10.31.07

Happy Halloween.

Isn't it a little trite to say "Happy Halloween" as though it is a real holiday? Screw Halloween.


LA Preminition...

I haven't been in Southern California that long, but I've realized something about the LA media and the sports fans that rely on them for information.

The media is very good and the fans are very apathetic...therefore what the media says, inevitably comes to be.

Want proof?

-Kobe Bryant was booed at last night's season opener after the media whole-heartedly endorsed his being traded.

-Joe Torre will be named Dodger's manager before the end of the week because the LA Times suggested that he may be a better fit than Grady Little.

-Alex Rodriguez will be either a Dodger or an Angel because the media has created a large enough uprising from the fans that the team that DOESN'T get him will be outcast.

But here is the big one--just breaking this week...

Karl Dorrell is out...Rick Neuheisal is in.
That's right--Tricky Ricky will be back in the Pac-10 next year, only this time at his alma mater.

Here's the thing--I love the University of Washington. I wouldn't root against them if they were playing a team comprised of 22 Jesuses. But I will be at the UW-UCLA game next year (even if I'm living in Kenya) and look forward to the result?

Why?

Because Washington will still be coached by the most-overhyped, under-qualified coach in NCAA history, and they'll be playing against the coach that they made the tragic mistake of forcing out.
So despite hoping that Washington wins that game, I'm going to walk out of the stadium with my head held high after seeing Neuheisal beat Washington by 200 points because any university stupid enough not to fire Tyrone Willingham DESERVES IT.

Eureka

So I thought long and hard, read about every possible industry and profession—and I’ve finally realized that the thing that I loathe the most is going to be what I make my mark at. That thing:

Reality television.

So here is my idea:
I’m going to follow-up on the popularity of Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator” and start my own show, entitled, “So Your Brother is a Pervert”…(working title…)

The Premise:

Very similar to the original show in the beginnings. We’ll have a team of coffee-drinking, beard-having, late-80s-toirtoise-shell-square-glasses-wearing guys pretending to be teenage girls on the interweb, chatting with whomever they can.

When they find a guy who is particularly perverted, they send him to the designated house, where he’ll enter, hear the voice of an actress saying, “I’ll be right out” but here’s where it changes—instead of Chris Hansen walking out—I walk out.

The Plot:

So I’ll be there with the guys and I’ll begin to do what Chris Hansen does—make them uncomfortable, read some of the things they wrote—and then start throwing in accusations to really spook them out…

“You told the girl that you wanted her to read you Charlotte’s Web and emphasize that all of the characters were nude…”

“You mentioned that you were into role-playing and that you wanted this girl whom you thought was 15 to pretend she was a 39-year-old divorcee…”

“You said you were Guatemalan—but you’re actually Panamanian, aren’t you?”

“You wanted the girl to cover her nipples so she looked more like the Barbies you used to steal from your younger sister and stare at…”

“Your family tree is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong…”


At this point, the pervert gets freaked and bolts for the door where a group of fake police officers pretend to detain him. Because they’re not real cops, they don’t have to worry about police brutality, and they just absolutely beat the snot out of him. (Humor--CHECK. Belittling of random people--CHECK. Questionably legal violence--CHECK!)

Then the fake police drive him into the crappiest part of town and into an unmarked building…

The Climax:

When he goes into the building, expecting to get booked for solicitation of a minor, he walks into the dark room and…

“SURPRISE!!!!”

His whole family, all of his friends, his employer, and every ex-girlfriend he’s ever had are waiting there for him, throwing a party, celebrating the fact that they get to make fun of him for the rest of his life for this.

Then I walk around interviewing all of the family and friends and get awesome quotes…such as:

From his uncle:
“I always wanted a nephew who could set me up with underage chicks.”

From his mother:
“He’s been so dedicated to this for so long…I’m glad he finally got to meet a nice young girl.”

From his 15-year-old sister:
“No, I don’t feel uncomfortable having girls to spend the night at the house, even though he’s there—he’s always giving us grape juice and these little blue candy pills—all my friends really like him.”

From his ex-girlfriend:
“I only came because I thought he finally got arrested and I’d have a reason to be attracted to him again. I’m out of here…”



Oh yeah—and the fake police will be male strippers.



I got one GREAT email yesterday and would love to do a mailbag--keep em coming: mcflyblogs@gmail.com