2.6.08

Super (Confusing) Tuesday...

I was hoping that we could really start getting into the negative-campaigning-mode, with at least one of the parties determining who their November candidate would be---but it didn't really happen.

But that wasn't even the most-dissapointing part!

Of the five major candidates remaining, NONE of them sang to open their speeches.

You know what I'm talking about?

Black ministers do it a lot---occasionally black politicians---where they start a speech softly singing, "We Shall o-ver-come..." or something like that? I think Ross Perot even did it a few times...

So--since I live in a fantasy-world, I'm going to pretend it DID happen---and here are the songs they chose:

Republicans

Huckabee

"Now Days everybody wanna' talk like they got somethin' to say,
But nothin' comes out when they move they' lips,
Just a bunch of jibberish,
And mother-f*****s act like they forgot about Huckabee."

Where in the name of a Southern God did he come from? And did you see who was standing behind him on the stage for his speech? Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Al Gore, Michael Dukakis, Jimmy Carter, the Ghost of JFK, and Stalin, all screaming their heads off, because his run through the south may have screwed up the Republican campaign to the point that the Democrats will have a two-month head-start on insinuating that whomever the Red candidate is, he is backed by George Bush, Enron and Satan himself.

Romney

"Nobody likes me.
Everybody hates me.
Guess I'll go eat worms."

Yeah--I haven't seen someone that impotent since Curtis joined our pledge class. I haven't seen someone come out flatter since the last Olsen Twins movie. I haven't seen something that dissapointing since Coyote Ugly.

(That enough analogies? Good.)

McCain

(Is there a song that says, "THANK YOU MIKE HUCKABEE" in the lyrics?? There should be.)


Democrats

Obama

"I'm a hard-workin man.
I wear a steel hard hat.
I can ride, rope, hammer and paint.
Do things with my hands that most men can't.
I can't get ahead,
No matter how hard I try.
I'm getting---
REALLY GOOD at barely gettin' byyyyyyyyyyyyyy..."

Three reasons here:
1. The sight of Black Kennedy singing Brooks and Dunn would be priceless.
2. If he didn't mention the fact that he was running a grass-roots campaign 100 times in his speech last night, he didn't mention it at all.
3. He managed to win the ever-popular "Who can name the most blue-collar jobs in 30 seconds?" contest between democratic candidates. (This may have something to do with the fact that unlike Monica Lewinsky's ex-boyfriend's wife, he has actually met someone in the working-class before.)

Clinton

"Come to my window...
Come inside, wait by the light of the moon.
Come to my window,
I'll be home soon."

(That was a lesbian joke.)


Diesel Too Expensive in Phoenix

How does the Shaq trade to Phoenix made sense?

I understand that they've been trying to get rid of Shawn Marion and that the Heat have been looking for a viable sidekick for Dwayne Wade, but adding the slowest player in the NBA to the fastest team in the NBA--a team that already has a big-man mind you--just doesn't make sense to me.

Three years ago, maybe---but the Suns choose to break up a chemistry that obviously works in an attempt to "be prepared" for the half-court game that exists in the playoffs.

Here's a clue to Steve Kerr (Suns GM--who should know better, he has what? FIVE NBA Championships?): The playoffs don't dictate the pace of play, the better team does.

Why can't the Suns get past the Spurs in the playoffs? Because the Spurs are just plain better.

Does this trade help the Suns compete with the Spurs? NO. They lose their best defender, and add a player that (while arguably one of the five-best ever) slows them down and can't possibly give them more than 25-28 minutes a game.

But then again...

If I'm wrong in all of this, you must remember: I said at the beginning of the season that Shaq would be back in the NBA Finals...


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