11.2.07

You Win...

I was planning on doing another bit about the extent to which I hate Lance Armstrong and everything that he stands for...but he's changed my mind.

He's still not one of the greatest athletes of all-time (while he is probably in the top 50 most ACCOMPLISHED).

He's still a shameless self-promoter who has used CANCER for fame. Yes...CANCER.

And he still bastardized his entire family.

But I can no longer fault the guy.

(Note: I expect this new-found reverence to last approximately one month--when he breaks up with Ashley for Mary Kate.)

Picks

This weekend looks easy--let's see if I can bat .300...

#21 Wisconsin at #1 Ohio State
Ohio State is going to absolutely throttle Wisconsin and people are going to give them credit for it--the issue is that Wisconsin is probably the worst team in America.
Ohio State 28-7.

Florida State at #2 Boston College
(See above.)
BC--35-9.

#3 LSU at #17 Alabama
Every big SEC game is close--that said, LSU is a far better football team.
LSU--27-17.

#4 Arizona State at #5 Oregon
Obviously the game of the week--perhaps the game of the year. I think Arizona State is very good--but this is the beginning of a VERY tough run for them. Oregon is just too good on offense...
Oregon: 38-28.

Texas A&M at #6 Oklahoma
Oklahoma needs people to start losing. They'll have a big game in the Big 12 Title Game---but it likely won't be enough.
Oklahoma: 30-13.

Nebraska at #8 Kansas
That's right---KANSAS is favored by 19 against NEBRASKA in FOOTBALL.
Here's the thing though---they almost cover!
Kansas: 38-23.

#9 Missouri at Colorado
I'm about the only person who isn't in love with Mizzou and I think that Colorado is on the way back. Not to mention the fact that Colorado will be suiting up 3 actual Buffaloes for this game.
CU in an upset: 24-20.

Troy at #10 Georgia
Don't tell me that SEC teams don't play tough non-conference schedules!
Georgia: 132-2.

#12 Michigan at Michigan State
This game scares me as I am still clinging to the hope that Michigan runs the table and steals the Big 10...I'm picking Michigan out of loyalty, but they've got to play VERY well to win this game. (Great writing McFly.)
Michigan: 19-17.

Rutgers at #13 UConn
UConn--I hope you enjoyed your run to the top...time to prepare for hoops season.
Rutgers: 34-20.

#15 Texas at Oklahoma State
Who is worse? Wisconsin, Virginia Tech or Texas? I say Wisconsin...but not by much.
Oklahoma State: 28-16.

Tennessee Tech at #16 Auburn
Interesting--I love Diet Coke but hate lite mayonnaise...
Auburn: 1-0.

Cincinnati at #18 South Florida
Remember a couple of weeks ago when Cincy was a chique pick? They're not anymore. The best team in the Big East rolls...
South Florida: 24-6.

Oregon State at #19 USC
Everyone is picking this as an easy upset---but as I point out frequently, everyone is stupid.
USC: 31-17.

Vanderbilt at #20 Florida
Eventually, the most-athletic team in the country has to succeed.
Florida: 20-10.

San Jose State at #22 Boise State
My prediction for this game? Boise State wins big and their fans will act really gay.
BSU: 41-14.

#24 Wake Forest at #23 Virginia
I've thought Wake was a good team all season--finally they're playing well.
Wake Forest: 19-16.

#25 Clemson at Duke
What happened at the end of the top 25 poll? Did all of the writers just forget who was playing well and start penciling in ACC Teams?
Clemson: 34-9.






A New Hope...

Since moving to McFly's World as my blogging home, I haven't had as much response about a column as I have about the lyric-analyzing bit yesterday---which gives a pretty good indication as to the collective education of my readers...

I had NINE submissions (some will be considered for future use...) but the clear winner was Buttermilk Biscuits by Sir Mix-a-lot. (I'm predicting A LOT of early 90s rap in this feature...)

But here goes...

Buttermilk Biscuits


By Sir Mix-a-lot



Now I'm your big maul dropper, mud duck stopper
Fila on the bottom and Adidas on the topper (Do you think he finished that opening line and said--"FINALLY--I've got my Grammy-winner!")
Transform scratchin', big beat matchin'
I can tell you're getting jealous by the looks I'm catchin'
I hate dumb skeezers, MC beaters
Dropped five grand on my Bird watt meter. (Just a sidebar---I love the new Jeep Liberty commercial where the wolf starts singing Rock me Gently--oh--and how much did you pay for your Bird watt meter?)
Smooth like ice, don't get nice
Just turn up the box for the Mix-A-Lot slice (huh huh)

Y'all ready to get busy? (huh huh!)
Now, buttermilk biscuits here we go
SIFT the flour roll the dough
Clap your hands and stomp your feet
Move your butt to the funky beat (huh huh)

Buttermilk biscuits (x 3)
(Lord have mercy Mix-A-Lot's our here rappin' about biscuits now)
(No no--seriously---this is an actual song. It went on an album by an actual producer.)
(And bear in mind that four years later, this is the same artist who won a Grammy for Baby Got Back and had the nerve to say something like this, "I want to thank all my fans, but I really want to thank guys like Dr. Dre, Ice T and Run DMC who were with me pavin the way in this industry." Just a thought---do you think Dr. Dre would recognize Sir Mix-a-lot if Mix-a-lot was standing in Dre's shower?)

We're from L.A. to the Carolinas
Dip them suckers in Aunt Jemima (Okay--that BARELY rhymes...certainly doesn't make sense.)
Don't make a difference what food you make
Use buttermilk biscuits to clean your plate
You eat 'em in the morn', you eat 'em at night
Kentucky Fried Chicken makes the suckers just right
I am eat 'em with jelly it's my favorite deally
Wrapped and sealed by a freak named Shelley (huh huh)

Buttermilk biscuits (x 3)

(This song was produced in 1988, when rap was just beginning. Can you imagine the face of the white studio owner who happened to walk by the recording studio that morning? I'm talking full-blown-panic.)

One day I kissed my freak, hit the street
Looking for something to eat
In a 18-wheeler, lookin' real swass (I still don't know what Swass is---I do know that Mix-a-lot is pretty proud of being it.)
All the girls smile 'cause I'm the big boss
Said I gotta eat now, can't eat later
Made a lot of noise to attract my waiter
The boy walked up, and what did he say?
"Say, buttermilk biscuits free today!"
So what you waitin' on boy, get up shake a leg
Gimme 10 of them suckers with grits and eggs
A glass of Koolaid and a whole stick of butter (I think there's a chance that "soul food" is unhealthy...just a theory though...)
Them biscuits make me a superfast cutter (huh huh)

Now grab that can and wrap it in your hand
Bang that sucker till THE DOUGH EXPANDS
PUT them suckers up in your oven
Grab your girlie and get a little lovin' (Before this album, Sir Mix-a-lot was an unemployed rapper in Auburn, Washington---can you imagine the "girlies" that he was dating? Eek.)
Add a BIT of honey if you want to get funny
Microwave the suckers if you want your honey runny (Not gonna lie--I like that line.)
GONNA get naughty at the Mix-A-Lot party
And rub them suckers all over your body (huh huh)



The great thing about this song is that it somehow isn't his worst---that would of course be Baby Got Back, which gets my vote as the worst popular song of my lifetime---just edging out Tootsie Roll by the 69 Boys. Obviously---I was only 7 or 8 when this song came out---but was there someone somewhere who put this on at a party and was serious?? If so, I'd like to meet that guy, look him directly in the eye, and say, "Exactly how effed in the head are you?"

More songs for me? HIT IT UP! mcflyblogs@gmail.com