2.14.07

Really quickly...

I thought the Roger Clemens hearing in Congress yesterday was one of the most compellingly idiotic things I've ever seen. It took four hours before one of the junior Congressmen finally spoke up and said, "Didn't the Mitchell Report specifically request that we not rehash existing claims and just move forward?" I mean---Clemens looked like an idiot (as did McNamee) but we're talking about a party that took place eight or nine years ago---isn't the Statue of Liberties of up on that?

Again though---I'm over it. If I were a Hall of Fame voter, I'd put in Clemens, Bonds, McGwire and Sosa. The only person I'd leave out with be Rafael Palmero because he ACTUALLY TESTED POSITIVE! If you're dumb enough to keep juicing AFTER the new rules were put in place, you don't deserve to make the Hall.

There was one highlight to yesterday's hearings though...

When the Indiana Congressman was grilling McNamee on all of his lies, didn't you half expect him to just blurt out, "PRIVATE DOWNEY! Did you ever actually hear the Lietenant order the Code Red?!?"




This One Goes out to The One I Love...

I haven't done a top ten list in a while...but what better topic to do it on than the year's biggest American Greetings Holiday.

(Ten pop culture points if you got that one.)

So here goes...

The Top Ten Ways to Guarantee a Happy Ending to Your Valentine's Day

(I think I wrote this last year. And the year before that. Screw it...you guys don't remember that far back...)

10. Comment on how hot her sister's body is: Not only that--point out the different places where your date could improve on her's---women love the support.

9. Call her by her last name exclusively: Maybe this is just a pet peeve of mine, but I think that there is a place in hell reserved for guys who call chicks by their last name. (Probably in the spot right next to people who root for Phil Mickelson.)

8. (If it is early in the relationship) Ask her every five minutes how the date is going: Women love a man who constantly looks for her for assurance.

7. Deliver a box of Russell Stover's Chocolates where every piece of candy is replaced with a human toe: The ingrowns have a cream-filling!

6. Email girls from myspace, tell them you met them through (a guy you find on their page) a friend of theirs while they were drunk and that they promised you a date: And then text them at least 15 times on Valentine's Day with comments like, "When are you picking me up tonight? Haha--LOL."

5. Ask her about her Asian heritage: (Note: Only if she is Hispanic.)

4. Mention your Valentine's Day tradition of calling all of your ex-girlfriends and talking about how in love you were with them: And maybe even mention to your current date which ones you could see yourself getting back together with.

3. Make her a mix CD: Make sure you include a lot of Cannibal Corpse.

2. Order White Zinfandel at dinner: (No explanation needed.)

1. Attempt a "You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling"-esque display at dinner: Except do it with a really obscure song, like "Orinocco Flow" by Enya...and then get really angry at the other people in the Vietnamese Restaurant screw up the backup vocals.

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