This is just too phenomenal.
Uhhh...
Leave Britney alone.
Mein Fuhr...
Fox News interviewed Mark Fuhrman as an "unbiased expert" on the OJ situation.
(I sat here for three minutes trying to think of an analogous situation...there isn't one that does it justice. However--I tried the following: Benedict Arnold, Ike Turner, Jeff Galulli, John Wayne Bobbit and Captain Piet from The Empire Strikes Back.)
Something Different…
This is a far cry from what I’m normally writing about, but the question was broached and I felt like I could help enlighten the general public…
A couple of guys I know have approached me about the best means to pick up chicks--and my answer is simple: Church.
I'm not kidding--it is an absolute gold-mine.
Brushing up on the Basics
If you’re like me, your Bible knowledge may have you a touch intimidated to even walk into a church. For an overview of the basics, check out the Brick Testament. (Make sure you look up the bestiality portion—the image of a Lego man taking a pig to the woodshed is something that I’d hate to rob you all of…)
Choosing a Church
I’ve found as a general rule, the more traditional the name, the more traditional the church. For instance, if you’re going to say—“St. Peter’s”—you’re going to get a liturgy-filled Catholic Church. But if you loosen up a bit—and try say—1st Presbyterian Church of San Dimas—the general feeling of the church may be a bit more relaxed…
If you’re really getting crazy though, you can try one of these new extreme churches that make no mention of anything Christian in the name, like “Scum of the Earth”, in Denver, where they collect their offering in a KFC bucket and use the Brick Testament during services.
I’m convinced that somewhere out there, there is a church where they just play the Aristocrats on repeat…haven’t decided what it will be called—but I’d love to hear your suggestions.
What to Wear
The phrase “Church Clothes” doesn’t exactly have the same connotation as it used to. In fact, if I have to categorize what people wear to church, it would be: “stuff that looks like you pulled it off of the floor of your closet even though you didn’t.”
For men, it takes a little preparation. You need to go to the gym for about six months, building a physique where you’re borderline muscular, but completely unathletic. Somewhere in the 6’2”, 160 range will do well—oh—and make sure you get one of those messy-look haircuts. (Yes, I’d essentially described myself—but I could totally take these guys…)
For clothing—try one of those t-shirts with all of the Asian writing on them that look ridiculous…couple it with some trendy jeans and a really gay belt. The basic idea you’re going for here is, “if I wasn’t seeing this guy at the most gay-retardant place on the planet, I’d think this guy was a pillow-biter.”
(Only amendment I’d add to this would be that if you’re part of the worship band, you replace the jeans with an ugly pair of brown pants and hair that hasn't been cut or washed in a decade.)
(There is a guy in the band at my old church used to wear a t-shirt that read LXIX.) (You either understand that or you don't.)
Instant Street Cred...
"Worship" or "Christian Rock Time" as I call it has brought new elements to church that just weren't an option before. It used to be reading from books in terrible tune---now there are video moniters with lyrics and full on rock-bands jamming for the first twenty minutes of every church service. (My church yesterday played Dishwalla, "Counting Blue Cars" yesterday, which made me laugh a bit...)
With this new found worship period...to fit in, it isn't a matter of knowing the lyrics--it is a matter of showing the rest of the church that you are absolutely being moved by praising God.
And how do you do this?
You wave your arms like a Peter, Paul and Mary fan on the positive side of an acid-trip. It is really the only way to prove that you love Jesus and are therefore worthy of corrupting a chick who is so naive and inexperienced that she can get drunk by looking at alcohol. Here are some options:
Easy:
"Songbook": Simple one--just hold your hands in front of you like you're holding a songbook. Close eyes, lift chin about 30 degrees.
"I Once Caught a Fish": Lock elbows into side. Start with palms facing each other, about 6 inches apart--as you move to the chorus of the song, spread the hands to 3 feet and shake your body like you're operating a jackhammer.
Moderate:
"Hip, Hop, Hooray.": Raise left hand as high as you can, sway back and forth. (Sounds easy--but the key on this one is that your sways can't have any consistency or pentameter---and absolutely can't follow the music.)
"Grabbing God": Reach both arms into the air, and stretch your arms further than you thought possible--then make clinching motions with your hands that coincide with tight-shutting of your eyes. You'll have the whole world in your hands in no time...
Difficult:
"Celestial Bench Press": Rock back and forth with your hands floating in front of your chest. During big lines of the song, cock your head back and thrust your arms forward and out. 3 sets, 8 reps per set.
Expert:
"Rodman vs. Malone": This one is generally saved for renditions of traditional famous hymns--you'll see three girls standing next to each other, all doing the Celestial Bench Press as they block out and fight each other for position. (Obviously, coaches stress that you should hold your position until the ball hits the ground.)
Introductions...
Simple--it is just a matter of timing and stalking.
The lights are generally out during these services which blind the people on the inside, but open view to those on the outside. So--knowing that you have 15-20 minutes of Christian Rock Time before things really get going--show up about five minutes late and find the hottest girl in the congregation---then just find a way to sit behind, in front, or next to her. (Christians at church are obnoxiously accomidating--so feel free to push aside children, the elderly and the handicapped to get to your seat.)
From there, the church does it for you----virtually all of them have a moment where you shake hands and introduce yourself...so you don't even have to come up with a line. You'll get a smile and a name without trying.
Then, all you do is drop phrases like, "Small Group", "Witness" and "Mission Trip" and you'll have a line of naive, helpless girls who actually believe you when you say that your "2" sexual partners came before you "found God".
So happy hunting...I wish you the best...
Prognosticator of Prognosticator...
Remind me, did I say Florida and USC in walks, Ohio State in a tough one, and UPS by a solid margin? Just checking.
The Rest of the Week
I'm going to be at a conference in the Vegas the rest of the week that runs from about 7 AM to 11 PM every day...so I won't have much time to write. I am going to try to chronicle my first 24 hours there and then do the same thing when I'm back ten days later for a personal trip so you can contrast the differences between the two...
So likely only one more blog this week--but keep checking.
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