12.20.07

Back to Basics

As I said--it is very quiet over here. I figure in an average day, I receive forty emails from clients, and speak to ten of them. Yesterday, I sent my normal amount of emails, made beyond my normal amount of calls and received exactly ZERO calls back, and exactly ONE email back...

Which means that once again, I have very little to write about...

So with that in mind, I decided to go back to my old ways...and with that in mind, I give you:

THE TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE YOUR CHRISTMAS MORE INTERESTING

10. Laxatives in Santa's Milk: Kids--want to know if the Big Guy exists? Just see if your parents spend an unusual amount of time on the porcelain throne Christmas morning.

9. Sing Christmas Carols in a Round: (You guys know what a round is, yes? Where everyone starts after different stanzas, and continues singing the song until everyone has completed it? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" is a favorite for this, as four groups can hit the "MERRILY MERRILY" part in succession.) ANYWAY--I want you to do this on all songs--not just the simple ones like "Jingle Bells"...and in all situations. Driving in the car with one friend? Echo their words ten seconds behind them. Church leading a song? Take the initiative to change up the arrangement. Walking through the mall? Get strangers to join you in a little "God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen."

8. Serve Horse at Christmas Dinner: But tell everyone that it is dog.

7. Give your Younger Sister a Gift Certificate to an Abortion Clinic: I was going to say "Note: This is Only for Britney Spears" but this is funny on its own...

6. Bring a Hooker to Your Office Party: See if anyone recognizes her...

5. Make Snowman Cookies: This doesn't seem weird at first---except that you're going to frost 10% of them to look like breasts.

4. Give Charitable Donations instead of Gifts: Just like George did--except you're also going to complain endlessly about how crappy the gifts your family gave you are.

3. Hire Friends to Stomp on the Roof: to convince your younger siblings or children that there is a Santa Claus----then call the police on them and pretend like you had nothing to do with it.

2. Start Wearing a Beret: Doesn't have much to do with Christmas--but is a really good idea.

1. Go to an Elementary School and tell all of the Kids that there is no Santa Claus: And when someone confronts you on it, respond, "It's okay--I'm a sex-offender!"

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