10.11.07

What is Art? Are we Art? Is Science in Context Art?

Most people who have known me for anything more than eleven seconds would place me in a liberal arts college about as quickly as they’d place Madonna and David Beckham in the ranks of classical Jewish scholars.

But for four years, there I was…relentless and questing through a curriculum that seemed to focus more on nothing than it did anything.

Now don’t get me wrong—I loved college. And I loved the mighty University of Puget Sound—but that doesn’t mean it was perfect.

Sure, it had the things that any great university has: sub-standard athletics, women that look more like a Model T than a model, and plenty of barefoot white people telling other students that that the corporations (that their parents/tuition-base probably work for) are all evil and heartless.

But any good thing can get better.

The Jordan-Pippen Bulls of the early 90s added Rodman, Harper and Kukoc for the late-90s version…

The Washington presidency added Adams, Jefferson and Hamilton to its staff…

Warren G added Nate Dogg…

So I said, “HEY…I never put my opinion out there…maybe I should draw a picture of what my ideal university would look like.”

Actually…I came up with the idea for the world’s first CONSERVATIVE Arts College my freshman year, and even spent 4-5 hours of would-be study time in the library with a friend of mine writing down ideas and talking about an implementation plan. (Shockingly it looked a lot like every other college student’s business plan around 2000—“Just ask Bill Gates for money.”) (A word on this…YES…Bill Gates is the biggest philanthropist in the history of mankind (and dog-kind for that matter) but as the great 20th-century philosopher, Scrooge McDuck, once said, “You spend your whole life compiling money—and people just want you to give it away! That’s no way to be wealthy, is it?”)

So, like every other pee-brained idea we had in college (like our year-long journey for a keg of wine) this one pretty much went by the wayside. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it anymore.

With that in mind, I give you, the Arnolds, the one and only Ronald Reagan University of the Conservative Arts:

Campus:

Brick. LOTS AND LOTS OF BRICK. And ivy…can’t have enough ivy.

“How is that different from any other campus in America?” Simple. No glass edifices, no stone buildings with creepy entrances, and certainly no pink physical therapy buildings.

Just brick and ivy. Every building will be part of a quad and every quad will have a small cafeteria.

The football stadium will be big and obnoxious…but also brick and ivy. It will look a lot like Harvard Stadium, just with the roofing-effects of Seahawks’ Stadium.

The basketball arena will be relatively small, 10,000 seats, with one interesting feature. The top 9,000 seats will have large lettering spread across them that can be seen from all angles of the stadium, reading: “These seats would be full if it were a men’s game.”

The Student Union Building will sit in the middle of the campus, and will serve as the main eatery and meeting point for all of the campus’ 5,000 undergraduate students at 2,000 graduate students.

Admissions

Only the best and brightest.

Scholarships will certainly be available, but none of them will be “need-based.” (Students eligible for such scholarships would increase the odds of evil liberal activity around campus.)

80% of the scholarship fund will go to sports, the other 20% will go to outstanding leaders and the sons of politicians and celebrities.

Men will be assessed on the following criteria:

30% Athletics
Division I level athletes are encouraged, but if you didn’t play sports in high school, you probably won’t make the cut.

30% Interview
Mandatory interviews for all students. If you have a question as to why, you clearly haven’t met my brother or my freshman year roommates.

20% Academics
You’ll need a 3.0 and 1000 on the previous SAT scale…but the weight of the academic requirements will be weighted on the Wonderlick Test.

20% Other
Did your father support the GOP in the last election? Is he a Fortune 500 CEO? Is he an original member of Motley Crue? Are you a bookie?

Women will be assessed on the following criteria:

70% Interview
If you have a question why, you clearly didn’t see some of the girls that woke up at my friends’ house at S. 8th/Alder my senior year.

10% Academics
Same minimums with maximums of a 3.75 GPA (unless you have those hot Tina Fey glasses…mmmm…)

10% Income Statements
Daddy’s Rich? Check. (Almost certain with that that Mamma will be good-lookin’.)

9% Other
Similar to men’s, with scholarships for girls who request “co-ed by door” over “co-ed by floor” for freshman living.

1% Athletics
Ride the pine in high school? Biggest contribution to the team the team photo? WE WANT YOU!


Athletics:

Athletics will be the main focus of the campus.

All men’s sports will be supported, with extra focus on football and basketball, as evident by our recent hires.

The football team will be led by former National Championship winner Dennis Erickson, with his esteemed coordinators, Rick Neuheisal and George O’Leary.

In similarly illustrious fashion, the basketball program will be headed by our fantastic new coach, Bobby Huggins, whose assistants, Isaiah Rider, Rueben Patterson and Master P should provide the coaching and culture that we’re looking for.


Women’s sports will operate slightly differently.

As with men’s sports, the top coaches will be hired, most notably Pat Summitt to lead the Women’s Basketball Team. This will come as a surprise to many of you—but we’re fully in support of Title IX. In fact, the women’s team will have the same $10 Million budget that the men’s team will have…with one exception:

All but $600 will be spent on uniforms, thus ensuring an average win total for the women’s team of 0 per year. (And I can't wait to see Pat Summitt's reputation and brain breakdown like a slice of wonderbread in a rain storm.)


Greek Life:

All of the major Greek organizations will be welcomed on campus, with massive white stone houses that surround the entry to the main campus.

Some will ask…even Sigma Chi? Yes, of course. The only caveat for them will be that their doors will not have locks, therefore making them susceptible to attack from other fraternities. (Remember—you can’t know who the cool people are without a few tools.)

Sororities will function much in their normal fashion. Obnoxious, slutty, and generally perfect. The only thing that the school will add underground treadmills that will allow girls to re-enter their houses without making the infamous “walk of shame”. Much in the spirit of the Sigma Chi doors, these treadmills will have live camera feeds to the dining hall at Phi Delta Theta.

Oh—and hazing will happen early and often.

I really think I’m on to something with this one…


Bookstore:

Yes, the bookstore will sell books…but the bookstore will also offer a few things that—you know—MAY ACTUALLY HELP STUDENTS AND ALUMNI!

Things like:
-Beer
-Food that consists of something other than sugar
-The classic white college baseball cap with RRU in bold across the middle with “Ronald Reagan” across the top of the bold lettering and “Elephants” across the bottom of the bold-lettering.
-A simple, white polo shirt bearing the logo of the University on the left lapel. (And another option in the main color of the school—obviously RRU is red, white and blue.)
-Athletic gear that has sizes based on 2007 instead of 1957
-That classic “I went to college” sticker that students can put on their back window, simply, “Ronald Reagan University”.
-Classically styled SILVER license plate frames that read, “Alumni” “Ronald Reagan University”.

Here’s a thought for people that have a say over booking items in a college: If the students and alumni of your school can’t find something with the school brand that they want to wear, they’re NOT GOING TO WEAR IT. (And your school loses its best possible marketing opportunity.)

Curriculum:

Here are your options for an undergraduate major:

Business
Economics
Pre-Law
Pre-Med

(Oh—and “General Studies” for athletes.)

The Graduate schools will be:

Business
Economics
Law
Medicine


This is a private school, but it is a conservative private school. It doesn’t see the logic in paying more per year in tuition that your major will ever allow you to EARN!!

School Officials:

President: Newt Gingrich
Dean of Students: Ben Stein
Dean of Academics: George Will


Other:

-Students caught with Frisbees will be expelled.

-Partitions between urinals. (This isn’t so much a college thing as much as something that needs to happen everywhere.

-Students will give up their right to free speech and to assembly upon enrollment.

-There will be mandatory church service every Sunday (unless…you know…you’re just not feeling it.)

-There will be a massive on-campus training facility with televisions everywhere. There will be one remote control and only management will be allowed to use it. TV channels will breakdown as following, unless because of a major television event:

40% ESPN
30% CNN
10% ESPNews
10% CNBC
10% Headline News

Under no circumstance will MTV be played, and/or the Food Network. I have no problem with the Food Network, but it probably isn’t the best thing to play in the gym is it?

-Freshman, sophomores and juniors will be required to take a PE class both semesters. Senior women are required at least one semester, senior men (unless athletes) are not allowed in the training facility under any circumstance.

-There will be lots of parking on campus (even at the risk of demolishing trees.)

-All “R.A.’s” will be required during their interview to drink a fifth of tequila in under two hours so they EFFING UNDERSTAND!



I could go on further…but you get the idea…



What am I forgetting??
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