1.3.07

Bad Idea

Amidst my second game of "Beirut" on Monday night/Tuesday morning using sparkling wine instead of beer, I realized that I'd made a terrible decision in doing so.

The stomach cramps I've had since indicate that I was right.

I was reminded of the greatest Saturday Night Live commercial parody of all-time: BAD IDEA JEANS.

(I don't have a follow-up for this...I just think it is really funny.)

My Album

I don't know about you, but if I ever have a band, and we do an album of all covers, the first single we release will be "I Can't Drive Fifty-Five."

I've Missed you Guys

Yesterday, I did my normal Wednesday workout routine, which is weights/cardio in the morning and hot yoga in the evening.

But yesterday was no average workout day.

Yesterday was the beginning National It's-a-New-Year-and-for-this-week-I'm-Going-to-Pretend-I-Care-About-My-Health Week.

Every year I tell myself that I'm going to take the week off of exercising in public, so as to avoid amateur hour, but if I did, I'd miss some of my favorite Gym Friends, who only come out once a year.

In case you're not familiar with them...allow me to introduce a few:

I Have No Idea How Much I Can Lift, but DAMNIT I'm Going to do Some Curls Guy: As a general rule, this guy is at least 50 years old, but can also be in the 25-40 range if he looks like the type of guy who plays Magic: The Gathering. The only exercise he is intent on doing is bicep-curls, but he paces the rack, trying to figure out a workout-weight. He starts with 35 lb. dumbbells, does one rep that introduces you to the sound of someones shoulder shredding, then puts the weight down. Realizing his eyes were bigger than his biceps's stomach, he goes to the opposite end, picks up the 5's and starts doing a speed-set. He swings his arms back and forth, doing roughly 3,000 repetitions. Upon completing that, he does one of those stretches that doesn't really stretch anything so much as it makes you look like a complete schmuck...and then gets brave... He goes back down the rack, picks up some 25's, performs two wobbly reps, and then fakes an injury. He pauses for a second, sizes himself up in the mirror, congratulates himself on a job well done and leaves the gym.

Average length of New Year workout routine: Two days.

I Worked Out this Morning so I can Splurge Chick: This person generally works out with a partner who has equally little ambition. They do 25 minutes on the elliptical machine at approximately negative four miles per hour (YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS POSSIBLE!), tap their brows with their towel and head for the ab-area. Ten crunches later, they laugh to each-other, as they really just beach themselves on a mat, and eventually stand-up and leave.
After all of this madness, they meet for lunch and have a burger and fries----which is fine in their minds, because they worked out this morning.

Average length of New Year workout routine: 3x a month, for four months.

I Have No Interest in Performing Exercises, but am Here Guy: I was next to this guy at yoga today...he pretty much just laid on the mat the entire time. The highlight was when he did the end-of-class breathing WHILE LAYING ON THE MAT. (Which, for those of you who haven't tried it, probably isn't possible without breaking ribs.)

Average length of New Year workout routine: Ranges...could be a day, could be all year. It's amazing how long you can go when you exert absolutely no effort.

My Husband is Lifting Weights and Forcing Me to do it With Him Chick: What kills me about this woman, is that 9/10 times, she's in far better shape than her husband---but is clearly a pushover. They don't argue, but exchange looks that kind of say, "If we didn't have kids, I'd conveniently forget to come home forever."
This couple is really one of my favorites, because they think that it is normal for a husband to show his wife how to do power-cleans with terrible form.
The best thing about them however, is how they interact on the outside. If you see them in the gym, gravitate to them, because within 5 minutes, the husband will walk over to you, buddy-up, and then start berating his wife for bad form or lifting less weight than him.

It's completely unbelievable until you see it, but trust me---it happens in every gym in America, throughout January.

Average length of New Year workout routine: One month or divorce---whichever comes first.

This Looks Fun, Let Me Try Guy: He doesn't have a trainer--he has a "workout towel" with paisleys on it, and he just walks around trying every exercise that he sees other people doing in the gym. This guy hits his peek of comedy when you see him on a machine, facing the wrong direction. Priceless.

Average length of New Year workout routine: Six weeks...unless he hires a trainer, under which case, he can last all year. These guys want to succeed in an exercise-plan, they're just complete f-ing idiots.

I Used to Be in Shape Guy: The rest of these characters are pleasantly amusing--but this guy drives me nuts. He acts like he owns the free-weights room, grunts his way through every exercise, and will DEFINITELY use chalk if it is allowed.
Don't worry though---you don't have to put up with him very long. He either hurts himself every time he lifts, or tires himself out to the point that he doesn't have the energy to do the cardio that he so desperately needs.

Oh---and he'll definitely finish his "workout" with one of those $6 protein shakes that comes in the juice-box-for-grown-ups. Yeah---good dude---because what you need right now is a 900 calorie snack.

Average length of New Year workout routine: Two weeks. Not a day more, not a day less.

No Pain, No Gain Guy: Like step-brothers, No Pain, No Gain Guy and I Used to Be in Shape Guy are almost exactly alike, but won't give each other the time of day. You won't see them spot for each other, and they're generally exchanging looks that make everyone in the gym worried that a dumbbell is about to fly across the room.
Again though---they're virtually the same. The only difference is that No Pain, No Gain Guy seems to genuinely be TRYING to hurt himself, where I Used to Be in Shape Guy is just living under the delusion that he is still his former-self. (You may actually recognize No Pain, No Gain Guy, because he was the back-up nose-tackle on your high school's football team----and probably had one of those stupid lettermans' jackets with the cartoon guy on the lower-back.)

Average length of New Year workout routine: Two weeks---just like his step-brother.

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