3.3.08

A Long Time Coming...

I've decided that this will be my final blog...or at least in the current fashion.

I'll still write something here and there, but it seems like a good time hang it up. I'll still write something occasionally, so if you want a head's up when I do decide to tell the world that I hate something, you can subscribe via myspace (www.myspace.com/imcfly) or just email me today and I'll add you to a distribution list (mcflyblogs@gmail.com).

But I figured I'd go out with some things that are overdue...

(And I'm a little bit wordy in this final installment, so I'll give you a quick table of contents in case you want to go piece by piece: I. A couple of links, II. McFly's Wedding Handbook, III. My attempt to be NotreDameus and IV. Thank Yous and dedications...)

You Get Paid for This??

I had the good fortune of running into my friend and former-classmate, Ben Shelton, on Friday night...and of course got to hear the tale of he and Erik Ankrim's latest flashes with greatness.

(Oh--and the last time I mentioned them, I said that they were R-list celebrities. That really wasn't fair---to the other R-listers I mean...)

Essentially---the Miami Heat (that's a basketball team, Anne) hired them to run around New Orleans over All-Star Weekend and act like complete asses so the few fans remaining at Heat games are entertained at timeouts. (Linked are clips one and two.)

(Oh--my personal favorite part was where they harassed Ernie Johnson. Just completely obnoxious and uncalled for.)

And Another Link...

My favorite commercial of 2006.

McFly's Guide to Wedding Planning

So it would seem...according my other writing...that "guys that really like weddings" would probably be right near the top of my list of "Guys to throw through a pane-glass-window" list.

But by way of being the 20th-closest friend of apparently every person I've ever come into contact with, I've spent more time at weddings over the past five years than Lindsay Lohan has over mirrors. I'm certain that I've forgotten one or two (no offense) but I estimate that number at about 32 since I graduated college. I've got a light load this year---only four that I know of...which is two less than I've had in five years.

With this frequent attendance at my buddy's funerals...er--weddings, I've written quite a bit about the subject as well. (Did you see what I did there by the way---I implied that my friends were dead after marriage---you know--because marriage is awful? Haha--PRICELESS!) So today I've compiled several of those writings in an attempt to offend the marrying parties of all four weddings I'm attending this summer. (Dates are noted for reprints...but here goes nothing...)

The Invite List

The most common complaint that I hear from couples that are about to be married is deciding who to put on that all-important list for their wedding.

-Family: Unfortunately for many, people's families generally expect to be invited. But here's the breakdown:
----Immediate family: Unless they're in prison (you'd be surprised!) you've got to invite them. Sorry.
----Non-immediate: There's really no rule here. Aunts are generally the only people that get offended, but if you have family that you just don't care for, and they don't care for you, is there really a reason to invite them? Unless of course you have an uncle who starts sweating profusely the moment he gets on the dance floor, but refuses to take his jacket off (see below)---you are required to invite him. If only for my entertainment.

-Friends: This is really the hard one. Let's say you're inviting 150 people. Between family, parents friends and neighbors, plus the "plus ones" of your wedding party---you're probably sitting in the 130-range. Which means ten friends per. And you know that the bride gets 18 of those...so:
----Guys: Your two friends who aren't going to offend anyone's parents.
----Girls: You have 18 invites, and beyond your wedding party, you have 10 friends you have to invite. 8 of them are married...which means that you have two pathetic, loathsome friends that you want to invite...and you do so saying, "Steve has a couple single friends that are coming" implying that those guys might be interested in them. They won't be. Nobody would be. Even though single girls at a wedding are like shooting baby seals in a barrel, no guy wants to be around a girl who can't even find a date for an event with an open-bar.

A Few Quick Suggestions

Some items have simple answers:

Booze: Beer and wine...liquor is going to cause problems. If you want problems, so be it...but the guy that complains that there is no liquor was probably on your "I guess I have to invite ___" list.

Dates: IF YOUR INVITATION (OH--YOU NEED AN INVITATION OR YOU'RE NOT INVITED) DOESN'T READ "Plus One" "and Guest" (or in Curtis' case "And torso") YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BRING A DATE.

Flowers: Okay---my gay-tendencies have limits. I'm not writing on flowers.

Dress: Rent it.

Vows: GIRL GOES FIRST! If I have to sit through one more wedding where the guy reads a personal letter before the girl and she is a weeping, sobbing, snot-ridden mess and takes 45 minutes to say "you complete me" I'm walking out. THAT IS A PROMISE!

Tuxes: Wear them. Anyone who gets married in an open white shirt better hang on to it, because they will be able to wear it for their second wedding as well. (Oh---I'm going to my first black-tie wedding this year. Can't say that I'm excited to buy a tux...but on the other hand, I'm very excited to OWN a tux.)

Music: Bands are charming---so long as you spend the money for a good one. Nothing worse than one of those terrible bands where every song from "Unchained Melody" to "Rock Your Body" comes out sounding like an AC/DC cover. (More on this to follow.)

Food: Buffets are fine...but if you're using a pre-set menu, please realize that just because you have a chance to be a food-snob and serve everyone fennel salad and faux gras, doesn't mean that you should.


Some Rules to Live By...

Life as an Attendant

Being invited to be in a wedding is a special thing. It's a VERY expensive thing, but it is a special thing. You get a chance to be an integral part of what---at the time---is the most significant day of a friend's life.

Don't screw it up.

Top Ten Things About Being in a Wedding Party (September 18, 2006)

10. Bootineer: I'm sure that is spelled incorrectly...but regardless, they're a great conversation piece. Girls keep coming up and touching your chest...now if you could reverse that situation, it would obviously be preferable--but I'll take it.

9. Fancy transportation: Limo or something...this one (I'm referring to my brother's wedding throughout this list) we had a trolley that drove us through the vineyards to the winery. And when I say that he drove through the vineyards, I mean he LITERALLY drove through the vineyards--knocking out a 4" PVC pipe and half a vine. Well done.

8. Scope the audience during the ceremony: You're facing everyone--a decided advantage when getting into a "I bet this is the first dude to puke" bet. But significantly harder when attempting to repeat the next-to-impossible feats of John Beckwith and Jeremy Gray.

7. First to be served: You've already eaten your dinner while most people are getting their salad. And why? Because you're more important.

6. Manicures/Pedicures: What? That isn't normal?

5. Rehearsal Dinner: Only thing that rivals a wedding on the fun-scale is a rehearsal dinner. I turned this week's into a roast--of EVERYONE--namely me in the end.

4. A "Get out of being 'That Guy' card": You can pretty much do anything short of public vomiting and get away with it. "WHO IS THAT GUY?" "That's McFly--he's the best man." "Oh...he's a real fun-loving guy, isn't he? Look how the vomit is coming out of his nose!"

3. "Bottle Service": "I'd like a bottle of sparkling wine please." "We can only give you a glass." "I'm in the wedding party." "Here you go."

2. Unsuspecting girls think you're classy: Odd...girls translate groomsmen as a safe, classy group that were selected based upon their loyalty and friendship to a groom they adore. In truth, you were selected because you and the groom have too much sh*t on each other for you to be too far away from him.

1. Other people using your camera: Wait...no. Everyone makes this mistake--"Could you snap some pictures while we're up there?" And they end up taking a bunch of shots of stupid stuff--like the parents and the first kiss and the ring-bearer..."Could we get a few shots of ME one time?!?!?!?"

HERE HERE!

Often tied to being in the wedding party is giving a toast. For some reason, they've been overshadowed over the course of time---but a bad one is remembered forever (see: #1.)

Top Ten Things not to do in a Wedding Toast (September 11, 2006)


10. Curse: Apparently George Costanza did in a toast, which almost makes it okay, but as a general rule--try to avoid the f-bomb as best you can.

9. Make Fun of the Wedding: I don't care if it is the napkin-rings, or the minister's bad toupee---DO NOT make fun of something that the bride/groom/parents worked HARD on, and are (hopefully) very proud of.

8. Mention Divorce: I don't care if you've been divorced 3 times...leave it out of the toast. "May your hopes and dreams come true, and may you avoid the imminent failure that better than 50% of marriages in the United States experience. To the Bride and Groom."

7. Insult Bride: Try to avoid mentioning that you don't see your best friend anymore...and maybe avoid the fact that you think that she is a fire-breathing whore...it may serve you well in EVER wanting to know your friend again.

6. Read the Bible: I'm not talking about quoting scripture, or citing a verse or two---that is actually a good thing after a religious ceremony. But standing there reading the Bible for a 24 minutes might not be my move.

5. Forget the Bride: This passive-insult is worse than just flat out insulting her. You're blessing a MARRIAGE, not celebrating a friend's life. Even if you say, "I'm proud of you, Joe...you've found a great match." that suffices if you barely know the bride. But there needs to be SOME mention.

4. Admit Groom's infidelity: Probably not the best time to mention that hooker in Scottsdale.

3. Announce your wedding/child: VERY tacky. The focus should be on the bride and groom in the PRESENT...you'll have your day in the future, so ZIP IT for the next 5 hours.

2. Be a Weeping, Sobbing Mess: Have you ever been to a wedding where the maid of honor can't even get her speech out because she's in complete tantrum-mode? The laughing, smiling, sniffling cry is healthy and expected...but utter-sobbing makes the audience feel like you're not happy for the bride, you're pissed that she got married first.

1. Mention ex-boyfriends/girlfriends: I went to a wedding where the groom's father (thrice divorced) was his best man. His speech GENUINELY started out, "Being here in such a great setting, with romance in the air brings back fond memories of (groom)'s first love...his girlfriend Becky..." NO, I'M NOT KIDDING. AND YES, I'VE FELT MORE UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT ONLY DURING A PHYSICAL.


FINALLY...

Music

I've mentioned the band thing...but band v. DJ isn't nearly as vital as the music you select for either to play.

These ten are non-negotiable. If any of the four marrying-parties plan to have these, let me know and I'll be happy to suggest some alternatives. (That will save me from getting in a screaming match with the DJ the way that I did at Bill's wedding.) (Yes, true story.) (I told him that he was worse at his job than any other person on Earth was at their job.)


Top Ten Songs that Should NEVER be Played at a Wedding (July 11, 2006)


It's wedding season, and, as I'm only here to serve the public, I thought I'd take an opportunity to help people out with their track-lists for their weddings, as there are certain songs that are so irritatingly unacceptable that they should be permanently removed from weddings, internationally.

10. Come to my Window: Unless it is a lesbian wedding.

9. Chicken Dance: This thing is so effing stupid. ARE YOU SERIOUS? What's next, oh Mighty Spin Doctor? The Electric Slide?

8. YMCA: I was wrong, the Electric Slide was bypassed for this homo-erotic piece of s***. The only positive of this song is watching the (aforementioned) sweaty uncle who refuses to take off his jacket or loosen his tie attempting to do the dance, but not quite figuring it out. Looks more like "T, infinity, end-parenthesis, O"...but he's having fun...screw it.

7. Any Dave Matthews Band Song: Hey--it's good music, no doubt. But it is A) UTTERLY undanceable. (The DMB Shoulder-rock is fine in concert, NOT on a dance-floor.) B) The songs are WAY too long. It's a neck and neck race between Ants Marching and the opera scene from Godfather III.

6. Summer Love: I realize that every girl's fantasy is singing this as a duet with their new husband, but I've got news for you. Yes, he knows most of the words (by circumstance) but if he sings it with you, he's going to leave you. FOR A DUDE.

5. Daytime Friends, Nighttime Lovers: A CLASSIC Kenny Rogers song...but generally, avoiding songs celebrating functional and accepted adultery are a "no-no" for weddings.

4. This One's For the Girls: You had a bachelorette party so your fat friends could feel like they're accepted...but there is nothing more unappealing that a group of women singing and dancing poorly. Oh wait...yes there is...a group of women singing and dancing poorly to this song.

3. Mony Mony: Unless you want to hear Grandma scream between choruses, "Hey everybody, get laid, get f***ed!"

2. La Bamba: Pardon me...this must have found its way over from the "Songs that should be played on repeat at weddings" blog.

1. Butterfly Kisses: Yes girls, it is a song about a father giving his daughter away...but it is so effing sappy, and SO OVERDONE! Just because that's what the song is about doesn't mean that you should dance to it...I don't go around killing eastcoast rappers every time I listen to Tupac "Hit 'em Up"!



But beyond those simple requests, congratulations and best wishes...you know-nothing bastards.


Last Will and Testament

Just a few points that I need to make as I leave my soapbox:

1. The University of Washington football program will never return to its status as a perrenial top-25 program until they rid themselves of the coaching-cancer that is Tyrone Willingham. He is a classy, intelligent man who served a purpose in cleaning up an out-of-control program. But his time has passed---and probably never should have began. Race was an issue when he was hired and has remained one after keeping his job at a time when any other coach in the country would have been fired. The superior is a tough position to take, as I don't know what the solution for UW is---I just know that it isn't Ty.

2. John Mayer is not a good musician, Dane Cook is not a good comedian, and Dazed and Confused is not a good movie. Let's move on...

3. Regardless as to who wins the Presidential Election, the country is doomed for another eight years of garbage, unless that person can find a way to 54 or so % of the popular vote. And that's not going to happen.

4. ESPN's next viewer-voted, tournament style competition will be the "Greatest Baseball Players of All-Time" which will be won by the 2006 Boise State Football Team.

5. There is nothing more pathetic than the new "friends" a woman makes after a divorce or break-up from a long-term relationship. Just a hint: it is better to be lonely than to hang out with chicks that say things like, "You go girl!"

6. I have a Q3-08 "BUY" Rating on Tattoo-Removal Clinics. This ridiculous fad is about the hump the shark and when it does, I'll be ready.

7. When deciding to eat healthy for a week, having Chinese for lunch is not a good start.

Oh No...I did it my (objectionable) way...

(Before I even get to my thank-you's...I have to write something. I love Bob Knight---but was I the only person annoyed after he retired when he kept saying, "My Way" was his favorite song and then citing that line that (in his mind) went: "Regrets---oh yeah, I've had some". Really Bob? It is your favorite song and you can't remember the four-word line, "I've had a few."??? SERIOUSLY?)

There are some people that I need to thank for their continued support during the course of my two-year blogging career.

First, my original subscribers (on myspace):

Anne, Marisa, Curtis (more on him to come), Kendra, My unnamed former-roommate, Sydney (one of my most-loyal despite not knowing her), Chamby (my blogging Yoda), Tiffany, Blings, McCaw, O-Town, Stefan, Neek, Mo, Bill III, Lindsay B, Brooke, Dave (my most-critical reader), Jayme, Lizzie, Dupounties, Ketchum, Alexis and Gay, South African Jacob.

Second: Everyone (and everything) else:
Michael Vick, idiots at bachelor parties, Tyrone Willingham's futility, Sato, Alaska Airlines, The University of Puget Sound, Dave Concepcion, Arvid from "Head of the Class", Pigs in Space, Santa Claus, Sir Mix-a-lot, Benedict Arnold, People at church who do the Celestial Benchpress during worship, Drederick Tatum, Dr. Richard Kimble, Erin Andrews, the entire cast of LOST, Pornography, Jodie Sweetin, Curtis' many faults, Fraternity Life, Endoplasmic Reticulum (or reticuli?), Brittany Buckner/Ben Shelton/Eric Ankrim/Ryan Homchick/Eli Swanson and any other UPS grad trying to "make it" in Hollywood, lesbians, crappy cover bands, Cocaine, Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice' closet-homosexuality, Frogger, The Golden Corral, Pucky, Satan, Jon Brockman, Canadians, Christmas, People who make crappy Evites, Mercury Morris, CORBALEY!, The City of Kent, Rick Neuheisal, People who drink Jager by choice, Redtube, Gangsta Rap, Joe Carter, Joe Carter, McCaw's first Christmas Party trip, Kanye, Shaquille O'Neal's manhood, Frosty The Snowman, Hien Dung, Country music, Keri Russell, Bob Loblaw's Law Blog, The Honkey Tonk Man, Guys with Jesus tattoos, All of the people at my gym--particularly "Crazy Neck-lift Guy" and "I Make my Wife do Power-Cleans Guy", The Caveman Show, People who confuse Obama with Odwalla, Tom Cruise's secret stash of Benadryl, The utter misery that is Sex and the City, Un-funny people who still talk about mullets, The courageous few who will actually cut their hair into one, Just For Men, Phil Mickelson, People who say that they were "cheated" by baseball players using the juice, juice, People who press the button to cross the street eleventy bajillion times, The adhesive notepad industry, World B. Free and Mary Christ, Love Potion #9, Dr. Pepper Drinkers, People who endorse Democratic economic policy, People who say that WSU is a "really good school", male cat lovers, and Arsenio Hall.




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Oh--and F the Lutes.

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