10.9.07

Ode to My One True Love…

In response to complaint about a column that is too centered around sports, I thought I’d write about another passion.

A couple of months ago, I gave you my top 100 movies of all-time. Some problems with that list:
-The first day went well…not 100% certain a single person came back for days 2-5.
-I’d written so much about the top 20, the list was to anticlimactic what Washington State Apples are to date-rape.
-I forgot so many movies that it turned out to be the top 121.

SO…

Today I give you the top 40 television shows. Why 40? Because The Man said that 41 would be to many.

Also, I wanted to do the whole list in one day, and I realized that in memory, there were only about 65 shows that I watched consistently enough to rank…and included in that were Just the Ten of Us (originally entitled, "Yo, Coach!), Classic Concentration and Night Calls Live…and they just weren’t going to make the list.

(WOAH—sidebar! I’m writing on the plane and CBS Live on American is reporting that Salt’n’Pepa are in counseling, trying to put together a comeback. I can’t wait to see two 40-year-old black women singing, “None of Yo’ Bidness!”)

But I digest…

I tired to be methodical and fair in this.
-OBVIOUSLY, any list like this tends to favor what is hot right now, so while I didn’t necessarily dock points for that—I kept it in mind when making the list.
-Sports obviously eats up more of my television time than all other shows combined—but it was tough to include “Pac-10 College Basketball” on the list. So I only included recurring shows that I genuinely schedule my day/week around, and I docked them points because they’re not really “shows” so much as news-sources.
-SERIOUS points were docked for any show that I really only watched in syndication.
-Even MORE points docked if I only saw the show on DVD…it just doesn’t count.

Some statistics:

-A tie at the top of the Network list between ABC and NBC at ten shows apiece. (Shows were categorized by the network that I primarily watched the show on.) (Example: Law and Order SVU was on USA, not NBC.)
-Shockingly, CBS was tied with Nickelodeon and Comedy Central with only one show.
-Pure comedies and sitcoms dominated the list to no surprise, totaling 20 of the 40 shows, while sports only totaled 2.
-Total number of douche bags who still say idiotic things like, “I don’t watch TV” to sound quasi-intelligent? Way too many to count...this is why Seattle and San Francisco keep electing ridiculously under-qualified Democratic mayors...

So…

Here are the top 40. Keep in mind that I really only do these things to get people to write in and tell me what I’ve done wrong—so feel free to do so on the blog or at mcflyblogs@gmail.com.

And off we go…

McFly’s Top 40 Television Shows

40. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Okay, the Cosby Show and A Different World were both considered…but there is a general air for all three that I didn’t realize as a kid. I knew that all the characters were black—but I didn’t realize how black the show was. I mean—I’m not sure that Shaka Khan was actually on the show—but she could have been.

39. Growing Pains: I’ve probably referenced Boner Stabbone 80 times in my short blogging career—a little tough to leave his show off of the list.

38. Seaquest, DSV: Yeah—it was basically Star Trek under water—but the first season was one of the best opening seasons of a show in history. I mean—you had the guy from Jaws, a talking dolphin, a guy who smuggled on a hamburger (illegal in the future) on the boat, and some special effects that would look even more ridiculous in HD.
Yes, Season II’s opening episode included an army of mermen…which pretty much ended my brother and my Seaquest viewing career and marked the beginning of the end of the series…

37. Unsolved Mysteries: Ranked #1 on the “Hey—remember how bitchin his show was?” list…Unsolved Mysteries, while not necessarily a weekly view, was a guaranteed hour of suspense and fear that Robert Stack’s face was going to fall off.

36. Dirty Sexy Money: Yes, it is only two episodes deep, but it has an excess of 8 interesting characters—which I’m beginning to realize is the most important aspect of a television show for me. Not to mention the fact that after roughly 80 minutes of actual viewing, I’m considering rearranging my whole week around this program that will probably be cancelled before the end of the month.

35. The Man Show: You know—in hindsight I’m not a gigantic fan of Kimmel or Corolla, but in its day, the show was phenomenal. (And it was pretty much fated that the show was on while I was in college, because I couldn’t tell you a single show that starts at 10 on a Sunday because I’m not certain I’ve been awake at that hour since 2003.)

34. Entourage: I’m sure some of you were wondering whether it would make the list—and yes, definitely. I hate what it stands for, and wish it weren’t so addicting, but at some point, when you’ve watched a show for five seasons without missing an episode, you have to admit that you like it. Now if we could only do something to convince Mark Wahlberg to have E assassinated…

33. Double-Dare: It was one of two shows on this list that I can say with a fair amount of honestly that at no point was it one of my ten favorite shows…however…if all of the satellites blew up and this was the only thing that was ever on TV, tell me you wouldn’t still watch!! I mean—MARK SOMERS?? That guy pumps more coke than the concession stands at Dodger Stadium! And I’m going to put this out there: I’m guessing that there isn’t a single hooker in the greater Orlando area that Somers hasn’t picked up. I mean—the guy has more STDs than the mailing list at Planned Parenthood.
God bless Mark Somers…

32. Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper: Do you remember when the Warriors allowed Mark Curray to come suit up with them (AND PLAY!) so they could do a “Ten-Day Contract” plot on the show? I’m a firm believer that allowing this is the main reason that Don Nelson got fired and the continued reason why that franchise has distanced itself from him.

31. Charles in Charge: Would have been much higher, but it was so syndication-heavy that I don’t have the first clue as to which network it was originally on (though I’m guessing ABC based on Chachi’s dominance in Battle of the Network Stars.)
Pam Anderson at 18 though…hmmm…

30. Law and Order: A constantly-shuffling cast that has ranged from the dad from Dirty Dancing to the next president of the United States continues to put out phenomenal plots shows despite an inherent lack of ongoing plots. (Another note: I think the subtlety of the cross-over District Attorneys on the different Law and Order series is brilliant…always have.) (Also—this is one of two shows on the list that has to pay residuals to Homchick.) (And no, that doesn’t earn you points—in fact it almost gives reasons to wipe them off of the list—otherwise “ED” would have made the list.)

29. Late Night with Conan O’Brien: While 90% of the episodes I’ve seen have been replays on CNBC, I will fight to the death in saying that Conan is the funniest guy on TV—and it really isn’t that close.

28. Saved by the Bell
27. Home Improvement
26. WWF (All shows)
25. Cheers

This is the section of “Shows that I’ve devoted too much time to not to include but would rather eat live aphids than sit through an episode of.” I can’t think of shows that dated themselves faster…but they were all pretty good in their time.

24. American Idol: I’m not a reality-TV guy—and not really a loyalist to this show…but because of the three-times-a-week airings, it probably gets more viewing time from me than any other network program. Oh—that and I would LOVE to take Paula Abdul out sometime for a gin and valium.

23. The Dana Carvey Show: I’ve referenced this show so many times that it is probably losing its effectiveness…but at the time it was out—hold on your junk—it was better than Saturday Night Live.
There. I said it.

22. American Gladiators: Bum bada DUM DUM DUM, DADA DADUM!

(Oh—that and Larry friggin’ Csonka!)

21. Coach: This is in the same category as Double-Dare. I was never obsessed with it by any means (though I once told my brother I’d, “like…die” if I missed it—which he reminds me of even 15-18 years later.) Grossly underrated show with some moderately believable success-rates for a sports show. The idea that Hayden Frye only had one good season as a coach is pretty remarkable—and the fact that he had broken relationships with his wife and daughter is probably a little TOO realistic…

20. Temptation Island: YEAH BUDDY. No questions asked, no arguments taken, no doubts, concerns or passing thoughts in my mind—this is the best reality show of all-time. Think about it: you get to watch four frighteningly good-looking couples who are willing to allow their relationships to be torn apart by 40 even BETTER looking single “tempters”. Booze, lust, spy videos…it really had it all. (Including the smut-world’s introduction to the OTHER Mark Wahlberg.)

19. How I Met Your Mother: My often-referenced, but still-nameless former roommate got me on this show. It is still on, and pretty much recaps the whole series every episode, so it is easy to jump into. But keep something in mind—the show works in five-episode cycles. It goes as follows:
1. Great, hilarious episode.
2. Nearly perfect 30-minutes of television.
3. Boring episode that moves the plot along.
4. Mind-numbing episode that could only be enjoyed by lonely women and gay men.
5. Episode that is so bad that you vow that you’ll never watch the show again.
(Rinse and repeat.)

Oh—and every two years or so Winnie Cooper shows up as a guest star. That doesn’t hurt your chances to make the list…

18. House: This show probably deserves to be higher on the list because it really is quietly one of the top five shows on TV right now. Humor, action, accurate medical information, hot older women…it hits the full spectrum…
But for some reason I’m still not scheduling my Tuesdays around it—much less my whole week.

17. Arrested Development: This show (featuring a character named George Michael Bluth) is probably the best non-cartoon comedy since Seinfeld. But it is off the air and I only saw it on DVD. Hey—17th isn’t too bad…

16. Law and Order SVU: Okay—if you’re easily offended, don’t read why this show still disturbs me. In fact—if you’re offended at all, don’t read it.

Wait…if you’ve ever met someone who has been offended, you should probably stop reading at this point.

But here are my three points as to why this show is so disturbing:
a. It is based on reality.
b. Someone thought to write it down.
c. Someone watches it to pleasure themselves.

(Okay…take a second to breathe. I’ll clean it up a bit.)

15. The OC: Kind of the Seaquest syndrome…just twice as good. The first two seasons were stellar. I’ll fight anyone on this—the show was great. Hot chicks, smut, booze, murder, and lots and lots of money. Third and fourth season were terrible…but I’m happy to allow any of you to borrow my dvds of season I and II.

14. Friends: Several of my friends are disowning me at this point (and with good reason). The premise of the show is loathsome. It has cheesy subplots, female-intensive jokes, and the greatest collection of douche bags this side of the Gonzaga Basketball team. But I’ll put another one out there:

Friends has:
-More pop-culture references than Seinfeld and
-More watchability than Seinfeld because of Seinfeld’s over-exposure.

13. College Gameday: Here is evidence as to how much I enjoy this show:

I used to set my alarm for 7:00 to see it…IN COLLEGE.

12. Curb Your Enthusiasm: To echo the “what have you done for me lately?” mentality that I opened with—Larry David’s answer to his post-Seinfeld crisis probably would have been in the top 5-7 if I would have done this list two months ago… but a TERRIBLE opening to this season (I haven’t seen Sunday’s episode yet) has meant doom for a show that seems to have peaked in its 3rd season with Krazy Eyez, HUGH, the hair in the throat and the restaurant opening…

(Note: It is presently the scene in Rocky II when Rocky is reading to a comatosed Adrian and he sounds like the kid in the back of your 1st grade class who wears hooded sweatshirts like capes—oh—except dumber.)
(To its credit it leads to a top three all-time Rocky moment with the “WIN!” speech.)

11. MacGuyver: Granted—my brother was twice the fan I was, but can you imagine how badass this show would be with today’s technology? Something tells me that the Phoenix Foundation would have already found Bin Laden.

10. Jeopardy: Seriously. When was the last time you watched it? I admit that it took a MAJOR dive when “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” came out because the dollar amounts seemed paltry…so they bumped them all up and made the questions way too hard. So yeah—it isn’t quite as good as it once was—but it is still the only game show on television where the smartest person in the room seems to fare the best.

(Oh—except for So You Think You Can Dance.)

9. Saturday Night Live: Between Saturday telecasts, replays, and a shelf full of VHS cassettes, this may very well be the show (save #7) that I have spent more hours watching than any other. So why such a low ranking? Simple. The late 90s and the past five years.

8. Beverly Hills 90210: DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES! DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!

7. Sportscenter: An average of roughly 30 minutes of Sportscenter viewing a day since I was ten equates to 4.5 months of total viewership of the most influential television program of the past twenty years.

(I saw on Sportscenter this morning that concussions have claimed the career of Trent Green. He joins a long and illustrious list of people this has happened to: Steve Young, Bill Weed III…there have been so many…)

(I realize I’m going a little nuts with the parenthetic sidebars, but after 1.5 views of Sportscenter today, I flipped to ESPN2 for Mike and Mike. Answer me this: How can two guys as disinteresting as these two have a television show when someone as good as Colin Cowherd only has limited radio coverage. Maybe it’s his eyebrows.)

6. The Family Guy: It took four runs through this list to knock it down this far. If I do this every year, you could see it climb as high as number one—without question the funniest television show of all-time.

5. The Simpsons: Based on hourly commitment and because it is the longest-running comedy of all-time, it sits in front of The Family Guy—but if it were based on episodes released in the last three years, The Family Guy would be in the top 2-3 and The Simpsons would probably be sitting in the 30s.

4. Seinfeld: Per previous mention, the overexposure of the show has really hurt it over the past several years, as syndicated episodes are about two years away from reaching the Cheers-Zone. But without a doubt the most-influential comedy of the past 20 years, as it bridged us from the bearly-laughable Cheers/Cosby/Murphy Brown era into the crass, deep comedies of the Curb Your Enthusiasm/Office/Family Guy era.

3. The Wonder Years: I know a lot of you were expecting to see this show at the top, but it doesn’t exactly set-off the “Depth-Meters”. (Not to mention the fact that the show kept Daniel Stern gainfully-employed for six years…that’s barely forgivable.)

All of that aside though—no show has ever more-accurately defined an era by presenting a realistic family with realistic characters and positions. No sports stars, no glamorous jobs or lifestyles—just middle-America in the late 60s and early 70s. Just perfect.

(At least 20% of you bought that as though I was alive and old enough to remember what that era was like. Anyway…)

2. The Sopranos: Best-developed characters of any show in history. Let’s just count the interesting ones for fun (and then I’ll mention the few uninteresting ones): Tony, Carmella, ChristoPHA, Melfi, Paulie, AJ, Sil, Junior, Janice, Adriana, VITO!, Artie, Furio, Phil, Gabriella, Agent Harris, Johnnie Sack, Little Bobby, Little Vito!!!, Tony B, Jackie Jr., Ginny Sack, Ahmed/Muhammed, and Father Phil= 25 phenomenal characters.

Bad ones? Meadow and Puss—and one of those happens to be about a 14 on a scale of 1-10.

Just a phenomenal show—and don’t give me the “Stupid ending” thing. My guess is that you didn’t watch the show nearly enough to realize that it was a perfect ending in the sense that it had ZERO resolution…

Just like every other episode.

1. LOST: The best show in the history of television. They could air it 18 hours a day and I would find a way to see every one of them.

How good is the show?

I get up at 4 every morning. LOST starts at 10. I have NEVER looked at the clock, hoping it will be over, which I can’t honestly say about a single one of the other 39 shows.

And now that they’re going to start flashing-forward? Life for me right now is just killing time between now and the February premiere.



Thoughts on the list?

BRING IT.