9.7.07

An Apology...

I sprained my wrist and can barely type...so a) this isn't that long, b) there are probably eleven typos, c) my boxing career is in jeopardy.


The Law of Horry...



This title is probably enough to turn off some people, because they don't know who Big Shot Bob is...but bear with me...

Simply put--he is the most-underrated winner in NBA history. He has seven NBA Titles (more than Michael Jordan and Bobby Hurley combined) with three different teams and played an integral role as a crunch-time shooter on every one of those teams.
His statistics on the whole are unimpressive. In a sixteen year career, he doesn't rank in the top 50 all-time in any statistic (no matter how minor) and Basketball Reference has him (statistically) listed as a 3.7% chance for the Hall of Fame--but there isn't even a question as to whether he'll get in--he'll make it on his first opportunity!!

Why?

Because after a while you realize that if someone is part of enough good things, then that person has to be pretty good in their own right.

This idea isn't exclusive to Bobby Horry--or even to sports. Here are a few examples:

Ben Stiller
This is actually how I came up with this idea. Skaw and I were emailing about how we didn't find him funny---and as I think about it---I'm not even sure he's ever done something that has made me laugh.
However---he has some killer movies:
Happy Gilmore (I hate it--but it is a big movie)
There's Something about Mary
Meet the Parents I and II
Dodgeball
Anchorman

Listing him in the by-line is an automatic on-screen success...but does anyone actually LIKE him?? I mean--if you had to watch one comedic actor for the rest of your life, would he even make the top fifty?

Nate Dogg
My late-friend Bryan once said that "Nate Dogg is like the Frank Sinatra of Hip Hop" because he has sung with everyone. It is true though---and I'm not just saying that because Nate Dogg and I have so much in common...
Look at some of the tracks he's put out:
Regulate (w/Warren G)
The Next Episode (w/Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg)
Area Codes (w/Ludacris)
Shake That (w/Eminem)

Let's just put it this way--if you've put out four Hip Hop songs that I've heard of, you're the greatest performer in the history of music.

Jack Morris
Think of how few pitchers in the 80s are looked back at in reverent tones by people of our generation:
Clemens, Ryan, Gooden, Saberhagen, Eckersly, Stewart...and MORRIS.
He won four World Series titles with three different teams in a ten-year span and was absolutely the best pitcher on those teams. Those teams without Morris would have been like Nirvana without Kurt Cobain---a sad, pathetic band that has to produce songs like, "There Goes My Hero."
Leaving him out of the Hall of Fame is a perfect example of how gay Major League Baseball is as an organization. (And don't tell me that the HoF and MLB are separate---I know they are---just like my friend Todd and his ex-girlfriends...)

Jodie Foster
I've told you all before, I have a good friend who does the odds for MGM in Las Vegas--he said the odds of me mentioning Jodie Foster twice in my first four blogs were actually the same as the Magic Johnson Show coming back to television. Odd...
It is hard to include someone who has two best actress awards and 34 major nominations in this group---but she still makes it because you wouldn't think of her.
I realize she's on the mind now--but if you had to list the top ten actresses in movies right now, would she make your list? Probably not...but why not? She's an uber-star. Look at what she's been a part of:
Taxi Driver
The Accused
The Silence of the Lambs
Maverick
Nell
Contact
Panic Room
(We'll excuse her for Flightplan...)

What is keeping her from being included in the top-echelon? Looks that could even be considered borderline-good? Okay...you got me...
But find me a year where she wasn't in the first three rows at the Oscars...

Ryan Seacrest
(And I wonder why I have so many gay readers...)
I won't go into much detail--but he is absolutely central to the most-successful television show of all-time. Tell me you wouldn't trade spots with him.
I would. And I'd wash it down with an ice-cold Budweiser.

Charles Haley
Question: Who is the only person in NFL history to win five Super Bowls as a player?
Answer: Charles Haley
Add to that 100 career sacks, and a decade of dominance in the NFL and you should have a Hall of Famer---instead you have the guy who you accidentally clicked on when you were trying to be Ronnie Lott in Tecmo Bowl.

Horatio Sans
In an era where Saturday Night Live was at its absolute best, he was the best member of the cast--that has to be worth something.
He absolutely transcended comedy, and as his episodes start to hit reruns, people are realizing that his name falls in the same group as Belushi, Murphy, Akroyd, Carvey, Hartman, Farley, and Ferrell.

Just watch.

Okay, so I lied...he blows. But it is a good sketch.


Hellooooooooooo...

My brother writes:
I have had enough with complicated handshakes. I am 29 years old. When I was 17, I could accept being shunned for not knowing the “cool” handshake, but when people are surprised that I don’t know a 5-stage greeting (of their choice) at this age it seems a bit ridiculous. I think it is time we established an international greeting. For those who have decided the handshake is too formal (like me). (I had an intern last summer that shook my hand each morning when he entered the office accompanied with “it’s great to see you”. We made fun of him and called him “the shaker”). I have resigned myself that there are only two acceptable handshakes. First, “”dropping the rock”. This is probably out of style but I admire its simplicity. No embraces, no stages, just a simple collision of two fists.

The second acceptable is obviously the Atlanta Braves slap-slap-chop-chop-chop.



(Quick explanation--the latter is the handshake from the early-90s Braves teams that he and I thought was really cool.)

(Oh--and think about this name: Ron Gant.)

(Feeling better about life all of the sudden??)

My response:
I have to agree. Two things have runneth over:

1) The Man-Pound: (Just a PSA for Mike Vick--if someone offers a "Man Pound" in prison, it means something very different) but what is it saying to someone when you perform the first two steps of the Tango with them to introduce yourself? Quit it.



2) The Shimmy-Shimmy Cocoa Pop: Remember the scene in Big where the retard friend realizes that Tom Hanks is Josh Baskin because he knows all of the hand-signs to the Down Down Baby Song? That's basically what people are doing when they walk up to you, give you the handshake to arm-wrestle-position to thumb-war-position to paper-rock-scissors-position to pound to snap to nod-like-you're-Diddy-at-the-end-of-a-video move. It is just uncomfortable because everyone does it slightly differently. I have a 55-year-old, white client who pulls this on me and we end swatting at each other like Rock'm Sock'm Robots...it's embarrassing.



So we need a solution...let's look at the facts:

-The handshake is disgusting. The sad thing is that it will become socially acceptable to bypass it before it will be acceptable for me to carry a bottle of Purel wherever I go.



-The pound is too stupid to tolerate. It is a great solution, but just makes me feel like Dan Cortese or someone...

-The full-on-hug is still fine with me--but what do I do with people like Curtis? Me trying to hug him would look like a police-chalk line, with me stretching, trying desperately to reach half-way around his body.



-The "Grab the Crotch" thing from Crocodile Dundee thing is awesome, but would be strange when meeting people's parents.


So with all of these so imperfect, can't we adopt from another culture? You uncreative idiots love sushi--so why don't we start bowing? It is classy, respectful and completely sanitary.


People wonder why Japanese people have the longest lifespans...I think it is because they don't spread scabies every day by trying to be polite.

Quick Predictions for the Weekend...

-The Dolphins begin their surprise season by upsetting the Redskins in Washington.

-Notre Dame covers against Penn State, but loses by ten or so. Clausen looks good.

-Michigan beats Oregon soundly.

-Cincinnati continues to score on Oregon State, despite the game ending in the early evening yesterday.

-San Diego shows the NFL that they're as good as advertised and the Bears are not.

Husky Game:
Boise State 52
Washington 28

UW cannot stop BSU's rushing attack...Locker continues to progress...UW fans show their apathy by not being upset by the loss because "it was to a Northwest Team." Homos.

Logger Game:
Puget Sound 32
La Verne 13

Silas Paul (Phi Delta Theta) rushes for 150+ and 3 TDs as the Loggers ROLL over La Verne.

Game of the Week:
LSU 21
Virginia Tech 9

V-Tech's anemic offense fails to score a touchdown against a ridiculous LSU defense.




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