10.2.07

Vegas Blow-by-Blow...




This is another recap from Las Vegas. This time it was a personal trip with a few buddies...theoretically, this would mean a little more madness.

Turns out...notsomuch...

First off, it was a phenomenally tame trip. Secondly, I was so into the game between my Colorado Rockies and the Padres last night, that my editing job was about as efficient as motivated as the Mets in September. But who cares--phenomenal baseball game and the assurance that there are FOUR teams in the National League playoffs that you feel comfortable rooting for...and...hmm...ZERO in the American League.

I'm going to be honest--I'm rooting for the Yankees to come out of the American League. I despise all four organizations, but like more players on the Yankees (two: Jeter, Joba) than any of the other teams. Just a miserable American League lineup.

But I digest...

I guess that is about all the intro I need for the Vegas blog. It may be amusing, but certainly wasn't mind-blowingly unique. Oh--and this was REALLY long. Now it is only "long". I've tried to cut out as much as possible...


9:59 AM Friday: after fighting a cold/flu all week, I went into the office today, even though I took the day off to go to Vegas.
But here is the thing: I feel fine. I don't have much energy, but I feel fine.
So I'm presently in my driveway, realizing that against the VERY good advice of the Boo and my parents, I'm about to drive to Vegas. (I have shortened my trip to one day from two...so what the heck---you guys are along for the whole trip.)


10:08: oh--only 2 of the six guys I'm meeting know I'm coming. I keep responding to mass emails saying that I hate them all for getting to go. I predict the over/under for amount of time that they're excited that I'm there at approximately 36 seconds.


10:35: I just dropped something at the Boo's office before leaving. She thinks I'm completely nuts...she's probably right. But she has no idea how hot the chicks are at Circus! Circus!

11:09: I made it to the 15 Freeway. I'm not going to speed much---I mean---for a cop, wouldn't you just sit here between LA and Las Vegas every Friday? This freeway has to be like shooting fish in a barrel on Fridays. No--it is easier than that...it is like shooting a barrel. No---it is even easier---it is like standing somewhere in the vicinity of a barrel. (Thanks, Todd Barry.)


11:18: I hit a wall of traffic at Ontario...but in listening to ESPN radio, I heard the Lakers' Ad where they have the sound of Kobe hitting a game-winning shot...but here's the thing--the voice is Kevin Callabro...I miss Washington radio...


Got to love Callabro. The only person who has ever gotten away with shouting "TWO IN THE CAKE AND ONE IN THE PUDDIN'" over the radio...

11:31: Okay--the radio is out. I'm going to try to listen to Christian Rock the whole way in...a little cleansing/Godliness can't hurt before a Vegas trip. (It's like waking up and the morning and pounding half a bottle of Imodium AD--you know--just in case you eat something bad...)


11:45: I'm at 4000 feet and may be losing my mind from the lack of oxygen--but what ever happened to that red haired guy from American Idol who did the Dean Martin Impressions? He was awful.
And he may be the only American Idol semifinalist in history not to get some sort of physical contact out of the deal...

11:52: I just had to move my wallet out of my back pocket because it was getting uncomfortable...won't be an issue on the way home because it will be at least an inch thinner.

11:56: "WORD OF GOD SPEAK!
Would you pour down down like rain,
Washing my eyes to see,
Your MAJESTY!
Word of God speak..."

12:02: I just passed some extreme trailer with a sticker of Calvin on an atv, knocking over another brand of atv. I think I can say with a fair amount of confidence that if you own (or have owned) a vehicle with a Calvin sticker, we're probably not going to have much in common.

12:22: Pee/gas stop in Barstow the only "City" between LA and Vegas. I'm not saying this is a depressing town, but the city's motto is "Come for gas and food, stay for crack and a subhuman existence."

12:26: Came into this stop 7 minutes ahead of schedule...leaving 6 minutes behind. The timer on my GPS system ruins roadtrips for me---I get depressed every time I stop. (Thousands of people die in Africa every day of AIDS, and I get depressed that the clock on my GPS says I'm due in 6 minutes later than it did when I got in the car.)

12:35: 246 km to the Vegas!! (In a related story, you can ask NBMW--Metric jokes will NEVER get old to me.)

1:03: people always tell horror stories about the 15 getting jammed out of Vegas. Well there is a three-mile backup from a 40 ft. Lane closure going the other way. How is the most-frequently-travelled weekend trip (LA to Vegas) in the United States still only two lanes? That would be as short-sighted as putting the baseball playoffs on TBS--but there's no way that that would happen...

1:24: passing through Death Valley and I'm gathering from the billboards that the Monte Carlo really needs me to go see Dave Burton. (Note: The more signs you see in California for a Las Vegas show, the less likely you are to enjoy that show.) (Second note: There are 14,000 signs for Louis Anderson on this highway.)

1:25: Baker, CA has the world's tallest thermometer---this is at least 40x cooler than the world's largest egg.

2:01: Crossing the Nevada state line is what I imagine orientation at hell to be like. Every possible temptation presents itself in about 8 seconds: gambling, booze, strippers, thrill rides, premium gas...but if you look around you see nothing but uninhabitable desert. It screams, "might as well sin---you got nothin' better to do!!"

2:11: The Gold Strike casino--about ten miles from the border--is offering free denim shirts if you get a 4 of a kind or better on video poker...every cell in my body wants to stop to win that denim shirt--but I don't know how to turn off cruise-control.

2:20: Back-to-back billboards: Penn and Teller and then one for a place where you can try out automatic weapons. (I have so many "combine-the-two-billboard" jokes that I can't spit out out...

2:22: Strip in sight...my craps hand just started twitching...

2:29: Coming in from the highway, you can see how far away the Palms is from the strip. Finally explains that one time I went there to collect on a $50 football bet and spent $60 on cabs...

3:01: We're staying at the Flamingo Hilton, which in Strip terms is like saying you live in south central South Central Los Angeles. Parking for the place is free, but the structure is in the alley between the Flamingo and O'Shays---so I'd estimate the odds of my car being there when I wake up to be somewhere in the area of zero percent.

3:14: I finally find check-in and it turns out that Silli (one of the costars of today's story) didn't leave my name as he said he would...therefore I can't get into the room. Awesome.

3:27: I have to come clean to Silli about coming here---so I've decided to attempt a reverse-reversal. Russia wanted to be the only one who knew that I was coming. Now he's going to be the only one who is under the impression that I am not coming, as I've instructed Silli to tell him that I was lying to him when I said he was coming.

3:36: Finally, via the magic of phone, email and text reach Silli and convince the front desk that there are only 4 of us staying here and get into the room. Okay--i spoke too soon on the Hilton. HUGE room with kitchen/living area. This may be the new way to do the Vegas...cold cuts and cereal in the fridge alone could mean a savings of $80/person for the weekend.

4:06: Laid down on the bed to attempt a nap before Butt gets here. Broken sleep...now I'm groggy.
Might as well introduce you to the characters as I have a minute:
Silli: known him since I was three---met everyone else (his college friends) through him---though I speak to them much more frequently.
Butt: just met him this summer. He is called Butt for blog purposes because this summer when we were all at Silli's cabin, he stood on the boat with the support-pole for the boat's window in his ass-crack for roughly 30 minutes while we all sat and laughed...I assume upon reading this, he'll finally become aware of the story.
Russia: my Russian friend. We squabble frequently and actually met because of a reply-all chain that Todd sent out once. (I think I meet half of the people I know via an Internet connection.)
Longballs: the only engaged person on the trip. (Note: I've never seen his balls.)

"Tom" (In other words, I don't have a nickname for him.): I've never met him, but this is his first Team Trip to my knowledge...he should spice up an already homoerotic energy we have going.

4:59: Butt arrives, we both shower (separately) and are headed to the strip...every time I do this it feels like I'm running down the tunnel at a football game. (Except I'm only 99% certain I'm going to come back with multiple lacerations to internal organs.

5:22: First Drink of the trip---a plastic-bottled Miller Lite from the corner-mart. Delish.

(Inert about three hours of downtime that included a couple of casino tours, a dinner at the Mirage, and wandering back to the room to meet the other guys. Then it gets slightly more interesting.)


8:21: Within three or four minutes of them arriving, I find out that Silli--whom I've known virtually my whole life--uses women's deodorant.


8:50: Bellagio for blackjack...I'm winning a little--everyone else is even...then in comes the closer. I start dropping Simmons-esque "Mariano Rivera" lines...we'll just say it didn't end well.


9:10: Note: If you walk up to the craps table and ask the roller their name and they give you an obviously fictitious name, you're in deep, deep trouble.



10:05: Three of the guys are talking about going to LAX at the Luxor. They're talking about DJ AM, whom I've never heard of. I ask if he's as good as DJ Jazzy Jeff. Silli seems really excited that this guy is actually going to be there saying, "you could touch him." (I think this is the moment in the evening when you could declare Silli, Russia and Tom's evening "a little creepy.")


10:27: The urinal cakes at the Bellagio look exactly like the cheese wedges from Mousetrap.


10:39: Some jr. promotor is handing out passes to some club on the strip. When he approaches me, I say, "I loved you in Backstreet." Fortunately, he didn't get it.


11:57: I can't be the only person in Las Vegas who instinctively starts panicking about this time, realizing that I'm the only person in the bar who won't have someone to kiss at midnight.



12:03: Longballs, Butt and I discover "Video Roulette. " This has to be the biggest sham in Vegas. We ponied up and played the two-dollar minimum on "50/50" (actually 9/19) bets and all had about seven drinks in an hour, without losing a dime. Beautiful. (Well--I didn't lose a dime.)


12:27: Why do I insist on being the ass that makes friends with the neighbors that insist on ordering me a Jager Bomb?

12:29: Butt and I are debating the Wobbly H vs the Eiffel tower across the video roulette table.


12:59: I've decided 11 to 12:30 are peak drink hours from scantily-clad hostesses. Once you're drunk they come less frequently with stiffer drinks.


1:00: Butt has played the best game of rope a dope I've ever seen. He's been playing video roulette for 2.5 hours (he found it before us) and he just said "blog this" as he dropped his whole bet on a number, and in Ruthian style, nailed it. I think he broke even. (Note: Longballs started with $100...was at $110 and getting bored. He went all or nothing on red and it hit black. He doesn't seem too concerned though...)



(Worth mentioning: at Dinner II (with the whole crew) we were discussing how priceless it would be at a business lunch to order Jager on the rocks. At this point in the evening, Longballs and I realize that that is precisely what Butt has been drinking for the past two hours.)

(Also worth mentioning: Butt brought his last one home--added water to it--then tryied to convince us it was whiskey. Sorry dude. We're drunk, but that is disgusting.)


1:07: Walking by a guy handing out flyers, I ask, "Is that for hookers?", he responds, "Uh...(shrugs)...yeah."


1:48: We get back to our room and without a moment of discussion, Longballs and Butt are both in the giant jacuzzi tub in our room. Yes, they're wearing boardshorts...but this is probably the first time in my life that I've been the only person in a hotel room not hooking up and been happy about it...



2:33: I attempt to lay on the ground and sleep, having conceded I'm not getting one of the beds. I have been wearing a pair of shoes all night that hurt my feet brutally. It genuinely feels like someone is stepping on the tops of my feet and my ankles. Or maybe I'm plastered.



6:07: Russia (who had returned to the room about two hours previous) attempts to take the blanket off of me as I'm sleeping on (and underneath) it. I can't decide if he doesn't notice I'm under it or whether he just doesn't care.



6:40: I'm still awake from my Russian attack. I am 90% confident at this point that I'm not going to fall back to sleep.


7:06: Right as I was about to give in to being awake, I hear Russia mumble, "I don't know if she was a hooker--but she was very nice. But hey--Tom was the one who bought all of the champagne." I wake up to try to get a better story...but I'm pretty sure Russia is talking in his sleep.


7:40: I shower and head for the store of the hotel. I have 4+ hours of driving ahead of me off of three hours of sleep. What's for breakfast? Diet coke and Pop-tarts...perfect.

8:10: I need some deep-thinking on this trip...right now I'm recounting last night's alcohol consumption...ii am pretty sure it was 13 beers and a jager bomb...not bad for Vegas.


8:15: The Gold Strike Casino has another beautiful sign on the readerboard: "Hot Slots--JESUS WON $2,003,719!!!!" (No joke necessary.)

I continued taking notes on the blackberry for the next three hours...none of them really turned out funny (as though the previous observations were...)

The only thing worth printing...

While I was listening to Paul Simon's Graceland, I realized for about the 700th time that Paul Simon considers "lasers in the jungle" to be the end of civilization as we know it.

Which leads me to the exciting conclusion...




11:57: Just as I pull into my parking spot I receive the following text from Silli: "DUDE--You missed Russia's story about emailing the hooker from last night at 4 am."





Okay...so it wasn't the most-wild evening in the history of Las Vegas--or even a mildly interesting one...but the era of text-messaging (and apparently blogging) ensures that NOTHING that happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...

9.28.07

Road Rage...

I'm not sure that I can do this scene justice, but I'll try.
Near my house, there is a road that was once three lanes, but is now functioning as two because of construction. When you reach the intersection, the left lane is left-turn-only, the right lane goes straight (or right). Obviously, this is a traffic nightmare because everyone drives in the left lane and then realizes that they have to turn left and then fight to get over.

This morning, I was first in line in the right lane, and noticed as the left-turn-arrow went green that the Mercedes in the lane next to me DID NOT want to turn left. So I swerve a little, and she jets out into the intersection, trying to make room for the car behind her to turn left---but doesn't do a very good job. The Tahoe behind her had no chance to get through and let the Mercedes through via horn, finger, and a rolled-down window/screaming.

So my light turns green, the Mercedes goes in front of me, and I'm on my way. But upon looking in my mirror, I notice that the Tahoe is trying to pull the same move the Mercedes did--getting out of the the turn lane.

REALLY?? You're going to have a Tourette's meltdown and you've made the same mistake? Easy Benedict Arnold...


Movie (Idea) of the Year...

I haven't seen it yet, but The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters looks like a shoe-in for best picture. (Not to mention that the filmmaker is none other than former UW Center and current ESPN Football analyst, Ed Cunningham.)

TV Wrap-up...

I'm functioning a day behind, so I haven't watched The Office or Always Sunny in Philadelphia...but here is my thoughts on what I HAVE seen...

House: While the show gets 14 points in the positive for ridding my life of Omar Epps---this "scripted doctor Survivor" thing they're doing this season looks dumber than the LA County Court System when dealing with celebrities...
I'll give it two more weeks...I don't see it going well...

Dirty Sexy Money: Okay--I'm not going to declare it the best new show of '07 because it is an hour-long show in the Wednesday at 10 pm slot on ABC. (Last year I did that with The Nine and we all know how that ended...) But you have to put this on your DVR list. It has everything good about Entourage (rich people wasting money, hot chicks, witty banter) with the added bonus of---get this---PLOT! In the first episode--which was merely introductions--we found out that the Darling family consists of the following:

Tripp: The rich father, played by Donald Sutherland--the most hateably fantastic actor in Hollywood.
Letitia: The crazy adulteress mother, played by Jill Claybaugh--who somehow hosted SNL TWICE in the 70s...
Patrick: (Played by a washed-up Billy Baldwin) A senatorial candidate who is having an affair with a transvestite.
Karen: (Unknown Actress) In love with the lawyer/main-character, and somehow engaged to a PGA Pro (who I believe is based on Fred Couples) that is played by the pansy that was Kelli's lawyer boyfriend on 90210.
Jeremy: The coke-snorting socialite circus.
Brian: The pastor with the illegitimate child.
And of course...
Juliet: (Played by Samaire Armstrong--the hot short-haired blond from The OC and Entourage) Clearly based on Paris Hilton...

All told, they followed the recent recipe for hour-long shows: USE ESTABLISHED FILM ACTORS AND PEOPLE WILL WATCH! (See: 24, CSI: Miami, Boston Legal, etc...)
Again--I'm not going to go overboard on this---but probably has enough star-power/smut to be the Desperate Housewives of this season...and could potentially be just good enough to keep that time slot afloat for ABC until LOST comes back in February.

Picks...

Huskies:

Big underdog at home vs. USC:
Sadly, it is USC in a walk. The best linebackers in the country (even with an injury) will expose exactly how young and one-dimensional UW is.
USC Wins: 48-14

Loggers:

The Loggers are a 2 point underdog at arch-rival PLU. Last year, PLU ROBBED UPS of their second-straight victory in the series. This year, the Logger rushing attack is just too much for a weak PLU defense.
Loggers win: 26-17, and Frosty is raped by Bigfoot (or so I hope.)

Game(s) of the Week:

#5 West Virginia at #18 South Florida (tonight):
It is being pumped as a "payback" game for West Virginia, as South Florida upset the Mountaineers a year ago and robbed them of a run at the BCS Championship Game.
I think West Virginia knocks South Florida off in Tampa this year--but above anything, this game will show a national audience precisely how far behind the rest of the country the Big East is--which is to say, A LONG WAY.
WVU Wins: 39-24.

#6 Cal at #11 Oregon:
Arguably the two best offenses in the COUNTRY. (I think USC and LSU have more tools than both these teams---but just don't put up the yards...) Obviously it is going to be a shoot-out, and while Autzen is the toughest place in the Pac-10 to play, I just don't have as much faith in Oregon as everyone else does.
Cal Wins: 44-31.

9.27.07

27 Candles...

Last night I wrote this three times. Now I'm sitting at my kitchen table writing it for the second time this morning.

A little short of five months ago I lost a dear friend. And today, on what would have been Brian's 27th birthday, I find myself reliving the morning that I heard the news all over again.
I've realized that I don't have the words to properly eulogize him, so I won't bother trying too hard...I'll just offer you something to think about:

We determine our own legacies. Brian's will forever be that at the moment he died, everyone he loved knew that he loved them. Both his parents, both his siblings, his cousins, and his friends---we all knew he loved us because he constantly took the time to care. He remembered to remember.

What will your legacy be?

9.26.07

C.O.L.D. +

The fate of today's blog is sealed--it isn't happening. The fear is that the fate of Monday's blog (supposed to be Vegas Journal II) is in deeper jeopardy.

Shockingly--in five nights that probably equated to 20 hours of sleep, shaking approximately 150 hands, getting on four flights, and then sharing a house with 15 guys got me infected with the C.O.L.D. virus, and now Vegas is a 30/70 proposition.

More on this in a second...

More Fall TV...

I watched the DVR'd Big Bang last night.

Just a note: No chick is hot enough to carry a show this bad--particularly a show this bad with laugh-track. What is sad is that there have been good shows (Newsradio, The Nine, The Dana Carvey Show) that have been cancelled---and this show will make it because it is sandwiched between How I Met Your Mother and Two and a Half Men (which I've never seen, but is the top comedy on TV.) That just doesn't seem fair to me...

House was DVR'd last night, and Dirty, Sexy Money tonight--I'll keep you posted...

Despicable...

The fashion designer that bought Barry Bonds record-breaking baseball is giving it to the Hall of Fame with an asterisk (as opposed to an "asterix" as most people call it) on it.

1. Since when do fashion designers have a say over baseball?
2. Since when does the American public have a say over baseball?

Here's a scenario I want you all to think about:

Let's say there is a small church--we'll call it "Joe's Church"--with a small, committed congregation. The church recognizes Christian ideals, which includes a general, but not specific belief that people shouldn't have sex before they're married.

Several members of the congregation take heed to this belief--but the vast majority do not. Meanwhile, one of the members of Joe's church has built a remarkable political career, coasting from local offices to the House of Representatives to become one of the most influential members of the US Senate--we'll call him Steve. Steve is close with the pastor of the church and many of the elders of the church. Everyone in the church loves him and respects him--whether he believes in the sex-before-marriage stance or not (which he's never made clear.)

Years later, Joe's Church takes on a radical transformation because of Steve's popularity and success, and becomes a national, super-church. It has members in every major city in every state, and has 30 locations spread around the country. With this growth, the country takes on the belief of the church and begins to believe in the sex-before-marriage stance.

Now Steve, long-since married, and still an upstanding member of the founding parish of the church decides to run for President. He wins on the strength of his standing in the church and his unending support of his pastor--who is one of the most-influential opinions in the country.

However--after election, several reports come out that there is a chance that Steve had sex before he was married.

With that---despite all of the accusers and supporters of the accusers having not been members of the church at the time the supposed acts took place---and despite Steve winning the Presidency fairly---the general public is calling for him to be impeached on grounds of perjury...even if the "laws" he may be perjuring himself on are those of the church and not of the country.

Does this seem fair?



Okay--maybe it isn't a perfect example.

Maybe it isn't even close.

But you get the point: Baseball recognizes Barry Bonds as the all-time home run leader and recognizes that steroids--while undesirable--were a major part of the game for a very long time---and it is entirely inappropriate for non-baseball-people to attempt to punish someone for rules that didn't exist when he broke them.


Some Thoughts on Colds...

Let's say I've averaged 2.5 colds/year since I was born. That would put me at somewhere in the area of 65 colds--so I consider myself somewhat of an expert (as I'm sure you all do.)

Here are some generally accepted facts about the common cold/minor flu that I've determined to be untrue:

"Rest is Important": No--SLEEP is important. I genuinely believe that a lot of two-day colds are stretched to three and four-day colds because people just sit around all day, not allowing their body to rebuild strength and energy.
And additional to that--there are (by my count) only three ways to work bad things out of your body: poop, pee and sweat. This is why feeding yourself and getting a lot of fluids are important--but also why light exercise is important when you have a cold. Believe me--a little sweat goes a long way in ridding you of germs and building energy. (Of course you probably picked up the cold in the gym to begin with...so this may be bunk.)

The Ginger Ale parable: Why do people drink ginger ale when they're sick? That's like drinking gasoline when you're on fire. Don't dehydrate yourself any further, dummy.

"I've already had it" and/or "Oh--you got that cold that's been going around": Yeah--because there is only one strand of flu. Simple viruses never mutate. Ever.

"Theraflu is magic": No it isn't. It isn't the medicine in Theraflu that saves you--remember, there is no cure for the cold--it is the act of drinking hot fluid that saves you. It makes you sleepy, sweaty, and feels good on a sore throat. All of those things help you get over your illness.

"Get plenty of Vitamin C": This is the biggest BS of all. I took five packets of EmergenC yesterday--roughly 50,000 times my recommended daily allotment of this crap vitamin---and I'm worse-off than I was a day ago. If this is the best thing that science has come up with, I pity those of you who only get your recommended 100% every day---you'll have the plague any day now...


Comments?

They can be sent to mcflyblogs@gmail.com or to Jesus.

9.25.07

Fall TV Lineup...

I'm certainly not one of those neo-intellectuals who thinks that they are profound and deep because they tell people that they, "don't watch much TV." Bullsh*t. You're just like me--you watch TV all of the time--you just don't watch anything in particular. In fact--TV in general is so bad right now that with the Sopranos going off of the air, LOST is the only non-sports show that I actually schedule around--and it doesn't even come back on the air until February.

However...in an effort to keep this blog relevant, I'm going to use the magic of DVR to try to watch some of the top shows. Here they are:

Family Guy: Now--I guess it is a public admission that I'm a Star Wars geek, but I thought Sunday's premiere was one of the top three episodes in the show's history. Beginning with the opening scene where the CBS Golf Team is talking about how hot Amy Mickelson is during a golf telecast, referencing the size of her rack and how many golf balls she can fit in her mouth---stretching all of the way to the Empire not shooting-down the escape pod with R2D2 and C3P0 in it because budget cuts were limiting the amount of lasers they used. (Note: Family Guy is the closest thing to a "schedule-around" show I can think of---just absolutely the funniest show on television.

Curb Your Enthusiasm: After cancelling the show, bringing Larry back to life, and then reviving it 18 months later, this show has become more convoluted than the Brady Bunch. Quality is down, ridiculousness is up but it doesn't matter because it is a) hilarious, and b) has the hottest 40+ year-old on television. It has found its way off of the schedule-around list--but is ABSOLUTELY a weekly watch.

How I Met Your Mother: Okay--this show is still too entertaining to stop watching, but gets more and more gay every episode. The big thing that I don't understand is how Ted continues to get outrageously hot chicks despite being a complete tool. First it was the hooker/paralegal, then it was Victoria (easily the hottest), then of course Robin, and now last night, Mandy Moore. It really brings down the beauty of Neil Patrick Harris (a homosexual) playing the ultimate a**hole.

House: I loved this show in the first season when it was a Law and Order-style "watch one episode here and there and not have to worry about plot-development" kind of show. Then it got popular, they started underlying themes, and it all went to crap.
However...Omar Epps was written out of the show--so I'm back in.

Others I'm trying to watch to stay hip:
The Office
Gang Bang (or Big Bang or something)


Any other suggestions?



Learn Something...

I'm tired of hearing that "Sports isn't News". That's ludicrous.

If you don't want to watch sports, fine.

If you think that other things are more important than sports, fine.



But Sports IS News. In fact--sports is more relevant than many allow it to be. This was most-recently brought to my attention by my former-roommate who mentioned how angry his dad became at a dinner party when someone had never heard of Ty Cobb.

It brings up a decent point though--there are people in sports that EVERYONE should know. Just like EVERYONE should know whether or not someone has been President of the United States. (For the record, my friend Tom--a political science major and a professional lobbyist once bet me that Chester A. Arthur was NOT a US President. Poor Tom...)

SO...


Here is a list of people you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO RECOGNIZE BY NAME. Maybe they're an all-time great, maybe they're news-worthy, maybe Stuart Scott would call them "Now." But whatever the reason for their fame--this is the BARE-MINIMUM of people you can attach a sport to upon hearing their name. So if you don't recognize one of them, LOOK THEM UP!



By sport... (And note that the number of people listed is in direct correlation to the social relevance of the sport.)

(Oh--PLEASE send further suggestions to me...I'm sure I left some people off.)


Baseball

Hank Aaron

Johnny Bench

Yogi Berra

Barry Bonds

Roger Clemens

Roberto Clemente

Ty Cobb

Joe Dimaggio

Carlton Fisk

Lou Gehrig

Ken Griffey Jr.

Joe Jackson

Sandy Kolfax

Greg Maddux

Mickey Mantle

Willie Mays

Cal Ripken

Jackie Robinson

Alex Rodriguez

Pete Rose

Ozzie Smith

George Steinbrenner

Babe Ruth

Ted Williams

Cy Young


Basketball

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Lew Alcindor

Carmello Anthony

Red Auerbach

Charles Barkley

Rick Barry

Len Bias

Sam Bowie

Kobe Bryant

Wilt Chamberlain

Bob Cousy

Kevin Durant

Julius Erving

Patrick Ewing

Phil Jackson

Lebron James

Earvin “Magic” Johnson

Michael Jordan

Bobby Knight

Mike Krzyzewski

Christian Laettner

Karl Malone

Moses Malone

Pete Maravich

Greg Oden

Hakeem Olajuwan

Shaquille O’Neal

Scottie Pippen

Oscar Robertson

Dennis Rodman

Bill Russell

John Stockton

Isaiah Thomas

Dick Valvano

Dick Vitale

Bill Walton

Dwayne Wade

John Wooden





Football



Marcus Allen

Tom Brady

Jim Brown

Reggie Bush

Dick Butkus

Terry Bradshaw

Paul "Bear" Bryant

Mike Ditka

John Elway

Brett Favre

Vince Lombardi

Ronnie Lott

John Madden

Dan Marino

Peyton Manning

Randy Moss

Joe Namath

Joe Paterno

Walter Payton

Bill Parcells

Ahmad Rashad

Jerry Rice

Barry Sanders

Deion Sanders

Bo Schembechler

OJ Simpson

Emmitt Smith
Roger Staubach

Lawrence Taylor

Jim Thorpe

Ladanian Tomlinson

Brian Urlacher

Michael Vick

Reggie White

(Note: I didn't include Vince Young on this list--but he is darn close. I still hold a grudge for his childish "It's obvious that the voters weren't watching my games" comments after he lost the '05 Heisman to perhaps the best college football player of his generation in Reggie Bush...but I absolutely believe that this guy is the real deal. CLEARLY the best player of that draft at this point.)

(Oh--I also didn't include Mike Gundy on that list.)

Hockey



Wayne Gretzky

Mario Lemiuex

Bobby Orr



Golf


Ben Hogan

Bobby Jones

Jack Nicklaus

Phil Mickelson

Arnold Palmer

Gary Player

Brett Schlameus

Payne Stewart

Tom Watson

Tiger Woods

Babe Didrickson-Zaharias



Soccer



Beckham
Pele



Tennis



Andre Agassi

Arthur Ashe

Bjorn Borg

Chris Evert

Roger Federer

Billy Jean King

Anna Kournikova

John McEnroe

Martina Navratilova

Pete Sampras

Maria Sharapova

Serena Williams

Venus Williams



NASCAR

Dale Earnhardt

Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Jeff Gordon

Richard Petty



Cycling



(Sorry--I said SPORTS.)



Boxing



Muhammad Ali

Cassius Clay

Evander Holyfield

Oscar De la Hoya

Roberto Duran

Joe Frazier

Sugar Ray Leonard

Joe Louis

Rocky Marciano

Sugar Ray Robinson

Mike Tyson

9.24.07

Bachelor Party Wrap-up

Two points on my friend Pablo's bachelor party:

1) When I was in college, my dad--being ultimately understanding of virtually any behavior of my friends--would occasionally ask if any of my friends smoked--to which I could happily say, "No."
Well--there were app. 13 of us there this weekend. 3 of us didn't even consider touching a cigarette--yet I'd still estimate the average intake (us included) at over 40 cigarettes/person this weekend. Foul.

2) People have always considered me mature for some reason. Yes--I'm 27, don't own a home, and just spent an entire Saturday night watching guys light their farts on fire and taking pride in an unprecedented nine-straight victories at Robopound.
Yeah--I OOZE maturity.

Football Wrap

1. How is my Green Bay to the playoffs pick looking?

2. I take a week off picking UPS' and UW's games and they both come out looking like they not only didn't have a game-plan, but may not have had one at all. (Which in UW's case is probably likely...)

3. McFly's Updated Top Ten:

1. USC
2. LSU
3. (t) Florida
3. (t) California
5. Oklahoma
6. Ohio State
7. West Virginia
8. Wisconsin
9. Boston College
10. Texas

Notes: Cal looks great...don't look now but Florida-Ohio State back in the National Championship isn't entirely impossible...Michigan is back on track and could still win the Big 10...Kentucky has some harsh reality coming...Louisville has the spine of a paramecium...Seeing what his backup did, there is an OUTSIDE CHANCE that Colt Brennan is a system quarterback...

Underplayed...

Today's 80s song to give another listen:

Heart, Alone

Why? a) it is a good song by a very good band and b) it fits the perfect 80s formula:

Keyboard + Slow Beginning + Cymbal Crash + Rising Action + Hard Rocking Chorus that makes drunk guys lean their heads back to sing + random yelling = SUPER HIT

When you have that combination, the lyrics don't really matter.

To that point--Your Love by the Outfield is quickly reaching Tiny Dancer status in the "Song that wasn't appreciated before but is now becoming the cliched cult-classic" category. I give it 2 months before this song officially jumps the shark and becomes the favorite of groups of 5-7 girls who go up on stage at a karaoke bar and just kind of laugh at each other. (Note: it isn't annoying at all when girls do that.)

Dual Confession...

Two reasons this blog is so short and uncreative:

A) I'm having computer issues and the blog I wrote on the plane last night is impossible to access.

B) My body has been running on nothing but alcohol and Ritz crackers this weekend, and I've been averaging about 4.5 hours of sleep for the past week...YOU TRY TO BE FUNNY UNDER THESE CONDITIONS!!!!!!!


Comments?

Shove them up your $#@.

9.21.07

COME ON!

Seven people have contacted me about guest-blogging---but I've only had two submissions. One was posted, and the other was so vile that it was almost genius.

The Morning Jog

I don't have time to write a proper blog this morning, but I will tell you this: There are few things more entertaining than seeing a hooker being escorted off of Treasure Island's property at 5 AM.

We'll just say:
Barefoot
Flailing
Several drops of, "YOU DON'T OWN THIS HOTEL!"
A few more drops of "Biatch."
One drop of, "That uniform don't make you the boss of me!"
More flailing.
More barefoot stamping.


Okay---back to normal next week.

Have a good weekend!!

9.20.07

Las Vegas...24 Hours at a Time...

Let me preface this by saying that I am not a Vegas-lover. In fact--I'd probably go so far as to say that I'm a Vegas-hater---but it is undoubtedly the most uniquely cliched city in the world.

I do have to admit that there is something about this place---but it doesn't come out when you're one of the masses, limping from casino to casino, on your 19th drink and last dime...it comes clear when you're here on a convention, in a moderately-sober capacity.

You see things that you wouldn't normally see and hear things that you normally wouldn't here---basically because you're normally the one creating the sights and sounds. It is for this reason that I think that today's blog will be vastly superior to the one I post a week from Monday, chronicling the same 24 hour period that starts a VACATION in this dreadful place.

With so many distractions in this city, I thought it was important to site my favorite Godfather quote about business to keep me focused on work--as it was never more appropo--

"There was this kid I grew up with - he was younger than me. Sorta looked up to me - you know. We did our first work together - worked our way out of the street. Things were good, we made the most of it. During Prohibition - we ran molasses into Canada - made a fortune - you father, too. As much as anyone, I loved him - and trusted him. Later on he had an idea - to build a city out of a desert stop-over for GI's on the way to the West Coast. That kid's name was Moe Green - and the city he invented was Las Vegas. This was a great man - a man of vision and guts. And there isn't even a plaque - or a signpost - or a statue of him in that town! Someone put a bullet through his eye. No one knows who gave the order - when I heard it, I wasn't angry; I knew Moe - I knew he was head-strong, talking loud, saying stupid things. So when he turned up dead - I let it go. And I said to myself, this is the business we've chosen - I didn't ask who gave the order - because it had nothing to do with business!"
-Hyman Roth

(Note--I cut/paste that for accuracy, as I was certain I'd butcher it. Nope--I would have screwed up maybe three words---probably my favorite movie quote of all-time.)

Anyway...here goes something... (And I apologize for the sporadic times--I can't very well blog while in meetings---and am unprofessional, but still unwilling to divulge the details of them by memory.) (And I further apologize for not having that much fun on this trip. Most of you will finish this reading by saying that I'm a giant pansy--but I can live with that...)

7:55 Tuesday. I've heard it said that a trip to Vegas begins the moment you board the plane to the desert---so I figured that was an appropriate time to begin chronicling Part I of McFly's Vegas Adventures: The Convention.


7:56. There is a book sitting on the control panel of the jetway entitled, "Secret Rapture"--it is a grocery store smut novel. I'm thinking the author blew it in not naming it "Secret Raptor", the erotic love story of a shy carnivorous dinosaur.

7:59. There is a guy on my flight with his pregnant wife that looks 14. I'm not saying he looks youthful, I'm saying he looks 14. Dress him in sweats instead of a suit, you'd immediately call him "Timmy.". Tell me this---is this guy's wife a pedophile because she's attracted to someone who LOOKS 14??


8:21. I think that USAir has given us the pleasure of a Vegas-based crew. I was asleep during takeoff to hear them announce that (which is a terrible idea coming out of John Wayne--waking up on a plane in middair without hearing the engines running is more than a little disconcerting--but I digress) that is the case---but "Linda" screams "Vegas". I don't know if it is
A) the eleven pounds of Maybeline on her face
B) darker roots than the Olympic National Forest
C) the off-color, oblong pearls
Or
D) the forehead that resembles the floormats of a '78 oldsmobile

But something is telling me she spends a bit too much time in this city.

8:38. I'm typing this on my blackberry and realizing that at the rate its battery has been draining, this may be chronicling my first HOUR in the City of Sincerity.


8:41. Who sings "Suicide Blonde"? It is somehow in my head and feels like a great "remember this one??...okay next track" song for my ipod. (Whithout those songs, my ipod would consist of Frou Frou "Let Go", Snow Patol "Chasing Cars" accoustic, and nothing else.)


8:48. I actually enjoy looking at the Strip from the air...it looks so peaceful--just a bunch of cool buildings. (Of course they also say that atomic bombs look beautiful from above...go figure?)


9:02. As much as I tell myself that I hate this city, there is a rush that you get, even when you're here for work. It is the pre-convention day, which for me consists of three pretty important meetings...and yet I find myself checking my watch to see if I'll have time to get to Caesar's Sports Book in time to get a few bets on the NHL preseason down before my meetings start. (Just a note---if you ever find yourself betting on pre-season hockey, it isn't time to attend a couple of meetings...it is time to kill yourself.)

9:18. Normally baggage claim in Vegas is some of the best people-watching you'll ever find. Two mitigating factors today:
A) It is Tuesday at 9 AM
B) I'm too busy writing this effing blog.
At least there are a few posters of uncomfortably undressed men. (Here's a thought for guys who think that they're 0% gay--would you rather see a naked 300 lb woman or a naked Chippendales dancer? Really? You're lying.)


9:23. Just observed a woman head-to-toe in vellure...chihuahua in toe...screaming the following into her phone: "you f***ing b****! You got in last night?!?! (Looks to male cohort who looks like the epitome of douche) Tracy got in last night!! That f***ing bitch.". I have little to no doubt that I would hate this woman---but can I please attach a camera to her and see what her next three days are like? I called my friend at the MGM to see what the odds were that she gets through the weekend without being naked in the presence of someone other than the person she came with and he said that they had to take it off of the board, because, "our boards only go up to seven digits."


9:40. This is terrible. I'm through baggage, cab and check-in...add to that the fact that my room is somehow ready and I still have 2+ hours until meeting 1. Vegas hates me.



10:08. The term "Non-smoking-room" doesn't quite have the same validity in this city...so I'm just going to deal with it. But I'm still at a loss as to what I'm going to do for the next 90 minutes or so.
10:09. IRONING! That's it! The worst necessary-evil of business travel is finally saving me. Nothing says "Vegas" like ironing!!!

11:48. Back through the casino. I love the directions in Vegas Casinos---the arrow points "to the conference center" but really means "this way to get lost on the way to the conference center."

11:52. I miss Dave Matthews sometimes...I just heard Grey Street as I was walking through the casino. I'd love to get the soundtrack for Caesar's---just a bunch of music to keep you subtly jacked up...pretty bitchin'. (This is about the time where I should note that despite being a good twenty years younger than the average inhabitant at this Casino/Hotel, it has always been one of my favorites. I don't know that it is the last of the classic Vegas hotels that still operates at the same level, in the same form or what---and frankly, I'm probably not a big enough Vegas expert to accurately comment--but don't Caesar's--it isn't too bad.)

11:54. Shocking, I'm lost. I'm looking for the Imperial Board room...I really hope Vader is in this meeting.

11:57. I think I'm on my way--of course via eleven other conferences. The dress for mine is "Business Casual"...I think I just passed one whose dress code was "A Halloween costume of a business woman---only sluttier."

12:05. Waiting for the previous vendor to leave so I can enter---i drew the lucky time-slot of meeting over lunch, which means I get my first round of conference food. Thank goodness my room has a beday.

12:07. This happened last year if I remember correctly...the vendor before me ran long and sent the whole day down a long spiral...we have 630 reservations with part of this group tonight. Last year they were at 6...we were seated around 11:15. Answer me this---when was the last time you had a meeting (not including internal meetings) that lasted over an hour and was productive? Just not possible. Meetings should be 30 minutes long with a 15-minute wind-down afterward. Why don't people have my perfect sense of logic??

2:20. The last hour of that meeting was brutal...my stomach is churning so badly from lunch that I'm presently in the midst of a 20-minute hotel room break before taking a can into downtown LV for my next meeting.
Can someone just eliminate dairy from lunch buffets??

2:38. In the taxi line, looking across at the Flamingo at the casino-sized picture of Toni Braxton. Now okay---it is a phenomenal picture, but I just don't see where people get of calling Halle Berry and Tyra Banks the two most-attractive black women in the country while Toni Braxton is still living. It isn't even a contest in my book.

2:40. Here's a Vegas first for me---taking a cab into the actual city of Las Vegas. I don't know exactly how to describe the look the cabbie gave me when I told him the address---but it was somewhere between, "you want to do WHAT to my sister?" and "you're going to wear THAT?"

2:44. Christopher Cross is playing at the Gold Coast this weekend...I just extended my trip.

2:45. I haven't been there in a while, but how much fun is the Palms? Way smaller, way too crowded, terrible sports book--and yet you love it. It is like the Corona of casinos---no reason to like it, but still your first choice.

2:52. It is so hacky to comment on the smell of a taxi driver, but if I had to guess at this guys cologne, I might guess bison ass covered in curry. Yeah--i'll go with that.

2:57. On Onstar commercial had a siren in it and the cabbie pulled over. I'm not annoyed because I've done the same thing. They've outlawed blue lights from cars---can't they outlaw sirens from radio?

3:08. There is a show in Vegas that is all impressions: Elvis, Madonna, Elton John, Brtney, Liza Minelli...only here's the kicker: they're midgets. It's called, "Little Legends", check it out.



4:58. Back in a cab headed to Caesar's. Since most bowling alleys went smoke free, I don't think I've had that experience of being in a closed-area where nobody is smoking, but still getting second hand---well that streak is officially over. I realize that people come here to try to kill themselves, but do they really need to kill the rest of us by smoking? Is there any chance that I could start the first smoke-free casino on the strip and have any success? I doubt it--but I'm going to try anyway--anyone able to help out with financing??

5:15. The cabbie just gave me eleven or so receipt forms. I'm not goimg to do it, but tell me that this couldn't be the biggest expense report scam in history? No proof, no direction---yet completely indisputable.

5:40. SPOILER ALERT! I'm getting bombarded with emails regarding next week's LV trip. The subject is the poop that was left in my shower during the last Team Trip. Clearly I didn't Turd Ferguson my own shower---but they're enjoying harassing me about it (even though one of them is guilty.) I predict this is a theme of next weekend's blog.

5:45. Leaving my room to "roam around" for 45 mins before dinner. I see this ending poorly (and in the Sports Book.)

5:53. In regard to my comments about Toni Braxton, I was wrong. I just rolled past Antoine Walker and his entourage, and we have THREE new leaders in the clubhouse.

5:57. They actually have futures on the Grey Cup. Remember what I said about the NHL Preseason? We have a new leader in the clubhouse.

6:11. How distracting is Vegas for work? I just bumped into a client who was walking with a potential client I've been trying to get on the phone for months...and I have ZERO business cards on me. (Got lucky on this one---we're all eating together and I may be able to get the poopoo back in the horse.)

6:21. The vendors at these things have their own fraternity. I just got a call from one of them. Pretty much ended like this:
Him: "you're going to dinner with clients, yeah? Well if you want to meet up later, we could go drink."
Vegas.

6:27. Back to the Sportsbook. The Allouettes are 5/1...how do I lay-off that?

6:29. Navy -12 over Duke...I like.

6:31. Green Bay +5 at home against SD...I also like.

6:32. Okay---dinner...more to come.

8:35. Dinner at a Benihana-style restaraunt. Beyond my speaking my broken Japanese to the chef and the classic Miyagi chopsticks-to-fly routine that made two people laugh and five others wonder what the hell I was doing...pretty uneventful.
And no---the client didn't show. I'm retarded.

8:41. I'm currently sitting in Shadow Bar, waiting for some clients who are having a private meeting outside that they asked me to leave. There was a time where I didn't like eating in restaraunts alone...now I'm by myself in one of the most visible bars in the country. I've finally achieved Loner Mastery!!!!

9:05. Classic Vegas scene. Guy who has a bunch of money but completely devoid of social skills with two women who he is paying handsomely for. Easily my favorite part of Vegas.

9:38. Rip Torn walks into the bar by himself in a warm-up suit that is either a) from the 70s or b) made in Sweden. He stands, looks side-to-side...moves ten feet...looks side to side...continues this for about five minutes and then leavees.

10:09. I won't identify the 55-year-old mortgage insurance rep from the deep south that is at a lot of these meetings...but he just walked up to our table and began a statement like this: "I just got the best Johnny Rivers album."
Find me a better way to start a statement--I challenge you.


10:45. Still out. I had two beers and switched to Perrier. Normally nobody gives you crap about drinking club soda because they assume it has booze in it. Not Vegas. They bank on the peer-pressure to sell a few more drinks. Anyway...so I'm peeing in a stall (as I can't pee in a urinal because of my condition) and the guy in the stall nwext to me is weeping. I'm talking BALLING. Even making that fun whaling noise.
Vegas.
I mean--what other city can take a few drinks and a deck of cards and beat someone down like the Jena 6?

10:56. I can't lie---talking business with female clients while there are the sillhouettes of two naked women dancing in front of you.


11:15. Back in my room. Yes, I wanted to be here two hours ago, but I guess I can make due. I've set my alarm for 5:20--as I've spent the last year telling anyone that will listen that running the strip at sunrise is one of the most surreal moments you'll ever experience. Never in your life have you seen a more deshevled mass of inhumanity...I genuinely can't wait.



Day One:
Total Drinks: 2

Total Gambled: N/A

Total # of Drinks consumed to fight off the shakes from not gambling: 2





6:20. Wednesday. SCUM SUCKING MOTHER F****** WHORE! I overslept for the first time in my entire life...RIGHT THROUGH MY ALARM.



6:22. I genuinely just asked myself if I have time for my jog, knowing I'm taking clients to play golf at 6:45.



6:29. I've lost the directions for the golf course--thank God for mobile internet.



6:46. Make it to the front only one minute late. (And yes, I do blame Caesars for this mistake. If the Air Conditioning hadn't been running at eleven levels past full-blast, trying to keep me gambling.)

...



Vegas.




Comments? Questions?

Send them to mcflyblogs@gmail.com

9.18.07

From the Arnolds...

Today marks the beginning of our guest-lecture series...but I've got a moment in the airport, so I'll add a little something before I go.

Flight 126

Santa Ana/Orange County/John Wayne/Cedric Ceballos International Airport is unique in the sense that it doesn't allow flights to take off or land at night, so as to avoid breaking the noise ordinance--furthermore--flights that do take off and land do so on idle for further compliance.

So the 7:55 USAIR flight to Las Vegas is the first of the day---and in looking around the terminal--it is going to be the least-raucous flight to Vegas that I've ever been on. There are probably 45 people here right now, and 30 of them have laptops--pretty normal for a morning flight---the one exception is the guy to my left. Simple description:

Shaved head.
Asleep.
Ipod nubs in ears.
Chanel sunglasses on.
Black/gold vellure jumpsuit.
Rolex about three links too big.

Something tells me:
a) He's not going for business (at least a legitimate business)
b) He's made this trip before.

Pucky

My brother and I invented a game when we were young. It involved one of those tie-dyed-looking colorful balls that they sell in the bins at K-Mart, one old metal softball bat per player, and endless chasing of one-another around the yard, while one person led the ball around on the ground with his bat...it was called, "Pucky".

Two facts about Pucky:

1) It didn't involve a puck
2) It has always been understood in our family that Pucky was the sport that, as a child, I was significantly better than my brother at---yet there was no scoring system to the game.

SHUT UP.

Did anyone see the Florida student who got tasered at a John Kerry speech? I love this. Moments after he asks why Kerry didn't push for the government to "impeach Bush", he gets tasered.

And you're telling me there isn't a God??

And on with the Blog...

From the Arnolds. (Note--McFly is not responsible for the comments of his readers--but encourages you all to submit your own blogs as he'll be gone for the majority of the next month. This one was left untouched--save the removal of the final line.)

I would like to be known as North Bends Most Wanted or NBMW for short.



Never Wear a Hat to a Strip Club



Since my daily driving average is over 100 miles I see a lot of things on the road that really make me think. The other day is one that keeps popping into my mind at the most uncanny times. It is something that you most likely see every day and especially during the late spring and summer months. I am talking about the graduation tassel on the review mirror.



The first thing that I was thinking about is what is the appropriate time line for leaving the tassel up? Is there a window where showing your accomplishment is acceptable before it becomes irrelevant? Say you just graduated high school can you leave your hat decoration up in your ride after you start attending college? If you don’t go to college can you just leave it in your hatchback for all the trailer park to see for eternity as a statement of superiority over the other degenerates while you complain that the government is messing up your lives because the NASCAR DirecTV package can’t be paid for with food stamps? Personally I think that there should be a three month window where displaying said accomplishment is acceptable and then you need to switch it back to the Puerto Rican flag or dream catcher that you usually have.



Secondly are there different scholarly triumphs that this ritual would be accepted? When a priest is ordained can he hang his collar on the mirror? If you actually tried in school and graduated with honors can you drape the yellow cords along with the tassel? Maybe if you graduated from trade school you can suspend your favorite wrench. Many people go for the subtle license plate frame declaring your alumni status, but what happens to graduates from Evergreen State University who can’t afford a car? Do they have to get a tattoo on their hitchhiking thumb in the school colors to differentiate the hippie status?



The third thing that came up is what are other lifetime acts that could warrant an iconic display? With your first promotion at work you could hang the neck tie. You completed your first marathon so dangle the shoe laces or your race number. You actually got asked to your first dance, put the corsage or boutonniere up there. I think you get the idea, you could have a lot of fun furnishing your car while obstructing your view.



Lastly were the victories that you should probably keep to yourself and out of your mode of transport. I made a list so you wouldn’t have to wonder:

· Condom from losing your virginity.

· Handcuffs from your first arrest.

· The bottle or can of substance that made you puke the first time.

· First bounced check.

· Remnants from the first time you got your ass kicked.

· Underwear from the first time you crapped/pissed yourself as an adult.

· Your latest STD exam, no matter what the results are.

· First syringe from shooting heroin.


So PLEASE--Submit your blogs!!! KEEP THE SHIP AFLOAT!!!!!


COMMENTS???

Tell me how I’m doing by clicking below…

ALSO…

You can now email me at mcflyblogs@gmail.com or click onto my profile on the right and follow it to the email section.

9.17.07 Cont...

One of the Arnolds...we'll call him, "AT&T" suggested that when I can't write that I open the floor for guest-writers.

I love the idea.

Anyone who has an idea, or just wants to vent to the world this week, feel free to submit any potential guest-publications to mcflyblogs@gmail.com.

Thanks for the help!

Ian

9.17.07

I've Posted it Before...BUT...

This is just too phenomenal.

Uhhh...

Leave Britney alone.

Mein Fuhr...

Fox News interviewed Mark Fuhrman as an "unbiased expert" on the OJ situation.

(I sat here for three minutes trying to think of an analogous situation...there isn't one that does it justice. However--I tried the following: Benedict Arnold, Ike Turner, Jeff Galulli, John Wayne Bobbit and Captain Piet from The Empire Strikes Back.)

Something Different…

This is a far cry from what I’m normally writing about, but the question was broached and I felt like I could help enlighten the general public…

A couple of guys I know have approached me about the best means to pick up chicks--and my answer is simple: Church.

I'm not kidding--it is an absolute gold-mine.

Brushing up on the Basics

If you’re like me, your Bible knowledge may have you a touch intimidated to even walk into a church. For an overview of the basics, check out the Brick Testament. (Make sure you look up the bestiality portion—the image of a Lego man taking a pig to the woodshed is something that I’d hate to rob you all of…)

Choosing a Church

I’ve found as a general rule, the more traditional the name, the more traditional the church. For instance, if you’re going to say—“St. Peter’s”—you’re going to get a liturgy-filled Catholic Church. But if you loosen up a bit—and try say—1st Presbyterian Church of San Dimas—the general feeling of the church may be a bit more relaxed…

If you’re really getting crazy though, you can try one of these new extreme churches that make no mention of anything Christian in the name, like “Scum of the Earth”, in Denver, where they collect their offering in a KFC bucket and use the Brick Testament during services.

I’m convinced that somewhere out there, there is a church where they just play the Aristocrats on repeat…haven’t decided what it will be called—but I’d love to hear your suggestions.

What to Wear

The phrase “Church Clothes” doesn’t exactly have the same connotation as it used to. In fact, if I have to categorize what people wear to church, it would be: “stuff that looks like you pulled it off of the floor of your closet even though you didn’t.”

For men, it takes a little preparation. You need to go to the gym for about six months, building a physique where you’re borderline muscular, but completely unathletic. Somewhere in the 6’2”, 160 range will do well—oh—and make sure you get one of those messy-look haircuts. (Yes, I’d essentially described myself—but I could totally take these guys…)

For clothing—try one of those t-shirts with all of the Asian writing on them that look ridiculous…couple it with some trendy jeans and a really gay belt. The basic idea you’re going for here is, “if I wasn’t seeing this guy at the most gay-retardant place on the planet, I’d think this guy was a pillow-biter.”

(Only amendment I’d add to this would be that if you’re part of the worship band, you replace the jeans with an ugly pair of brown pants and hair that hasn't been cut or washed in a decade.)
(There is a guy in the band at my old church used to wear a t-shirt that read LXIX.) (You either understand that or you don't.)

Instant Street Cred...

"Worship" or "Christian Rock Time" as I call it has brought new elements to church that just weren't an option before. It used to be reading from books in terrible tune---now there are video moniters with lyrics and full on rock-bands jamming for the first twenty minutes of every church service. (My church yesterday played Dishwalla, "Counting Blue Cars" yesterday, which made me laugh a bit...)

With this new found worship period...to fit in, it isn't a matter of knowing the lyrics--it is a matter of showing the rest of the church that you are absolutely being moved by praising God.

And how do you do this?

You wave your arms like a Peter, Paul and Mary fan on the positive side of an acid-trip. It is really the only way to prove that you love Jesus and are therefore worthy of corrupting a chick who is so naive and inexperienced that she can get drunk by looking at alcohol. Here are some options:

Easy:

"Songbook": Simple one--just hold your hands in front of you like you're holding a songbook. Close eyes, lift chin about 30 degrees.

"I Once Caught a Fish": Lock elbows into side. Start with palms facing each other, about 6 inches apart--as you move to the chorus of the song, spread the hands to 3 feet and shake your body like you're operating a jackhammer.

Moderate:

"Hip, Hop, Hooray.": Raise left hand as high as you can, sway back and forth. (Sounds easy--but the key on this one is that your sways can't have any consistency or pentameter---and absolutely can't follow the music.)

"Grabbing God": Reach both arms into the air, and stretch your arms further than you thought possible--then make clinching motions with your hands that coincide with tight-shutting of your eyes. You'll have the whole world in your hands in no time...

Difficult:

"Celestial Bench Press": Rock back and forth with your hands floating in front of your chest. During big lines of the song, cock your head back and thrust your arms forward and out. 3 sets, 8 reps per set.

Expert:

"Rodman vs. Malone": This one is generally saved for renditions of traditional famous hymns--you'll see three girls standing next to each other, all doing the Celestial Bench Press as they block out and fight each other for position. (Obviously, coaches stress that you should hold your position until the ball hits the ground.)

Introductions...

Simple--it is just a matter of timing and stalking.

The lights are generally out during these services which blind the people on the inside, but open view to those on the outside. So--knowing that you have 15-20 minutes of Christian Rock Time before things really get going--show up about five minutes late and find the hottest girl in the congregation---then just find a way to sit behind, in front, or next to her. (Christians at church are obnoxiously accomidating--so feel free to push aside children, the elderly and the handicapped to get to your seat.)

From there, the church does it for you----virtually all of them have a moment where you shake hands and introduce yourself...so you don't even have to come up with a line. You'll get a smile and a name without trying.

Then, all you do is drop phrases like, "Small Group", "Witness" and "Mission Trip" and you'll have a line of naive, helpless girls who actually believe you when you say that your "2" sexual partners came before you "found God".

So happy hunting...I wish you the best...

Prognosticator of Prognosticator...

Remind me, did I say Florida and USC in walks, Ohio State in a tough one, and UPS by a solid margin? Just checking.

The Rest of the Week

I'm going to be at a conference in the Vegas the rest of the week that runs from about 7 AM to 11 PM every day...so I won't have much time to write. I am going to try to chronicle my first 24 hours there and then do the same thing when I'm back ten days later for a personal trip so you can contrast the differences between the two...

So likely only one more blog this week--but keep checking.

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9.14.07

Hmm...

In the past two days I've been near:

-A guy in the office who smells exactly like candy cigarettes.

-A guy at the gym who smells exactly like cinnamon rolls.

I don't know what either of those mean--but it sent me for a loop.

Roundup

To my readers that are headed to the Pendleton Roundup today, I wish you a good time. I've only been once, but it was a hell of a good time.

My personal favorite part is the introduction of the "Court" for that particular years' rodeo. The girls ride out on a horse, dressed in fancy cowgirl gear and wave to the adoring crowd.

They list all of the accomplishments of the young girls, and give life goals----not a single one of them includes education beyond high school. Just beautiful...

And on to Football...

College First...

Game of the Week:

Tennessee at Florida

Florida proves exactly why they're ranked in the top ten: they have the best young talent in the country. They win in a WALK.

Florida Wins: 38-17.


Game of the Week (II):

USC at Nebraska

I love Nebraska. I think that even the people that are giving them credit aren't giving them enough. They have a good quarterback, a great coach and a weak conference--they have a great chance of winning the Big 12 off of momentum alone. That said...

USC Wins: 42-14.


UPS at Claremont-McKenna

The Loggers continue to roll on the ground against a very good Claremont team.

Loggers Win: 28-20.


Ohio State at Washington

Washington, while they haven't played a team as good as OSU, has dominated the pace of their first two games. They are committed to the run, and have shown some great speed on defense. Conversely, Ohio State, as a top ten team, has looked paltry. They are far more reminscent of a late-90s OSU team than a Tressel/2000s Ohio State team---last week they led Akron 3-2 in the third quarter. The problem for Washington is that they're still Ohio State, and therefore out-talent Washington at probably 19/22 on-field positions.
This game will be UGLY and will last about an hour and fifteen minutes (less commercial breaks).

Ohio State wins: 17-14 (But only because I don't want to jynx a good thing at Washington.)


NFL Football

(Which ranks up there with ATM Machine, NBA Basketball and CAB Board as the most idiotic repetitive statements on the planet...)

Here we go...

Buffalo at Pittsburgh

With the potential arrest of OJ Simpson looming--there is no way that the Bills are going to be able to concentrate.
Pittsburgh--BIG.

(By the way--can we officially move OJ to the top of the "COMPLETELY INSANE CELEBRITIES" list? I mean--Mike Tyson has held the title for a while--Lindsday Lohan, Britney Spears and Jose Canseco have all had their runs to the top---but would you be even A LITTLE BIT surprised at this point if OJ a) announced his candidacy for the Presidency or b) was caught on tape throwing his feces at a nun?)

Cincinnati at Cleveland

Chad Johnson's touchdown dance this week apparently involves Dave Coulier and a parallelogram.
Bengals huge.

Indianapolis at Tennessee

There is someone in the greater southeast that actually believes that Vince Young will be the best quarterback on the field in this game. Of course--there are also people in the greater southeast who are their own father.
Indy.

Houston at Carolina

Will people please stop praising Jake Delhomme and begin praising Houston's offense?
Houston in an upset.

San Francisco at St. Louis

I'm contractually obligated to select the 49ers. (And I'm not going to fall into the trap of saying something gay like, "Orlando Pace's injury is going cripple the St. Louis offensive line" as though I know what I'm talking about.)
Niners.

Green Bay at NY Giants

There hasn't been anything as ridiculous as the Giants starting QB/RB combo in the New York/New Jersey area since Bon Jovi had the nerve to include the lyric, "like Frankie said, 'I did it my way'," in It's My Life.
Green Bay in a game that will have eight combined turnovers.

Atlanta at Jacksonville.

What is the over/under on this game? Eleven?
Jacksonville.

New Orleans at Tampa Bay

GO SAINTS!
Saints.

Minnesota at Detroit

For those of you who have jumped on the bandwagon, just a note: Calvin Johnson's first game numbers were good---but not as good as Charles Rodgers'. FRIGHTENING if you're a Detroit fan.
Detroit.

Dallas at Miami

In a classic quarterback matchup, Aikman overtakes Marino.
Dallas.

NY Jets at Baltimore

Ray Lewis predicted that the he was, "going to kill anyone who comes across the middle", which means more than it normally does.
Baltimore.

Seattle at Arizona

I've realized that I am absolutely the a-hole fantasy football guy who cares more about fantasy than real football when I emailed my friend Nick yesterday, essentially hoping that the injury to Shawn Alexander's left arm was serious. Hmm...
Seattle.

Oakland at Denver

Hot off the wire: Al Davis has signed Byron Leftwich, obtained the rights to Michael Vick, and brought Randall Cunningham out of retirement because he feels like he doesn't have enough quarterbacks who have the exact same deficiencies.
Denver HUGE.

Kansas City at Chicago

Is this obvious Chicago blowout be the first Herm Edwards Blow-up of the year? We can only hope...
Chicago GIGANTIC.

San Diego at New England

Someone told me that there are some ethics questions surrounding the Patriots...but I don't see it.
New England close.

Washington at Philadelphia

I'm probably not lucky enough for the paltry Washington defense to tear every ligament in Donavon McNabb's body...
Philadelphia.



GO DAWGS AND LOGS!




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9.13.07

A Quick One...

I told myself I was only going to put out 2-3 blogs a week, but have been going 2,000 words a night since last Tuesday (and as many as 5,000 one day) and I need to relax before a I settle into my predictions for the big college football weekend ahead. So two quick observations:

Stop it.

Both Reebok and Hooters have launched new ad campaigns based around women watching football. (Couldn't find the Hooters commercial online--but it is on approximately every 3 seconds...)

I know what you're expecting: a tirade against women watching sports, etc.

But I have no problem with women watching football. MILLIONS of women watch football.

My problem the way that they present it. Watch the Reebok spot--the Hooters spot has an identical theme--and tell me that this is even a glimpse of reality.

Not only do women not act like this, MEN don't act like this.

When I watch football with friends, it is normally 2-4 of us, uncomfortably close on a couch---maybe one guy has a sweatshirt or a hat of X team on...but likely not. If it is the fourth quarter of a huge game, MAYBE you'll see a high five or two...at the very most.

But these commercials are glorifying a ridiculous stereotype that when football is on tv, people start running, dressing and dancing around like the kids from STOMP. (By the way--check out http://www.stomp.com/ --not quite what I was expecting. I'm guessing Curtis visits this site frequently...) Why do people spend so much time and money for the sole purpose of annoying me??

Speaking of Which...

There so many things that bother me--but everyone has one thing that bothers them so much that they could never be friends with someone that does that thing, or holds that characteristic. (The Boo's is "Chicks who go to strip clubs." Pretty good...please get off of your lazy asses and leave a comment or two with your thoughts on the matter...)

I know you're in eager anticipation, so here it is:

People with "Mean People Suck" stickers on their car.


Can someone please explain to me the thought process that goes on when someone a) decides to buy that and b) decides to put it on their car? If you do both of these things, you are a disturbed individual and have probably spent a fair amount of time on http://www.stomp.com/.

(Late) Fantasy Booms/Busts...

I realize this is very late--but a lot of guys in my fantasy football league read my blog--so I can't reveal things too early or I'm screwed in the draft. To my own credit however--I wrote this three weeks ago and clearly made some mistakes...but here goes.

Bargains

10. Ladanian Tomlinson: Can the consensus #1 pick be undervalued? Yes. I dominated my league last year but was nearly doubled in the playoffs when LT sat. (We've fixed that by ending our playoffs in week 15 this year.) Best fantasy player of all-time. No questions asked. (Didn't get him.)
9. Matt Schaub: "WINS" is not a statistic in fantasy football...therefore, Schaub is the best backup you can have. (Got him.)
8. Maurice Morris: He's already picked up a touchdown...but when Shawn Alexander blows out his Achilles in week 3, you'll be pleased you picked him up. (Nope.)
7. Joseph Addai: He went around 6th in most drafts, but how can you possibly undervalue the Colts RB? He'll be in the top 3 rbs in points, easy. (Didn't get him.)
6. Ben Rothlesburger: They're going to air it out this year and he is as accurate as they come. Going to have a huge year and is going in the 80s in many drafts. (You betcha.)
5. Warrick Dunn: You have to love any running back who is playing in an offense led by Joey Harrington (who I drafted by the way...oops?) (No.)
4. Jason Whitten: Will lead the NFL in catches. Mark my words. (No--but I got Antonio Gates, so who cares?)
3. Darrell Jackson: This is already looking bad, but you have to like a fantasy stud who is switching to a team where he is the clear-cut #1 receiver. (Yes sir!)
2. Santonio Holmes: Ranked 108 on ESPN's list and will be a top ten receiver. HUGE big play threat and a touchdown machine. (God love it!!!)
1. Phillip Rivers: How can an a) accurate passer, with b) Ladanian Tomlinson and c) Antonio Gates go in the 80s in most drafts? (F$@# you, Rooster. If my internet hadn't shut down, he would have been mine in round 6.)

Oversleepers
If there are "Overdogs" (Boise State, Gonzaga, etc.) there has to be "Oversleepers", right? People that EVERYONE loves as bargains that just aren't a bargain.
10. Lawrence Maroney: I drafted him at 15th--but he was going as high as 6, which is WAY out of his range. I'm content with my pick, but benched him this week against SD.
9. Steve Smith: Huge talent, but the damnable thing about wide receivers is that you need someone to pass to them---which he doesn't have. (Worth a top 30 pick, not the 13th where George took him in our draft.)
8. Brian Westbrook: Because I hate him...
7. Matt Leinert: If your league doesn't count interceptions (which he threw on his FIRST PASS OF THE YEAR) you're golden with him---but if it does, avoid him like the plague.
6. Adam Vinatieri: HE'S A KICKER! Yes, he puts up points, but here is the thing: The reason running backs go first is not because they score the most points (quarterbacks do) it is because they have the biggest disparity between the top (LT) and the bottom (Ron Dayne). Kickers have a variance between the top and bottom of less than three points a game. That's not much.
5. Reggie Bush: Yes, I still have a crush on him, but he just isn't the 12th best fantasy player out there. Not enough rushing yards, not enough touchdowns.
4. Shawn Alexander: (See Mo Morris comments...and maybe I'm just wishful because he is the most clear evidence I can think of that the devil exists on Earth.)
3. Vince Young: The anti-Schaub. If "Comeback Wins" were a stat, yeah--take him. But people have this impression that Vince Young is automatic for 300 passing, 100 rushing and 4 tds. He's more like 130 passing, 45 rushing, 2 tds and an int. He's probably a top-12 guy--but he is the 3rd or 4th qb taken in some drafts.
2. Donavon McNabb: He'll be great for you...for five weeks.
1. Marques Colston: I'm not saying last year was a fluke, but his second season will be reminiscent of Hootie and the Blowfish's second album...

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9.12.07

Quick Note...

Say what you will about over-emphasizing the importance of sports--but Sportscenter is an absolutely vital piece of my morning. I watch it in pieces, but see the full hour before I leave for the office every day--it just makes me feel better.

On occasion, during several golf tournaments and the occasional international sporting event--Sportscenter is pre-empted---and I'm forced to deal with ESPN2. Okay--I can live with that.

But for some un-Godly reason, ESPN decided to pre-empt BOTH networks AM coverage for the next two weeks. AND WHY??

For WOMEN'S SOCCER.

WOMEN'S. SOCCER.

WOMEN'S.

SOCCER.

I've been racking my brain for a positive and necessary daily ritual being replaced by something so heinous that you can barely speak of it...the only thing that I can come up with is replacing your morning teeth-brushing session with gargling camel urine.

Is that about equal?

More from the Arnolds…

Dear McFly,

I'm a bit offended by your blog today. No where in my top 8 is anyone who doesn't shave, or drive an outback for goodness sakes. I mean seriously, we live in LA - designer clothing, cute shoes, good hair (except for a few who have aggressively uneven haircuts). No stereotypes here. I only have pretty people in my life.

Marisa
Hollywood, CA

This is where I began to backtrack like I walked into a room filled with grizzly bears…

Okay—I didn’t mean to offend my lesbian readership with the stereotyping comments—in fact I’m beginning to believe that the lesbian readership makes up 80% of my readers, so I’ll bring it back a notch. Please accept the following apology:

…

…

Okay—so the “strike-through” function doesn’t work on blogspot, which bugs me to no end. I had a whole series of jokes lined-up where I was going to write things like “LPGA Tour” and “Carhartt” and then strike them out and write flowery compliments…so I guess I’m going to have to be genuine…

So I apologize to my lesbian readers. I didn’t mean to offend you by my callous, insensitive comments. I meant to just make light of the ridiculous stereotypes that dominate our society, because I, unlike the majority of the population, realize that lesbians deserve the right to fairness and acceptance like everyone else…so long as they let me watch.


Dear McFly,

This may not fit just right to your list of things you should probably not buy/accept if they are discounted or free, but it warrants mentioning and I think you may agree. This may be a variation or the start of a new list: “Just because an item is free (or all you can eat in this case) doesn’t make it good.”

100. Never ending pasta bowl at the Olive Garden

This discussion came up during the first Monday Night Football game when a commercial for said “never ending pasta bowl” promotion came on. The head chef at the nice Italian restaurant my roommate works at was over watching the game and as the ad was ending he and I simultaneously said similar things, “Why would anyone go for this? Never ending sh*t is still sh*t.”

Tom
Washington, DC


(Deep breaths…)

(Think logically…)

Okay…

First—I’ve been a proponent of the phrase “two of sh*t is still sh*t” for years—in fact I’m pretty sure Tom learned it from me—people don’t give it nearly enough credit, but they continue to say stupid, uncreative things like, “were you raised in a barn?” and expect them to draw laughs.

Second—The Olive Garden is subhuman. I cannot count the number of times I heard people talk about how phenomenal their salad/breadsticks were—so finally, in my senior year of college, when weight was more of a badge than a concern, I went. And wow…WOW…

I’m not going to get crazy and say that the Olive Garden’s food tastes like feces, because frankly—I’ve never tasted feces. But I will be honest and say that I gargled with Clorox that night.

Third—DIE, Tom! Remember Corralgate!!!!!!!!

For those of you who don’t know Tom, he and I played golf together in college, and at different points in my life, I’ve considered him my friend.

Those times would consist of…hmm…every time other than Corralgate and when he sent me this email, thereby reminding me of Corralgate.

Never, EVER assume that you have credibility in choice of restaurants again…



What is “Corralgate” you ask? WELL…let me tell you…

As Kevin Bacon might have said in A Few Good Men, “These are the facts of the case, and they are indisputable. Let me repeat that—they are indisputable. You’re going to hear the same story from Tom, and the same story from every other member of the 01-02 UPS Golf Team. But Tom—he’s going to try to pull off a little magic show. He’s going to dazzle you with stories of hurt-feelings, and use official sounding phrases like, ‘insensitive bastard.’”

So I’ll set the scene…

Every year, the final Northwest Conference Golf tournament of the fall season takes place about 45 minutes outside of Bend, Oregon, at one of several local golf courses. Historically, every team but UPS stayed at a dive motor-inn, while the other teams relaxed in the luxury of a Black Butte Condo.

Finally, in 2001, upon request of his assistant coach, and harassment from several rival coaches, our beloved coach, buckled down and booked us in a comfortable, quiet condo.

Sidebar—you have to understand a few things about Coach before the completion of this story:
First, he is the nicest man you will ever meet, and treated his players better than any other athletes on campus (whom he also treated well) despite being Athletic Director at the time. But like anyone with a heart of gold—that heart can be easily broken.
Second, Coach had been planning team road-trips for his teams (mostly wrestling, but also golf) for the better part of four decades and was hardly one to break tradition.
Third, Coach’s secretary made itineraries that Coach treated like gospel. He’d been seen driving as slow as 40 mph and as fast as 95 mph on the highway to keep pace with the pre-set itinerary. But I digress…

So after finishing the first round, the team had assembled in the van while Coach waited for the following day’s tee-times. Travis, Spuds and I—who were the only people who had made the trip before—glanced at the itineraries and realized that we were scheduled to eat dinner at the Golden Corral Buffet Restaurant.

Okay—a couple of quick facts:
1. The Golden Corral was across the street from our old hotel, but 15 minutes in the wrong direction from our condo.
2. It was a rural, stereotypical buffet-style restaurant that had inspired more indigestion than Acid Reflux Disease.
3. Our Assistant Coach—who had saved us from the Golden Corral the previous year—wasn’t with us.

So Travis and I—knowing that we’re sharing a room (interesting story about that room—we were in two twin beds. We both fell asleep and woke up to some noise at the same time—only thing was that both of our heads were on the opposite end of the bed that we started in. Don’t go gay with this—we both did 180s and woke up—just weird) and didn’t want to relive what each other had eaten for dinner plotted against the Golden Corral.

With a couple minutes before Coach reached the van, Travis, the team leader, was supposed to spread the word to the rest of the team. To no surprise—my oldest, dearest friend began the process of sliding me conveniently under a large yellow school bus.

His intentions began well: “This Golden Corral place is nasty…” laid out the motive clearly, “we’re going to convince coach to go to pizza or burgers or something”, and even laid out strategy, “if he asks you—just say you’d rather go somewhere else.”

But when the sheep (that’s not fair—three of them are good friends of mine—and the other one is a really good guy—but for our purposes, they will be sheep 1-4—just keep in mind that Tom is one of them, Spuds another) questioned how they’d broach the subject, it got ugly:

“McFly will do it.” (Travis has never called me McFly...but see how I'm keeping up the persona?? Nice, huh?)

Surprised, but unfazed, I prepared for my task. I decided detail was the key. Lay out a logical, concise option and back it up with logic.

Before I could adequately prepare, the driver’s door opened. This was probably my 15th tournament with Coach, so I knew he was going to situate himself, turn to the back of the van, give a brief motivational talk and then tell us what the rest of the evening held for us. It went something like this:

Coach: “Okay guys—looks like we’ve got a little bit of a lead on PLU—a couple of good rounds tomorrow and we could have our first victory in some time…so we’ll go to the Golden Corral for dinner and then get to bed early and be ready for a good round tomorrow.”

(Half a beat)

McFly: “Coach—we were all talking, and we were thinking something a little healthier than the Golden Corral. There is an Italian place on the way back to the condo—it would save us 30 minutes and probably a little money as I’m sure a few guys will want to share pizzas.”

Coach: “I just figured that all of you would be hungry and would like the all-you-can-eat…”

(Coach starts darting his head, puzzled, and locks it on the first person he sees…)

Sheep 1: (Silence)

Sheep 2: (Silence, fear.)

(I began to get concerned that our troops are ill-prepared for battle…but I’ve still got Spuds, Travis and Tom…)

Sheep 3 (Spuds): (Indifference)

Sheep 4 (Tom): “Uh…”

(Coach then gives a longing glance at his favorite player—whom he thrice hugged on the golf course--Travis, and looks for a final appeal…) (NOTE: this is the one point of dispute. Tom and Travis claim that Coach had tears in his eyes which is absolutely untrue. A strained look of disappointment—absolutely—but no tears…)

Travis: “You know Coach—I’m pretty hungry—Golden Corral Sounds pretty good to me.”

Sheep 4 (Tom): “Yeah—sounds great. I was kind of looking forward to it…”

Sheep 3 (Spuds): "Sure." (Nervous laugh.)

Sheep 2: “Sounds good.”

Sheep 1: “Whatever is fine for me…”

Ian: (Stunned. Angry. Finally understanding what Alanis Morisette felt like when she wrote, “You Oughtta Know”.)




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