11.29.07

From the Arnolds...

I was actually shocked--I got ten mailbag questions, which is about ten more comments on my blog that I normally get...

So I had to turn a couple away...my apologies...


Dear McFly,

I realize you're not my biggest fan, but what about me do you dislike the most?

Tyrone Willingham
(Temporarily) Seattle, WA

This may come as a surprise actually---it isn't even something he does on the field or in preparation for a game...

Have you ever heard an interview with him? He always finishes them by saying, (yada yada yada) "and GO DAWGS."

Which--on the surface--is fine.

HOWEVER...Captain Boring manages to screw up the phrase to such a bothersome level that I can barely stand it. He sounds like George Muresan after he was drafted by the Bullets saying, "I LOVE THIS GAME" as though "Go Dawgs" are the only two English words that Willingham knows and he's having trouble getting them out.

Can you even imagine the pregame pep-talks with Willingham? They'd make the crap that Lou Holtz is doing on ESPN look like Patton.

Dear McFly,

I don't want to get specific, but my roommate and I occasionally get into arguments about history and he always leans on the "I was a History Major" defense---but I'm pretty sure he's wrong almost 100% of the time. Does his defense have any weight??

Jack Tripper
Seattle, WA

No.

Absolutely no.

Two key examples:
1. I used to get into arguments with someone who was an English major and he can barely read. Yet whenever something would come down to language, he'd lean on his BS major. (Pun intended.)

2. I was a finance major and I know nothing about finance---but at least I admit it. I focused on finance because I DIDN'T understand it...but I find the people that lean on their degree for legitimacy are the people that don't understand ANYTHING.

And in a corresponding conversation---what about these people who are always saying that someone is "really smart" despite them being a dope-smoking burden on society. "Oh--but he's REALLY smart"...you used to hear this all the time in college---the one common denominator? Everyone who was identified as such was a pot-buddy of the person describing them as such.

LOOK--just because you know the details of the Chronicles of Narnia and can debate it at length while stoned does not mean that I want to hire you.

Dear McFly,

Hey, here's a good quote from Bo Jackson:

"If you're my enemy and you're by the side of the road with a flat tire, and it's 20 below zero, I'm going to stop and throw a gallon of water on you and keep going."

Is this the most ridiculous display of competitiveness you've ever heard of?

Erik
San Francisco, CA

No actually. I mean--it's a very ridiculous statement from someone who looks about as athletic right now as Steven Hawking.

(That's really not fair--Bo has gotten fat...but he is unquestionably the most-versatile athlete of my lifetime. A HAIR more athletic than Lance Armstrong...just a hair.)

(Sidebar--I'm watching the Shrek Christmas Special--who has more odd looking skin? Cameron Diaz as an ogre or Cameron Diaz?)
(Continued sidebar--the gingerbread man just picked up an actual gingerbread cookie made to look like an angel, put his arm around it, gave it a learing eye, and said, "How many stars did you hit on your way down from heaven?"----I don't care who you are--that's funny.)

But I digest...

Here are a few other ridiculous comments I've heard from athletes before in regard to their adversaries:

"If he was on fire, I wouldn't cross the street to pee him out." "It isn't that I hate him--it is just that my urinary tract is permanently damaged since I attempted to snort cocaine through it."
-Lawrence Taylor

"If someone is between me and the end zone--I don't care if it is my mother--I'm running through that person." "This is particularly true for my mother, because she abused me as a child."
-Christian Okoye

"A man confronts you, he's the enemy, and the enemy deserves no mercy." "Unless of course I'm playing against someone who is tall or short...or thin or fat...or male or female...or right-handed or left-handed..."
-Phil Mickelson

or my personal favorite:

"When I'm confronted with an opponent, I prepare, I train, and then I do everything I possibly can...to make sure I make 10-15 unforgivable mistakes during the course of the game to ensure that my team loses."
-Tyrone Willingham


Dear McFly,

When did the Christmas Music playlist work its way into primary rotation on your IPOD?

Tom
Washington DC


I don't know if it is an inherent lack of Christmas Spirit or living in a place where it is far too warm to appreciate "The Little Drummer Boy", but I really haven't been on my game with this kind of thing this year. I mean--YES--I turned the "CHRISTMAS MUSIC" playlist back on on the IPOD in mid-November, but because of my new-found commitment to being more social in the gym, I've resided to listening to the 24 Hour Fitness techno-version of Bo Bice's The Real Thing instead of the Transiberian Orchestra.

Dear McFly,

With the holiday season upon us I was wondering if you could offer some etiquette advice for holiday parties. gift giving, alcohol consumption, invitations, what-have-you...

Anne
San Jose, CA

A perfect segue into my weekend in San Francisco (which actually begins tonight, so no blog tomorrow...).

(Sidebar--the segment of Best in Show where Fred Willard announces just came on. He's arguably the funniest character actor in film today. "Oh--I went to one of those obedience schools once. It was all going fine until one of the instructors poured hot wax on my private parts...")

But I digest...

We'll go from top-to-bottom:

Invitations:
The Evite is pretty standard at this point...unless you're looking for a genuinely formal, sit-down kind of evening. RSVP is even MORE vital at Christmas time because the hosts put so much effort into fancy appetizers, specialty drinks and desserts. Not RSVPing to a Christmas Party should earn you an automatic spot on Santa's "NAUGHTY" list...and my "TO THROW FROM A MOVING CAR" list.

Dress:
On the Westcoast, everything is seemingly more casual, so in many cases, people (particularly men) can get away with a nice pair of jeans, so long as it is complimented with a nice sweater or dress-shirt or something. Girls can wear dresses if they like, but just a note---if you wear a formal dress to a Christmas party, you look like a complete whore. I've seen it done...
Oh--and for the record--I realize that "Funny Christmas Sweaters" are like the mullet of December---just corny and cliched.
Look--like getting invited to a Trucker Hat Party, if you get invited to a Christmas Sweater, you go--because everyone is going to be VERY drunk...but if you're just invited to a cocktail-style Christmas Party at a friends house, if you show up with a corny Christmas Sweater, you're going to be about as popular as a liberal at an NRA meeting...

Gifts:
Simple. Unless gifts are stipulated in the invitation, a bottle of wine for the host/hostess will be more than adequate. How much do you spend? Depends on the wine-drinker. A novice, $10-15 is fine...but bringing a bottle of Turning Leaf to the house of someone with taste is about as useful as cell-phone on LOST island. So if you're invited to a wine snob's house...you're looking at at least $35.
(Oh--and if you have gifts for other attendees, think second grade: unless you have something for everyone, don't bring something for ANYONE.)

Behavior/Alcohol Consumption:
(The two sort of go hand-in-hand...)

If you're seated at a table and you get drunk, you're either a whore or an a-hole.

If you're standing in the kitchen leaning between the keg and fridge, do like I'm planning to this weekend and make sure that your digestive system is so racked with poison that you won't be able to eat for several days.


Mailbag questions are always welcome...
mcflyblogs@gmail.com