The last thirty minutes of every Bikram Yoga class is spent with your face somewhere between 24 and zero inches from the ground--which means that every student has the unique pleasure of taking deep nasal breaths of the funk that is eminating from the cleaned-frequently, but not-cleaned-frequently-enough carpet.
It isn't B.O. I mean--it SHOULD be B.O., but the B.O. seems to morph with the carpet shampoo and that new carpet smell. But for some reason, in the three months I've been doing it, I've thought that the smell was oddly familiar.
Old Spice Body Wash reminds us that smell is the strongest sense tied to memory---and in this case they're absolutely right, because the smell of that carpet is not a mixtuer of B.O. and other pieces, but rather the briar patch in the Secret of Nimh scratch'n'sniff book that I had as a child.
Glad you read that whole thing?
Good.
Finally, a Response...
So long-time-Arnold, "David" (I don't know why I put his name in quotes--that is his name) realized upon reading my negative piece on Fight Club the other day that one of his friends probably needed to read it.
The "friend" (again--he is a friend...I'm using quotes like a freshman with a word-count-requirement) is apparently a huge fan of Chuck Palahniuk and a film student at a southern California college.
Frankly--when I read his response and decided to begin a dialogue with him--I expected more. I thought it would get personal, and I thought I could just sit back and let you guys read the ridiculousness. Instead however, it turned into a Lifetime after-school special.
Oh well...you get it anyway--any dialogue that starts with a complete stranger cursing in an email about 20 times and ends with me bestowing myself with the distinction of "The Don Imus of University of Puget Sound alumnae" probably deserves to be read by the general public.
So enjoy...the original post is from January 22--just click the link over here>>>>>>>>
(Oh--the red type is my added commentary...and to protect the identity of David's friend, we'll call him "Turdface"...)
Email 1
Dave-
You say this is your friend so if you feel inclined to send this email to him, you are 100% allowed to. IF he feels inclined. Dictionary. Instigator. David's picture.
First off, the single worst thing about the Internet most say is the relentless pornographic material that consumes like 80% of the web. Personally, I think it is the open forum where ignorant rubes get to bleed their ignorance out to the world. Most people would find their publicized ignorance as embarrassing, no but not this small group of people (McFly, which is a really cheesy Back to the Future reference if that's where he got it) who somehow thrive on the "idea" that their opinions will open people's minds. The interesting part is that there is a whole world laughing at them behind their back as they continue to write meaningless, foolish sh*t. With that said... Wow...do you have a mother joke you can work in there??
Why is this guy creating a top 100 movie list??? Its logic parallels me giving a list of the top 100 Italian opera performances. READ A BOOK, TAKE A CLASS, and stop publishing this sh*t about movies where he obviously knows nothing about the industry, other than being amused by flashing lights on a large screen. I read. I read every word of that "How to Succeed with Women" book that Bill loaned me sophomore year.
He is that typical "popcorn audience" movie goer that can't decipher a movie's meaning or message unless it is delivered to him through monologue exposition. (case and point Fight Club) Fincher does a good job of not insulting our intelligence during the film. He gives us a two hour expression of an incredibly deep and complex psychological and social issue. (McFly read Jung if you want understanding into your "plotless" movie) He does a great job of keeping it entertaining while incorporating Jungian psychology, all the while staying true to it's author Chuck Palahniuk. Instead of the really cool intro with the nerves in the brain, it should just have a black screen with the words: If you have no intellectual capacity don't watch this f---ing film! (I threw the "f---ing" in there because that would totally be Fincher's style.) This guy is the kind of driver that looks out his windshield but can't see past his hood. Okay...while I like the analogy you used at the end of that statement, when I read "that would totally be Fincher's style" I extended my pointer-finger and pinkie, licked the tips of both of them and smoothed my eyebrows, preparing to give this joker an absolute email brow-beating...I'm thinking somewhere along the lines of my favorite email-forward of all-time.
I went back and read his article again and the intro really made me laugh. The clever irony that was crafted in his blog did take me back for a second. He states how he hates people who get into "the game" and don't know the difference between a Cover 2 and there a**. He even goes as far as to call them a**h*les. In the very next paragraph he goes on to talk about movies, then expels his own ignorance about the industry. So he states how he hates people who try to act like they know more then they do about football. Then turns around and acts like he knows more than he does about movies. Priceless. OH. NO. YOU. DI-N'T.
If the title his Jan. 22 blog was Definition of Irony, I would say that is the best blog I have ever read. Otherwise "according to his definition" McFly's just an "a**h*le."
Sincerely,
Turdface
I tend not to lose my temper with people like this. Clearly he has the sense of humor of a mortician who hasn't had his Xanax...but he's gone and made it personal. He doesn't know me...he's never read my blog...and yet he has the nerve to accuse me of being the exact person I bashed in that blog.
Okay McFly. Take a deep breath...now tear him limb from limb.
Email 2
Dear Turdface,
David was nice enough to forward your email on to me regarding my blog on Fight Club.
You're right, Turdface, I know virtually nothing about the movie industry. But I don't remember ever commenting on the movie industry. I remember commenting on movies.
And really, do you need to know anything about the industry to watch and comment on movies? I drive to work every day, but know virtually nothing about the state of business in Detroit.
In fact--if you read on (and I admit that initially I left out the title of There Will be Blood) I make light of the fact that I've never seen an Academy Award winner prior to it winning the award. In fact--I am the popcorn movie buff you refer to---which is the exact reason that my readers (none more loyal than Dave) respond so well when I write about movies--because I'm writing to their interests. This begins a string of comments I make about how much you guys love me. I realize that that isn't necessarily true--but he doesn't know that...
The fact is that very few people watch movies for the art--in fact they watch them for the entertainment. That's the reason that Tom Cruise is more famous than Daniel Day Lewis--because he makes movies that more people want to watch than Lewis does. That takes nothing away from Lewis--it simply speaks to the fact that very few people see movies as art. I'm not saying that that is "good" or "right"--I'm simply saying that it is. Well said, McFly. Thank you, McFly.
I realize that film is a personal and somewhat-spiritual experience for you---but your email makes it seem as though the majority is non-existent. You're like a corner hardware store owner. Do you know more about tools and hardware than the average employee at The Home Depot? Almost certainly. But that doesn't mean that most people are going to choose your store over the superstore? Of course not.
My comments on Fight Club were as much a satire on other "popcorn movie buffs" that praise it as a life-changing film as it was on the movie itself. The truth is that someone somewhere (maybe you?) with an informed opinion spoke highly of Fight Club, and 100,000 mindless lemmings followed that person right off of a cliff, despite having no means to grasp the relative significance of it. I'd hope that someone who marks himself as enlightened as you seem to mark yourself would have the sense to realize that everything I write is intended to be tongue-in-cheek and is aptly exaggerated and playful.
Finally--I take exception to you comparing me to the football fan that I paint a picture of in the January 22 blog. I spend roughly 6-8 hours a week watching movies---if these same "fans" spend that much time watching football, then I withdraw my statement--but we both know that that simply isn't true. I probably spend more time in a month on movies than the average Superbowl viewer does on football in a year.
I (and I'm sure David) look forward to your response, as I'm befuddled as to how you could misconstrue my intentions so dramatically.
Cheers.
McFly
(P.S. McFly was a name given to me by several of my college roommates. It is derived from my last name, and from my loaning my pickup to one of them, and him pulling up to the house, yelling, "McFLY! YOU LOANED ME A TRUCK WITH NO BRAKES!" From there, the name stuck, and my acceptance of it is admittedly ironic, as I haven't seen Back to the Future since I was a child and have virtually no memory of it.)
This is really where I went wrong. I decided to go calm and arrogant instead of belligerent and arrogant. Oh well--judging by his first email, I can expect a fun response...
Email 3
Dear McFly,
I want to preface this email that in no way were my intentions of that first email hateful. It was a quick response to a comment made about an area that I have put much interest. Do you hear that? It's the sound of two feet rapidly back-peddling...
You allude to my pretension of film, I actually study film criticism and the only reason I bring this up is because one semester I had to dedicate most of my time on a 40 page paper on the intrinsic as well as extrinsic values of Fight Club. I was not a reader of your blog, the reason I read it that day was because it was emailed to me because of your comments on the movie. Why (and I'm guilty of it as well) do people lean on the length of some of their college essays to give them validity? I wrote an 83-page paper on Jefferson for my Senior Thesis...but I wrote two-page papers that were better than it. Sorry...just a thought...
You say that your remarks were as much satire on other movie buffs that praised the film even though they didn’t understand it as it was on the movie itself. Well, you criticized it without understanding it. So my question is, is there a difference between you and the people that you denigrate for their praise of the film? If neither of you understand it, why do you get the right to criticize them or the movie? Ignorant praise and ignorant criticism carry equal weight. Okay, decent point---however it would have been better for my blog if you worked in a few F-bombs.
You claim that you are a popcorn movie buff, yet the three movies you write on were Fight Club, Citizen Kane, and There Will Be Blood, three films that I doubt you would find on a “popcorn audience’s” top 100 list. Even more interesting than that you say you know nothing about the movie industry then go into industry wisdom about movies as art vs. entertainment. To take a line from Quiz Show (last year's #3 movie) "You can insult me all you like--but you can't envy me at the same time."
Okay--so that isn't a perfect quote for the situation--but it is a great quote. SO BACK OFF!
Here is my take…
Film makers and studios are aware of the separation between film as art, and films as entertainment. So production creates both types. That is why if you go to the theater you can find Transformers and There Will Be Blood playing on adjacent screens. When writing criticism on films you have to determine which category it fits into and judge accordingly. I wouldn’t view or criticize National Treasure 2 and No Country for Old Men in the same mindset. (Which I liked both but for very different reasons)
What made me so mad was your inability to see Fight Club as an “art” film that requires deeper intellectual capacity to understand than it takes to understand an entertainment film. I’m not telling you what films you have to like because that is all preference. But for someone who writes on movies you should be able to respect or understand brilliant filmmaking regardless of liking the picture and regardless of which audience you are writing for. He's making good points and it is pissing me off.
As for comparing movie watching time to football watching time, football is on Sunday and Monday Nights, while movies you can watch anytime. So comparing hours spent watching is irrelevant. I don't know...add in Sportscenter and we're pretty much even...but okay, we'll wipe it from the record...
With that said…
I think that these kinds of conversations are so difficult over email. I want you to know that I am not attacking you, nor am I a punk-a** film student who likes to argue over something that I just picked up in the classroom, but simply a person who likes to talk about film. So this has been a fun interlude to my week.
I also wanted to point out that I screamed yes! After reading the Daniel Day Lewis vs. Tom Cruise part.
-Turdface
P.S. I think Dave is responsible for this!
Son-of-b*tch, sh*t!!! How could he take the high-road after what I wrote to and about him? I'm really losing my touch. And maybe this is why I'm always losing arguments---I try to subtly offend people and then feel bad when they take the high-road---which leads me to become apologetic.
Okay...time to act like myself instead of an attorney...
Email 4
Dear Turdface,
Thank you for your response. In a way, it proved both of our points.
At one level, I give validity to your argument, and see the stance from which you take it. DUDE! Why don't you massage his feet while you're at it!
At another, the tone of your email was dramatically different from that of your original response---much in the way that my email to you read dramatically different from my blog. And why? Because we were writing to different audiences for different purposes.
I can certainly appreciate your confusion as to how I would bash a movie (particularly one you enjoy) with such recklessness---but the simple fact is that that is the reason I write. Or--I should say--that is the reason that people read.
I bash everything.
I've written 4,000 word essays about topics ranging from Gonzaga basketball fans to people who drink Dr. Pepper to people who tolerate John Mayer to everyday Joes who say that they loved Fight Club...and basically indicate that their sins are worthy of death by noodle-lashing. And I write about these things because frankly--they're funny to write about! To this point, nobody seems to think the Dr. Pepper thing is as funny as I do. Clearly you guys don't understand how ridiculous you look with that can in your hand.
Does that make me a sellout? Maybe. But people don't look for me to be a sound-minded authority on art and culture---they look for me to be the Don Imus of University of Puget Sound alumnae. INSTANT POLL: Is this more or less ridiculous a self-proclamation than Kellen Winslow Jr. calling himself a "Warrior"??
Similarly--David forwarded you what I wrote because he was looking for a quick and violent reaction---and that is precisely what he got.
But I digest... 10:1 he didn't realize that was a joke...
What I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't waste my time arguing with you about the intrinsic and extrinsic values of Fight Club---it would be fruitless for me to even attempt to keep up with your level of understanding on the topic. However--I don't apologize for cannibalizing the schmucks who tell me that they "LOVED" Fight Club, and when I ask why, they respond, "Dude--it was so badass..." THEY DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED!
So...am I qualified to compile my top 100 movies and publish them? That depends.
If I was writing it in a literary publication for film enthusiasts? Maybe not.
But for a blog-audience that also looks at me for my Top Ten Ways to Make Your Wedding Not Suck despite my being a) unmarried and b) heterosexual? I think so.
The list (last year) included movies ranging from Quiz Show and Goodfellas to The Aristocrats and Amazon Women on the Moon to Road House and all three Karate Kids. (There was no fourth installment. Don't fight me on that.)
So I'd encourage you to check it out on Monday (assuming I get it done) as I'd look forward to hearing your commentary. I think--if you read into my writing a little more--that it is not meant to be offensive--but rather to inspire eye-rolls from whomever I can get them from.
Cheers.
McFly
P.S. This email may make no sense.
Message from God: Okay McFly--you need to stop publicizing this Top 100 list. At the point that you've pumped it up, if it is anything short of the Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom it is going to seem like a failure.
And beyond that, I know I tell you to turn the other cheek, but do you misplace your balls in your thong-drawer?
Email 5
Dear McFly,
People who say that they LOVE a film but their only response on why is "dude it was badass" do deserve to be punished!
I have appreciated the dialogue between us
-Turdface
P.S. (to keep the trend) I feel used, for Dave's entertainment! It saddens me to think that I might be that predictable.
At this point, we embraced, kissed and I changed the "Orientation" tab on my myspace page.
If
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