of racket is Peter running??
1:08--At the end of the movie, we hear about Kevin being responsible, buying milk and fabric softener---which at checkout, he appears to. Yet when his bags break, they aren't in the bags.
1:11--More frightening inanimate movie object from our childhoods? The radiator in the basement of the McCallister's place or the big Rock Guy from Neverending Story?
1:13--The "Angels with Filthy Souls"/Daniel Stern at the door scene. Slightly more probable--and much funnier. How many kids do you think have put firecrackers in a pot indoors since this movie? And how many of them do you think were beaten because of this?
1:15--John Candy was billed as a major character in this movie when the previews were out. And he doesn't show up until there are 20 minutes left in the movie. This always bothered me. What is odd is that his character in this movie is pretty funny...despite being a tiny role. And now that I watch it again, I realize that in regard to total number of lines, he is one of the bigger characters. Now that I have that off of my chest we can continue.
1:20--Harry/Marv lay-out their plans for a 9 pm rendezvous at the house. Real simple here, Kev--just call the police. NOT. THAT. HARD. I love the traps, I really do--but there's no possible way that this would happen.
1:22--When "Somewhere in my Memory" comes on and Kevin sees the family together for Christmas, it really tears you apart. That leading to the church scene with the old man...you forget what an absolute tear jerker this movie is. I mean--it is on par with the great emotional classics of all-time: An Affair to Remember, The Dirty Dozen, Days of Thunder...all of them.
1:30--Kevin makes his break for the house from church as all of the timed lights are coming on. The fact that he did all of the setup between 6 PM ("This is my house, I have to defend it.") and when the Wet Bandits showed up at 9 ("This is it, don't get scared now.") is ridiculous...but we're going to let that slide.
1:33--We're going to grade every trick on a 1-10 scale of probability and deadliness. Because some of this stuff couldn't have happened, and most of it would have killed the Wet Bandits.
1:34--Shooting the Wet Bandits with the BB Gun. Probability: 8. Deadliness: 2. (They probably would have heard him open the doggy door...but if they didn't, it would smart quite a bit.)
1:35--Harry slips on the icy steps. Probability: 9. Deadliness: 5. (Very painful, not deadly.)
1:36--Marv on the ice. Probability: 9. Deadliness: 9. (Almost certainly a broken neck...but a very plausible scenerio.)
1:36--Marv getting hit with the hot iron. Probability: 3. Deadliness: 8. (No chance that it hits him dead on--and no way it burns him that bad in a glancing blow. But it would still knock him out and probably kill him.)
1:37--Harry burning hand on the door-handle. Probability: 10. Deadliness: 3. (But SERIOUS burns. They actually made that one realistic, except the pain would have continued for roughly a week instead of five minutes.)
1:38--Marv steps on the nail. Probability: 1. Deadliness: 8. (NO WAY Marv continues on after that. Not a chance.)
1:39--Harry with the blow-torch to the head. Probability: 4. Deadliness: 10. (Harry can't possibly continue after this...ridiculous amount of pain. I mean--his effing head was on fire.)
1:40--Harry tar and feather. Probability: 3. Deadliness: 1. (Just kind of dumb...it certainly wouldn't have slowed him down the way that it seemed to.)
1:41--Marv steps on ornaments. Probability: 6. Deadliness: 2. (How would Kevin know he'd be barefoot?)
1:41--Micromachines. Probability: 4. Deadliness: 2. (Great foreshadowing in the opening scene here--but they're far more likely to pull a groin than fall flat on their backs.)
1:41--Paint cans. Probability: 4. Deadliness: 7. (It would hurt like a son-of-a-bitch...but not much chance he actually hits both of them in the head.)
1:42--Timeout. I never noticed that Marv yells out, "You bomb me with one more can, I'll snap of your cojones and boil them in motor oil." Wow...that's not okay for kids. (Oh--this is where Kevin calls the police...why did it take this long??
1:43--Gum tripwire. Probability: 1. Deadliness: 1. (Not a chance--it almost demeans the other gags.)
1:44--Tarantula. Probability: 10. Deadliness: Depends on spider. (However, the whacks with the crowbar that followed would absolutely cripple or kill someone.)
1:45--Why would the Wet Bandits follow Kevin across the rope? There's just no chance this would happen--particularly when Harry probably has 3rd degree burns on his hand. Oh--and they would totally hang onto the rope until it swung into the house. Right...
1:47--When the old man hits both of them with the shovel, it would almost certainly kill them or cause serious brain damage. No way they are conscious to snarl at Kevin as the pull away.
1:50--I never liked that Kevin left out milk/cookies and carrots. Can't be good for kids to see that if your parents aren't home, Santa doesn't come. (BTW--I really need a nap, haven't slept in 5-6 hours. But I'm going to fight through these last five minutes...)
1:53--The phenomenal exchange between Kevin and Mrs. McCallister, followed by the glimpse between Kevin and the old man are great. As is the "What did you do while we were gone?" "Oh--you know--just hung around."...but the whole final scene is ruined by Buzz's ridiculous, "It's pretty cool that you didn't burn the place down." And the inexplicable running out of the house when Buzz sees his room.
In Conclusion...
Despite all my negative comments about the movie, it is as enjoyable as it was when it first came out. There's a common trap amongst the networks to only air Christmas movies that have a Christmas-y title---which this clearly doesn't. It's a huge mistake on their part. I mean--honestly--what is going to get more parents to tune in with their kids? This or effing Prancer? There's just no question here...
I realized half-way through church Sunday that despite my best efforts, I am absolutely not in the Christmas spirit...so I figured the best way to cure myself of that was to do a blow-by-blow review of one of the great Christmas movies of all-time...HOME ALONE.
12:08: Five notes before starting:
1. Yes, it is Sunday and I should be watching the NFL, but my fantasy team lost in the first round of the playoffs and I don't care about 3rd place...not to mention the fact that virtually every playoff spot is already determined.
2. I came home to find my roommate gone, but his phone here. He'll be back soon and question a) why I'm watching Home Alone and b) why I'm chronicling it. This will be fun.
3. I'm going to have to hit "Pause" to type and to eat...so the times will indicate that movie is much longer than you thought it was.
4. Yes, I've reviewed Home Alone before...but never on a minute-by-minute basis.
5. I use a Playstation 2 as my DVD player and it requires me to put in a code to watch movies beyond a certain rating...Home Alone is apparently not child-safe. It is a collector's edition---so maybe there is the missing Pesci-Culkin porno scene----we can only hope...
Here we go...
12:15--Kevin really endears himself to the audience in the first scene. Completely over-the-top, completely ridiculous. No kid really acts like this. In one stroke he talks like he's 35 and has the self-control of a 3-year-old. I think this is why child-actors are so troubled. It isn't the money, it isn't that they're thrust into an adult's world, it is that they have to play ridiculous roles like this.
12:17--Underrated, Kevin's cousin Heather. I need to IMDB her. (Long career---no pictures.)
12:18--Two great quotes to throw out to anyone with a brain from Kevin's conversation with his sister. A) "Kevin--you are what the French call 'les incompetante'." B) "You've got to sleep upstairs will Fuller---if he has something to drink, he's going to wet the bed." I mean--how solid would it be to end a meeting, "Well--that's it for today--except for you Richards--you've got to sleep upstairs with Fuller--if he has something to drink, he's going to wet the bed." How phenomenal would the response be?
12:20--I've always thought "Buzz" was a cheap ripoff of Wayne Arnold. To easy to make him the way he is---the complete bully older-brother. Always been the impostor weakest link of the group, like Luc Longley on the Bulls in the late-90s.
12:23--"LOOK WHAT YA DID, YOU LITTLE JERK!"
12:24--Pesci's smile with the shiny gold tooth to Kevin is one of the all-time great ominous meetings. Makes the "Orientation Scene" from Top Gun look like Candyland.
12:25--(I can't keep up this pace) but Kevin's two best lines of the movie come in the scene where his mom pulls him from the kitchen mess and takes him upstairs. Absolutely phenomenal writing: ("Go upstairs Kevin") "I am upstairs, DUMMY!" ("I don't want to see you for the rest of the night.") "I don't want to see you for the rest of my whole life!"
(Okay--the opening scene is over...going to relax a bit...)
12:28--So I lied. What are the odds that the power-outage took place directly in front of the McCallister's house and nobody woke up from the exploding transformer? First completely ridiculous scene of the movie. (Followed immediately by the basic premise of forgetting an 8-year-old child. Not possible.) Someone is sitting at their desk right now, thinking about this movie, wondering if they missed the part where Optimus Prime was in the front yard--yeah--different Transformer, geek-boy.
12:37--Am I the only person who has tried to buy "Angels with Filthy Souls" to see what it is actually about? Really? Yeah...turns out it isn't even a real movie...1, 2, 10. Keep the change, ya filthy animal...
12:40-- "KEVIN!!!!!!"
12:45--When the McCallister's reach Paris and get to the phone, Mrs. McCallister puts a quarter in a pay phone. How does that possibly make sense? And oddly enough, they're still in O'Hare...I hate to be a naysayer...but some of these little nuances need to be pointed out.
12:55--Despite what my friends say, Reduced Fat Nilla Wafers are superior to the original because they are crispier. I want no further arguments here.
12:55--The original Wet Bandits conversation, followed by Harry almost running over Kevin, then smiling at him---the reminder that Harry is evil. Big ups to Kevin here pretending to go into church instead of his house. At this point you start to wonder however why he isn't calling the police. If he's smart enough to hide in a manger scene, and smart enough to call the police at the end of the movie, why doesn't he do so now? I guess it would kind of kill the movie...but oh well.
12:59--The fake party scene has to be one of the best dekes in movie history. COMPLETELY improbable...but the Michael Jordan cutout on the train set is priceless. (If you pay attention closely--you'll notice that Buzz also has a Michael Jordan growth-chart where MJ is in the exact same pose...hmm...)
1:00--Subtle fact. In both Home Alones (the third one doesn't exist, are we clear?) they watch "It's a Wonderful Life" in another language. French here and Spanish in the second. These are the subtleties that you pick up when you see a movie two or three hundred times...
1:02--The "Angels with Filthy Souls"/Pizza Guy scene. Equally improbable to the party scene...but pretty hilarious.
1:07--Peter McCallister has SIX KIDS, lives in that ridiculous house, wears a Burberry peacoat that probably runs $2000 and seems to pay for Uncle Frank's family on every vacation...what kind of racket is Peter running??
1:08--At the end of the movie, we hear about Kevin being responsible, buying milk and fabric softener---which at checkout, he appears to. Yet when his bags break, they aren't in the bags.
1:11--More frightening inanimate movie object from our childhoods? The radiator in the basement of the McCallister's place or the big Rock Guy from Neverending Story?
1:13--The "Angels with Filthy Souls"/Daniel Stern at the door scene. Slightly more probable--and much funnier. How many kids do you think have put firecrackers in a pot indoors since this movie? And how many of them do you think were beaten because of this?
1:15--John Candy was billed as a major character in this movie when the previews were out. And he doesn't show up until there are 20 minutes left in the movie. This always bothered me. What is odd is that his character in this movie is pretty funny...despite being a tiny role. And now that I watch it again, I realize that in regard to total number of lines, he is one of the bigger characters. Now that I have that off of my chest we can continue.
1:20--Harry/Marv lay-out their plans for a 9 pm rendezvous at the house. Real simple here, Kev--just call the police. NOT. THAT. HARD. I love the traps, I really do--but there's no possible way that this would happen.
1:22--When "Somewhere in my Memory" comes on and Kevin sees the family together for Christmas, it really tears you apart. That leading to the church scene with the old man...you forget what an absolute tear jerker this movie is. I mean--it is on par with the great emotional classics of all-time: An Affair to Remember, The Dirty Dozen, Days of Thunder...all of them.
1:30--Kevin makes his break for the house from church as all of the timed lights are coming on. The fact that he did all of the setup between 6 PM ("This is my house, I have to defend it.") and when the Wet Bandits showed up at 9 ("This is it, don't get scared now.") is ridiculous...but we're going to let that slide.
1:33--We're going to grade every trick on a 1-10 scale of probability and deadliness. Because some of this stuff couldn't have happened, and most of it would have killed the Wet Bandits.
1:34--Shooting the Wet Bandits with the BB Gun. Probability: 8. Deadliness: 2. (They probably would have heard him open the doggy door...but if they didn't, it would smart quite a bit.)
1:35--Harry slips on the icy steps. Probability: 9. Deadliness: 5. (Very painful, not deadly.)
1:36--Marv on the ice. Probability: 9. Deadliness: 9. (Almost certainly a broken neck...but a very plausible scenerio.)
1:36--Marv getting hit with the hot iron. Probability: 3. Deadliness: 8. (No chance that it hits him dead on--and no way it burns him that bad in a glancing blow. But it would still knock him out and probably kill him.)
1:37--Harry burning hand on the door-handle. Probability: 10. Deadliness: 3. (But SERIOUS burns. They actually made that one realistic, except the pain would have continued for roughly a week instead of five minutes.)
1:38--Marv steps on the nail. Probability: 1. Deadliness: 8. (NO WAY Marv continues on after that. Not a chance.)
1:39--Harry with the blow-torch to the head. Probability: 4. Deadliness: 10. (Harry can't possibly continue after this...ridiculous amount of pain. I mean--his effing head was on fire.)
1:40--Harry tar and feather. Probability: 3. Deadliness: 1. (Just kind of dumb...it certainly wouldn't have slowed him down the way that it seemed to.)
1:41--Marv steps on ornaments. Probability: 6. Deadliness: 2. (How would Kevin know he'd be barefoot?)
1:41--Micromachines. Probability: 4. Deadliness: 2. (Great foreshadowing in the opening scene here--but they're far more likely to pull a groin than fall flat on their backs.)
1:41--Paint cans. Probability: 4. Deadliness: 7. (It would hurt like a son-of-a-bitch...but not much chance he actually hits both of them in the head.)
1:42--Timeout. I never noticed that Marv yells out, "You bomb me with one more can, I'll snap of your cojones and boil them in motor oil." Wow...that's not okay for kids. (Oh--this is where Kevin calls the police...why did it take this long??
1:43--Gum tripwire. Probability: 1. Deadliness: 1. (Not a chance--it almost demeans the other gags.)
1:44--Tarantula. Probability: 10. Deadliness: Depends on spider. (However, the whacks with the crowbar that followed would absolutely cripple or kill someone.)
1:45--Why would the Wet Bandits follow Kevin across the rope? There's just no chance this would happen--particularly when Harry probably has 3rd degree burns on his hand. Oh--and they would totally hang onto the rope until it swung into the house. Right...
1:47--When the old man hits both of them with the shovel, it would almost certainly kill them or cause serious brain damage. No way they are conscious to snarl at Kevin as the pull away.
1:50--I never liked that Kevin left out milk/cookies and carrots. Can't be good for kids to see that if your parents aren't home, Santa doesn't come. (BTW--I really need a nap, haven't slept in 5-6 hours. But I'm going to fight through these last five minutes...)
1:53--The phenomenal exchange between Kevin and Mrs. McCallister, followed by the glimpse between Kevin and the old man are great. As is the "What did you do while we were gone?" "Oh--you know--just hung around."...but the whole final scene is ruined by Buzz's ridiculous, "It's pretty cool that you didn't burn the place down." And the inexplicable running out of the house when Buzz sees his room.
In Conclusion...
Despite all my negative comments about the movie, it is as enjoyable as it was when it first came out. There's a common trap amongst the networks to only air Christmas movies that have a Christmas-y title---which this clearly doesn't. It's a huge mistake on their part. I mean--honestly--what is going to get more parents to tune in with their kids? This or effing Prancer? There's just no question here...
Thursday, December 6, 2007
12.7.07
Back to Basics...
Sorry for the intense blog yesterday. I've accepted the fate of Washington Football at this point. I'm not happy about it, but I've accepted it. (Oh--one point I didn't bring up yesterday for all of you Willingham apologists: You know how you're always talking about how great he was at Notre Dame and how much better Willingham is than Charlie Weis?? Here's a fun fact: over the past three years, Charlie Weis has more wins over Pac-10 schools than Ty Willingham. And for those of you who haven't put it together---NOTRE DAME ISN'T EVEN AN EFFING PAC-10 SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
With that said, allow me to return to useless rants about inconceivably stupid topics...
Only 24 Shopping Days Left...
No---not until Christmas (you have 17 days left for that--and yes, I'm done with my shopping) but for the real holiday. You know what I'm referring to--the event we all wait for all----
I'm sorry.
That's as far as I can go with this ridiculousness.
Really--is there anything worse than New Year's Eve?
I'm not going to waste my time arguing that it is "amateur hour" because that would imply that I'm something other than an amateur at whatever it is that you're supposed to be doing on New Year's Eve (that is of course unless it involves College Football on the Playstation 2). So it really isn't the people that bother me---it is simply the fact that you're GOING to do something...and there isn't a snowcones chance in Cancun that it is going to live up to expectation.
Does this scenario sound familiar?
You spend 8x as much money as you normally would on a night out...and at 11:45, you're having exactly the same experience that you'd be having on any other night out.
Then it hits you---you're in exactly the regrettable position that made you consider staying in.
And you go on in motion...
Walking in circles in every possible point of the bar, looking for ANYONE to kiss. At this point, herpes is no longer a concern---in fact--you'd be willing to contract a major spinal injury if it meant that your buddy's girlfriend wasn't going to kiss you on the cheek, and thereby giving you the world's greatest conciliatory kick in the balls...
But despite my general disdain (General Disdain? SALUTE!) for the non-holiday, I have decided that I'm going to make my fortune off of it---and if any of you steal this, I swear on the soul of Macauley Culkin that I will find you and end you.
Here's the idea:
I'm going to open a bar/club where every night is New Year's Eve.
Yes--Disneyworld has a similar bar---but I'm going to take it to the big city. I'm thinking San Francisco to start--with quick expansion to Seattle, Los Angeles and Denver.
And we're going to do it all...
Decorations. Champagne, and of course, a clock winding down to midnight. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.
I even have a working-name (thanks to my friend Sarah): Countdown.
Think about it.
Who ISN'T going to go there?
Girls night out? Go to Countdown.
Buddy is down on his luck? Go to Countdown.
Relationship needs a drunk and sexual spark? Go to Countdown.
Just a lonely, creepy alcoholic? Go to Countdown.
And here's the beauty of the whole thing:
People will go so frequently, and locations will be spread so far around the country that when it comes time for the "real" New Year's Eve---people are going to be sick of it.
WHAT A PERFECT IDEA!!
In one swoop, I can become a kajillionaire and wipe out the worst night of the year...have I mentioned that I'm a genius? I am.
And so what if the Health Department will shut it down after three or four years because of rampant sexually transmitted diseases and a startling number of hookers...
But by then, I will have sold the business off and will have already ordered my Icelandic mail-order stripper wife and will be living in the biggest mansion in Kent.
Let the Countdown begin...
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
Sorry for the intense blog yesterday. I've accepted the fate of Washington Football at this point. I'm not happy about it, but I've accepted it. (Oh--one point I didn't bring up yesterday for all of you Willingham apologists: You know how you're always talking about how great he was at Notre Dame and how much better Willingham is than Charlie Weis?? Here's a fun fact: over the past three years, Charlie Weis has more wins over Pac-10 schools than Ty Willingham. And for those of you who haven't put it together---NOTRE DAME ISN'T EVEN AN EFFING PAC-10 SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
With that said, allow me to return to useless rants about inconceivably stupid topics...
Only 24 Shopping Days Left...
No---not until Christmas (you have 17 days left for that--and yes, I'm done with my shopping) but for the real holiday. You know what I'm referring to--the event we all wait for all----
I'm sorry.
That's as far as I can go with this ridiculousness.
Really--is there anything worse than New Year's Eve?
I'm not going to waste my time arguing that it is "amateur hour" because that would imply that I'm something other than an amateur at whatever it is that you're supposed to be doing on New Year's Eve (that is of course unless it involves College Football on the Playstation 2). So it really isn't the people that bother me---it is simply the fact that you're GOING to do something...and there isn't a snowcones chance in Cancun that it is going to live up to expectation.
Does this scenario sound familiar?
You spend 8x as much money as you normally would on a night out...and at 11:45, you're having exactly the same experience that you'd be having on any other night out.
Then it hits you---you're in exactly the regrettable position that made you consider staying in.
And you go on in motion...
Walking in circles in every possible point of the bar, looking for ANYONE to kiss. At this point, herpes is no longer a concern---in fact--you'd be willing to contract a major spinal injury if it meant that your buddy's girlfriend wasn't going to kiss you on the cheek, and thereby giving you the world's greatest conciliatory kick in the balls...
But despite my general disdain (General Disdain? SALUTE!) for the non-holiday, I have decided that I'm going to make my fortune off of it---and if any of you steal this, I swear on the soul of Macauley Culkin that I will find you and end you.
Here's the idea:
I'm going to open a bar/club where every night is New Year's Eve.
Yes--Disneyworld has a similar bar---but I'm going to take it to the big city. I'm thinking San Francisco to start--with quick expansion to Seattle, Los Angeles and Denver.
And we're going to do it all...
Decorations. Champagne, and of course, a clock winding down to midnight. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.
I even have a working-name (thanks to my friend Sarah): Countdown.
Think about it.
Who ISN'T going to go there?
Girls night out? Go to Countdown.
Buddy is down on his luck? Go to Countdown.
Relationship needs a drunk and sexual spark? Go to Countdown.
Just a lonely, creepy alcoholic? Go to Countdown.
And here's the beauty of the whole thing:
People will go so frequently, and locations will be spread so far around the country that when it comes time for the "real" New Year's Eve---people are going to be sick of it.
WHAT A PERFECT IDEA!!
In one swoop, I can become a kajillionaire and wipe out the worst night of the year...have I mentioned that I'm a genius? I am.
And so what if the Health Department will shut it down after three or four years because of rampant sexually transmitted diseases and a startling number of hookers...
But by then, I will have sold the business off and will have already ordered my Icelandic mail-order stripper wife and will be living in the biggest mansion in Kent.
Let the Countdown begin...
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
12.6.07
Epilogue...
I had so many plans for today's blog...
A mailbag...
A list of my 50 favorite athletes of all-time...
An inevitable bashing of the match-up between my two least-favorite college basketball teams...
An infinite number of Christmas topics I could write about...
But then it happened...
Or I should say--it DIDN'T happen.
Nothing changed yesterday. The sun rose to at the moon's descent, and Tyrone Willingham retained his job as head coach of the University of Washington football team.
In one of the most simple cases of managerial cowardice imaginable, University President Mark Emmert in a written statement, and University Athletic Director Todd Turner in a series of public statements declared their allegiance to a coach, in Tyrone Willingham, that has done nothing to prove that he can win football games at the Division I level and particularly at the University of Washington.
An Issue of Propaganda...
I had so many plans for today's blog...
A mailbag...
A list of my 50 favorite athletes of all-time...
An inevitable bashing of the match-up between my two least-favorite college basketball teams...
An infinite number of Christmas topics I could write about...
But then it happened...
Or I should say--it DIDN'T happen.
Nothing changed yesterday. The sun rose to at the moon's descent, and Tyrone Willingham retained his job as head coach of the University of Washington football team.
In one of the most simple cases of managerial cowardice imaginable, University President Mark Emmert in a written statement, and University Athletic Director Todd Turner in a series of public statements declared their allegiance to a coach, in Tyrone Willingham, that has done nothing to prove that he can win football games at the Division I level and particularly at the University of Washington.
An Issue of Propaganda...
Propaganda as a word has a negative connotation. Much in the way that "fantastic" is commonly perceived to be positive, inordinately negative use of "propaganda" has given the word a very base perception.
But the truth is that propaganda can be a positive thing. It is propaganda which impresses our religions upon us, it is propaganda which motivates us to be patriotic Americans and it is propaganda which makes us believe that our preferred cola is better than the next one.
Similarly, it was propaganda that convinced Husky fans in the fall of 2004 that stability, class and patience were vital for a program that had hit its worst spell in recent history. And it was the same propaganda convinced the same Husky fans that former Stanford and Notre Dame coach Tyrone Willingham was the man who could lead the program from the doldrums to its former glory.
The hire--while not universally loved--made sense. Willingham was bred in programs that demanded graduation rates and a positive public image--and it seemed that he had a history of recruiting at a high enough level to compete in the Pac-10.
In the beginning, the standards were set low. Blame can be assigned in many directions for the collapse--Rick Neuheisel, Keith Gilbertson, or my personal scapegoat, former Athletic Director Barbara Hedges. The talent-pool had been virtually depleted and a truncated recruiting season in '04 meant that the '05 season was going to be a long one--and to no surprise it was. A 2-9 record, with only one Pac-10 win, Washington was mired in the basement of the conference, but promise was high. A respectable recruiting class that fall, coupled with a manageable schedule to start the following season gave the Huskies a quick start, and left the Huskies' fans expecting a return to postseason play in '06.
What followed however was becoming all-too-familiar. Second-half collapses--during games at one level, and for the season at another--left Washington with a 5-7 record and a 9th-place finish in a Pac-10 Conference that was growing increasingly more difficult.
It was improvement--but it wasn't phenomenal improvement. However--the propaganda machine that University of Washington had become left Husky fans feeling like they were champions. An odd pride had returned to the program, as fans who once praised a program for championships had now resided to a sedated, confusing belief that an air of "class" was more important than winning.
But finally the propaganda well emptied. Lofty expectations for the '07 season were overshadowed by ineptitude. Willingham and his coaching staff proved unable to cope with the pressures of a difficult schedule, showing no sign that they could game-plan against the best coaches in the country---highlighted by two catastrophic collapses against Washington State and Hawaii to close the season.
Action Out of Inaction...
With a fan base almost unanimously calling for change, the University decided this week to believe their own propaganda--that winning just isn't important. Todd Turner went so far as to inexplicably say Wednesday that, "judging us by winning is so trite" when you consider "all of the other things that we're doing."
But what else are they doing?
Every strand of logic that Turner and the administration present in Willingham's defense seems to contradict itself.
"You can't trust the media machine."
Sure--it is easier for the Seattle media to emphasize those who are against retaining Willingham----but their main point of emphasis in praising Willingham are his "highly ranked" recruiting classes--which are an imperfect and arbitrary product of that same media.
"We had a tough schedule this year, but we're on the way up."
On the way up to what? The Pac-10 isn't going to get any easier. The only team in the conference (save potentially Washington after losing TWENTY-EIGHT seniors) that is expected to take a step back next year is Oregon with the loss of Dennis Dixon and Jonathon Stewart. So where do they have to go? Their recruiting has improved, but not relative to the conference--they've shown no sign of being able to out-recruit the top six teams in the conference---so even if Washington's talent level is improving, as it no doubt is, it is growing worse in relative terms.
"He hasn't got to coach his own players yet..."
Three years is ample time for that...but let's just say for argument's sake that it isn't. If three years isn't in fact enough time to reload a program, what is to be said of Notre Dame? If these are in fact Keith Gilbertson's players and not Willingham's, then would it not make sense that Notre Dame's current players are Willingham's and not Charlie Weis'? That's an easier place to recruit to than Washington, and those kids were getting browbeat by the military academies this year. What does that say of Willingham's recruiting?
Or my personal favorite...
"We need continuity."
Continuity is a constant problem in college sports because kids have such a short time (3-4 years) to learn a system, and coaches and coordinators are constantly cycling from school to school. However--there is a definitive difference between a program like Alabama that is suffering because their top-flight talent hasn't been able to maintain a system for long enough to develop. Washington however is like that puzzle piece that just doesn't fit---eventually you have to try another piece. Call me crazy--but I don't see the merit in maintaining continuity when continuity isn't leading to success.
And finally...
"Keeping Tyrone is what is best for the program."
But what is the program? The players? Of course. The University? Definitely. The fan base? More than anything. Without the (rapidly diminishing) thousands of fans that flock to Montlake for Washington's six home games every year, the program doesn't exist. And by doing nothing, you've only further-diminished what little support remains for the program. The Willingham supporters are unchanged---because nothing has happened. But the Willingham detractors--the larger of the two groups--are now further enraged in having him as a coach and have the ability to create enough turmoil to ruin the program.
By not replacing Willingham with a more capable--and certainly more popular--candidate, the administration of the University of Washington has sent the Husky Football Team one year deeper into a depression that ten years ago would have been thought to be impossible.
Or so we hope...
Our Biggest Fear...
In 1997, Washington beat Michigan State in the Aloha Bowl. I remember the game because it was played on Christmas Day and I had almost forgotten to watch it because the season had been such a mess (7-4 up until then).
That was only ten years ago.
Today, Washington fans are so starved for wins, that a second-rate bowl game like that one would be a calendar-clearing event.
But that's the problem.
We've set the standards for success so low that Willingham's Huskies could finish the season 7-5 next year, go to a bowl game, and it might be enough to earn him a contract extension---even though his career record would only improve to a dreadful 18-29.
And this is what I'm referring to with the division in the program---the knowledge that this disaster could come to be will almost leave Husky "Fans" rooting against Willingham's teams with dreams of a new era on the horizon.
Conclusion...
I intentionally haven't mentioned the potential replacements for Willingham that I have previously--namely Jim Mora Jr. The reason that I haven't done that is because a change to Jim Mora was not the answer for UW. The answer for UW was change itself.
When I was a young kid, Washington losses used to genuinely bring me to tears. I remember bawling after the "Desert Swarm" loss to Arizona, because the thought of Washington not winning its second straight National Championship was too much for me to bear.
As I have matured in the years since--college football has as well. It is big business, power-marketing and corporate attitudes. And while I have more control of my emotions than I did during the 1992 season, I'm experiencing a similar heartache knowing that the team that I love is being managed by a University that refuses to recognize when administrative change is needed.
___________________________________________________________________
Comments/Questions?
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
12.5.07
A Quick Rant
Every year at this time, when college football programs are trying to replace the coaches who have been fired or have left for other positions.
And every year at this time we are bombarded with the incessant ranting of various civil rights groups, screaming from the rooftops with the fact that there are only 6 minority head coaches in Division I football.
There is no doubt that this is a grossly disproportionate number of minority coaches. However, the so-called "Rooney Rule" where schools and teams are required to interview a minority coach is short-sighted and ineffectual.
Use the Texas A&M example...
They had an opening, they had an alum who has been extraordinarily successful in coaching in Mike Sherman---and they hired him within 24 hours of the job opening up.
What would be the point of interviewing a minority? They knew who they wanted.
The same way that a few years ago, UCLA and Washington knew who they wanted---and they hired black coaches (albeit unsuccessfully.)
But here's the overwhelming truth of all this:
Affirmative action in high level positions sets civil rights back, it doesn't move it forward.
When Martin Luther King Jr. was leading the civil rights movement, he asked us to view all people "not by the color of their skin, but but the content of their character." And yet modern civil rights leaders, who claim they are continuing King's movement, are doing just the opposite---they're asking people to be judged (in this case, interviewed) based on the color of their skin and not the content of their character.
It is short-sighted and stupid.
NBA Scouts aren't required to bring in a white player when evaluating draft picks, despite the NBA being 86% black. And why don't they have to do this? Because it is ridiculous. The simple fact is that there are more talented black players than white players---and not because they're black, because they're simply better.
The same goes for coaches. You hire the best guy.
So for the affirmative action types out there--just give it time. A couple of decades ago there was racism in coaching. People simply weren't hired because of the color of their skin.
But over time, teams started hiring minority position coaches, now they're hiring minority coordinators---the system will naturally bring them up. If someone is successful as a coordinator, they'll get a small college head coaching job. If they're successful there, they'll move up.
Just don't tell me that people need to be hired based on the color of their skin--it is degrading to people of all color and ethnicity.
'tis the Season for Over-rated/Under-rated...
Over-rated: Angels on the tops of trees.
Under-rated: Midgets on the tops of trees.
I place midget jokes alongside mullet jokes...the lowest possible form of comedy. However--the idea of walking into a room and seeing a midget on the top of a tree is beautiful to me...
Over-rated: Elf
Under-rated: Home Alone
Maybe if the producers of this movie hadn't pulled a Medellin and put every entertaining part of Elf in the preview it wouldn't have sucked so much. Aside from that, Home Alone I and II (there were no other Home Alones, is that clear??) are two of the top 100 movies of all-time.
Over-rated: Celebrating Quanza, Hanukkah, Festivus and Chrismukah
Under-rated: Not burning in hell.
Pick a faith and go with it. Even Democrats can get religion straight...
(Oh--FYI--one of the Arnolds emailed me yesterday to tell me that SHE is presently pretending to be Jewish so she can use some Jewish gym...PURE class...)
Over-rated: Writing "X-Mas"
Under-rated: Realizing that the "Christ" part of the holiday is somewhat important.
Little known fact: Christmas is NOT the celebration of Santa Claus' birthday.
Over-rated: Ham
Under-rated: Everything but ham.
Please Lord let me avoid this disgusting meat this holiday season.
Over-rated: Prancer
Under-rated: Blitzen
How the F did PRANCER get a movie made after him? Shouldn't the ad-wizards have realized that BLITZEN is one of the more badass names a reindeer could have. Screw it--I'm naming my first born Blitzen.
Over-rated: The Transiberian Orchestra
Under-rated: The local children's choir
I saw "TO" (as their fans call them) and I genuinely fell asleep. Sorry...little kids singing Silent Night makes me feel a little more Christmasy than Rob Zombie-esque bass riffs.
Over-rated: Pretending to be unique because you "always" watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation on Christmas Eve.
Under-rated: Realizing that you don't know the movie as well as McCaw and I.
"Have a REALLY, MERRY, CHRISTMAS" Who says it? Don't know?? YOU LOSE!
Over-rated: Hanging the big multi-colored bulb lights on your house.
Under-rated: Avoiding social activity with people who hang the big multi-colored bulb lights on their house.
I mean--really??? Isn't that up there with a waterbed and a "Who Farted?" hat on the list of things that you never want one of your friends to own??
Over-rated: Carol of the Bells
Under-rated: THIS!
I'm on a mission to convince TBS to air that 33 second clip on a 24-hour loop right before they start showing A Christmas Story on Christmas Eve. Speaking of which...
Over-rated: A Christmas Story
Under-rated: Questioning what the hell time period that movie was set in.
It is a Christmas-classic...but it sits a ways down on my Christmas movie list (note--this is a ranking of their importance during the Christmas season--not on the quality of the movie, which can be noted in my All-time Top 100):
1. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
2. Miracle on 34th Street (New)
3. Home Alone II
4. It's a Wonderful Life
5. Home Alone
6. A Flintstone Christmas (but NOT A Flintstone Christmas CAROL)
7. Die Hard
8. Love Actually
9. Die Hard II
10. A Christmas Story
Over-rated: Milk and Cookies for Santa
Under-rated: Bringing back the Coke/Pepsi Challenge
My brother and I extrapolated that and put out a new soda challenge every year. One year it was about five types of Orange Soda. That morning, we looked out on the frosty lawn and saw Santa's lifeless corpse, struck dead from an insulin shortage.
Over-rated: Mouthwash for your stocking
Under-rated: Infrared goggles for your stalking
What better time of year to ensure that your ex-girlfriend can be seen through her window even at night.
Christmas Mailbag this week?? I need some questions...
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
Every year at this time, when college football programs are trying to replace the coaches who have been fired or have left for other positions.
And every year at this time we are bombarded with the incessant ranting of various civil rights groups, screaming from the rooftops with the fact that there are only 6 minority head coaches in Division I football.
There is no doubt that this is a grossly disproportionate number of minority coaches. However, the so-called "Rooney Rule" where schools and teams are required to interview a minority coach is short-sighted and ineffectual.
Use the Texas A&M example...
They had an opening, they had an alum who has been extraordinarily successful in coaching in Mike Sherman---and they hired him within 24 hours of the job opening up.
What would be the point of interviewing a minority? They knew who they wanted.
The same way that a few years ago, UCLA and Washington knew who they wanted---and they hired black coaches (albeit unsuccessfully.)
But here's the overwhelming truth of all this:
Affirmative action in high level positions sets civil rights back, it doesn't move it forward.
When Martin Luther King Jr. was leading the civil rights movement, he asked us to view all people "not by the color of their skin, but but the content of their character." And yet modern civil rights leaders, who claim they are continuing King's movement, are doing just the opposite---they're asking people to be judged (in this case, interviewed) based on the color of their skin and not the content of their character.
It is short-sighted and stupid.
NBA Scouts aren't required to bring in a white player when evaluating draft picks, despite the NBA being 86% black. And why don't they have to do this? Because it is ridiculous. The simple fact is that there are more talented black players than white players---and not because they're black, because they're simply better.
The same goes for coaches. You hire the best guy.
So for the affirmative action types out there--just give it time. A couple of decades ago there was racism in coaching. People simply weren't hired because of the color of their skin.
But over time, teams started hiring minority position coaches, now they're hiring minority coordinators---the system will naturally bring them up. If someone is successful as a coordinator, they'll get a small college head coaching job. If they're successful there, they'll move up.
Just don't tell me that people need to be hired based on the color of their skin--it is degrading to people of all color and ethnicity.
'tis the Season for Over-rated/Under-rated...
Over-rated: Angels on the tops of trees.
Under-rated: Midgets on the tops of trees.
I place midget jokes alongside mullet jokes...the lowest possible form of comedy. However--the idea of walking into a room and seeing a midget on the top of a tree is beautiful to me...
Over-rated: Elf
Under-rated: Home Alone
Maybe if the producers of this movie hadn't pulled a Medellin and put every entertaining part of Elf in the preview it wouldn't have sucked so much. Aside from that, Home Alone I and II (there were no other Home Alones, is that clear??) are two of the top 100 movies of all-time.
Over-rated: Celebrating Quanza, Hanukkah, Festivus and Chrismukah
Under-rated: Not burning in hell.
Pick a faith and go with it. Even Democrats can get religion straight...
(Oh--FYI--one of the Arnolds emailed me yesterday to tell me that SHE is presently pretending to be Jewish so she can use some Jewish gym...PURE class...)
Over-rated: Writing "X-Mas"
Under-rated: Realizing that the "Christ" part of the holiday is somewhat important.
Little known fact: Christmas is NOT the celebration of Santa Claus' birthday.
Over-rated: Ham
Under-rated: Everything but ham.
Please Lord let me avoid this disgusting meat this holiday season.
Over-rated: Prancer
Under-rated: Blitzen
How the F did PRANCER get a movie made after him? Shouldn't the ad-wizards have realized that BLITZEN is one of the more badass names a reindeer could have. Screw it--I'm naming my first born Blitzen.
Over-rated: The Transiberian Orchestra
Under-rated: The local children's choir
I saw "TO" (as their fans call them) and I genuinely fell asleep. Sorry...little kids singing Silent Night makes me feel a little more Christmasy than Rob Zombie-esque bass riffs.
Over-rated: Pretending to be unique because you "always" watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation on Christmas Eve.
Under-rated: Realizing that you don't know the movie as well as McCaw and I.
"Have a REALLY, MERRY, CHRISTMAS" Who says it? Don't know?? YOU LOSE!
Over-rated: Hanging the big multi-colored bulb lights on your house.
Under-rated: Avoiding social activity with people who hang the big multi-colored bulb lights on their house.
I mean--really??? Isn't that up there with a waterbed and a "Who Farted?" hat on the list of things that you never want one of your friends to own??
Over-rated: Carol of the Bells
Under-rated: THIS!
I'm on a mission to convince TBS to air that 33 second clip on a 24-hour loop right before they start showing A Christmas Story on Christmas Eve. Speaking of which...
Over-rated: A Christmas Story
Under-rated: Questioning what the hell time period that movie was set in.
It is a Christmas-classic...but it sits a ways down on my Christmas movie list (note--this is a ranking of their importance during the Christmas season--not on the quality of the movie, which can be noted in my All-time Top 100):
1. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
2. Miracle on 34th Street (New)
3. Home Alone II
4. It's a Wonderful Life
5. Home Alone
6. A Flintstone Christmas (but NOT A Flintstone Christmas CAROL)
7. Die Hard
8. Love Actually
9. Die Hard II
10. A Christmas Story
Over-rated: Milk and Cookies for Santa
Under-rated: Bringing back the Coke/Pepsi Challenge
My brother and I extrapolated that and put out a new soda challenge every year. One year it was about five types of Orange Soda. That morning, we looked out on the frosty lawn and saw Santa's lifeless corpse, struck dead from an insulin shortage.
Over-rated: Mouthwash for your stocking
Under-rated: Infrared goggles for your stalking
What better time of year to ensure that your ex-girlfriend can be seen through her window even at night.
Christmas Mailbag this week?? I need some questions...
mcflyblogs@gmail.com
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