2.26.08

NOW I remember...

You know these people that I'm always referring to that say things just because they think they're supposed to? You know---things like "I loved Dazed and Confused" or "Dude--that DAVE show was sooooo good. Did you see the way that they just jammed on 'Crush'--that was amazing." You know--that particular flavor of douche bag.

Anyway---I finally recalled where I knew them from. I knew that they were buried somewhere deep in my memory and I finally placed it...

They were the bed-pans that in junior high used to start conversations, "Man--I hate cops!"

Really?

You "hate" cops?

"Yeah man---we didn't do nothin and they keep ridin' me."

Okay--I'm sure you're right.

I'm sure a pack of 13 year-olds smoking cigarettes and loitering isn't a sign that a criminal act is about to take place---you're totally right.

To their credit though---I hated cops at that age too.

Although that probably had more to do with the fact that when I was 11, I was raped by McGruff the Crime Dog.

OKAY! I got it!

You guys can stop sending me Jimmy Kimmel's response to the "I'm _______ Matt Damon" video. I got it.


I Want my TV Back...

The networks have duped us.

They announced all of this garbage about the strike getting resolved and subliminally, we all said to ourselves, "Hey---I can start watching television again."

BUT NO.

We have still have six weeks of refried, par-boiled garbage to deal with.

So--I'm not exactly sure which shows are coming back on for a shortened spring season...but I'm going to predict they all are, so I can pick a bunch of them to write ridiculous predictions about.

So we'll go network-by-network. Here goes...

ABC

According to Jim: ABC puts millions behind a marketing campaign to advertise the pilot of this show...for the third time, not telling anyone that it has actually been on for several seasons despite nobody watching. Did you ever think you'd utter the phrase, "Man--I wish Step by Step was still on the air."

Cavemen: After a six month hiatus, the worst idea in television history returns with a bang. In the premeire--get this--the cavemen find themselves in a modern situation with the mentality of a caveman. I can't wait (and it won't be as funny as it was when it happened 20 years ago.)

Eli Stone: A show about a lawyer who spontaneously visualizes George Michael in odd situations and can see the future has a premeire episode where he flashes forward 60 minutes to see that his show is cancelled.

Oprah's Big Give: In a shocking turn of events, Oprah puts on a charitable event that inevitably turns into profit for her. (Much like that school in Africa that she built for $15 Million...and then promptly sold 700 million copies of her new book, "Why I built a school in Africa".)

Wife Swap: Wife Swap apparently will finally come through in the short spring season and finally find two husbands that swap wives for the right reasons.

NBC

American Gladiators: After news of a scandal revealing that Leila Ali has actually grown a penis, the show turns from an overdone-remake of a phenomenal game show into what it should be: a steroid-induced orgy.

ER: The show returns and then dramatically ends when people finally figure out that ER was meant to mean "endoplasmic reticulum" the entire time and the plots up until now have made absolutely no sense.

Las Vegas: In a new commitment to viewer-honesty, NBC starts showing a split screen to Mark-Paul Gosseler whispering the gangs' elaborate plans into their ear----because we all know that there is only one NBC actor in history capable of capers like this...

Saturday Night Live: Breaks a record for ratings when they release an episode that consists of nothing but cast-members sitting around a room doing their impersonation of Bryant Gumbel asking Pacman Jones, "Did...ya make it rain?"

CBS

The Big Bang Theory: The makers of "Laugh-track" finally go out of business when this show changes back to its original title, "The Gang Bang Theory."

CSI Miami: They announced last week that they'd be the first show back, as their writers are working extra hard to get out scripts. The first one---which I got an insider look at---isn't quite what you're probably used to. It is simply the gang solving a crime in five minutes, and then all of them getting drunk and talking about chicks they wanted to sleep with in college.

The New Adventures of Old Christine: It continues CBS's commitment to quality by remaining a sad, pathetic show.

The Unit: (Too easy.)


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