10.16.07

City of Dreams

I reference my hometown frequently--but it probably hasn't had adequate introduction.

I grew up in Kent, Washington, which was the second incorporated city in King County (after Seattle). Originally, it was the valley that existed between Seattle and Tacoma that provided much of the agriculture that aided the rapid growth of the industrial (Tacoma) and metropolitan (Seattle) cities that surrounded it. (I found out my junior year in college that according to tests on the nutrients in the soil and water-retention, the Kent Valley has the most-fertile soil in the contiguous United States.)

Since, the city has grown to develop its own industries. The industry of Kent...is...uh...just that--industry. The third-largest industrial area in the United States--the city now sprawls well into the surrounding hills and is the eighth largest city in Washington.

Housing naturally followed growth, but with growth moving faster than builders could respond, poor-built, simple tract-housing turned what was once a fertile hillside into glorified slums. (Even today, in the out-lying parts of the city, you can see new-construction homes going up with pretty paint, but shoddy workmanship and tiny lots.) At some point, these slums became the focal point of a city with otherwise great potential into a joke at the hands of Seattle-ites and inhabitants of Lake Washington's east-side.

Many cities are marked by a single event that thrust it into the nation's eye: Chicago's fire. San Francisco's earthquakes.

Kent was thrust into a national scope by a local comedy troupe that did an evening sketch-comedy show called "ALMOST LIVE!" that preceded Saturday Night Live on the local NBC-affiliate. (ALMOST LIVE!'s 16-year-run was made most-famous by serving as the launching-pad for Bill Nye "The Science Guy" to national prominence.)

How does this make it a "national" story? When comedy central first developed on satellite TV (I'm talking NASA-satellite---where you used to turn to channel G-7 and pickup a public access show from Minnetonka, MN) in 1992, somehow, someone decided that a local comedy show from Seattle, whose jokes were entirely local, and whose appeal was entirely local would somehow catch the attention of a national-audience.

It didn't--but the show's staple fallback of "We don't have any good material--just make fun of Kent!" was sent to satellites all over the country.

The city never recovered.


Teenagers whose great-grandparents dreamed of Jefferson's agrarian paradise in the West were finding themselves smoking pot on the hood of a Trans Am the night before the State Championship Football game only to secure their spots on the long list of "Guys who never left Kent."

Education meaningless. Dreams wasted. Hopes dashed.

The "successful" of Kent end up attending Green River Community College (or "Harvard on the Hill" as it is referred to) and affording rims for the '78 Mustang whose sound-system has a lot of "base". (Sidebar--GRCC is a PHENOMENAL community college--but it is great because of its ability to be a spring-board. I assume that I can speak for their entire staff when I say that they don't intend for their students to roll in and then quit their education as soon as they achieve their AA.)

Farmers have been replaced by murderers. (The Green River Killer).

Dreams of heavy industry have been replaced by a Barbecue place. (The Caveman).


But that's not to say that there haven't been attempts to restore Kent to its proud beginnings...

In 1999, Ryan Kalalau, a graduate of Kent's Kent-Meridian High School managed to convince better than 90% of the private-school-educated University of Puget Sound campus that Kent was not in fact Seattle's armpit--but rather its heart and soul. And that the graffitied sequoias that were leaning on a trailer were actually palm trees lining mansions. (It was only upon visiting the town that sat only 20 minutes north that these students realized that Ryan was simply a confused Hawaiian with a tribal haircut.)

And so Kent remains--its history buried at the bottom of an 18-pack of Keystone, and its future burning in the basement of a meth-lab.



Of the few that actually made it out of this dreadful place--here is a list of the 15 most-prominent Kentonians of the past 50 years...

15. Jay Garthwaite: A baseball player who while attending the University of Washington broke the Pac-10 Home Run record for a freshman, previously held by Mark McGwire and Reggie Jackson. Although disliked by many of his boyhood classmates, Jay has become the stuff of urban legend. Known in college for his temper-laden tirades, and in high school for a "Step across the plate during a pitch-out" that was rumored to have flown 500 ft--Jay's baseball exploits, like him or not, remain a staple to Kent lore.

14. McFly: A well-known Internet blogger whose readership spread as far as South Africa, with heavy-focus in the areas of Seattle, WA, San Francisco, CA and Newport Beach, CA. His career was cut short after being brutally murdered when numbers 10 and 5 read this list.

13. Stephen Campbell: While a wide-receiver at Brown, Campbell broke the all-time NCAA marks for receptions in a season and a career (both then held by Jerry Rice.) He was nice to puppies and apparently the younger brothers of his friends--but I'll tell you what--I don't care if the guy now runs a fleet of tanning salons--if you break ANY record held by Jerry Rice, you're doing something right.

12. Ana Cosme (No link available): While a student at Kentwood High School was an original member of KING-TV's Watch This, a variety show aimed at teenagers which was the first in the country to launch a response to Kurt Cobain's suicide. (Oh--and her brother had a black car that he drove REALLY fast.)

11. Courtney Thompson: The younger-sister of a Rhodes' Scholar, Courtney had big shoes to fill--but figuratively (as opposed to "literally") turned the volleyball world upside down by winning National Player of the Year honors as a) a setter and b) an undersized setter. Leading the team to a National Title, Thompson now plays with the US National Team.

10. JJ Hanson (REALLY angry there is no link available): JJ Hanson was a Kent icon, having won two high school state titles in wrestling and earning playing-time on the University of Washington's 1992 National Championship Football Team. With the honors behind him, he returned to Kentwood as an advisor, working as a coach and taking a limited role in student-programs. Somewhere in the area of 2001, he was arrested and convicted at another high school for providing students CRACK-COCAINE while on a SCHOOL TRIP and then receiving ORAL SEX from both MALE STUDENTS.
I bring this up because I knew JJ moderately well. Not NEARLY as well as my friend (to protect the identity of a sexual-assault-near-victim, we'll call him) "Cliff Notavec". Cliff served not only as a quarterback and safety under JJ's watchful-eye, but also as the Secretary/Treasurer of some sort of Rainbow Coalition group that JJ put together seemingly to spend time with Cliff. (I was asked to join the group and even had a couple of breakfasts with JJ and my then-sidekick Cliff. Upon his arrest, we found that he lured in the two students by scheduling regular breakfasts with them to talk about "life".) (Uggh....I need to go bathe in bleach.)

9. Jess Daley: A state-champion golfer in high school, turned First Team All-American in college at Northwestern, turned PGA Tour player--Jess Daley is easily my favorite person on this list (save 14.) There were many tales about Jess, all of which I can confirm to be true. My two favorites are:
1. Jess screaming in anger upon reaching the 15th hole at our home course--at the time the most-difficult hole on the course--as it was closed for repair. Why was he screaming? He'd birdied 9 of the first 14 holes and he, "can't birdie it if it was closed."
2. Playing in frozen-rain, Jess and I, the only two players on the golf course, reached the 9th hole at our home course. Normally a 530-yard par five that is virtually-impossible to reach in two, under the conditions was probably playing closer to 600 yards. Jess, of course, routinely nestled his ball next to the green in two shots, and then looked at me and said, "If I don't birdie this hole, I'm going to snap this wedge over my knee." When he chipped-in (for eagle!) he turned to me, paused, shrugged his shoulders...and snapped the wedge over his knee. A man of his word and an all-around great guy. (Excuse me while I remove myself from his crotch...)

8. Ernie Conwell: I can say with a fair amount of confidence that he is the only Kent-resident to ever:
-Win a Super Bowl and a National Championship
-Break ribs while bench-pressing 550 lbs...WITHOUT A SPOTTER
-Be known as "the strongest man in the NFL."



7. Mike Karney: Soon-to-be All-pro fullback for the Saints. Karney is best-known in Kent-lore for:

-Doing leg-workouts in high school by pushing his family car

-Making 5-straight 3-pointers as an eighth-grader for Cedar Heights Junior High in a 9th-grade game (4 of which were directly over my exhausted face).

-Scoring three touchdowns in a Sunday Night Football game in '06--making him the biggest (male) sex-symbol in the history of Kent

6. Wade Cook: Labeled the "Mormon Money Machine", Wade Cook was a national-icon in the late-90s, earning fame as a self-proclaimed financial guru. His opinion and thoughts were so well-thought-of, that Cook actually won a lawsuit against world-renowned business coach, Tony Robbins, for Robbins copying Cook's ideas.
As with most successful Kent-residents, his success (once worth over $200 million) was short-lived, and after a variety of legal troubles, Cook fell on hard times...losing a tax-evasion suit to the US Government which he is still paying-off today.

5. Chauncey Stansberry: The only (known) sex-offender from my era at Kentwood High School. You really can't make this stuff up--despite never playing a minute of high school basketball, his senior quote was, "Some people say I play like Mike--some people say I play like Rodman. But you got to do yo own thing--be yo-self." (I swear, God as my witness, I will never forget that quote.)

4. Sarah Larson: Socialite and current girlfriend of George Clooney. Received national attention when the two of them crashed on Clooney's vintage Harley Davidson motorcycle.

This one genuinely bothers me--I took her younger sister to a dance once but didn't have a trained-enough eye at 16 to realize that the older-sister who was there when I picked her up would grow up to be THIS. (Good for her though...I don't know her--but both her sisters were cool girls...I assume she is too. And hell--given the opportunity--I'd date George Clooney...)

3. Rodney Stuckey: After being forced to attend Eastern Washington University instead of a larger school, because of academic concerns--Rodney made the most of it, becoming one of the leading scorers in the country and earning a first-round selection by the Detroit Pistons. (Why does a rookie who has yet to play a game get more credit than all of the accomplished athletes on this list? BECAUSE FULLBACKS DON'T SELL SNEAKERS, MIKEY!)

2. Jeff Jaeger: The University of Washington's all-time leading-scorer, Jaeger played eleven years in the NFL with the Browns, Raiders and Bears, establishing himself as one of the most-reliable kickers in the NFL.
When he visited my second-grade class, we were all given miniature Browns footballs for him to sign. I asked him to sign a green football made of construction paper that read "Packers" on it because, "My dad likes the Packers".

1. Ann and Nancy Wilson: The sisters were (and still are) the original and only constant members of the iconic rock-band, Heart. Among their classic hits, Alone and What About Love? remain absolute IPOD-essentials. The band has survived four decades and close to 50 band-members, but the two sisters remain the centerpiece. (Their wiki-profile says they're from Bellevue, but they lived on Kent's Scenic Hill.)


DID I FORGET SOMEONE?

Hit me up: mcflyblogs@gmail.com