10.29.07

Complaints…

I received a complaint Friday that my blog had grown tiresome. The reader mentioned that quality had fallen, and my insistence on taking days off was irritating.

A couple of thoughts here:

1) Quality hasn’t been great lately. The fires in Southern California have pretty much bound me to my apartment, which obviously reduces the amount of time I with the general public—which in turn reduces the amount of fodder I have to create complaints about said public. I’m writing this on a plane from Minneapolis back to Orange County—so with hope, the air-quality has improved, and I can resume observing the world’s most moronic species.

2) This was never meant to be a daily production. The problem is that without a tracking-mechanism on blogger, I have no idea who is reading and who isn’t. Therefore—I fear that taking days off will make people forget to check the blog, and readership will plummet.
Conversely…by not taking days off, the quality of the writing falls dramatically. So it is po-tay-toe, toe-ma-toe really…

3) Until people start telling me what they want to read about, I’m going to continue to produce the same illogical, scatterbrained drivel that you’ve been reading lately. Does everyone know my email address by heart at this point? If not, you’re a moron.

Shame…

Shame that the Red Sox won last night for two reasons.

1. We have to listen to a year’s worth of the most-irritating fans in the world saying that “’We’ won the World Series!”

2. I didn’t get to make the joke that I had planned for today’s blog, which was:
“Rumor has it that the Rockies have asked John Denver to perform double-duty tonight, both singing the National Anthem and doing the pre-game fly-by.”

Judgment Day

I know that the Bible says that we’re not supposed to go around judging people—and that we should leave that up to God…but that doesn’t mean we can’t make guesses as to who will be judged, right? I mean—Vegas odds-makers don’t determine the outcome of sporting events (theoretically) but they still make educated guesses as to how those outcomes will play out. So I’m going to go ahead and give myself a pass, as I offer you a list of people that, assuming there is no point-shaving going on, are headed straight to a fire-drenched existence. Here goes:

Hotel bartenders: I’m not talking about the guys in Vegas flipping bottles and scoring phone-numbers from recent-divorcees—but rather “Joe” the guy who works at the Marriott in the business park and has the education of a doorstop. I don’t have any concrete evidence to back this up, but I’ve heard a statistic that 95% of the episodes of Law and Order SVU were written about hotel bartenders, but were changed for television to eliminate monotony. I mean—think about it. They know precisely how much everyone has had to drink, they can generally infer whether they’re traveling alone or not—and oh yeah—THEY HAVE YOUR ROOM NUMBER! (Girls and effeminate men—just remember to use the security lock next time you have a couple of appletinis in the lobby bar.)

People that still pay cash for gasoline: Let’s think about this for a second: You have the opportunity to take advantage of perhaps the greatest technological advance of the past 2,000 years (the credit-card swipe at the gas-tank) and you pass it up to pay cash. Anyone who wants to avoid credit-cards that much obviously has a reason for it---not to mention that gas prices have reached a point where if you are carrying enough cash to pay for a full tank, you are clearly a drug-dealer.

Mr. Spacely, Owner, Spacely Space Sprockets: Just for what he’s done over the years to poor George Jetson. One day he promotes George to Vice President, and the next day he takes the position away (which from an organizational standpoint is ridiculous, because I’ve never seen any evidence that Spacely Space Sprockets has employees other than Spacely, Jetson and Spacely’s robot secretary). At this point, George has been tossed more times than the football at a Trinity game.
(Note: some will argue that The Jetsons is fictional. Others will argue that it is a cartoon. Even more will argue that it hasn’t produced new episodes in about thirty years…but to these naysayers, I say: “Screw that—Spacely’s a prick.”)
(Second Note: Youtube gives "suggested links" after you bring up a search. Am I the only person who after typing in, "trinity football" received a suggested link entitled, "sex porn breasts sexy girls boobs tits breasts nude"? I normally don't print that kind of thing...but that is HILARIOUS)

People that get in a “down” elevator and press a floor that requires them to go up and then complains about it: This offense to humanity is particularly heinous. I have no doubt that the dwellings for these people will sit right between Adolf Hitler and Ty Cobb…
There is no correlation of criminal activity on this one, but if you’re old (and seemingly intelligent) enough to ride an elevator alone, I’d hope that you’ve mastered the concept of “Up and Down”. And the most-pathetic thing about these people is that they’re generally traveling with someone! The conversations are priceless:

Them (to nobody in general): Why are we going down?

You: I…uh…don’t know?

(Then you reach your floor…)

Them (to their traveling partner: Jeez…we were on well before him, why did it go to his floor?

As though you cut in line!
Here’s the proper way to answer the next time someone poses that question:

Them: Why are we going down?

You: BECAUSE GOD HATES YOU!


People who drink Dr. Pepper: REALLY? You had a choice of eleven sodas, water, milk, thirteen types of flavored water and you chose Dr. Effing Pepper? (Right now people that drink the soda designed for kids who wore their scout uniforms to elementary school are confused…let me clarify…)

Dr. Pepper and the Job Interview:
Interviewer: Can I get you anything to drink? Coffee, water, soda?
Interviewee: Dr. Pepper would be great.
Interviewer: Thanks for coming in…we’ll let you know.

Dr. Pepper and the Blind Date:
Guy: Would you like something to drink?
Girl: Sure—what are you having?
Guy: I’ll probably have a Dr. Pepper.
(Silence as girl is text-messaging the police under the table.)

Al Gore: I realize that “taking credit for the actions and ideas of others” isn’t one of the Ten Commandments, but that is only because “The Eleven Commandments” would have sounded stupid.

Airline executives: Why? This is an actual transcript from a meeting of the heads of Alaska, Northwest and American Airlines about ten years ago:

“Next on the agenda…Partnership. Okay guys—here’s the idea: we’ll tell everyone that we’re ‘partner’ airlines, so when someone is traveling outside our range they’ll feel the necessity of flying the other guys’ airline because all American travelers are slaves to their frequent-flyer plans. But here’s the kicker—if they book a flight through our airline and it is on the other guys’ plane, not only will we not treat them with the level of service that they come to expect from their home airline, we’ll treat them as though they are completely stupid and worthless to us—which of course they are! Plus—we’ll save money in paying for employee therapy bills because we’ll just have them focus all of their hate and anger on the other guys’ customers! All in favor?”

“YEA”

“All opposed?”

(Silence)

The Owners of the MALL OF AMERICA: Billy and I checked this place out for a couple of hours on Friday…unbelievable. It has EVERYTHING there that could force you to spend money and stay for a VERY long time. It’s like Vegas, only subtle. I mean—I never would have left, but I couldn’t find a store selling heroin and I needed a fix…

Non-soldiers/hunters who wear camouflage: Does anyone else see the ridiculous irony in the fact that the style centers on the idea that people will wear garments designed to blend in with the surroundings in an effort to stand out?

The guy in seat 4C who is presently eating a delicious-looking Dove Ice Cream Bar while I sit one row behind him, but in coach, starving as I listen to Lionel Richie on my IPOD: Because screw that guy…




McFly’s Top Ten

1. Boston College: They’re still undefeated and just beat Virginia Tech in what was probably the worst game and best finish of the season thus far. If they can realize that Florida State is no longer worthy of fearing, they should coast to the National Championship and deservedly-so.

2. Ohio State: I’m still holding out hope that they’re going to lose one of these last few games and fall somewhere around 20th in the country…but we’re running out of chances QUICKLY. (By the way…between the blunders of the Fed-Ex Cup, the Rockies-Diamondbacks NLCS and the potential of a Boston College-Ohio State National Championship Game, the prices of advertising on television sporting events have dropped dramatically. In fact, I just scored 5 straight minutes of air-time during the Super Bowl for a 1989 Fleer Willie McGee card.)

3. LSU: The best team…but they’ve got a loss.

4. Oregon: The OTHER best team…but they’ve got a loss.

5. Arizona State: If they run the table, it will mean that in the next month, they’ll knock-off Oregon and USC (after beating Cal handily Saturday night) and I still don’t see a scenario where they can jump LSU. Shame.

6. Oklahoma: They may as well stop playing…they can’t recover from the Nebraska loss—there just isn’t enough competition in the Big 12 to vault them forward.

7. Kansas: Again…the curse of the Big 12—except worse because they’re undefeated…

8. Missouri: (See two above…maybe I made a mistake somewhere…)

9. Hawaii: They’re not a top ten team, but everyone else has 7 losses…

10. West Virginia: So they’re now in a battle with UConn for the Big East title…they play November 24. I may not skip the Apple Cup to watch that game.


Current Projected National Championship Game: Boston College vs. Oregon