So I thought I'd do what I always do and just kind of complain.
Over-rated: The Oscars
Under-rated: The Golden Globes
You're telling me that you're choosing the one with the Cecil B. Demille award over the one where everyone is plastered?
Are they going to give writer's awards by the way?? Can you imagine the disheveled mess that they'll be? I can't wait to see champagne glasses filled with Jager...
Over-rated: Weight Watchers
Under-rated: Lean Cuisine
What percentage of the population thinks that they're the same thing, despite one being a cheap, unhealthy knock-off of the real-thing?
If you just started saying you were on the "Lean Cuisine" diet, I bet people wouldn't flinch...
Over-rated: New American Gladiators
Under-rated: Old American Gladiators
I'm not even going to get into the fact that they're trying to do the new version of the show without steroids---that bothers me so much I can't even write about it...
But let's go with the color-men. Hulk Hogan or Larry Csonka?
Never mind...both pathetic.
Actually---I got a mailbag question on this:
Dear McFly,
I was watching the newest "American Gladiators" last night, and I was wondering, what would your Gladiator name be?
Sassy
Studio City, Ca
"I think the contestant might have finished were it not for Impotence."
"Impotence is really playing games with his mind right now."
"A lucky draw here, because we all know that Impotence's one weakness is the Joust."
"AND HE OVERCOMES IMPOTENCE TO SCORE!"
Oh--and if you enjoy cool names, Bill sent me the Mormon Name Directory. (I am "Iron Rod".)
Over-rated: Bill Belichick as an enigmatic character
Under-rated: Bill Belichick as a Shakespearean character
Don't know where I'm going with this joke? Just think about him dumping the sweatshirt for tights and castration...
Over-rated: Furniture Stores Going-out-of-Business Sales
Under-rated: Realizing that they're not actually going out of business
Okay--here's the scenario: You drive by a homeless guy in a sandwich-board that reads, "OAK OUTLET GOING OUT OF BUSINESS" and somewhere in your demented mind, you say, "WOW--there must be some good deals there--and I LOVE oak!"
Never does it cross your mind that you've never heard of "Oak Outlet". Never does it cross your mind that the warehouse where "Oak Outlet" is located was a meat-packing operation two weeks ago. Never does it cross your mind that nobody really likes oak. And finally, never does it cross your mind that a store that employs homeless guys to wear sandwich boards MAY not be tops in customer service...
Here is the scam for those of you who haven't connected the mental dots just yet---They rent cheap warehouses near malls...fill them with inventory and then put them out of business before their month rent is up. Then they take the furniture to another mall-area and do the same think. And thus the circle of life, Simba.
Over: Exposed
Under: Coached
LSU. You can't objectively look at the two situations and say that you'd rather be LSU for tonight's National Championship Game. They're getting all of the publicity, they have the inferior coach, and they're the team that has everything to lose, being at home and the prohibitive favorite.
However--they do have more talent---and nowhere is that more clear than the match-up of their front-seven against Ohio State's rushing attack. When one team's linebackers are bigger and faster than the other team's running backs, it doesn't matter how well you scheme.
LSU in a squeaker--23-21.
Over-rated: Ian's Wedding-free-summer
Under-rated: Ian's Wedding-filled-summer
I've been making mention of how relieved I was that I didn't really have any weddings to go to this summer and how awesome it was going to be...
But then I realized three things:
1. I have like 5 weddings that I didn't even think about
2. I'm a phenomenal dancer* and hate clubs
3. Much as I try to fight the estrogen running through my veins, I love everything about weddings**
*=Dude--you have no idea.
**=Except for the following:
-Churches without A/C
-Catholic ceremonies
-Flower girls that are too young to perform the duties or too old to be flower girls
-Officiants who take over the ceremony
-"A ring is circular--it has no beginning and no end..."
-Cocktail hours without cocktails
-When you're the person the bride/groom can't find a place for in the seating-chart
-Soaking an undershirt, feeling it dry to your flesh, and then soaking it again while dancing
-Bartenders that don't serve champagne by the bottle
-YMCA, The Chicken Dance, The Electric Slide, "Right foot this time...", and any other song that doesn't allow me to express myself on the dance floor***
-Being invited with a guest while single (AKA: Salt in wound.)
-Single bridesmaids who don't get obnoxiously trashed
-Single groomsmen who do
-Chocolate cake
-Picture montages that start with Joe Cocker You Are So Beautiful and segue into Green Day's Time of Your Life
-Slow songs that stop that one uncle from doing his ridiculous dance
-Straight men who write thousands of words about weddings
Stay tuned for June when I release the annual "How to Make Your Wedding Not Suck" by The Most Single Person on Earth
***=Seriously dude--you don't even know.
Over-rated: Early to bed, early to rise
Under-rated: Being the night-owl roommate
I'm going to preface this two-fold:
1) I'm pretty sure Seinfeld did a bit somewhat similar to what I'm about to write on, which I recognize, so I don't want any plagiarism accusations the way that I got them when I---God forbid---wrote something mildly similar to a bit that Jim Gaffigan did. (I mean--obviously he's the only person to ever notice that everything on a Mexican menu is the same. He's a genius--I mean--that Hot Pocket bit--totally un-contrived and deep...)
2) I don't blame my roommate. Last night was the first night in six months that he's kept me up--and for those that know me, know that that is incredible.
But I digest...
I'm tired of being the roommate who is kept awake from the noise, rather than being the one who makes it. But hard as I try, that will never happen--because I'm the early-riser.
And I know that a few of you who know my sleep-patterns--namely the fact that a feather touching-down can jar me from a REM-cycle--are skeptical right now. But I've never been bothered by people making normal sounds.
Need to make dinner? Do so, just don't slam the microwave. (Which my roommate and his girlfriend did roughly 14 times at 11:30 last night. Why? I may never know.)
Need to do laundry? Do so, just don't put shoes in the dryer that is right next to my room.
Want to watch television? Do so, just don't choose 11 PM on a Sunday to test out the surround-sound. (Oh--I've decided that 55% of normal-listening-level is the appropriate television volume if you have a sleeping roommate.) (In other words, loud enough to hear if there is no other noise, but not a single notch higher. There is NOTHING more irritating than the on-and-off sound of television when you're trying to sleep. NOTHING.)
So what is the point?
A few of the night-owls are probably saying, "If he's loud, just be loud when you get up!" But it doesn't work that way. And the reason for that is that people who get up early get up early to DO SOMETHING. People who stay up late are just being a**h***s!!
What? Am I going to get up at 4:15, and instead of going to the gym, sit on the couch and watch Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves at 20,000 decibels? Of course not.
So I propose that we extend the University of Puget Sound dorms' "Quiet Hours" to the rest of the world. 10 PM to 7 AM, if you want to make noise, fine---but if it is anything other than run-of-the-mill, I'm-awake-and-need-something-from-the-pantry kind of noise, you're going to be written-up and sent to Dean Bartanen's office.
Over-rated: Jessica Alba
Under-rated: Brittany Buckner
Jessica Alba is scorching hot--but clearly can't act. Brittany Buckner however is the best-kept secret in Hollywood---and she may get mention in this blog until she's starring alongside Leo in Titanic II: Titanic Airlines
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