11.13.07

Hmm...

Marko actually sent in a decent link--which proves that even a broken sundial is right once a day...



Tis the Season…

I hate to remind everyone, but we’re sitting at 42 (or somewhere near there…I don’t know what day I’m hitting “Publish” on this one…) shopping days until Christmas. (And by that previous parenthetic statement, I've left the impication that I can't change this once I've written it...which is entirely untrue...but I digest...)

And considering that over 50% of gift-purchases last year were done online, it is a sign that we need to start earlier and earlier in our shopping to ensure that the crappy gifts that we buy get there on time.

But maybe “crappy” is a little rough. It isn’t as though we don’t WANT to buy nice, expensive gifts for people—it is just that whatever we find is too expensive.

So I said to myself—HEY—why not go to the source of the greatest gifts in the world, look at what is hot and awesome this year and suggest some similar alternatives that may help us through the season.

What is that source you ask?

What else?

Skymall.


So off we go, in no particular order or classification…

Item: E-Z Chord
What is it? A device that can be placed on the strings of a guitar that allows you to learn how to “play” every chord in an hour. Just press one of the five buttons and BANG—you’ve got an F-sharp.
Cost: $49.99
The Lure? Uh…in 60 minutes you can be called onto the stage by the Stones to fill in (that’s assuming you carry this ridiculous apparatus wherever you go.)
What do you get the person who wants to play the guitar without learning? Oh—I don’t know. Maybe buy them a 12-pack of O’Douls so the person receiving the gift can go out and get in a fake-fight.

Item: TRACKing Key
What is it? A low-tech, GPS-based lojack that a parent can put on their child’s car so they know where they are at all times.
Cost: $249.99
The Lure: Wipe out all of the creativity and risk of being a parent.
What do you get for the parent with trust issues? A leash with a 5 mile chain.

Item: THUNDERBOLT Storm Detector
What is it? A handheld device that can track lightning strikes within 125 miles and count the number of strikes digitally.
Cost: $429.99
The Lure: Always having more information than your coworkers when they start a conversation, “How ‘bout that storm last night?”
What do you get for someone who needs to know the exact number of times lightning strikes a particular area? A book. Any book. Any book will give this person something more interesting to talk about that the number of lightning strikes that have hit in the past 24 hours.

Item: FATHead
What is it? A nearly-life-sized sticker of your favorite athlete to post on the wall of your home.
Cost: $79.95-99.95
The Lure: The opportunity to tell your friends that you care about your particular team or player more than they do without wearing a jersey to work (though you probably will anyway.)
What do you get for the person who thinks it is socially acceptable to have a 5’ tall sticker of Randy Johnson in your living room? A divorce lawyer. If he thinks this is going to fly, he’s well on his way to needing one…

Item: Regal Lion Sentinels of Grisham Manor Sculptures
What is it? Two stone 3’x 2.5’ x 2’ lions for your entryway.
Cost: $350.00 for the pair.
The Lure: The neighbor has a welcome mat…you have two giant stone lions.
What do you get for the person who thinks that stone lions will make their place look manly? Sigma Nu letters. (Haha…very few of you get that, but I think it is HILARIOUS.)

Item: Smart Ramp
What is it? A rubber-aluminum ramp to put at the base of a car door to allow dogs to walk out of the car more easily.
Cost: $119.00
The Lure: No more worries about your dog falling…um…18 inches.
What do you get the dog who is too decrepit or stupid to get out of a car? Euthanization. (I may get more negative emails about this one than my John Denver joke from a couple of weeks ago…)

Item: Knievel Signature Racing Set
What is it? A set of ramps, motorcycles, tracks, and action figures to let kids live out the adventures of Evel and Robbie Knievel.
Cost: $99.99
The Lure: Flips, speed, adventure at a child’s fingertips.
What do you get the kid who has parents that believe that the Knievel’s are role-models? Maybe a flame-thrower or Dan Akroyd’s Bag ‘O Glass.

Item: Harry Potter Illuminating Wand Collection
What is it? A set of three different magic wands from “Voldemort”, “Harry Potter” and “Hermione Granger” to play sorcerer with your friends and family with.
Cost: $39.50 each.
The Lure: Magic, the mystic arts, and the guidance of a SHOCKINGLY homosexual teacher.
What do you get the child who really wants Harry Potter artifacts and collectibles? Hmm…I don’t know…but some team sports probably wouldn’t hurt at this point, would they??

Item: Interactive Star Wars Lightsaber Game
What is it? A handheld lightsaber with a DVD game that allows you to train and then engage in battles with rebel-forces.
The Cost: $49.95
The Lure: The opportunity to feel just like Luke in “A New Hope” on the Millennium Falcon.
What do you get someone who wants to play with lightsabers and pretend they’re a Jedi? You get them this game—it is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen and if I brought it to San Francisco, it and a case of Miller High Life are probably enough to show off my friend John and my true colors, rendering him unmarriable to his bride-to-be…

Item: ZERO-G: The Weightless Experience
What is it? A chance to fly on a plane that takes you high enough out of the atmosphere that you achieve weightlessness.
The Cost: $3675.00
The Lure: The chance to feel like an astronaut without having to worry about education, training and developing a palate for Tang.
What do you get the person that wants to float through the air? Crack. Lots and lots of crack. It will cost less and leave them flying higher

Item: Orbiter Electronic Listening Device
What is it? A SWAT-esque reverse-megaphone that allows you to pick up distinct sounds from as far away as 300ft.
The Cost: $59.95
The Lure: Superhuman hearing has to be a nice bonus…
What do you get for the person that thinks it is necessary to have the ability to hear his neighbors conversations? A restraining order.

Item: Pocket Rock-It! (How did that possibly get through R and D?)
What is it? A miniature-bodied guitar with a full-sized playing surface that fits in the overhead compartment of airplanes.
The Cost: $499.99
The Lure: What’s the point of going to Vegas if you can’t bring a girl back to your room and jam the easy cords of “Your Body is a Wonderland” to her?
What do you get the guy who needs a guitar that he can take on the road with him? The customized headphone-amp and the High Sierra “Gig Bag” accessories—clearly this guy was BORN TO ROCK!

Item: Lil’ Chill Shot
What is it? A miniature refrigeration unit/dispenser for liquor.
The Cost: $169.99
The Lure: No measuring shots, no wasted freezer space, just cold booze with the turn of a knob.
What do you get the person who wants to have Jager on tap? A ride. Not only that—if you are pouring enough shots for yourself on a weekly-basis that the time/effort of opening bottles and pouring is becoming cumbersome, you may want to attend a meeting or two…

Item: The Learning Tower
What is it? A plastic stool that raises to 18” to allow children to stand on it and take part in tabletop learning activities that were previously only for big kids.
The Cost: $169.99
The Lure: Along with the Pull-up diaper and candy cigarettes, it is a chance for your toddler to feel like he or she is a little older.
What do you get the child who wants to reach things they couldn’t before? Uh…a box? A chair? A pile of books? You could probably buy a miniature Genie Lift for the cost of this plastic piece of s***.

Item: 18” Freddie Mercury Action Figure (with Sound!)
What is it? A miniaturized version of the late head singer of Queen.
The Cost: $44.95
The Lure: A chance to have a miniaturized, mustached, leather-pant-wearing guy sing “I Want to Ride My Bicycle” to you while you’re completing your expense report.
What do you get the man who wants a tiny little Freddie Mercury to display on his desk? A stack of Hustler magazines and a blood-test.

THAT'S THE NEWS, FOLKS, and I am OUTTA HERE!!!! mcflyblogs@gmail.com