9.12.07

Quick Note...

Say what you will about over-emphasizing the importance of sports--but Sportscenter is an absolutely vital piece of my morning. I watch it in pieces, but see the full hour before I leave for the office every day--it just makes me feel better.

On occasion, during several golf tournaments and the occasional international sporting event--Sportscenter is pre-empted---and I'm forced to deal with ESPN2. Okay--I can live with that.

But for some un-Godly reason, ESPN decided to pre-empt BOTH networks AM coverage for the next two weeks. AND WHY??

For WOMEN'S SOCCER.

WOMEN'S. SOCCER.

WOMEN'S.

SOCCER.

I've been racking my brain for a positive and necessary daily ritual being replaced by something so heinous that you can barely speak of it...the only thing that I can come up with is replacing your morning teeth-brushing session with gargling camel urine.

Is that about equal?

More from the Arnolds…

Dear McFly,

I'm a bit offended by your blog today. No where in my top 8 is anyone who doesn't shave, or drive an outback for goodness sakes. I mean seriously, we live in LA - designer clothing, cute shoes, good hair (except for a few who have aggressively uneven haircuts). No stereotypes here. I only have pretty people in my life.

Marisa
Hollywood, CA

This is where I began to backtrack like I walked into a room filled with grizzly bears…

Okay—I didn’t mean to offend my lesbian readership with the stereotyping comments—in fact I’m beginning to believe that the lesbian readership makes up 80% of my readers, so I’ll bring it back a notch. Please accept the following apology:

…

…

Okay—so the “strike-through” function doesn’t work on blogspot, which bugs me to no end. I had a whole series of jokes lined-up where I was going to write things like “LPGA Tour” and “Carhartt” and then strike them out and write flowery compliments…so I guess I’m going to have to be genuine…

So I apologize to my lesbian readers. I didn’t mean to offend you by my callous, insensitive comments. I meant to just make light of the ridiculous stereotypes that dominate our society, because I, unlike the majority of the population, realize that lesbians deserve the right to fairness and acceptance like everyone else…so long as they let me watch.


Dear McFly,

This may not fit just right to your list of things you should probably not buy/accept if they are discounted or free, but it warrants mentioning and I think you may agree. This may be a variation or the start of a new list: “Just because an item is free (or all you can eat in this case) doesn’t make it good.”

100. Never ending pasta bowl at the Olive Garden

This discussion came up during the first Monday Night Football game when a commercial for said “never ending pasta bowl” promotion came on. The head chef at the nice Italian restaurant my roommate works at was over watching the game and as the ad was ending he and I simultaneously said similar things, “Why would anyone go for this? Never ending sh*t is still sh*t.”

Tom
Washington, DC


(Deep breaths…)

(Think logically…)

Okay…

First—I’ve been a proponent of the phrase “two of sh*t is still sh*t” for years—in fact I’m pretty sure Tom learned it from me—people don’t give it nearly enough credit, but they continue to say stupid, uncreative things like, “were you raised in a barn?” and expect them to draw laughs.

Second—The Olive Garden is subhuman. I cannot count the number of times I heard people talk about how phenomenal their salad/breadsticks were—so finally, in my senior year of college, when weight was more of a badge than a concern, I went. And wow…WOW…

I’m not going to get crazy and say that the Olive Garden’s food tastes like feces, because frankly—I’ve never tasted feces. But I will be honest and say that I gargled with Clorox that night.

Third—DIE, Tom! Remember Corralgate!!!!!!!!

For those of you who don’t know Tom, he and I played golf together in college, and at different points in my life, I’ve considered him my friend.

Those times would consist of…hmm…every time other than Corralgate and when he sent me this email, thereby reminding me of Corralgate.

Never, EVER assume that you have credibility in choice of restaurants again…



What is “Corralgate” you ask? WELL…let me tell you…

As Kevin Bacon might have said in A Few Good Men, “These are the facts of the case, and they are indisputable. Let me repeat that—they are indisputable. You’re going to hear the same story from Tom, and the same story from every other member of the 01-02 UPS Golf Team. But Tom—he’s going to try to pull off a little magic show. He’s going to dazzle you with stories of hurt-feelings, and use official sounding phrases like, ‘insensitive bastard.’”

So I’ll set the scene…

Every year, the final Northwest Conference Golf tournament of the fall season takes place about 45 minutes outside of Bend, Oregon, at one of several local golf courses. Historically, every team but UPS stayed at a dive motor-inn, while the other teams relaxed in the luxury of a Black Butte Condo.

Finally, in 2001, upon request of his assistant coach, and harassment from several rival coaches, our beloved coach, buckled down and booked us in a comfortable, quiet condo.

Sidebar—you have to understand a few things about Coach before the completion of this story:
First, he is the nicest man you will ever meet, and treated his players better than any other athletes on campus (whom he also treated well) despite being Athletic Director at the time. But like anyone with a heart of gold—that heart can be easily broken.
Second, Coach had been planning team road-trips for his teams (mostly wrestling, but also golf) for the better part of four decades and was hardly one to break tradition.
Third, Coach’s secretary made itineraries that Coach treated like gospel. He’d been seen driving as slow as 40 mph and as fast as 95 mph on the highway to keep pace with the pre-set itinerary. But I digress…

So after finishing the first round, the team had assembled in the van while Coach waited for the following day’s tee-times. Travis, Spuds and I—who were the only people who had made the trip before—glanced at the itineraries and realized that we were scheduled to eat dinner at the Golden Corral Buffet Restaurant.

Okay—a couple of quick facts:
1. The Golden Corral was across the street from our old hotel, but 15 minutes in the wrong direction from our condo.
2. It was a rural, stereotypical buffet-style restaurant that had inspired more indigestion than Acid Reflux Disease.
3. Our Assistant Coach—who had saved us from the Golden Corral the previous year—wasn’t with us.

So Travis and I—knowing that we’re sharing a room (interesting story about that room—we were in two twin beds. We both fell asleep and woke up to some noise at the same time—only thing was that both of our heads were on the opposite end of the bed that we started in. Don’t go gay with this—we both did 180s and woke up—just weird) and didn’t want to relive what each other had eaten for dinner plotted against the Golden Corral.

With a couple minutes before Coach reached the van, Travis, the team leader, was supposed to spread the word to the rest of the team. To no surprise—my oldest, dearest friend began the process of sliding me conveniently under a large yellow school bus.

His intentions began well: “This Golden Corral place is nasty…” laid out the motive clearly, “we’re going to convince coach to go to pizza or burgers or something”, and even laid out strategy, “if he asks you—just say you’d rather go somewhere else.”

But when the sheep (that’s not fair—three of them are good friends of mine—and the other one is a really good guy—but for our purposes, they will be sheep 1-4—just keep in mind that Tom is one of them, Spuds another) questioned how they’d broach the subject, it got ugly:

“McFly will do it.” (Travis has never called me McFly...but see how I'm keeping up the persona?? Nice, huh?)

Surprised, but unfazed, I prepared for my task. I decided detail was the key. Lay out a logical, concise option and back it up with logic.

Before I could adequately prepare, the driver’s door opened. This was probably my 15th tournament with Coach, so I knew he was going to situate himself, turn to the back of the van, give a brief motivational talk and then tell us what the rest of the evening held for us. It went something like this:

Coach: “Okay guys—looks like we’ve got a little bit of a lead on PLU—a couple of good rounds tomorrow and we could have our first victory in some time…so we’ll go to the Golden Corral for dinner and then get to bed early and be ready for a good round tomorrow.”

(Half a beat)

McFly: “Coach—we were all talking, and we were thinking something a little healthier than the Golden Corral. There is an Italian place on the way back to the condo—it would save us 30 minutes and probably a little money as I’m sure a few guys will want to share pizzas.”

Coach: “I just figured that all of you would be hungry and would like the all-you-can-eat…”

(Coach starts darting his head, puzzled, and locks it on the first person he sees…)

Sheep 1: (Silence)

Sheep 2: (Silence, fear.)

(I began to get concerned that our troops are ill-prepared for battle…but I’ve still got Spuds, Travis and Tom…)

Sheep 3 (Spuds): (Indifference)

Sheep 4 (Tom): “Uh…”

(Coach then gives a longing glance at his favorite player—whom he thrice hugged on the golf course--Travis, and looks for a final appeal…) (NOTE: this is the one point of dispute. Tom and Travis claim that Coach had tears in his eyes which is absolutely untrue. A strained look of disappointment—absolutely—but no tears…)

Travis: “You know Coach—I’m pretty hungry—Golden Corral Sounds pretty good to me.”

Sheep 4 (Tom): “Yeah—sounds great. I was kind of looking forward to it…”

Sheep 3 (Spuds): "Sure." (Nervous laugh.)

Sheep 2: “Sounds good.”

Sheep 1: “Whatever is fine for me…”

Ian: (Stunned. Angry. Finally understanding what Alanis Morisette felt like when she wrote, “You Oughtta Know”.)




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