1.1.08

And I'm Back...

Happy New Year everyone.

I know what you're expecting--after a week off of writing, I'm going to come back full of ideas and motivation.

I have neither...but hey--nobody is forcing you to read.

Y2KVIII

It's hard to believe that it has already been eight years since Charlie Steiner told us to follow him to freedom from the peril of the potential computer issues as 1999 turned into 2000. (Not a clean link--let me know if you find a better one...)

But despite the hysteria surrounding Y2K, subsequent technological disasters in the Y2 family have failed to receive the fanfare. And it is this lack of publicity for Y2KVIII that made it the biggest technological folly in our nation's history.

What?

You didn't hear?

Yeah--within 12 hours (on either side) of the turn of the new year, the flash on my camera burned out beyond repair and my (six-month-old) ipod somehow froze up, with no sign recovery.

Many people would blame this on bad luck--but I know better. It's Y2KVIII.

(And yes, I'm aware that "K" is not Roman for 1000.)

A New Year, and New Hope

I think at this point that "I quit making New Year's Resolutions" has officially cemented its position in the "Unoriginal, Not-as-Deep-as-You're-Trying-to-be Statement" All-Star team. (Joining such fan-favorites as "I don't really watch TV.", "I don't like his voice, but John Mayer is an AMAZING guitar player.", "I've been thinking about going back to school.", "I have a hard time paying $1.29 for WATER." and "Isn't it a gorgeous day!?" (when it is 44 degrees and dark at 4:30 in the afternoon.))

But I think that is ridiculous.

If we resign ourselves to accepting our present mediocrity, we're doomed for lives that are dominated by perpetual futility.

I'm going to the opposite direction. I'm going make a bunch of them. That way, if I complete a few, my confidence soars, and I further separate my self-worth from that of all of you pathetic losers.

So I offer you...

McFly's New Year's Revolutions for 2008:

-This year I revolve to not only cut out trans fats, but also transsexuals and transcendentalism.

-This year I revolve to advise the NHL to play their only interesting game on a day where even the NFL and NBA don't dare try to out-do College Football. (HEY! ONE DOWN ALREADY!)

-This year I revolve to approach every actor/director/producer I see in southern California and tell them that I have a great idea for a movie.

-This year I revolve to remind everyone that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit.

-This year I revolve to extend my "not-eating-at-Arby's" streak to 28 years.

-This year I revolve to replace "OH, Canada" as my stand-by foreign sing-under-my-breath-song-that-for-some-unknown-reason-I-know-the-lyrics-to with "The Celtic Fight Song".

-This year I revolve to drink Jagermeister at business lunches.

-This year I revolve to finally figure out what the hell it means to "Superman that ho."

-This year I revolve to wear as much cologne as possible--especially at the gym.

-This year I revolve to throw my own fecal matter at people who pretend they enjoy kung fu.

-This year I revolve to give less money to charity and more money to spread the divine word of Scientology throughout the world.

-This year I revolve to spit on people in the office who use meaningless words like "synergy" and "proactive."

-This year I revolve to explain to fans of Mixed Martial Arts that when they analyze a match by talking about things like "spinning back-fists", they sound just as dumb as the poker guys who talk about how they lost a killer hand on the river. (As I write this, I'm realizing that MMA guys are just Poker Douches circa 2007.)

-This year I revolve to buy a home and fill it exclusively with items purchased on SkyMall.

-This year I revolve to buy an HDTV with phenomenal sound, so I can understand Sato's crank-induced tirade against Miyagi in the typhoon scene from Karate Kid II. (I couldn't find the scene, but attached the remastered trailer for the movie---tell me this isn't the second-best trailer you've ever seen!?!?) (The best would of course be Forrest Gump, where the movie isn't portrayed as a heart-string-tugging melodrama, but rather a comedy about a retard.)

(Also considered for this spot: This year I revolve to walk around like Japanese Zabka from Karate Kid II, calling everyone I see a coward.)

(Also also considered for this spot: This year I revolve to watch more of my favorite movies with my friend John, who--in the space of an hour--used his unmatched Google-skills to find naked pictures of Kumiko (Daniel san's sneaky-hot Japanese girlfriend in KKII) and figure out that the actor who plays "Terry Silver" (the millionaire bully who "trains" Daniel San in KKIII) is actually younger than Ralph Maccio.)

-This year I revolve to dress head-to-toe in baby-blue and gold for the UW/UCLA football game, so I'm on the winning side of a 100-0 blowout when the greatest coach in college football embarrasses the worst. (And in a related story, UW fans will walk away from the game saying that the team is really making strides, saying ridiculous things like, "That 9 yard run in the second quarter was solid--if we could do that every down, we'd be in good shape.")

-This year I revolve to wear a whip everywhere I go for for the month preceding the premiere of the new Indiana Jones movie.

-This year I revolve to find a word other than "tampons" to describe Gonzaga fans.

-This year I revolve to be the only person who has ever touched a football not to score a touchdown against Hawaii in the Sugar Bowl. (Quick note on this--Yes, Hawaii deserved to be in the BCS, but did not deserve to play Georgia. Put them up against Kansas or Illinois, and they have a chance.)

-This year I revolve to win all of my arguments by yelling out, "YEAH! Well it worked for MacGuyver!"

-This year I revolve to not pretend that I know what guys are talking about when a discussion of high-performance cars/electronics comes up.

-This year I revolve to walk around parking lots, finding cars that still have "Kerry/Edwards" stickers on them, and leave notes that say, "Oh--not sure if you heard--they lost to the person I voted for."

-This year I revolve to open an unlicensed medical clinic, and prescribe Pez for ailments ranging from a sore throat to HIV.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Feel free to share your New Year's Resolutions with me. Let's have a Welcome to '08 Mailbag this week--send in your questions.

mcflyblogs@gmail.com