My brother and I have this conversation frequently, but it isn't something that I air to the public very often...
Do you ever have memories (particularly from ages 8-14 or so) that you wish you didn't have? I'm not talking about repressed abuse or anything---but rather things that you enjoyed and things that you did that were so stupid that you are embarrassed when you think back to that point and realize that you had no idea how corny your very existence was.
Well (and I think my brother already knows where I'm going here) there was this video that we used to watch on our "Library Days" in elementary school. I don't remember exactly what it was called, but we always referred to it as, "The Wipers."
It was this series of 30-minute movies about Armageddon, where humans have descended from another planet, gassed the Earth's population, and taken over. Here's the thing though---they try to control information, so they outlaw books and reading.
It was really creepy too...which made me surprised that it was designed for young kids. It has this creepy space-aged music and smoke and things...to the point that when I woke up this morning thinking about it, I kind of had the Silence of the Lambs feeling. (The "Silence of the Lambs Feeling" is the feeling that when you're walking in the dark, you're being followed by a transsexual murderer wearing infrared goggles...)
So the plot of The Wipers goes like this--a librarian crashes her bookmobile and passes out. The Wipers--essentially an intergalactic biker gang--upon seeing her, assume that she is dead like everyone else and continue on about their business. Days later, the librarian is discovered by "The Users", the enemies of The Wipers from their home planet, who have followed them to Earth to try to defeat them. The Users are dressed in red spandex, with headbands, and speak a little bit like they're Amish, but they approach the librarian and ask her if there is a place where she can lead them to hide-out until they can be re-acquainted with their leader (who happens to be the father of one of the young, saucy, female Users.)
As it would happen, the librarian knows the way and walks them--her car is destroyed--to a hidden bunker in the woods where she and several others had hidden a secret library, in fear of The Wipers burning all of the major libraries in the city.
From there we find out that while these alien Users speak the Queen's English and can read, they've never seen books before...and certainly not in this quantity. So while the injured librarian guides them around the library, using the Dewey Decimal System to help their leader (whom they communicate with via their headbands) find them and continue their quest to defeat the Wipers, the Wipers are furthering their plot to wipe reading off of the now-terrorized Earth.
I don't remember a lot of it--but here are a few of the memories that I have left:
-The Wipers would steal street signs because they had words on them---and they had this room where they kept them---but here's the kicker: there were probably 80 signs in there, but no duplicates--as though there was one stop sign on Earth...
-A song entitled, "You can find out lots of things...in the Encyclopedia..."
-The Users had never seen other species before because their leader identified a horse as a "massive human" before the other Users found a book on horses and corrected him.
-There were these strung-out hookers that would "service" the Wipers leader---who was kind of a human Jabba the Hut type of character.
-In the Encyclopedia, the Users find out about lasers and use them to defeat the Wipers...and I'm pretty sure one of the Users plows the librarian.
Anyway...I had to get it off of my chest---hopefully SOMEONE out there knows what the hell I'm talking about, because Google doesn't...
From the Arnolds...
McFly,
I couldn't agree more with your comments on Craps. Craps is like the Ferrari F50 of the casino floor. It is unique, flashy, expensive, irrational, and when firing on all cylinders it is the most exciting game out there. It even comes with a Cristy Brinkley look alike on the arm of some Arab guy who only plays with Black chips. People flock to the table just to take a peek, and everyone involved is having MUCH more fun than the rest of the casino hermits mulling about the floor.
Then there is Blackjack: the Ford Taurus of the casino floor, right down to the people who play it and drive said vehicles. Its a game of attrition, strict rules, anti-social behavior, and more often than not, a means to get a few stiff free drinks while sitting in a relatively comfortable chair...
Erik
San Francisco, CA
I tend to allow my mind to wander as I right and jump from point to point (hence the cluelessness of yesterday's blog) and I think that that happened when I tried to explain my affection for craps. (If you'll recall--I made a women's sports reference and lost some people...)
But Erik from San Francisco, you're absolutely right...but let me offer another analogy:
A junior high dance.
Remember those? Your first slow dance...your first dancing circle...your first excuse to your friends for not picking up on chicks...
Really. The percentages were almost identical. 80% of the people in the room are standing on the outside walls, sipping punch (the blackjack tables). But then there is 15% that go to the center of the room, put their ego on the line, and decide that whatever happens, they're going to have the time of their life (at the craps table). (Why do I remember REALLY short guys being the ones who did this? Hmm...)
But at the end of the night, this 15% is covered in sweat, completely disheveled, and wondering how the they ended up in this situation---but the people that were at the walls have now surrounded them and given them demi-God status for the night.
(Some of you are saying to yourselves, "McFly just added 80 and 15 to get 100." Not true--the other 5% is the same at a junior high dance and a casino as well: jacked up on crank and trying to convince the police not to call their parents.)
McFly,
I'm still waiting for a shout-out for my Top 8…
And are you really going to the Logger game on Saturday? Who's gonna go?
Marisa
Hollywood, CA
Marisa is referring to her staple of "friends" on myspace that is comprised of more lesbians than a Honda CRV Enthusiasts Meeting. But they've introduced me to a new world. A world where shaven legs are taboo and belt-bags are encouraged...so God bless them. (But not the Christian God...)
And the Logger Game she's referring to is the football game at Claremont at 7:00 pm on Saturday. Yes--I'll absolutely be there---and I need to do a little research, but I'm predicting a close victory by the Loggers over a resurgent Claremont-McKenna squad that just beat Cal Lutheran for the first time in 12 years. No score just yet...but I think the Logs have it in them...
So to Marisa's Top 8--feel free to load up your Outback with beer and sandwiches and come join us...
A Couple of Lists...
These are both continued works in progress...you'll see them again in the future, but this is where we stand on them right now--I'd love to hear suggestions as to what should make the list...
There are certain things that you should not buy (or accept) if they are coming discounted or free...because it just isn't going to end well.
Or as Rosie Perez would put it in White Men Can't Jump: "Sometimes when you save money, you actually lose money. And some times when you lose money, you actually gain money. And sometimes when you break even, you actually gain or lose money."
(100 is bad, 0 is good.)
100: Seafood
97: Electronics
93: Motor Boats
91: Diamond Jewelry
89: Amateur Massage
88: Canned Chicken
86: Celebrity Autographs
85: Insurance
83: Recreational Drugs
Lays had an ad campaign saying that you, "Can't eat just one." Well, here's the thing--you really don't even want to eat one Lays potato chip (unless you dunk it in ketchup.) (Seriously--try it--better than fries.)
But there are things you want one of. And two. And maybe eleven or sixty. No matter how full, satisfied, drunk or whatever--you keep trying to tell yourself to stop, but you find yourself with about as much control as Kid Rock after the MTV Video Awards. This is my current list:
100: Cinnamon Mentos
97: Restaurant Salsa and Chips (Chevy's not included)
96: My blogs
92: Bugles w/Eazy Cheeze
91: Crack-Cocaine
89: Red Vines
88: Lemonade w/vodka (Not to be confused with "Hard Lemonade" which only "Sup" would drink...)
87: Red Swedish Fish
83: Myspace
79: Sun Chips (Blue Bag Only)
73: Werther's Original (Soft)
72: Werther's Original (Hard)
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