12.10.07

Reaching Desperation...

I realized half-way through church Sunday that despite my best efforts, I am absolutely not in the Christmas spirit...so I figured the best way to cure myself of that was to do a blow-by-blow review of one of the great Christmas movies of all-time...HOME ALONE.

12:08: Five notes before starting:
1. Yes, it is Sunday and I should be watching the NFL, but my fantasy team lost in the first round of the playoffs and I don't care about 3rd place...not to mention the fact that virtually every playoff spot is already determined.
2. I came home to find my roommate gone, but his phone here. He'll be back soon and question a) why I'm watching Home Alone and b) why I'm chronicling it. This will be fun.
3. I'm going to have to hit "Pause" to type and to eat...so the times will indicate that movie is much longer than you thought it was.
4. Yes, I've reviewed Home Alone before...but never on a minute-by-minute basis.
5. I use a Playstation 2 as my DVD player and it requires me to put in a code to watch movies beyond a certain rating...Home Alone is apparently not child-safe. It is a collector's edition---so maybe there is the missing Pesci-Culkin porno scene----we can only hope...

Here we go...


12:15--Kevin really endears himself to the audience in the first scene. Completely over-the-top, completely ridiculous. No kid really acts like this. In one stroke he talks like he's 35 and has the self-control of a 3-year-old. I think this is why child-actors are so troubled. It isn't the money, it isn't that they're thrust into an adult's world, it is that they have to play ridiculous roles like this.

12:17--Underrated, Kevin's cousin Heather. I need to IMDB her. (Long career---no pictures.)

12:18--Two great quotes to throw out to anyone with a brain from Kevin's conversation with his sister. A) "Kevin--you are what the French call 'les incompetante'." B) "You've got to sleep upstairs will Fuller---if he has something to drink, he's going to wet the bed." I mean--how solid would it be to end a meeting, "Well--that's it for today--except for you Richards--you've got to sleep upstairs with Fuller--if he has something to drink, he's going to wet the bed." How phenomenal would the response be?

12:20--I've always thought "Buzz" was a cheap ripoff of Wayne Arnold. To easy to make him the way he is---the complete bully older-brother. Always been the impostor weakest link of the group, like Luc Longley on the Bulls in the late-90s.

12:23--"LOOK WHAT YA DID, YOU LITTLE JERK!"

12:24--Pesci's smile with the shiny gold tooth to Kevin is one of the all-time great ominous meetings. Makes the "Orientation Scene" from Top Gun look like Candyland.

12:25--(I can't keep up this pace) but Kevin's two best lines of the movie come in the scene where his mom pulls him from the kitchen mess and takes him upstairs. Absolutely phenomenal writing: ("Go upstairs Kevin") "I am upstairs, DUMMY!" ("I don't want to see you for the rest of the night.") "I don't want to see you for the rest of my whole life!"
(Okay--the opening scene is over...going to relax a bit...)

12:28--So I lied. What are the odds that the power-outage took place directly in front of the McCallister's house and nobody woke up from the exploding transformer? First completely ridiculous scene of the movie. (Followed immediately by the basic premise of forgetting an 8-year-old child. Not possible.) Someone is sitting at their desk right now, thinking about this movie, wondering if they missed the part where Optimus Prime was in the front yard--yeah--different Transformer, geek-boy.

12:37--Am I the only person who has tried to buy "Angels with Filthy Souls" to see what it is actually about? Really? Yeah...turns out it isn't even a real movie...1, 2, 10. Keep the change, ya filthy animal...

12:40-- "KEVIN!!!!!!"

12:45--When the McCallister's reach Paris and get to the phone, Mrs. McCallister puts a quarter in a pay phone. How does that possibly make sense? And oddly enough, they're still in O'Hare...I hate to be a naysayer...but some of these little nuances need to be pointed out.

12:55--Despite what my friends say, Reduced Fat Nilla Wafers are superior to the original because they are crispier. I want no further arguments here.

12:55--The original Wet Bandits conversation, followed by Harry almost running over Kevin, then smiling at him---the reminder that Harry is evil. Big ups to Kevin here pretending to go into church instead of his house. At this point you start to wonder however why he isn't calling the police. If he's smart enough to hide in a manger scene, and smart enough to call the police at the end of the movie, why doesn't he do so now? I guess it would kind of kill the movie...but oh well.

12:59--The fake party scene has to be one of the best dekes in movie history. COMPLETELY improbable...but the Michael Jordan cutout on the train set is priceless. (If you pay attention closely--you'll notice that Buzz also has a Michael Jordan growth-chart where MJ is in the exact same pose...hmm...)

1:00--Subtle fact. In both Home Alones (the third one doesn't exist, are we clear?) they watch "It's a Wonderful Life" in another language. French here and Spanish in the second. These are the subtleties that you pick up when you see a movie two or three hundred times...

1:02--The "Angels with Filthy Souls"/Pizza Guy scene. Equally improbable to the party scene...but pretty hilarious.

1:07--Peter McCallister has SIX KIDS, lives in that ridiculous house, wears a Burberry peacoat that probably runs $2000 and seems to pay for Uncle Frank's family on every vacation...what kind of racket is Peter running??

1:08--At the end of the movie, we hear about Kevin being responsible, buying milk and fabric softener---which at checkout, he appears to. Yet when his bags break, they aren't in the bags.

1:11--More frightening inanimate movie object from our childhoods? The radiator in the basement of the McCallister's place or the big Rock Guy from Neverending Story?

1:13--The "Angels with Filthy Souls"/Daniel Stern at the door scene. Slightly more probable--and much funnier. How many kids do you think have put firecrackers in a pot indoors since this movie? And how many of them do you think were beaten because of this?

1:15--John Candy was billed as a major character in this movie when the previews were out. And he doesn't show up until there are 20 minutes left in the movie. This always bothered me. What is odd is that his character in this movie is pretty funny...despite being a tiny role. And now that I watch it again, I realize that in regard to total number of lines, he is one of the bigger characters. Now that I have that off of my chest we can continue.

1:20--Harry/Marv lay-out their plans for a 9 pm rendezvous at the house. Real simple here, Kev--just call the police. NOT. THAT. HARD. I love the traps, I really do--but there's no possible way that this would happen.

1:22--When "Somewhere in my Memory" comes on and Kevin sees the family together for Christmas, it really tears you apart. That leading to the church scene with the old man...you forget what an absolute tear jerker this movie is. I mean--it is on par with the great emotional classics of all-time: An Affair to Remember, The Dirty Dozen, Days of Thunder...all of them.

1:30--Kevin makes his break for the house from church as all of the timed lights are coming on. The fact that he did all of the setup between 6 PM ("This is my house, I have to defend it.") and when the Wet Bandits showed up at 9 ("This is it, don't get scared now.") is ridiculous...but we're going to let that slide.

1:33--We're going to grade every trick on a 1-10 scale of probability and deadliness. Because some of this stuff couldn't have happened, and most of it would have killed the Wet Bandits.

1:34--Shooting the Wet Bandits with the BB Gun. Probability: 8. Deadliness: 2. (They probably would have heard him open the doggy door...but if they didn't, it would smart quite a bit.)

1:35--Harry slips on the icy steps. Probability: 9. Deadliness: 5. (Very painful, not deadly.)

1:36--Marv on the ice. Probability: 9. Deadliness: 9. (Almost certainly a broken neck...but a very plausible scenerio.)

1:36--Marv getting hit with the hot iron. Probability: 3. Deadliness: 8. (No chance that it hits him dead on--and no way it burns him that bad in a glancing blow. But it would still knock him out and probably kill him.)

1:37--Harry burning hand on the door-handle. Probability: 10. Deadliness: 3. (But SERIOUS burns. They actually made that one realistic, except the pain would have continued for roughly a week instead of five minutes.)

1:38--Marv steps on the nail. Probability: 1. Deadliness: 8. (NO WAY Marv continues on after that. Not a chance.)

1:39--Harry with the blow-torch to the head. Probability: 4. Deadliness: 10. (Harry can't possibly continue after this...ridiculous amount of pain. I mean--his effing head was on fire.)

1:40--Harry tar and feather. Probability: 3. Deadliness: 1. (Just kind of dumb...it certainly wouldn't have slowed him down the way that it seemed to.)

1:41--Marv steps on ornaments. Probability: 6. Deadliness: 2. (How would Kevin know he'd be barefoot?)

1:41--Micromachines. Probability: 4. Deadliness: 2. (Great foreshadowing in the opening scene here--but they're far more likely to pull a groin than fall flat on their backs.)

1:41--Paint cans. Probability: 4. Deadliness: 7. (It would hurt like a son-of-a-bitch...but not much chance he actually hits both of them in the head.)

1:42--Timeout. I never noticed that Marv yells out, "You bomb me with one more can, I'll snap of your cojones and boil them in motor oil." Wow...that's not okay for kids. (Oh--this is where Kevin calls the police...why did it take this long??

1:43--Gum tripwire. Probability: 1. Deadliness: 1. (Not a chance--it almost demeans the other gags.)

1:44--Tarantula. Probability: 10. Deadliness: Depends on spider. (However, the whacks with the crowbar that followed would absolutely cripple or kill someone.)

1:45--Why would the Wet Bandits follow Kevin across the rope? There's just no chance this would happen--particularly when Harry probably has 3rd degree burns on his hand. Oh--and they would totally hang onto the rope until it swung into the house. Right...

1:47--When the old man hits both of them with the shovel, it would almost certainly kill them or cause serious brain damage. No way they are conscious to snarl at Kevin as the pull away.

1:50--I never liked that Kevin left out milk/cookies and carrots. Can't be good for kids to see that if your parents aren't home, Santa doesn't come. (BTW--I really need a nap, haven't slept in 5-6 hours. But I'm going to fight through these last five minutes...)

1:53--The phenomenal exchange between Kevin and Mrs. McCallister, followed by the glimpse between Kevin and the old man are great. As is the "What did you do while we were gone?" "Oh--you know--just hung around."...but the whole final scene is ruined by Buzz's ridiculous, "It's pretty cool that you didn't burn the place down." And the inexplicable running out of the house when Buzz sees his room.

In Conclusion...

Despite all my negative comments about the movie, it is as enjoyable as it was when it first came out. There's a common trap amongst the networks to only air Christmas movies that have a Christmas-y title---which this clearly doesn't. It's a huge mistake on their part. I mean--honestly--what is going to get more parents to tune in with their kids? This or effing Prancer? There's just no question here...