2.11.08

Late Addition...

Since writing this, I've heard that the writer's strike has finally ended...which is great, because I'm ready for new episodes of Reba.

(Interruption---I switched to the Grammy Awards reluctantly between The Simpsons and The Family Guy. Jason Bateman and Cindy Lauper came to fame at roughly the same time. Could there be two people who have gone in two more different directions in terms of aging? Bateman looks like he is 17. Cindy Lauper looks like a foot.)

I can't tell you how happy I am to hear about the end of the strike. We're sitting six weeks from the point where we run out of new LOST episodes, which means that if ABC puts the money behind it, we could probably have5 or 6 episodes filmed and ready within a month or so of these episodes ending.

(Interruption--I've had SIX Flintstone pushup pops today. That's roughly 96 grams of sugar. The texture of my tongue and gums right now feels like shark-skin. And I'm about to go get another one...)

Not only that--with writers back on the Tonight Show, we're that much closer to ridding our lives of Jay Leno.

Do you know who I feel bad for in all of this though? All of the "stars" of the half-assed reality shows that were created in reaction to the lack of real television. In a month, they'll be less popular than a Starbucks in Provo...

(Interruption--this is my introduction to "Akon" or is it "Akan" or "A Con"...I think it is the last one. He's singing a rap song dedicated to his mom. I actually found the album cover online--it has a dedication to his mother that reads, "I really miss you mom---I hope you like crap!") (Thank you Norm.) (I found out Monday morning, while watching the news, that the rapper in mention who referred to himself as "Kan" (or "Con") was actually Kanye West. I should have known that---he was on Entourage, wasn't he?)

(Interruption--Wow--I thought Cindy Lauper's face was the most-repulsive thing I'd come across this month---then I heard Fergie trying to sing. I've heard better sounds from the tapes of Saddam's torture chambers.)

(Interruption--Fergie just gave an award to Ringo Starr. Have you ever been around a little girl when they meet their creepy grandfather that lives out of state? It was exactly like that, except that in this case, the girl is on meth.)

(Interruption--Okay--I'm not really interrupting so much as I'm spitting out random facts. Roy Scheider died. Many of you remember him from his work on Jaws and Tiger Town, but his most-significant contribution was of course as Captain Bridger on Seaquest: DSV. I know that some of you dismiss this show as "Star Trek under water", but I challenge you to leave it off of your list of the "Best TV Shows about Futuristic Submarines with Talking Dolphins".)

But yeah--happy to hear that the strike is over...though I hear Monday morning that in true Liberal-inefficiency, they'll be collecting votes from the union members over the next three weeks.

Awesome.

Clinton in '08.

Overdue...

I've been trying to write intelligently lately...which has led to me having absolutely nothing to write about.

So I thought I'd get back to my roots. So I thought "Why not just answer a reader email and bitch about people you hate??"

Okay...sounds good.

First, the E-mail:

Dear McFly,

This may be a little out of left field, but its something I've been thinking about for over two weeks now. It was cold in Washington (DC) recently. When I stepped off the Metro, while carrying a big folder of papers that I needed for work, I realized it was cold enough to necessitate a hat - a gray cashmere number, in this case. I had never considered the problem before, but putting on a stocking cap with one hand is really hard - impossible, I would come to find out, when the material is what could best be described as "slippery." So after looking completely retarded for all of half a city block, I gave up, put the garbage I was carrying down, and donned my cap with two hands. But since then, I've been trying to logically figure out how one would but on a winter hat with one hand. It's sort of along the lines of why baseball is so hard - try hitting a round ball with a round object....well, try putting a round hat, on a round head - with one hand. So, if you have any thoughts on how to attack this little conundrum, I, for one, would be grateful.

Sincerely,

Andy
Washington, The District of Columbia

I read this email 3 or 4 times and decided that I wasn't going to be able to pick one response...so I'll let you guys pick your favorite.

1. Use one of those hunting hats with the ear-flaps instead of a stocking cap. (They're also quite useful if you plan on never having sex again.)
2. Quit complaining---try doing the same thing with a 7 3/4" hat-size!
2b. Just start from the back, hook the hat on your freakishly large crown and pull forward. What? You don't have a freakishly large crown? Oh...
3. Quit being so environmentally-conscious and get in your f***ing car, Mr. Nader.
4. Maybe put the hat on BEFORE you leave the house. Where did you learn problem-solving, Kent?
5. Haha---it was 78 at my house this weekend, F****R!



People I Need Less of:

-People who greet you with "There he is!" when they clearly weren't looking for you.

-Any guy who has ever referred to a girl/woman as "Shorty".

-People that cough and give no warning when shaking your hand.

-Athiests who say things like "My God!" and "God help us!".

-Waiters who are angry at you when they screw up your order.

-Men who wear scarves.

-Cover bands that aren't so much cover bands as they are bad impressionists. (I have to articulate this one---there are certain singers/bands that really can't be covered without impersonating them. Here are a few quick examples: Johnny Cash, Pearl Jam, Roy Orbison, Madonna, The Beatles...there are a lot more...)

-People with tattoos.

-People that have conversations about their tattoos and other people's tattoos.

-Idiot Casting Directors who haven't allowed Keri Russell to become the Meg Ryan of our generation.

-Anyone who made plans to watch the Grammys Sunday night.

-Democrats who believe that their party's fiscal policy makes sense.

-Republicans who believe that their party's social policy makes sense.

-The Programming Directors for TNT and FOX Family. They're channels 18 and 19 in Orange County. I'm presently flipping (or is it clicking?) back and forth between We Were Soldiers and You've Got Mail. That's pretty much the movie equivalent of trying to balance two relationships at the same time...one with a beautiful woman, and one with a male hair-dresser...

-George Lopez.

-People who think that they're foresighted business genuises for suggesting that their company should be "more proactive" in their approach. Thanks, Copernicus.

-White Buddhists.

-Bryan "Smash" Williams

-Basketball announcers who say things like, "They're going to need to make shots to win."

-Anyone who didn't enjoy the fact that Phil Mickelson took an 11 on Saturday and missed the cut at Pebble Beach.

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Pull through Bryan.



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