12.28.07

New Year's Eve Translator

I hope that everyone had a great Christmas. Mine was fine, but I picked up that cold that is going around.

And yes, THAT cold. There is only one strand.

So now, under a doctor's care, I prepare for New Year's Eve, like the rest of you. I've decided to alternate years between my Seattle crew and my San Francisco crew, in an effort to rid my liver of its foundation and its roof. (Of course next year I'm hoping to be hanging out with NEITHER group...) So this year is San Francisco, a place that a person with as little self-control as I have should never go--much less when he is feeling poorly.

But nonetheless, I feel the need to prepare for the night.

(Before I start though---product placement has become a little out-of-control. How much do you think Phil Knight dropped to have the Nike logo on Pakistani Opposition Leader Bhutto's casket?)

I don't have the ability to send pocket-manuals to all of you, so feel free to print this out and create your own New Year's Eve Pocket Translator.

Here goes:

You say:
"Happy New Year's!"

You mean:
"Happy New Year."

Interesting point here. In first grade, we learn that if you an "apostrophe+s" to a word, it gives it a possessive quality. So I'd ask--when you say, "Happy New Year's", WHAT THE FLYING F ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???

I swear, by the grace of God, that if any of you use that phrase again, without putting "eve", "day", or "poop" behind it, you will be struck by lightning where you stand, and instead of being electrocuted, you'll immediately contract syphilis.

So stop it.

You say:
"CHEERS!"

You mean:
"I have nothing to say to you and am going to medicate myself. Join me!"

You know that scenario in a bar, where a group of guys is standing talking to each other, but never really look each other in the eye, because their heads are on a constant swivel, trying to find someone better to talk to? It's like that, only 1,000 times amplified. I don't care who you meet in the four hours before midnight on Monday night--just promise me you won't judge them by what they do and do not say. It's a stressful time--cut them some slack.

You say:
"New Year's Eve is my favorite holiday."

You mean:
"I'm an absolute shmuck."

I'm just going to leave the fact that anything ending in "eve" is probably the predecessor to a holiday and not a holiday in and of itself.

But honestly--if you spend the whole year hoping and waiting for this one night, you are a disturbed and frightening individual, and I pray that your ankle bracelet keeps you away from the party I'm planning to attend.

You say:
"I love champagne."

You mean:
"I love cheap, carbonated wine."

This is an affront to humanity. Andre and Cooks are NOT champagne. The only greater affront are the half-wits who spend $45 on an actual bottle of champagne and then make mimosa out of it.

(Of course neither are the affront to humanity that Sonic's new Cheesecake Bites are. Dear Lord...)

You say:
"Thank God I'm single."

You mean:
"I would give $3,000,000 and a kidney for a girlfriend right now."

I've been given the authority to make these kind of decisions for the rest of the world, so don't fret: There is no night where it is worse to be single than New Year's Eve--Valentine's Day is a cake-walk in relative terms.

You say:
"Hi, I'm Joe."

You mean:
"I'm a little short on time--is there ANYTHING that I can say that will convince you to kiss me at midnight?"

Remember those parties in college where you showed up wearing red, yellow or green, based on your willingness to hook up that night? You're going to want people dressed-up for New Year's Eve---so I suggest just handing out signs with all three colors, so people like me don't waste their time talking to the girlfriend of someone at the party I don't know. That's like the hooking-up equivalent of those teachers who used to cancel tests, so you'd learn the material.

You say:
"THREE, TWO, ONE"

You mean:
"I'm either kissing this chick or nobody...hey--at least my sister's got good genes."

I think this one speaks for itself. "Happy New Year's."


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